A Stone in the Sea

by A. L. Jackson

  Happiness.

  I bit back the bitter feeling, searching for an excuse to get away, because I was finished feeling sorry for myself, when Aly’s face transformed into the most radiant smile, her attention locked somewhere behind me. There was nothing I could do but follow her gaze. I looked over my shoulder.

  All the surprise at finding Aly Moore amplified, spinning my head with shock when I saw who she was staring at.

  Jared Holt strode toward us.

  My knees went weak.

  The grown man was completely covered in tattoos, every edge of him hard and rough. But none of the surprise I felt was caused by the way he looked, because I’d been there to watch his downward spiral. Part of me was surprised to see he was still alive.

  He held an adorable, tiny baby girl protectively against his chest, the child facing out as they approached. She kicked her little legs when she caught sight of her mom.A soft smile pulled at his mouth and warmthflared in his eyes when they landed on Aly.

  My heart did crazy, erratic things, and the small sound that worked up my throat was tortured. Someone was trying to pull a sick joke on me, dangling all the bits of my past right in front of my face.

  It just had to be Jared.

  No, he hadn’t been responsible for any of the choices Christopher or I had made. Still, he’d been the catalyst that had driven the confusion.

  The overwhelming feeling rushing over me was altogether cruel and welcomed at the same time, because God, how many times had I lain awake at night, unable to sleep because I was thinking of Christopher Moore, wondering where he was and who he’d become? And suddenly here was his world, our world, his sister and his best friend, the people who had been with us and were part of what defined that time—standing in front of me at Target with their little baby girl.

  Aly must have sensed my panic. Again she reached out to squeeze my hand. “You remember Jared Holt, don’t you?” She obviously knew I did. There was no missing the look that passed between the two of them, a secret conversation transpiring in a glance.

  “Of course,” I whispered hoarsely.

  “Samantha,” Jared said as a statement. He handed Aly the little tube of diaper rash ointment he must have gone in search of while she waited at the front of the store. He turned his attention right back to me. “God…it’s been years. How are you?”

  “Good,” I forced out, wondering where in the hell that word even came from because right then, I was definitely not feeling good. I was feeling… I blinked and swallowed. I couldn’t begin to put my finger on it except to say I was fundamentally disturbed, as if the axis balancing my safe little world had been altered. “How are you?”

  The concern that involuntarily laced my tone was probably not needed, because he smiled at Aly as he situated his daughter a little higher up on his chest and kissed her on the top of her head.

  “I’m perfect,” he said through a rumbled chuckle.

  Aly took a step forward and lightly tickled the tiny girl’s foot.

  The little black-haired, blue-eyed baby kicked more. Her mouth twisted up at just one side, as she was obviously just learning how to control her smile, and she rolled her head back in delight. She suddenly cooed, and her eyes went wide and she jerked as if she’d startled herself with the sound that escaped her.

  Aly’s voice turned sweet, the kind a mother reserved only for her child. “And this is our Ella…Ella Rose.”

  Ella Rose.

  They’d named their daughter after Jared’s mother.

  Affection pulsed heavily through my veins as I looked on the three of them, so happy to see their joy. As strong as that emotion was, it wasn’t enough to keep my own sadness at bay, and my mind reeled with the questions I wanted to ask about Christopher.

  But those questions were dangerous. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to know. I couldn’t know.

  Instead, I reached out to let their baby girl grip my finger. I shook it a little, and that sweet smile took over her face again, this time directed at me as she tried to shove my finger in her mouth.

  I just about melted. I was pretty sure this little girl had the power to single-handedly jumpstart my biological clock. “Well, hello there, Ella Rose. Aren’t you the sweetest thing.” I glanced up at Aly. “How old is she?”

  “She just turned two-months yesterday,” she answered. “It feels like she’s growing so fast, but I already can’t remember what it was like not to have her as a part of our lives. It’s such a strange feeling.”

  My head shook with stunned disbelief. “All of this is crazy.” I eyed them happily as some of the shock wore away, as if being in their space was completely natural. “The two of you ending up together.”

  Aly blushed, and Jared watched her as if she was the anchor that kept him tied to this world. Then he slanted his own mischievous grin my way. “Don’t be too surprised, Sam. This girl was always meant for me.”

  Good God. How Aly wasn’t a puddle in the middle of the floor, I didn’t know. His words were enough to leave me all swoony and light-headed and they weren’t even intended for me. And I wanted to laugh, because he’d always called me Sam, almost like a tease, a dig at his best friend Christopher, who refused to call me anything but Samantha.

  It instantly took me back too many years, and I was there, feeling flickers of that flame that had been missing from my life for so long. But those kind of flames had burned me right into the ground. Those kind of flames hurt and scarred.

  “So what about you?” Aly asked, stepping back. “What have you been up to? Do you live around here?”

  “Yeah, I live with my boyfriend in the neighborhood right behind the shopping center.”

  “You’re kidding me? We do too.” She laughed at the coincidence. “We’re neighbors.”

  Here we all were, standing in the same store in this huge city, miles away from where we’d all begun. I almost had the urge to look behind me, fully expecting to see Christopher sauntering toward us, an apparition sent to taunt me in a ruthless twist of fate.

  “How is your little brother? I heard he was doing really well after your family moved across town.”

  After being thrown headfirst into all these tumultuous memories of Christopher, my walls were down, and this time I wasn’t prepared for the sadness that sliced straight through me. I attempted to steady my voice. “He was in remission for five years, but the cancer just recently came back.”

  Aly sobered, and genuine sympathy edged the curve of her mouth. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” she murmured, and it didn’t hurt to hear her say it. Instead, I felt comforted.

  “Me too,” I agreed, shaking my head as a saddened smile twisted up my mouth. “He’s the sweetest kid.”Well, he wasn’t so much a kid anymore. Really, he was almost a man, but it was hard to look at him that way when he was so frail. “I just keep praying for him, and I spend as much time with him as I can to keep his spirits up. He’s been pretty sick with the treatments, so he hasn’t been getting out of the house all that much lately. I couldn’t imagine having to go through my junior year of high school on-line, but he doesn’t complain.”

  Stewart was now seventeen, the youngest in our family. My brother, Sean, was two years younger than me, in the same grade as Aly had been, and my sister Stephanie was nineteen. My parents had us in quick succession, and had had some kind of overindulgent love fest with our names since theirs’ were Sally and Stephen. It used to bother me when I was young.

  Not anymore.

  We’d been a normal, rambunctious family until Stewart had gotten sick when he was nine. When I met Christopher, Stewart had been at his worst. Well, at his worst...until now.

  Ella released a shrill little cry, and squirmed in Jared’s hold. Gently, he bounced her, shushing her in a soft whisper against her head. “I think someone is going to need their mommy soon.” Soft affection flowed from Jared’s laughter. “She goes from completely content to starving in five seconds flat.”

  “Oh, well I better let you two go,” I
offered, hating that it sounded almost reluctant. “It was really nice to see you again.”

  Aly hesitated, glancing at her husband, before she tipped her head and studied me with intent. “Would it be weird if we…I don’t know…had coffee or something? I totally understand if you’re not comfortable. I get it. But I’d love to really catch up with you if you’re up for it. I could use a friend around here.”

  Maybe that’s what I liked about her most. She just came right out and said it, gave voice to that huge elephant that was snuffing out all the air in the room. That and she was genuine and kind.

  I refused to allow myself to believe I was agreeing because she was Christopher’s sister.

  “Yeah, I think I’d like that.”

  “Good.”

  She dug around in her huge bag for her phone, while Jared just stood their swaying Ella, his mouth seemingly pressed permanently to the side of her head as he showered her with small kisses.

  Aly thumbed across the screen. “What’s your number?”

  I rattled it off while Aly entered it into her phone. Two seconds later, my phone dinged with a new message.

  “There, you have my number, too.”

  This time, Ella’s cry was a demand.

  “We’d better get her home so I can feed her. I’ll call you soon.”

  “That would be great.”

  She hugged me, only glancing back once as she followed Jared into a lane to pay.

  I hurried to one of the express registers, all of a sudden feeling guilty, like I’d committed some sort of mortal sin by giving my number to a Moore.

  Christopher had broken me, shattered my belief and trust. But more important than that, I had Ben to think about. Ben who had stood by my side. Ben, who even with all his faults, truly cared about me. He was my father’s best friend’s son, and basically we had grown up together. My parents had raised me with the impression that someone like Ben would be the right kind of guy for me, and with my demolished heart, it hadn’t taken him all that much to convince me I belonged with him.

  I paid and rushed outside. The blistering Phoenix summer was in full force. Suffocating heat pressed down from above, taking everything hostage, the evening sky heavy with dense clouds building steadily at the edge of the horizon.

  My feet pounded on the scorching pavement as I made my way up the aisle to my Ford Escape.

  Funny, that suddenly felt like exactly what I needed to do.

  Escape.

  Take this whole afternoon back.

  Leave the classroom of the tiny private school where I’d taken a job as a teacher during their summer program, and instead of coming here gone straight to the small house I shared with Ben –where I was safe and memories of Christopher were buried and hidden in the hope that one day they would finally be forgotten.

  I slumped into the driver’s seat, my gaze drawn to the little family that came bustling out of the store.

  My heart rattled in my chest.

  “Shit,” I cursed, gripping the wheel. “What am I doing?”

  The sick part was I knew the answer to that.

  Chapter Two

  Christopher

  Outside the bedroom door, the party raged on. Timothy’s house was splitting at the seams, the way it always was on a Friday night. Music blared, and voices lifted above it, echoing through the thin walls. Distorted sounds pounded heavily against my skin, my eyesight hazy in the deep shadows of the darkened room.

  I felt completely weightless and somehow still pinned down by the pungent fog clouding my brain.

  Every elemental part of me slowly became detached. Floated away. All of my emotions. All of my thoughts. It was like they hovered somewhere overhead, just out of reach. My entire consciousness faded away, right along with my conscience, leaving me with nothing but the physical.

  It’s what I craved. Needed. The relief of feeling nothin’ but skin on skin.

  Even though some part of me hated it at the same time.

  Slouched back on the worn out couch in the spare bedroom, I lifted the half-drained bottle of Patron to my lips, idly watching the dull mop of brown hair obstructing the face of the girl who was on her knees, sucking me off.

  The only thing I could discern was the pleasure of her hot, needy mouth and the burn of tequila as it roared through my system to settle in a scorching pool in my gut.

  She looked up from under her thick veil of hair, brown eyes wide as they searched for a connection, but instead met with the apathy in mine.

  That was the fucking problem. I was on disconnect.

  That plug had been pulled a long time ago.

  Never would I allow someone to have that kind of control over me.

  Not like she had.

  Not ever again.

  Monday morning, I rolled up in front of Jared and Aly’s house at the ass-crack of dawn. I squinted against the bright rays of light burning my eyes as the sun climbed over the horizon, chasing the last of the night from the sky.

  I cut the ignition and jumped from the cooled cab of my truck. Heat swallowed me whole. You’d think at 5:30 in the morning we’d get a little reprieve. No such luck. Summers in Phoenix were fucking misery.

  That didn’t stop the eager smile that tugged at my mouth as I ambled up their walkway.

  So what if I had to leave my man card at the door every time I walked through Jared and Aly’s door. Call me a pussy, I didn’t care.My niece had me wrapped around every single one of her tiny fingers.

  I rang the doorbell and rushed my hand through my hair, listening for movement inside. A shadow passed behind the draped window, before metal slid as the lock was unlatched. My sister grinned at me when she opened the door.

  “Christopher, aren’t you looking chipper this beautiful morning,” Aly teased as she lifted a knowing brow, stepping back to let me inside.

  So yeah, I’m sure I looked like hell. Both Friday and Saturday nights, I’d been over at Timothy’s house, living it up. Funny how all that living made me feel like death warmed over. Every weekend left me just a little more hollowed out. I was pretty sure I was slowly killing myself, week by week losing just a little more of who I was, carving away more and more of what had been important to me.

  Pretty soon there would be nothing left.

  But there was no way to get any of it back.

  Ancient history bullshit, anyway.

  I shoved all the unwelcome thoughts off, rolled my eyes as I ruffled Aly’s messy hair. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don’t have a whole lot of room to talk there, Aly Cat. You look like you got about as much sleep this weekend as I did. Livin’ up to your name?”

  Dark bags sat heavily under her green eyes, and her near-black hair was all tangled. She was wearing an old stained up t-shirt that had to be Jared’s because the girl was swimming in it. Still, my sister was beautiful. Inside and out. No wonder my dumb ass best friend couldn’t keep his hands off of her.

  She groaned a little, but somehow the sound was filled with pure affection. “Ella decided she was hungry every twenty minutes last night. I have no clue how I even got out of bed this morning. I feel like a walking zombie.”

  Jared suddenly appeared behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist as he tugged her against his chest. He buried his face somewhere in her neck. “Apparently Ella likes her mommy as much as I do.”

  I’d just about lost my goddamned mind when I found out these two were hooking up. Not because I didn’t like Jared. He’d been my best friend since I was a little kid. Sure, we’d fought like brothers, messed with each other until one of us was crying, but bottom line, we were thicker than blood. Brothers. We were always the first to have the other’s back.

  Until the day Jared caused that car accident. The one that stole his mother’s life. That accident had stolen my best friend, too.

  An old kind of pain hit me, and my chest tightened. That car accident had stolen everything. Changed everything. None of us had come out looking the same.

  Afterward, the guy had fuc
ked away his life, landed himself in juvie then disappeared for years. I never expected to see him again. When he showed up here last summer, there was no question he was still haunted. I recognized it immediately, because I recognized the same bullshit in myself.

  Then he’d gone and taken a liking to my little sister, and all hell broke loose. He and I were too much alike, and I wasn’t about to let him bring my sister down. She deserved so much better than that.

  Of course the guy had proven me wrong in every way. He loved her. Wholly and completely. Loved her in a way that girls like Aly deserved, with respect and care and devotion.

  How could I stand in the way of that?

  Didn’t mean it didn’t make me a little sick to my stomach. I took it upon myself to razz the asshole every chance I got. “Watch yourself, man, no matter which way you cut it, that’s still my little sister.”

  He nuzzled her more, this time lifting his gaze to meet mine, the mischief in his blue eyes meeting the challenge. “And no matter which way you cut it, she’s still my wife. This girl belongs to me.”

  Aly grinned wildly and leaned back into his hold.

  My chest tightened more, because it made me happy to see her this way. Happy she got to have this. Not many of us did. Love like that didn’t come around often and she’d snatched it up when she saw it, even when it’d seemed dangerous and impossible. But she knew it was worth it.

  I’d been the fool who’d let that kind of crazy love go. Didn’t matter that I’d been just a stupid punk kid, barely sixteen, or that we were nothing alike and the entire world was against us.

  None of it mattered. Not at fucking all. The only thing that mattered was it’d been real.

  Cringing, I put a cap on those thoughts, because I wasn’t about to go there. Stupid shit that I couldn’t deal with. Nor did I want to. All it did was leave me feeling pissy and sorry for myself, scorned by a girl I’d always thought would be mine.