His voice was expressionless, as though he had absolutely no feelings and no regard for the person he spoke of. He resumed on a tired sigh. “She wasn’t pushy or clingy, so I decided to date her again. We had been seeing each other for a couple of months when she told me she was pregnant.”
My abrupt intake of breath was loud, but he didn’t stir, just kept on talking in that far away voice, keeping his hands into his pockets.
“At that point, I was only functioning in an indifferent routine. When she gave me the news, I thought I’d do the decent thing and asked her to marry me. So we got married a few days later in a judge’s office, with no fuss. A month later, her mother called me while I was at work to tell me Allie had fallen down the stairs and lost the baby.”
I rubbed a hand over my mouth in disbelief. That was not what I had expected.
“That’s why you divorced her?” I asked quietly. “Because there was no baby anymore?”
He turned to me, and I could read hurt and disapproval in his gaze.
“Is that what you think of me, Angelina? Do you think I’m that much of a bastard? No, that’s not why I divorced her, but because I found out she had lied to me. There was never a baby!”
Nine
I was speechless. What could I have said anyway? The story was too shocking for words. I mean, one sees these kinds of things in soap operas, but not in real life. The thought that a real person was capable of such deception made me sick to my stomach. Who was this woman? And how could Blade have been so blinded by her so as not to see her true identity?
The answer came to my mind clear and merciless: I was to blame. He’d been so shattered by my leaving him that he’d stopped caring about his own life. If this woman, this Allie, resembled me even a little, it was natural he’d been bewitched by her.
I buried my face in my hands, shaking my head in misery, thinking of all the pain I caused to the man I loved. Wanting to spare him of what I thought would be his decline, I’d caused him more harm. God, when would this bad choice stop haunting us both?
I lifted my head to gaze at him. He was standing still, watching me. Finally, I asked in a raspy voice I didn’t recognize as my own, “Are you sure?”
“That there was no baby? Of course I’m sure. I overheard her talking on the phone with her mother about their brilliant plan. When I confronted her, she denied it at first, but after that she admitted everything. She said she did it because she loved me,” he said in derision.
“Loved you? Loved you?” I repeated outraged, getting to my feet. “That’s the behavior of a sick woman, not of a woman in love! When you love somebody, you give your own life to make him happy, not lie and deceive him for your own interest! That woman never loved you, Blade. No one could ever love you the way I—”
I stopped, but he came toward me, pressing his fists down on the table between us.
“The way you what? The way you loved me once? That’s why you abandoned me without a word?”
“I had to!”
“Why?” he shouted, his eyes sparkling with anger. “Why did you leave me, damn you? We were so good together. Or was it that just my impression? Tell me, why?”
“Because I was ashamed!”
There. It was finally out. He looked stupefied.
“Ashamed?” he repeated, nearly in a whisper. “Of me?”
“Of me! I was just the poor daughter of the town’s cleaning lady. For God’s sake, Blade! Every time I came by your house, your mother looked at me like I was something she’d picked up on the sidewalk and got stuck to her shoe. Everyone was shaking their heads behind your back, speculating if I was with you for your money, or if you were with me just to fuck me. All of your snob friends regarded me with superior disdain. Were you so blind you didn’t see any of that?”
I bit my lip to stifle a bitter sob that caught in my chest and made my throat tighten painfully. Blade’s eyes were still fixed on me, wide and shocked.
I went on, “After that night with Maggie and Steve, I knew I had to go. I wasn’t for you. You had your life and youth ahead of you. I had my mom to take care of. I couldn’t have expected you to take care of us both. I would have ruined your future. I had no choice.”
“Choice?” His voice rose as the ambiguous surprise on his face faded, once he understood. “You’re talking to me about choices? What choice did you give me, Angelina? We could have worked it out, but you took it upon yourself to make my decisions for me, without even telling me. You left me like a coward, letting me think you didn’t love me anymore, letting me drown in misery all these years without a word of explanation! I didn’t even know if you were still alive!”
His booming shout almost rattled the windows, and made me absurdly angry.
“Well, you seemed to have recovered quickly, and enough to take a wife!” I screamed back at him, pushing my face close to his. “And I’ll bet that Allie person wasn’t the only one you’ve slept with during all this time.”
“Oh, you’re always quick to judge. Have you lived like a nun since you left me?”
“Yes!”
The word vibrated in the abrupt, disbelieving silence.
Next thing I knew, his hand grasped the back of my head and his lips crushed mine. His tongue darted deep inside my mouth, forcing my lips to open, as he yanked me to him in a desperate embrace. It didn’t even occur to me to protest. On the contrary. I responded to his kiss with the blind surrender I yearned for. I swept his mouth with my tongue, thrilling in the masculine taste and scent of him. My fingers plowed through his hair, holding his head in place for our stormy, passionate kiss. Our breaths were shallow and loud, mingling together like swirling steam. Even though our clothes were still wet, heat was radiating from our hot bodies.
His hands were everywhere, cupping my face, sliding all over my body, combing through my damp hair. I trailed my tongue over his jaw, then descended down the skin of his throat, scraping my teeth greedily over him, intoxicated by the avalanche of unleashed desire that had gathered up inside me for three years.
I fumbled with the buttons of his clinging wet shirt, then tore them off impatiently to bare his chest to my eyes and touch. He was superbly built, even more gorgeous than I recalled, all subtle muscles delineated by shallow lines that defined his pectorals and abdomen. His chest was dusted with a perfect amount of dark hair.
I tasted the low sound that vibrated in his chest when my mouth closed over his nipple and sucked greedily. When I flicked my tongue over the other, his fist tightened in my hair and he dragged me back to him, kissing me with increasing urgency. His hands slipped under my wet T-shirt, cupping my breasts. They fit so right in his palms and I moaned, overwhelmed by the pleasure of his knowing touch. He slid the T-shirt over my head and took me in his arms again. I pushed my body against his, rubbing my breasts against his bare chest, frantic to feel his naked body close to mine. His hardness pushed against my middle and he pulled me closer, cupping my bottom with strong hands, as he continued kissing me hungrily.
He lifted his head and I saw his eyes were liquid with arousal, just as mine must have been. His voice sounded rough when he asked, “Do you want to go to the bedroom?”
“No,” I whispered, biting his lower lip and dragging him to the floor.
The round rug in the center of the kitchen felt soft and cozy beneath my bare back. I was thrilled by the feel of Blade’s weight on top of me. He kissed my mouth, my neck, then stopped on my breasts, drawing one nipple deep in his mouth, before moving his attention to the other one. I gasped and struggled with the zipper of his pants. When I folded my fingers around his steely length, we both stopped breathing for a moment.
“God, I want you so much, Blade... You can’t imagine how I’ve longed for you all this time.”
“Yes, I do. I love you, Angelina,” he whispered raspily. “You are and always will be my woman. Sweet and innocent, yet who inspires sin.”
As he looked down at me, his eyes were filled with tenderness and clouded by primal l
ust. He tugged at my shorts and panties, and I kicked them aside. Then he discarded the rest of his clothes, remaining gloriously naked. I only had one moment to admire his impressive erection, before he stretched above me. Our bodies fit perfectly together. I quivered in response to the nearness of this monument of raw sexuality.
He sent his tongue deep inside my mouth, just as he slipped inside me. The throbbing pressure made me tense. After three years of abstinence on my side, I think we both relived the loss of my virginity, but this time I was more than ready. The pain of his penetration was brief, but the pleasure was infinite. I arched my hips up to meet his, as he rocked against me, inside me. He was hesitant at first, mindful of hurting me, but as I relaxed under him, his strokes became more powerful, more possessive. He pushed up hard, until I wrapped my legs around his waist and sank my teeth into his shoulder, shaken by a brain-melting orgasm. I think I cried out his name, but the pounding of my heart was so loud in my ears that I couldn’t be sure.
When he felt me tense around him, Blade sank all of himself into me and came, uttering a low, guttural sound, his face buried in the hollow of my neck.
Ten
We lay like that, wrapped in each other, for a small eternity. He rested his head on my chest and I delighted in stroking his scruffy cheek, his silky hair, his naked back damp with sweat. Most of the candles had extinguished. The flames of the ones that still burned undulated lazily, spreading a dim, shifty light.
“I love you, Blade,” I whispered, feeling happier than I ever had.
He rested his face between my breasts, then kissed the soft skin and lifted his head to look at me.
“I love you too, Angelina. I could kill you for all that you’ve put me through, for all the years we’ve lost,” he said gruffly. When I opened my mouth to argue, he shook his head and placed a finger across my lips. “No, don’t say anything. You were wrong to do what you did, and I think you realize that now. We won’t talk about it anymore. But swear to me,” he emphasized, his eyes gleaming in the semi-darkness, “that you’ll never, never leave me again. Swear it.”
I heard the urgency and desperation in his words. I cupped his cheek in my palm.
“Blade, you don’t have to ask me that. I could never bear to leave you again. I’d die first. I swear it.”
He lifted himself above me and kissed me tenderly. Suddenly, he jerked defensively and rolled aside, taking me with him. I was just trying to get my bearings, braced on top of him, when I spotted Rat staring at us with his big, round, green eyes.
“God, that freaking cat’s going to give me a heart attack,” swore Blade, making me burst into laughter. I got to my feet and picked up the cat, who curled up against my chest, kneading my skin with his claws and purring away.
“He’s so sweet,” I said, smiling down at Blade. He was still on the floor, stretching his fabulously sexy body, which gleamed with sweat after the fantastic round of kitchen coitus. I felt ribbons of lust sliding up my thighs again and turned away before I gave in and jumped his bones once more.
“Hey, where are you going?” he shouted after me as I made my way through the dark hallway toward the bedroom.
“To get some clothes. I’ll be right back!”
I reached the bedroom and put Rat on the bed. Then I groped in the closet for my clothes. I had no idea what I put on, but they had the general shape of a tank top and a pair of denim shorts.
Blade came in, carrying a candle. He’d pulled on his pants, but nothing else.
“I need a shower,” I said. “I hope this power outage doesn’t last all night.”
He went to the window and opened it.
“The storm has moved away. Hopefully the power will be back soon. If not, we can skinny-dip into the ocean,” he suggested and a wide smile lit up his face.
I smiled back and took his hand.
“I’m starving. Let’s eat on the terrace,” I suggested.
I showed him where the terrace was, then went to the kitchen and gazed into the dark fridge. Since I couldn’t make the microwave oven work and couldn’t cook frozen pizza by blowing over it, I put together a snack consisting of cheese sandwiches, potato chips and cookies. I arranged everything on a platter and took it out on the terrace, along with my candle. I had a mad moment when I imagined Blade and me cooking over a camp fire, but I curbed my enthusiasm. The situation wasn’t yet so drastic.
Blade was sitting in one of the two lounge chairs with Rat in his lap. The cat was the first to smell the food and uttered a begging screech, jumping off Blade’s lap and twirling against my feet. I put the food on the small plastic table, then extracted Rat’s treat from the back pocket of my shorts: a tin of tuna. I opened it and barely had time to put it down before the kitten started wolfing down the fish.
Both Blade and I burst out laughing at his greediness.
“I wonder where he showed up from,” I said, sitting on the other chair and grabbing a sandwich. Blade had already eaten half of his and was munching at some chips.
“Who knows? What will you do with him when we go?”
“I have no idea. If someone doesn’t claim him, I guess I’ll take him with me. Mom will have a shock!” I giggled.
“How is she? Our conversation was very brief, but she sounded well.”
“She’s fine, thank God! Healthier than ever, and working to pass the time in an antique shop.”
“You did well, Angie,” he said seriously.
I sat back and watched him. A sliver of a moon had slipped through the clouds and streamed pale light above us. The night air was cool and clean, scented with salt and the balmy smell of vegetation.
“No, Blade,” I said quietly. “My existence was dull and sterile before you reappeared in my life. Only now I’m beginning to feel complete.”
I reached out my hand toward him and he kissed my fingers softly. We just sat like that, gazing at each other across the small table between us, and across the years we’d lost. Both of us had changed but, miraculously, our feelings had stayed the same. In fact, I felt that our love and passion were more potent than ever.
“We survived the worst,” Blade said as though reading my thoughts. “From now on, I want us to enjoy the best.”
I rose from my chair and went to him. He took me onto his lap and laid my head on his shoulder, cuddling me like a child. I could have sat like that forever, curled up against him, listening to the strong, steady beats of his heart, with that silver moon above us and the kitten snuggling in the opposite chair.
We talked about everything and nothing. I asked him about his parents, his life, his career. It seemed there wasn’t much to say. Just like me, his inert existence over the past three years could be recounted in a few phrases. It’s funny how, when you’re unhappy, life can pass by you without anything actually happening. Blade had been building his career as a journalist, first in Sacramento, then in Seattle, covering mostly political events. But when Howie had told Blade’s father—who was indeed still mayor in Jamestown—about the job opening of editor-in-chief at Unabridged, a change of scenery and perspective had been just what Blade needed, especially when he was going through a nasty divorce. Allison, now his ex-wife, had fought hard, and had fought dirty.
“I guess she wanted money more than she wanted me,” he was saying now, absently combing his fingers through my hair.
“Did you love her, Blade?” I raised my head to look into his eyes.
He met my gaze straight and replied without hesitation, “No, not in the least. I told you, I only started dating her because she looked like you. And because I was lonely and miserable without you. I would never have married her if I didn’t think she was expecting my child.”
He paused for a moment, then asked, “Were you serious when you said you haven’t been with anyone else since you left?”
“Yes.” I looked deeply up at his face. “There hasn’t been anyone but you.” I sighed and rested my head back onto his chest. “I tried going out with a few guys, but could barely t
olerate a goodnight kiss. It became obvious I couldn’t sleep with anyone else and didn’t want to. It was unfair to the poor guys, so I stopped dating altogether.”
“What if I hadn’t become your new boss? Would you have gone off men for the rest of your life?”
I pondered his question for a long time, then replied truthfully, amazed myself at this revelation. “I think I would have come after you, Blade. I... I’ve thought about it thousands of times, but I was sure you’d moved on with your life and forgotten about me. I imagined you had a family and didn’t even remember me.”
He expelled an incredulous breath.
“Didn’t remember you? God, how could such an aberration have crossed your mind? Never mind.” He shook his head to stave off further arguments. “Let’s not talk about it anymore. From now on we’ll only talk about the future. Come on, let’s walk on the beach.”
He pushed me gently off him and we both got to our feet. Rat was sound asleep on the other lounge chair—a full, contented ball of fur. I bent and stroked him briefly, then Blade took my hand and dragged me down the terrace steps.
The sand was cool and damp beneath our feet. It felt like walking through mud, something I liked doing all my life. With our arms wrapped around each other’s waists, we strolled down the beach. The wind was now just a light, pleasant breeze. The ocean was quiet and calm. A few waves idly stroked the shore from time to time in soothing movements. There was something to say about the calm after a storm too. The air itself was relaxed and reinvigorating.
“How did you find me anyway?” it occurred to me to ask him.
He uttered a sound between a snort and a sigh.
“Don’t even remind me! After I coerced her into it, Isabelle wrote me the address on a piece of paper, but she was smart enough—or maybe sly enough—not to write any directions. I reached Tacoma very fast, but it took more than an hour and the questioning of more than five people to get to this damned cottage.”
Unabridged Page 6
