I’m a coward for doing it this way, and I’m sorry. I kept us going until the last second because I wanted you so much. I wanted to share as many precious moments with you as I could, because I will carry you in my heart as the only man I'll ever love. I need you to fully understand that before you read on. Know that above everything else, I love you, and try to remember that for a short time, you loved me too. Please keep that in your heart when you look at the pictures of our time together. Focus on the good. Focus on our love. I know I will.
Now it’s time for my confession. I’ve already told you about my home life and how I was kicked out at 15, but it's after that that my life became an unforgivable disaster.
I didn’t go to foster care, Elliot. I couch hopped for as long as I could but eventually I was forced onto the street.
I’m ashamed to say this, but I fell in with the wrong people. I took drugs, and I sold even more. When dealing wasn’t an option anymore, I went home with different men, doing what I had to do to get a bed and some food for the night. I used people. I made one guy fall in love with me then cheated with his best friend. Then I did it all again, and again. I lost track of how many men there were. I was rarely sober enough to remember their names.
That’s when I met the man who destroyed my trust in men. He wasn’t good. But at that point, neither was I. I was a thief. I was an addict. I was a whore. He simply saw what I was and took advantage of it. He gave me away and my life stopped. I did things. Terrible, disgusting, sick and twisted things for the sake of a hit. And when I was all used up, when my skin was sucked against my bones and my veins collapsed, I was cast out again. But this time, I wasn’t alone.
There was a child in my womb. I didn’t even know until it was too late. I was in an ambulance, half out of my mind, bleeding and in pain when they told me. My baby was coming. Something was wrong.
Later that day, I realised the monster I had become when I delivered a baby girl. She was so tiny, Elliot, and she was all blue. Not even a single breath of life in her because I’d killed her in my body. The drugs. The drugs. The fucking drugs. What kind of person doesn’t realise a life is growing inside her? What kind of person kills her baby without offering it a shred of love during its moment of existence? My heart died when I held her in my arms, horrified by what I’d done. I promised then and there that I would never abuse another substance again. I promised to never trust a man, never give into attraction, never go looking for love. I didn’t deserve it. Not when my little baby never knew a moment of comfort.
Phoenix. That’s her name. I called her that because I had to believe she’d be born again to another mother who would be far better to her than I could ever have been.
My tattoo is for her. It gives me comfort to imagine she's with me, to talk to her in my mind, to touch her when I’m stressed, or alone, or sad. It’s also a constant reminder of what I did, and why I need to leave you.
I killed my baby, Elliot. Let that sink in. I was a drug-addled whore who was so bent on destroying my life that I destroyed the life of a tiny girl who’s only failing was choosing my womb to carry her. I’m a monster. And you deserve so much more than I can give you.
So I’m saying goodbye. I’m letting you go. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m so sorry I let our relationship get to this point, and I’m so sorry I had to tell you in a letter. I simply wasn’t strong enough to tell you to your face.
I love you, Elliot Roberts. I will hold the time we had together close to my heart for the rest of my life. It was absolutely perfect to me. Every moment was. You need to know that even if you can’t look at my pictures anymore. Maybe it would be best if you delete them and forget about me all together.
You deserve love; you deserve a life that is so much more wonderful than anything we could have had together. If you do anything for me, please let it be that. And please don’t look for me. I won’t be here.
Goodbye, Elliot.
Yours forever,
Paige xxx
I cover my face with my hands as my tears flow freely. I haven’t cried since I was a kid but these great wracking sobs are escaping my body. Frantically, I grab for my phone. I need to speak to her. I need to tell her that the past is the past. I need to tell her it wasn’t her fault—drugs do shit things to people—and most of all, I need to tell her I love her. I don’t care what she did to survive. I don’t care. I love her no matter what. Why didn’t she trust me to love her?
I call and I call, and I get her voice mail over and over again. I plead with her. I beg her to come back and see me. I promise her I’ll come back for her, that she doesn’t have to be alone. “Everyone deserves a second chance at life, Paige. Everyone deserves love. I’m not leaving you.”
When I look at the clock and realise I need to leave for the airport, I pitch my phone as hard as I can against the floor, smashing the screen and rendering it unusable.
“How is she going to call you back if your phone is broken?” Naomi asks quietly from the doorway. She's been watching me all day. I think I’ve scared her.
I crouch on the ground to pick up the remains of my phone and shake my head. “She’s not calling me back,” I say, completely defeated.
She comes over to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders, hugging me tightly. “I’m so sorry, Elliot, I could tell how much you loved her.”
“Love her, Naomi. I love her.”
Paige
I haven’t stopped crying since I left the flat. I sit in my car on the side of the road, howling against the steering wheel because my heart won't quit tearing at my chest. Even imaginary conversations with my daughter don't ease this pain. There is nothing that eases a shattering heart. Nothing. I know this because my heart has broken so many times I’m surprised there was anything left. In time, and the pain will numb. But in this moment I can do nothing but feel.
Elliot keeps calling. Why would he want to speak to me? Is it to yell at me? To have his say so he can walk away knowing he called me a piece of shit? No. He’s not that kind of person. Then why? Surely, he can’t still want me after reading my confession. How could he possibly want someone so selfish that they killed their own baby? Not to mention how I’ve treated him. It’s just not possible.
With shaking hands, I take my phone and dial my voicemail, desperate to hear his voice. When I hold my phone to my ear, my mother’s voice filters out. “Paige. Please talk to me. There are things you don’t know.” I skip her message. Frowning because I can’t focus on her right now. But her voice keeps coming, over and over. Skip, skip, skip. Then I stop breathing when Elliot’s strained voice fills my ears.
“Paige, please come back, we can work this out. I don’t care what you did, I love you, Paige. Please Paige, please come back with me.”
Tears stream down my face as I listen, he sounds so tormented, and by his final message, I hate myself even more than I thought I possibly could.
“Everyone deserves a second chance at life, Paige. Everyone deserves love. I’m not leaving you.”
I place my hand over my screaming heart and claw at my skin. God, what have I done?
Elliot
“You need to go, Elliot,” Naomi says while placing a gentle hand on my back.
“I’m not leaving,” I insist.
She squats down on the floor next to me, placing her hands on my knees as she looks into my eyes. “I know you don’t want to. But if you overstay your visa, they won’t let you back.”
“What if she comes back? What if she changes her mind and I’m not here?”
“She’s not coming back, Elliot. You and I both know that. If she was anywhere waiting, she’d be at the airport expecting you to be there too.”
“What if she isn’t there either?”
“Then we wait as long as we can, and we hope. But you have to be on that plane.”
“I can’t leave.”
“You can come back. I will track her down, and I will make her talk to you. She’s not lost, OK? She’s just…
I don’t know, she’s freaking out right now. We can get through to her. But we can’t get through to her if you get kicked out of the country. Be smart, Elliot. Play the long game.”
“Fuck.” I take a deep breath and blow it out through my teeth, pissed that this is where we are. “You’re right. Fuck it, you’re right.”
She gives my forearm a gentle squeeze. “I’ll help you with your bags.”
She drives me to the airport and stays silently by my side as I check in. We scan the crowd, waiting for as long as we can before I have to line up for my security check.
“Maybe she’s already at the gate?” she says.
I shake my head as I lean down to kiss her cheek. “She’s not here, Nomes. She left me.”
“I’ll find her, OK? I promise you I will find her for you. This can’t be over.” A tear falls down her cheek. “It can’t be over. You love each other too much.”
Pulling her into my arms, I take a deep breath as I squeeze her in comfort, dropping a final kiss on the top of her head. “Goodbye, Naomi. And thank you. You’re an amazing friend.”
“You too,” she says, sobbing as I let her go and walk away, numb. What else is there to do?
Paige
I can’t believe I did this. I can’t believe I’m sending him home without saying goodbye. I can’t believe I’m not going with him. Shit. I race through the airport, searching for his face above the crowd, frantically weaving through people I don’t even really see.
But when someone stands in front of me, blocking my path, I‘m forced to pause my search and focus on the face in front of me.
“Paige!” Naomi grabs me by my arms and holds me still. “Where are your bags? Are you checked in?”
“Where is he?” I gasp, my voice frantic. “I need to say goodbye, I need to say I’m sorry.”
Her eyes flash. “You’re still not going back with him? What is wrong with you?” Aggravation flares inside me. She’s not answering my question.
“Naomi! Where is he?” Please. Please be here.
“He’s already gone through,” she says. “You’re too late. Unless you’re getting on that plane.”
“Shit. Shit.” I glance up at the flight board. I don’t have any luggage but my passport and ticket are in my purse. Maybe I can make it? “Fuck.” Rushing for the check in, I rummage through my bag, hands shaking too hard to function.
“Let me,” Naomi says, taking my bag and getting my passport out. “Where’s your ticket?” She digs about, frowning.
“What?”
“Your ticket. It’s not here.”
I grab for my bag, about to dump the contents on the ground before the realisation hits me. “Elliot has it.”
“Oh crap. Well… Maybe you can talk to someone at the counter? They have your name. Surely they can help you.”
I nod. “OK.”
I feel close to puking as we wind our way to the service desk, and tell the clerk about my plight, handing over my passport and the email confirmation on my phone. “I’m sorry, miss. This flight has closed.”
“But I don’t have luggage. You can just put me on there and I’ll go straight through.”
“I’m sorry. Boarding has already commenced. Perhaps I can book you on the next flight? There’s one leaving at eleven tonight. It’s fully booked, but I can put you on standby?”
Water blocks my vision as I stare at the woman, eyes swimming. “You mean, I’m too late?”
“I’m sorry. But I can book you on—”
“No,” I whisper, blinking tears. “No, thank you.”
I walk away in a daze, my blood pumping so hard through my ears that the airport noise is muffled. I’m too late.
“What are you doing?” Naomi yells after me, grabbing my arm and tugging me to a stop. “Get the ticket. Get any ticket. Just get through security and go find him.”
“Didn’t you hear her, Naomi? They’re already boarding. Even if I get in there, I can’t get to him in time.”
“Then wait for the next flight. Go back to Sydney. Find him. Don’t let this go, Paige. I’ve watched you fall in love with each other. You are literally the embodiment of every romantic couple I’ve ever read about. You’re soulmates. I know you are. And if you can’t make it work then what hope is there for the rest of us?” She wipes a tear from her cheek with an angry swipe.
I shake my head, frowning because I should never have come here. “You read too many books. Real life doesn’t work that way.” Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I turned to walk away.
“Don’t do this,” she says and I stop.
“Do you believe in fate?”
Her eyes light up a touch. “Of course.”
“This is it. This is fate telling me I was right to let him go.”
“No, Paige. This isn’t fate at all. You’re just not trying hard enough.”
“If fate wanted us to be together, I would’ve made it here on time. I would’ve gotten that ticket and made it through security just in time to see him go through the door. Then he would’ve looked back and seen me in that last second, and I’d run into his arms and he’d catch me, and we be together. Credits rolling. But that’s not real life. That’s not what this is. I left him. I left him because I’m a shitty person, and all of this—” I gesture around me “—is a sign that he’s better off without me. He’s better off. I promise you.”
“Paige,” she calls after me when I turn away. But I don’t stop this time. I keep going, and I don’t look back.
Twenty-Eight
Elliot
Life is so shit sometimes. Being trapped on a plane with nothing but your thoughts for company causes you to run through every emotion possible. I can’t sleep. So I spend a full day flying and staring at the vacant seat beside me, hoping she’ll somehow materialise next to me and tell me I was dreaming.
But I’m not dreaming.
At first, I was upset that she wasn’t with me. Then I was angry she didn’t trust me to understand, and then I tried to put myself in her life, so I could understand why she’d think that way.
One thing was very clear to me when I got off that plane. Paige needs me to go back there for her. She might not realise it because no one has ever stuck around for her before, but I know in my heart it’s true. I need to go back. I don’t care what she did in her past. I only care about what she does in her future, and I will do everything in my power to make sure that future is with me.
I’m not giving up.
When I exit the terminal, Mum is waiting for me, tears of joy in her eyes because she’s so happy to see me. I wave back, smiling at her excitement. But I’m almost fucking crying because it hits me real hard that Paige has never had this, she’s never had someone miss her so much they cry at the airport. Fuck. I’m grieving just thinking about it.
“Where is she?” Mum asks as I get closer. She was expecting Paige to come home as well.
I shake my head. “She didn’t come.”
She immediately pulls me to her, hugging me tightly. “Welcome home, sweetheart,” she says, before she holds me at arm’s length and looks into my face, searching my expression. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Shaking my head, I let out an exasperated sigh. “I’m angry, and hurt, and exhausted. But I need to go back. I turn around and go back right now if they’d let me through customs.”
My mother sighs as she reaches up and cups my face in her hands. “My boy. Did you have a fight?”
I shake my head. “Everything was perfect up until the last moment. Then she left. It’s complicated, but I keep trying to figure out a way back and I’m caught in red tape. I couldn’t stay because I’d ruin my chances of getting another visa, and I can’t fly straight back as a tourist because customs will refuse me entry since my visa just expired. I feel so fucking powerless,” I say. “Pardon my French.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. You were so excited about her on the phone. But I know you’ll get through this. We’ll help you any way
we can.” Trying to keep my breathing steady, I hug my mother and draw as much comfort from her as I can. It doesn’t matter how old you get. A hug from your mother always helps.
“Thanks, Mum.”
She drives me back to my place and walks me inside, trying to make some small talk about things that happened while I’ve been gone. I know I’m not listening to her properly. I just can’t right now. I feel so helpless in my own destiny. The woman I love is on the other side of the world, and there’s nothing I can do but fucking wait.
I collapse in exhaustion on my couch as Mum brings me a cup of coffee and some cake she’s brought around.
“I put some meals in the fridge for you, just to try to help you get through the jet lag. So you don’t have to worry about cooking or shopping,” she tells me.
I reach over to her and give her arm a gentle squeeze as thanks. “You’re the best.”
“Do you have any idea why she left?”
I squeeze my eyes shut and take a breath before I answer. “She’s scared.”
“Of what?”
Sitting up, I place my mug on the coffee table in front of me. “Of being loved. She's just had a really shitty life and has got it in her head that no one could love her once they know her whole story.”
My mother regards me quietly, taking a sip of her tea before speaking. “But you obviously do.”
“Yeah, I know it. I suspected something bad. But I wasn’t expecting it to be as bad as it was. No one has ever loved her, Mum. No one. I need to prove to her she’s worth fighting for.”
“It sounds like you really love her.”
“I do. I love her so much it hurts me. It hurts so much.” And I don’t feel a tiny bit weird telling my mum about it.
She comes over and sits beside me, taking my hand in hers. “You do what you need to do, my love. You have a wonderful heart, and she’s lucky to have it. I’ll do whatever I can to help you get back to her.”
Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet Page 63
