by Kristen Rose
I looked up at the calendar. Saturday: Pilates 9am.
I put on my pink converse sneakers and tied my hair into a bun, making sure it was air hostess neat before stepping out into the corridor to head down to breakfast.
I was strutting towards the elevator when it dinged open all by itself and Tracy exited. I stopped. She waddled out, clutching a few chocolate muffins.
Tracy let herself in through the glass door and stopped when she saw me, she glared at me before re-fixing her face so it resembled someone who had just smelled dog poo. After lingering for a few moments, she tilted her head upwards and re-commenced her penguin waddle. When she passed me she made a point of knocking me over; I crash landed into the wall. Before waddling over to her door and unlocking it, she stopped and turned her glare towards me again. I glared right back.
‘Hello Jennifer.’ She said slowly with a hint of hatred.
‘Hello Tracy.’ I replied in the same manner. She turned and continued waddling into her room. I got up from my landing site. There was a dull ache in my left elbow and my buttocks. I rubbed my elbow and then brushed the back of my white pants to remove any dirt residue from the carpet off them and continued towards the elevator.
When I arrived at the elevator I had to wait a few minutes for it to arrive again. When it did it was occupied by a few nurses and Mike.
‘Hi Jenny!’ He said to me.
‘Hello Mike,’ I replied.
‘Off to breakfast?’ He said bobbing up and down.
‘Yeah.’
‘Great, so am I.’
I walked into the elevator and pushed the nurses out of the way so I could stand next to Mike.
‘Nice day. Are you going to work on your garden this morning?’ He asked me.
‘Ugh … No! It’s way too cold outside. I couldn’t possibly go out there, especially with no moisturiser, I would completely ruin my complexion. There’s nothing worse than wind burnt cheeks.’ I said. Then I stared at the nurses red, wind burnt cheeks.
‘Won’t your plants die?’
‘No. Rosie always looks after them. I have her wrapped around my little finger.’
‘Oh, well I might go and work on mine for a little bit.’ He said happily.
‘Well sure, but if I were you I wouldn’t waste my time.’ I replied crossing my arms.
‘Why?’
‘Because Tommy chucked a tantrum the other day and stomped down your entire garden.’ I explained.
‘He did! Why I ought to give him a big smack.’ He then smacked his own behind a few times with his right hand. Tommy is Mike’s tenth personality – an eleven year old boy. ‘That should teach him.’ He laughed.
‘Yeah, it sure will.’ I rolled my eyes.
The elevator arrived on the first floor and we exited. I strutted straight for the cafeteria. Mike followed, trying to keep up with me. The cafeteria was quiet, most patients are usually done with breakfast by eight-thirty.
I walked up to the serving counter and picked up a tray. I piled a few pancakes on a plate and drizzled on some maple syrup, grabbed a cup of coffee and headed towards my favourite table.
‘So,’ Mike said, following me, ‘what are you going to do this morning then?’
‘Pilates.’
‘Why?’ He asked, as if he could think of nothing worse.
‘Because I need to keep myself well-toned, there’s nothing worse than flabby arms.’
‘Do I have flabby arms?’ He asked me before raising one of his stick thin arms in the air and moving it back and forth to see if it wobbled, it didn’t. ‘Huh, I guess I better eat some more waffles then.’ He put his arm back down and shoved a fork full of waffle into his mouth; his cheeks puffed out like a fish. He chewed with concentration.
‘Hey, guys!’ A voice yelled from the door. I looked up to see Dave running over to our table, simultaneously brushing his brown hair out of his eyes.
He sat down next to Mike, facing me.
‘Jennifer, you are the most beautiful person in the world. Every day I wish I were you and until that day comes I vow to be your slave.’ He chanted.
‘Nicely done Dave, but I don’t have any more … moisturiser for you today.’ He looked disheartened.
‘What’s up Dave?’ Mike asked.
‘Well, you’ll never guess what I heard last night.’ Dave said, enthused.
‘Ghwatt?’ Mike spat through his mouth full of waffle.
‘Excuse me?’ I stared at him like he was a disgusting pig. He put his index finger in the air indicating us to give him a second so he could finish chewing and then he swallowed the large mass of waffle in his mouth.
‘What?’ He asked Dave again, this time it was audible.
‘Someone inside this hospital is going to be murdered!’ He said dramatically.
‘Huh?’ I looked at him confused.
‘Yeah, what do you mean?’ Mike asked forgetting about his waffles.
‘Well, last night I got rushed up to the medical ward again for ... uhhh … an outbreak of heat rash.’
‘Heat rash? In this weather?’ I raised my eyebrows.
‘Hey, the heater in the men’s ward is broken or something, it’s like a sauna.’
‘Sure.’ I said, not believing a word. Mike giggled.
‘Anyway,’ Dave continued, ‘while I was waiting for the nurse to un-glue ... to treat my heat rash, I overheard some guards talking outside the door.’ He paused.
‘Yeah ...’ Mike prompted, captivated by his story.
‘Well one of the guards said to the other that he had just gotten a phone call from their boss who told him that he had decided to change the plan.’
‘What plan?’ Mike asked.
‘I don’t know!’
‘Oh, sorry. Continue.’
‘I will. So then this guard said that the boss wanted to kill her instead.’
‘Kill who?’ Mike shouted out.
‘I’m getting to that.’ Dave was annoyed. I remained silent. ‘I’m just trying to tell the story the same way I heard it so I don’t miss anything out.’
‘Oh, yeah. Good thinking.’ Mike said nodding.
‘So then the other guard said “when does he want us to do it?” and the first guard replied “he doesn’t want us to do it, he wants to do it himself” and then the second guard got all annoyed and started saying how that would be impossible because he, their boss that is, would never be able to get close enough to her, the person he wants to murder, and even if he did he wouldn’t be able to get a weapon in here to kill her with. Then the first guard said that their boss wants them to sneak him in through security in the middle of the night so he can do it.’ Dave stopped to draw breath.
‘No way! Is that possible?’ Mike turned to me.
‘Well, that’s exactly what the second guard started to argue.’ Dave continued. ‘He said that they would never be able to get him in because the other guards would intervene. But then the first guard said that they could as long as they sedated all of the other guards so they would be the only ones in charge.’ He paused for breath. ‘That way their boss could get in and do his killing undetected and then leave again and the other guards wouldn’t know what had happened until they woke up and by then it would be too late.’
‘No! That’ll never happen.’ Mike paused. ‘So when are they gonna do it?’ He asked casually.
‘Tonight!’ Dave said dramatically.
‘Tonight?’ I shouted without thinking.
‘Yep, tonight.’ Dave nodded.
‘What time?’ Mike asked.
‘I’m not exactly sure, they said sometime after midnight, that way they can be sure most of the people in here will be asleep, especially the victim.’ He finished dramatically.
‘Wow. Did they say who the victim is?’ Mike asked.
‘Yeah, except I don’t know who they are. I was hoping maybe one of you guys would know them, you’ve both been here for ages.’
‘Maybe.’ Mike said.
‘Who?’ I asked hurriedly. ‘Who is
it?’
‘Well, they used the name Barns.’ Dave said.
‘Barns?’ Mike asked, scrunching his face.
‘Yeah.’
‘Hmm … I don’t think I know anyone called Barns and I’ve been here for ten years. Jenny, do you know who it is?’
‘Umm … maybe. Hey, what do you think my chances are of placing a telephone call to the outside are?’ I said quickly.
‘A telephone call? Who do you want to call?’ Mike asked me. ‘And why change the subject? We’re trying to figure out who this Barns person is.’ He brandished his fork at me.
‘Okay. Can you guys keep a secret? And I don’t mean a “Tracy took a dump in the grounds” kind of secret; I mean an actual legitimate secret.’
‘Yeah.’ They said in unison, eyes wide.
‘You swear.’
‘We swear.’ Once again in unison, they both leaned into the table.
‘Okay.’ I checked either side of me to make sure no one was listening. ‘I’m Barns.’
‘What?’ Dave didn’t believed me. ‘No, you’re name is Jennifer.’
‘Yeah. Jennifer Barns.’ I said.
‘No, it’s not.’ Mike piped up. ‘It’s Parson, that’s what the guards call you.’
‘Yeah, but it’s a fake name. I admitted myself under a fake name. My real last name is Barns.’
‘Why would you admit yourself under fake name?’ Dave scrunched his face at me.
‘Because … I didn’t want anyone to know I was here.’ I said quickly, returning to my pancakes.
‘Why? Are you embarrassed or something?’
‘Yeah, I guess you could say that.’ I stabbed a piece of pancake with my fork.
‘Well, you know what that means.’ Dave said.
‘What?’ Mike asked.
‘That Jennifer is going to be murdered tonight!’ Fear spread across his usually cheery face.
‘Oh my god!’ Mike shouted, dropping his fork.
‘Hey, will you keep your voice down.’ I spat.
‘Sorry.’
‘Look, I need to call someone. Someone who can help me.’ I whispered.
‘We can help you Jenny.’ Mike said.
‘Thanks Mike, but this guy is a professional. There’s no point putting you two up against a murderer, he’ll kill you before you even see him. I need to call someone that can provide real assistance.’
‘Well, whether or not you can use the phone depends on how you’ve been categorised.’ Dave said.
‘Categorised?’ I felt my forehead scrunching.
‘Yeah. Some patients are always allowed to use the phone, some are designated a certain number of phone calls per month and others can’t use the phone at all unless they have permission from their doctor. You’ve been here for ages, how can you not know that?’ He put his hands in the air.
‘I’ve never needed to use the phone before.’ I said simply.
‘Well, my advice to you would be to just go up and casually tell them that you need to use the phone. With a bit of luck you won’t need permission.’
‘Yeah? I’ll bet all of the chocolate in the world that I will.’ I said bitterly.
‘What’s so bad about needing permission?’ Mike asked.
‘Well, for starters, Debbie isn’t here today and even if she were here she wouldn’t give me permission unless I told her she could listen in on the conversation. You should’ve heard her when I got visitors the other week. It’s a good thing the visiting rooms aren’t fitted with microphones ...’
‘Well, what about Dr Baker? I’m sure he’ll let you use the phone.’
‘Maybe, but he’s not here today either.’ I put my head in my hands.
‘Look, why don’t you just go and ask. If they say no then we’ll think of something else.’ Dave said.
‘Yeah, alright.’ I left the rest of my pancakes and got up.
‘Do you want us to come with you?’ Mike asked.
‘No, that’s okay.’ I shrugged them away.
‘I think we better go with her.’ Mike said to Dave. They both got up. I rolled my eyes before striding out of the cafeteria. Dave and Mike followed like they were my own little possie.
The three of us headed over to the phone booths located on the ground floor opposite the doors to the outside. There’s a little old lady who sits behind a counter protruding out of the wall that is in charge of them. As we approached the phone booths the two guards that man the doors to the outside gave us strange looks. I guess they don’t usually see people heading their way in groups. I walked up to the elderly lady behind the counter.
‘I want to use the phone.’ I yelled.
‘I’ll need to see your identity bracelet.’ I gave her my left hand with a sigh, as if I were doing here a huge favour. She scanned the bar code on it.
‘Name?’ She asked blandly.
‘Jennifer Parson.’
‘Do you have a permission slip Miss Parson?’
‘No. I wasn’t aware this was high school.’ I laughed.
‘You’re a class one.’ She said un-enthused.
‘And what do you mean by that?’ I asked rudely.
‘It means that you’re not allowed to use the phone without your doctor’s permission.’
‘My doctor is not in today so I cannot get her permission.’
‘Then you’ll have to wait until Monday.’ She said blandly.
‘Monday? I’m afraid this cannot wait until Monday. Isn’t there anything I can do? If a little bribe is what you’re after, I have a fifty upstairs with your name on it.’ I whispered, leaning in towards her.
‘I’d rather not lose my job. Come back on Monday with a permission slip.’
‘But she’ll be dead by then!’ Mike interjected.
‘Mike, shut up.’ I spat at him.
‘Oh, right, I forgot – it’s a secret.’ He sheepishly took a step back.
‘Excuse me?’ The old lady looked at Mike. ‘What do you mean by that young man?’
‘Nothing, just a little game we’re playing, that’s all.’ Dave said quickly.
‘A game?’ She raised her wrinkled forehead.
‘Yes, whoever ever doesn’t get to use the phone must die, figuratively of course. You know, like the game stuck in the mud, when you get caught you’re stuck in the mud but you’re not actually stuck in the mud. You get it.’ He fumbled.
‘No.’ The woman said looking at us like we were perhaps a little bit crazier than the rest of the patients.
‘I guess you lose Jenny.’ Dave patted my back.
‘Let’s go.’ I said. ‘Thanks for nothing you useless old hag.’ The woman opened her mouth in shock and then turned and picked up her telephone. ‘There’s no point reporting me, they won’t do anything about it.’ I said before turning and walking back in the direction we had come. Dave and Mike lingered for a second staring at the woman before following me back down the corridor.
‘Jenny, hang on a second.’ Dave said when we were halfway back to the cafeteria.
‘What?’
‘I’m allowed to use the phone.’ His eyes lit up.
‘So?’
‘So, I can ring whoever it is you need to ring for you.’
‘Hey, that’s not a bad idea ...’ I stopped and faced him.
‘Come on then.’ Dave ran back to the phone booths. When he reached the counter he said to the lady, ‘I’d like to use the phone please.’
The lady stared at the three of us before saying in a slightly angered voice, ‘Let me see your identity bracelet.’ Dave showed it to her and she scanned the bar code just as she had done with mine. ‘Name?’
‘David Hunter.’
‘Okay, go into booth number two.’ She said. She pushed a little button underneath her counter and booth number two clicked open. ‘You’re only allowed half an hour.’
‘I know.’ Dave walked over to booth number two. ‘What’s the phone number Jenny?’
I stared at him blankly.
‘Um ... I don’
t know. Shit, what should I do?’ I said.
‘Don’t panic.’ Dave said calmly. ‘Just tell me their name and where they live and I’ll call information and find out their number.’
‘Excuse me, I won’t allow this.’ The woman from behind the counter shouted at us. ‘You cannot get someone else to make a phone call for you Miss Parson.’
‘He’s not making a phone call for me.’ I said innocently.
‘Then what are you all talking about?’
‘It’s a game.’ Dave said. ‘Whoever can successfully find the phone number of a random person designated by another player doesn’t die. Jennifer gets to do the designating seeing as she can’t use the phone.’
The woman eyed us suspiciously. ‘I suggest you hurry up. Your half hour started when I unlocked the door to the booth.’
‘Well, you’re the one who’s holding us up.’ I said. I turned back to Dave.
‘Peter O’Connell, that’s his name and he lives in Sydney.’
‘Peter O’Connell, Sydney.’ Dave repeated. He went to go inside the booth. ‘Hang on,’ he stopped and stepped back out again, ‘what am I supposed to say if he answers?’
‘Well, first of all make sure it’s really him.’
‘How?’
‘Ask him if he knows me, and if he’s the same Peter who visited me the other week and if he’s from Scotland. If he says yes to all of those things, it’s him. Then tell him everything you heard last night.’ I whispered all of this to him so no one could hear except for Mike who was standing right next to me. ‘And make sure you tell him that they’re coming tonight to … you know.’
‘Kill you.’ Mike shouted.
‘Shh.’ I glared at him. ‘Then tell him that he has to come and help me and if he does I will agree to do what he wants me to do.’
‘You will agree to do what he wants you to do if he comes and helps.’ Dave recited.
‘Good.’ I said. ‘Now, tell me what his name is.’ I tested.
‘Peter O’Connell from Sydney.’
‘Yes … Actually, Detective Peter O’Connell. Use that instead, it might be easier to get the right person then.’
‘Detective? Okay.’ Dave nodded. He went inside the booth and shut the glass door. Mike and I watched him as he picked up the phone and dialled.
We waited in silence as Dave picked up a pen and wrote down a list of phone numbers. He hung up and dialled a new number, within seconds he hung the phone up again. I looked up at the clock, it was eight fifty. He’d been in there for just under ten minutes. Mike and I watched as Dave dialled countless numbers, hanging up every time. Then after another ten minutes, Dave dialled a number without hanging up after a few seconds. He then turned around towards us and gave me two thumbs up.
I could see him retelling the story he had overheard last night, see him telling Peter to come and help. He started writing something down onto a piece of paper. After another five minutes he hung the phone up and walked out of the booth, paper in hand.
‘Come on, let’s go outside where we can talk freely.’ Dave said.
This time Dave led the way. We walked to the end of the corridor and into the recreation room. At the far end of the room I could see the Pilates instructor along with a small group of patients getting ready to start the class.
We walked outside, through the individual gardens and towards a small courtyard on the right hand side. We sat down at a wooden table. No one else was around, it was too cold for morning strollers.
‘Well …’ I said. ‘Is he coming?’
‘I think so.’ Dave said.
‘You think so! What do you mean? Did you tell him everything?’
‘Yeah, of course.’ He defended.
‘Well … was he concerned or worried?’ I asked.
‘I dunno … he was efficient.’ He shrugged.
‘Efficient?’
‘Yeah. As soon as I told him who I was and what I heard and how you told me to contact him because you can’t use the phone he was really quick to take charge. He told me a bunch of things to tell you, I wrote them down.’
‘Well, let’s hear them.’
‘Can I read them out?’ Mike asked eagerly. Dave looked at me for approval. I nodded. Mike eagerly took the piece of paper out of Dave’s hand.
‘Number one,’ he said, ‘stay calm. Number two, don’t tell anybody else. Number three, continue to act normal. Act normal?’ Mike laughed. ‘Now that is funny.’
‘Mike, stop mucking around.’ I said.
‘Sorry. Number four, lock yourself in your room after dinner and stay there, do not leave under any circumstances.’ He flipped over the piece of paper to see if there was more on the other side, then flipped it back around again. ‘That’s it.’ He looked up at us, disappointed.
‘What? What do you mean that’s it?’ I yanked the piece of paper out of his hand and read it to myself. Stay calm, act normal and stay put. ‘That’s exactly the kind of thing you would expect from a police officer. I could’ve thought of that myself!’ I turned to Dave, tossing the piece of paper aside. ‘Did he say at all if he was coming?’
‘He said that he would handle it and that everything would be okay. I think that means he’s coming.’ He said confidently.
‘I hope you’re right.’ I picked up the piece of paper slowly and put it in my pocket before standing up.
‘Hey, where are you going?’ Mike asked.
‘To Pilates.’ I said.
‘What? You’re still going to go?’
‘Yes. Peter says to act normal. If I hadn’t of found out about all of this I would be going to Pilates, so in order to act normal, I’m going to Pilates.’ I then left the two of them to sit and chat amongst themselves.
#22 The Plan
