“I’m so sorry that you had such a disappointment as a mother.”
I rolled my eyes. Now she was the victim? “That’s a hell of a way to say you’re sorry. Have you even tried to apologize, even once, to me? You took my father from me. My whole life I thought the man was dead. And instead he’s alive and well and playing happy family with some psychopath in San Francisco.”
Mom sucked in a quick breath. “He called her a psychopath?”
“Great, Mom. I’m glad you get what’s important in this conversation.” I pushed to my feet.
I got about three steps before she said a word.
“Sabrina, wait.”
I stopped with my hand on the door handle. I didn’t even bother to turn around. “Why, Mom? Why? I’ve waited my entire life to have a father figure in my life. You never moved on. Maybe it’s time that I did.”
“I am sorry,” she whispered.
Did the apology really count when I had to practically rip it from her?
“I’ve regretted my decision for so many years. Brian was married by the time I found out that I was pregnant. He’d already chosen her over me. I was afraid he wouldn’t want you. I knew he didn’t want me.” The last words were so pained and tortured. It might’ve happened over twenty years ago, but her wound was deep. “So I didn’t tell him about the pregnancy. I gave birth to you with my sister at my side. And then George murdered her, and I went from trying to cope with having a baby on my own to being the sole parent of five children. I was young and stupid and trying to do my best. I-I-I know I failed you. And I’m sorry for that, but I swear I thought it was the best thing for you at the time. I swear I did it at first because I wanted to protect you.”
I’d turned to face my mom during her speech, and I could only look at her helplessly. I knew there were so many layers to this, I’d never really thought about the fact that Janet was murdered around the same time. My mom had loved and idolized her so much. We all knew so many stories about Janet that we could recite them by heart. Janet’s murder had hurt all of us—my mom especially.
But it also hurt a little more to know that she had kept my father from me, while she’d worked so hard to keep her sister’s memory alive for the guys. My father was right there. He wasn’t dead.
I could’ve had him in my life too.
I didn’t know what to say to her.
“And maybe I was a little selfish. I didn’t want to share you with another family. Especially when I was worried about how they would treat you. Brian had told me a lot about his ex when we were together, and I didn’t want you anywhere near her. But in trying to keep you from her, I stole you from your father. Kinda like how George stole Janet from your brothers. I am sorry, Sabrina. You won’t know how much. I wish… But it doesn’t matter. I chose my path a long time ago and this is where we are. I hope in time you can accept it and me back in your life. I love you so much, baby. I’d do anything for you.”
I nodded tightly. I had to clear my throat before I could speak, and my voice was froggy when I did. “I just…need a little time. But we’ll get there.”
“That’s all I can ask. And in the meantime, please take care of yourself. Do not ever let yourself be alone with George Burns. I’ve never trusted that man, and I sure as hell don’t now.”
“Okay, Mom. I promise.”
“And when you’re ready, I’d really love to meet this Logan guy. Make sure he’s good enough for you.”
“Mo-om.” I gave her a pained look as I turned to leave.
Some things never changed.
But something she’d said rang in the back of my mind. I was only doing it to protect you. Words I’d said myself about my miscarriage and Logan. Was I doing the same thing from him? Keeping information he deserved to know in some misguided attempt to protect him?
Would he grow to hate me as much as… I couldn’t even finish the thought. No matter how mad as I was at my mom, I didn’t hate her. She’d done so much for me; I could never hate her. She was my mom. My person.
I just hoped Logan felt the same when I finally came clean with him.
Chapter Sixteen
Logan
“Did you have a chance to see your dad today?” I might as well have asked the wall for all the attention Sabrina was giving me. She sat at the side of the puppy pool, staring off into space. And completely ignoring the cute, wiggling, tiny puppies in front of her. Let alone me. “Everything okay?”
“Hmmmm?” Still she didn’t look up.
“Sabrina?”
The sharp tone in my voice snapped her out of her trance. “What? Are you okay?”
“Are you?” I shook my head. “You’ve been out of it all night. Not to sound conceited, but I’m not used to you ignoring me. What’s going on? Did you see your dad today? Is he all right?”
“I saw my dad after lunch. He’s…fine. I guess he’s going to tell his daughter tonight about me.”
“Okay. Are you freaking out about meeting her? You shouldn’t be. Everyone who meets you, loves you.”
Sabrina gave me a little smile. “Thank you. But no, it’s not that.” She heaved a huge sigh. “I saw my mom this morning. We got into this huge fight and… I don’t know.”
Tears welled in her eyes. I couldn’t let her sit for another second alone and so fucking sad. I got up to sit next to her near the puppy pool and took her into my arms. I couldn’t solve her problems for her, but I sure as hell didn’t want her to think that she was alone. “It’s such a fucked-up situation. Maybe all you need is some time? It feels shitty and kinda like an obvious thing to say, but it’s all I’ve got. How are your brothers dealing with it?”
She shrugged. “Since you’re still working on the fire system and we’re banned from the site, I haven’t really seen them. I guess they’re taking this as time off for vacation or something. They said something about calling them if I needed them, but I wouldn’t even know what to say. And I don’t know that this is necessarily affecting them the same way as it does me. He wasn’t their dad. They didn’t know him, either.” She sighed and cuddled closer to me. “It’s just a freaking mess. I don’t want to drag them into this like it’s a war and they’ve got to choose sides between me and my mom.”
“You’ve got such a gracious, soft heart. But if you need them to get through this, you should call them. It might help.”
“Maybe.”
I could tell from her tone she wouldn’t be calling her family for help. Sometimes she was so stubborn and certain in her stance. I know it was a fucked-up situation but maybe it would help for her to try and see the other side.
“I really do think that you’ll feel better with time. I know it’s hard for you to understand how mortals like us can make such huge mistakes.” I paused to wince. “Shit, that sounded less asshole-y in my head. I just mean that you’re such an honest person. I get that it’s hard for you to understand keeping secrets from the people you love.”
Her face drained of all color. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. I felt like twenty kinds of fool.
I rushed to fill the awkward silence.
“I just mean like I did with you after the fire. I thought I was doing the right thing when I refused to let the nurses tell you about my injury at first. By the time I was awake enough to make decisions, so much time had passed—I was sure you’d moved on. And I thought you deserved someone who wasn’t so fucked up in the body and the head. But apparently you like fucked up guys. And maybe with time you can like your fucked-up mom.” I winced again. “Christ, I’m making a mess of this.”
Sabrina laughed. “Yes. Yes, you are.” She leaned over and gave me a smacking kiss. “But I love you for it. I get what you’re saying. Mostly.”
“Thank you.”
“But for the record, I’m not little miss perfect. I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes.”
“Like what?” I scoffed. “Not crossing at a crosswalk?”
“Well yeah, that and worse.”
�
�I don’t believe it.”
“And I’ve kept secrets from people I love. Sometimes you have to, to protect them. Kinda like my mom did with me, maybe.” She bit her lip, shook her head and when she spoke again, her voice was so soft I almost couldn’t hear it. “Even if it hurts them later on.”
I gave a relieved sigh. It’d felt like I’d really fucked things up with my little speech, but maybe I’d helped her after all. A smug grin curved my lips. Look at me. Being all helpful and shit. Maybe I wasn’t as damaged as everyone—including me—thought.
“So are you staying over tonight?” I asked with a salacious drawl in my tone.
Sabrina gave me an impassive look like she was trying to figure something out then blinked. “I don’t know. I might have to work tomorrow.”
I tilted my head. Was she playing coy? “Since when? You can’t go to work—I’ve banned you from the building. And if your lazy brothers aren’t working, I don’t think you should be busting your hump to make up for them.”
“You just had to slip hump into the convo, didn’t you?”
“Figured it couldn’t hurt.” I gave her my most charming smile.
Sabrina rolled her eyes. “Fine. But it’s not fair you using your eyes like that.”
“Like what?” I tried to blink like a cartoon deer at her, all slow and exaggerated.
She shook her head with a laugh then stood up, holding her hand out to me. “Come on, Romeo. Lord help me if you ever use your weapons for evil.”
I let her lead me down the hallway to my bedroom. “I’ll have you know I have several evil, naughty things planned for you tonight.”
Sabrina turned to face me and wound her arms around my neck. Her lips were almost kissing mine when she spoke. “Oh, I’m counting on it.”
Hell yes.
* * *
While at work the next day, my phone rang and when I saw Travis’ name I immediately answered. He never called me; we really only texted each other, so for him to call I knew something was up. “Hey, you okay?”
His voice was rough when it came over the line. “I uh, have you heard from Vanessa lately?”
“No, not since you guys came over to look at the puppies a few days ago. Why?”
“She’s not answering my texts and when I went over to their house yesterday, I swore I saw their curtains move but no one answered the door.”
I sat on my ladder with a soft curse. “You know you sound like a stalker, right? Who the fuck even notices the curtains flutter? A stalker, that’s who.
He was crazy. And I knew, I knew he had feelings for Vanessa, but fuck if he’d ever admit to them.
And yet Travis was my only friend as he loved to point out. So I bit back my bitter words and mentally went over my conversation with Vanessa again.
“I said I was sorry about the whole dinner thing and she said she got it. It was fine. And that was it.”
Silence stretched across the line. For a second I wondered if he’d hung up, and then he cleared his throat. “She said she was fine? Have you never been in a relationship before? Do you not know what it means when a woman says she’s fine?”
“What? She said she was fine. How can that have a hidden meaning?”
“Fuck me, really, Lo? When a woman says she’s fine, it means anything but. You’ve really screwed the pooch with this whole fucking mess.”
I agreed, but I didn’t know how to go about making it any better. “I’m pretty sure that apologizing at this point is only going to make shit worse. She’s embarrassed. I think it’ll all blow over in a few days, and things’ll get back to how they were.”
Finally he came back onto the line and his voice sounded so aggrieved. “You gotta fix it, Lo. We owe it to him and her.”
“I don’t know, man. I think anything I say at this point will only make it worse. How about we give her a little more time first?”
More silence. Apparently that wasn’t what Travis had wanted to hear.
Although I hadn’t thought that Vanessa would be all awkward with Travis over this mess. She and Travis had been all but attached at the hip since he’d gotten back from burn rehab. Whereas I had gone into hibernation to avoid thinking about all that we’d lost, Travis had gone the opposite route and spent every free hour he had trying to be there for Vanessa. Like it was his personal penance.
But he wasn’t responsible for Jay’s death any more than I’d been.
I didn’t have any idea how to approach the subject of his guilt with my friend. I know he’d said he’d been talking to his—and now my—therapist, but were they even covering this? Or was he lying to his doctor just like he’d been lying to himself all these years?
I cleared my throat. “I uh, wanted to thank you again for hooking me up with that therapist. I’m actually seeing him again tomorrow.”
“Really? He must like you.” Travis still sounded pissed off. “I’ve gotta wait another two weeks before he can squeeze me into his schedule.”
I laughed. “Goes to show you what a headcase I must be. He all but begged me to come back at the end of the week.”
“I doubt that’s the reason, but I’m glad you like him. I think it’ll help. How’s Sabrina?”
“Good. She’s great. Aside from some family shit she’s got going on, but that seems to be par for the course with this crew. You remember how their tv show went last season.”
Travis had couch surfed with me when I’d watched the first season of Sabrina’s family’s reality show. We’d watched Sabrina work with her family—Travis had been surprisingly quiet about my past with her, like he knew how much it’d hurt to see her on screen, especially when her brothers teased her about the men she was dating. And then the crazy episode where Ryan had gotten beaten up by that motorcycle gang. Her family practically personified drama. Throughout the fallout with the hospital visits and trial, it’d been so hard to watch Sabrina sob in the waiting room. But I sure as shit had loved her glares and spitfire attitude during the trial.
“Hmmm,” Travis hummed. “Does that mean we’ll be seeing you on the show next season?”
“Fuck no. This job’ll be over and I’ll be long gone by the time the cameras show up here.”
“Really? I thought you and Sabrina were getting serious.”
I paused. All I’d meant was that I wouldn’t be here at the shop. If I dated Sabrina would that mean they’d want to film me too?
All those people looking at my scars. Giving me those damn pity looks.
Could I do that?
“It is. I am. I mean…” I cursed. “I haven’t thought about it. But I really fucking doubt they’ll want to film me. I’m not interesting.”
Travis snorted. “You remember what our P.T. told us during rehab? Chicks dig scars. It’s true. We’re scarred just enough to keep the women interested but not disgusted. You’d get some serious action at the bar if you stopped looking so unapproachable.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not interested in getting action at a bar.”
“So you guys are exclusive then?”
“I guess? I don’t know. It’s not like we’ve talked about it. Do we have to talk about it?”
“If you’re interested in getting action at a bar and with Sabrina, yes. If you’re only gonna be seeing Sabrina, I guess not. Just keep on keeping on.”
“No, I meant with you. Talking about all these feelings is making me uncomfortable. It’s not natural.”
“Ah, yeah. You definitely need to see Doc Davis twice a week.” Travis snorted like it was the funniest shit ever.
The fucker. I rolled my eyes. “You know, I do still have to work for a living. So if no one’s dead or bleeding, I’m gonna get going.”
“Fine.” Travis sighed. “But, uh, if you hear from Vanessa will you let me know? I’m worried about her.”
“Sure, man. Always. Talk to you later.”
“Later.”
I ended the call and stared at the picture on my screen for a moment. Me, Travis and Jay in our firefighting gear
stared back at me. It was so hard to believe that it had been only two years ago.
Some days it felt like a different life.
I guess it was the masochist in me, because apparently it wasn’t enough to look at my scars on my body every day. I also had to make myself look at Jay’s face every time I picked up my phone.
But maybe like Dr. Davis had said, there wasn’t anything wrong with moving on.
I wished I had a picture of Sabrina on my phone.
Chapter Seventeen
Sabrina
My brain had felt itchy ever since Logan made that comment about me being such an honest person and how I’d never keep a secret from someone I loved.
Or maybe it was my conscience that was itchy.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Should I have told him about the pregnancy? I couldn’t even bear to think of it as losing a baby. That somehow made my loss so much heavier. Actually I didn’t like to think about any of it at all. But still. Should I have told Logan? Was that my moment? Did I miss it?
No. I was doing the right thing. Just because he wasn’t being the grumpy asshole I’d met a few weeks ago didn’t mean that he was ready to hear the news now. His newfound humanity was just that—new. Did I have any right to shove my angst in his face and derail all the progress he’d made? It was all in the past. It wasn’t like he could fix it or help me.
And maybe by telling him I’d be giving him a reason to run.
“Sabrina?”
I blinked at Maddie’s voice. “I’m sorry, what?”
Maddie exchanged a look with Hope. “I was asking what book did you want to read next? I know it’s my turn, but I wanted to make sure you guys were okay with my pick.”
And that was Maddie, the people pleaser. I swear she ‘d lie down over a puddle if it meant that someone she loved wouldn’t get their feet wet. Besides wasn’t that the point of romance book club—to read books we were excited about? “I’m fine with your pick.”
Spark: A Bad Boy's Second Chance Romance (Burns Brothers Book 3) Page 14
