The wrench fell out of my hand and clanked to the floor.
Was.
As in past tense. As in not anymore.
Oh god.
Fuck.
Ryan and Nathan continued to argue in front of me, but it all sounded like it was happening so far away. I was still trying to wrap my mind around was.
She’d been going through that while I was in the hospital?
Oh god.
Fuck.
“What did you do?”
The familiar sound of Sabrina’s voice broke me out of my trance. I blinked, and suddenly she was in front of me, kneeling next to me. We were on the floor? When did I get here?
“Are you okay, Logan? Can you hear me?” Tears welled in Sabrina’s gorgeous sky-blue eyes. “Oh god. Your jaw is red. Did he hit you?”
“Of course I hit him.” Nathan snorted. “The fucker left you high and dry when you were pregnant. When the fuck were you going to tell us about that, by the way?”
“How about never?” Sabrina turned around and breathed fire in his direction. “It was none of your damn business then just like it isn’t any of your business now.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” The words fell out of my numb lips.
Sabrina turned back to me with a sob. “I’m so sorry, Logan. I didn’t…this isn’t how I wanted you to find out. We just got back together, and you were finally getting help for everything you’d gone through. I didn’t want to pile on with something that’d happened two years ago.”
“That was why you called the hospital every day for weeks? I…” I trailed off for a second as tears glazed my vision. “I don’t really remember a lot, but I do remember that a nurse asked me about you—if they could give you an update over the phone, and I refused. I didn’t want you to see me—hear about me—like that. I wanted you to move on and forget about me. And the whole time you were pregnant? Oh god. I don’t—I can’t… I gotta go.”
“Logan. Wait!” Sabrina tried to grab my arm, but I twisted away from her.
“I can’t right now.” Bile tickled the back of my throat. If I stayed another second it would be all over the floor in front of her family. Turning, I left my girl, her family, my tools, and the job behind me without a thought.
Because the only thing running through my head was Sabrina had been pregnant.
Pregnant.
I’d failed her and my child too.
* * *
Sabrina
I watched Logan walk out the open door through a sheen of tears. I’d dropped by a little early for our celebration and walked into a shitstorm instead.
He’d left me. I ached to talk to him, tell him what had happened, but he’d walked away.
So I did the only thing I could. I turned around and lashed out at the ones who were responsible for this whole mess.
“How could you? I told you about that in confidence. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Ryan shook his head. “I didn’t—I wasn’t the one to tell Logan. I was talking to Nathan—”
“About me? About something I didn’t want to talk to anyone else about? How the fuck does that make it better?”
Ryan hung his head. “It doesn’t. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head, feeling oddly deflated. I wanted a fight. I wanted to scream and punch and blame someone. And then I remembered. Nathan. He was the one who’d blew this whole thing up. “And you.” My voice was more of a hiss. “How could you do that? Why the fuck is any of this your business?”
“You’re my sister. Of course it’s my business.” Nathan thumped his chest with his fist. “I love you, Sabby. Why the hell didn’t you tell me about it when it happened? Why did I have to find out that you had a fucking miscarriage from Ryan?”
“Really? Really? Are you fucking kidding me? This is why.” I waved my hands at Logan’s forgotten tool box. “You four think you know best. You plot and scheme behind my back and then come crashing into my life and fuck everything up.”
Nathan shook his head like I’d said the stupidest thing ever. “We gotta do it behind your back because you never let us in!”
“I don’t let you in because you fuck everything up. I’m a grown ass woman. You have to back off. It wasn’t any of your business. I lost a baby.” My voice broke on the last word. I still couldn’t think about it without getting a stab of pain in my heart. “I can’t, I won’t live my life like this. I quit.”
Nathan’s eyes bulged. “You can’t just quit! What about—”
“I don’t fucking care!” I yelled. “How about that? You guys can find another Girl Friday to follow you around and fix your fucking messes because I’m through.”
I bent down and stuffed whatever tools were lying around Logan’s tool box and latched it closed. Hefting the toolbox with both hands, I grunted over the unexpected weight. I had to get to Logan. I couldn’t even let myself think about what was going through his mind. What he was thinking about me? About himself? I had to see him.
“Sabrina, wait!” Ryan reached a hand out to me as I tried to hurry past. “I didn’t mean—”
“Of course you didn’t. You never do. You’re stubborn and pigheaded, thinking you’re right all the goddamn time. All four of you are.” I turned to Nathan and tilted my head. “Did this go the way you thought it would? Are you fucking happy you got your way, Nathan?”
He shook his head, and a muscle flexed in his cheek like he was biting back words.
I was too heated to give a shit.
Because I could still see the tears in Logan’s eyes that he wouldn’t let fall as he walked away from me.
I ignored Nathan’s shouts and Ryan’s placating tone behind me as I shouldered through the door to the workshop. I had to get to Logan.
It was practically my mantra as I drove like a bat out of hell to Logan’s place. I swerved to the right shoulder to pass a slow Lincoln Navigator. I had to get to Logan. My front tire bounced off a curb when I took a corner too tight. I had to get to Logan.
But when I came to a screeching stop in front of Logan’s house, his car wasn’t there.
I hadn’t expected that. The man was a hermit. He was pretty much here or at work or with me. Where could he have gone? I shoved my car into park and idled at the curb as my mind raced. I didn’t have Travis’ number, so I couldn’t even call his best friend for help. I wracked my brain for another clue as to where he would’ve gone, but I couldn’t think of a single one.
My phone pinged inside my purse with the tone I’d set for voicemail.
I scrambled to pull it out. Somehow I’d missed a call. But when I pulled my phone out, it wasn’t Logan’s name under the missed call banner.
It was Dad.
I pulled up my voicemail and hit play. His voice came over my speakers via the Bluetooth.
“Hey honey. I’m sorry I missed you. I know you’re probably hard at work. I uh, just wanted to call and let you know I had to head back home today. Jacqueline didn’t take the news about having a new sister very well. But don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll come around. I just need to spend some time with her. You know how it is.” He paused and cleared his throat. “But um, I’ll be back. Or maybe you can come over and see us? It might make it easier for Jacqueline if she sees you in person. I know I’d love to show you off to everyone over here. Let me know. Love you.”
That was it.
In the span of one afternoon I’d lost my boyfriend, my job, and my father deserted me. Add in a dog and I had the making of a cliched country song.
Tears welled in my eyes. I didn’t know how to find Logan, and I was pretty sure he didn’t want to see me anyhow.
I just wanted to curl up into a ball and have my mom rub my back and tell me that everything was going to be okay.
But I wasn’t talking to her either.
Fuck.
I did the only thing I could do. I wrapped my arms around my steering wheel and sobbed.
Chapter Nineteen
Logan
“Lo
gan! What are you doing here?” Vanessa sounded surprised. Of course she must’ve been. It wasn’t everyday she came home from work to find me sitting on her front step.
I looked up from my knees, and she gasped. I knew I looked like shit. My jaw ached where that bastard had sucker punched me—twice—and I’d been sobbing like a baby for the past…however long. I’d kinda lost track of time. I’d ran out of the shop, and the next think I knew my car was idling on the side of the road in front of Vanessa’s house. I didn’t even remember driving here.
But I got out and waited on the front step because I had to see her.
“Mama, Logan sad.” Jaeda’s small voice snapped me back to the present. She huddled on the driveway next to her mom, staring at me with such a sympathetic expression it about tore me open again.
Would our baby have been a girl? She would’ve been almost the same age as Jaeda. The thought would’ve taken me to my knees if I’d been standing.
I’d waited on Vanessa’s front step because I ached to see my coulda-beens. But it didn’t help. If anything, it just made the pain worse.
It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. Why did life keep kicking me in the teeth?
“I know he’s sad, honey.” Vanessa smiled softly at me. She ran a hand over her daughter’s hair to her shoulder then nudged her toward me. “How about you give him a hug? I bet that’ll make Logan feel better.”
Jaeda ran across the grass with a delight only a toddler was capable of and tottered up the steps to me. She managed to punch me in the face—third time today for me—before her little arms wrapped around my neck. Jaeda grunted as she squeezed me with everything she had. I had to smile. It was like being loved on by the smallest, cutest boa constrictor ever.
“All better, Logan?” She blinked up at me with Jay’s eyes and my heart lurched.
“The best.” I faked a smile that apparently didn’t fool even a one-and-a-half-year-old judging by her frown.
Jaeda tilted her head. “Mama kiss it better?”
“Whoa-kay.” Vanessa laughed as she walked up the steps to her front door. “Mama’s kisses are only for Jaeda. But I think maybe Logan needs some coffee or a nap or maybe some ice for that jaw.”
“I… Sure.” It’s not like I had anywhere else to go. Although, shit, I forgot about the puppies. Maybe Travis could swing by and check on them for me. I should text him.
Of course all that fell out of my head by the time I was sitting at Vanessa’s kitchen table with a steaming cup of coffee in front of me while Jaeda sang along to a cartoon theme song in the other room.
“So what’s going on?” Vanessa asked from the other side of the table.
I gave an uneven laugh. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“How about with how you got that wicked bruise on the side of your face. Do you want an ice pack for that? It looks painful.”
“I… Sure.” I knew I needed to say more, but I was having a hard time processing anything at the moment. I didn’t want to think about the thing that had sent me spiraling. Like that would somehow make it more real.
“Thanks.” I took the ice pack from Vanessa and gingerly held up to my jaw. From the answering throb, I knew I’d have a hell of a bruise tomorrow. “Have you talked to Travis lately? I think he’s worried about you.”
“Really? We’re just going to ignore the huge ass elephant in the room?” She sucked in a quick breath and darted a glance to the living room where Jaeda was lost in the antics of her cartoon dogs. Vanessa turned back to me and groaned. “Fine. We’ll do me first. No, I haven’t talked to Travis lately. Your turn. What’s going on?”
“Why are you ducking him? He called me the other day freaking out. He was worried I said something to piss you off. I didn’t, did I?”
Vanessa raised an eyebrow. “Was it your mouth that got you into trouble with whatever door you ran into?”
“Answer my question and I’ll answer yours.”
“Ugh.” Vanessa huffed. “It wasn’t what you said. You don’t have anything to apologize for. It’s just I felt so awkward because he knew I threw myself at you. I was embarrassed.”
“You have no reason to be. You’re an amazing woman, Vanessa. But for me you’ll always be Jay’s woman. I just can’t think about you that way.”
“I know.” Vanessa sighed. “And if I’m totally honest, I don’t think I was ever into you.”
“Ouch.” I feigned hurt, clutching my chest.
“Don’t even. I just…something about you reminded me so much of Jay. Being around you made it feel like he was still with me. And I know that’s not healthy or what I’m supposed to be looking for. I’m sorry.”
I nodded as I took a second and absorbed what she’d said. “What about Travis?”
“Huh? What about him?”
“You spend a lot of time with Travis. Don’t you get the same Jay vibes from him?”
“Travis?” Vanessa looked confused, like she’d never thought about the possibility. “Travis is…my best friend. I don’t—I haven’t…” She trailed off, lost in thought.
I wanted to say something to her about how maybe she should start thinking about him like that, but it wasn’t my place.
“So that’s what you’ve been doing? Hiding from us? Travis is going crazy worrying about you.”
“I know.” Vanessa sighed. “I probably have more voicemails from him last week than I’ve gotten all my life.”
I rolled my eyes. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I really thought Travis had better game than that. “I’ve uh, been seeing Sabrina. You remember her from before?”
Vanessa nodded.
“It’s been going good. We’re happy. Mostly. Only today I found out that apparently while Travis and I were laid up in that burn ward, Sabrina had a miscarriage. Every time the nurses asked if I wanted to talk to her, I refused. I thought I was doing the best thing for her, and meanwhile, she was alone and losing our baby. I just—I don’t, I can’t…” Tears blurred my vision and I ducked my head, wiping my eyes on my shoulder.
“Oh my god, Logan. I’m so sorry.” Vanessa reached across the table and held my hand. “I remember her. She was so nice and sweet. I kinda lost touch with her after the fire with Jay’s death and my pregnancy. It was all so crazy. I just, I’m so sorry. And you’re only finding this out now? You didn’t know?”
“Nope. She wasn’t even the one to tell me. I had to hear about it after her two-ton brother sucker punched me twice and then told me. I’d never even met the guy before.”
“Wait. Why’d her brother punch you? I don’t understand what’s going on.”
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter. It’s just… I’m so pissed. I wasn’t there. I didn’t even know she was pregnant with my baby, and I wasn’t there for her when she lost it. I don’t… I can’t stop thinking about it. I let Jay down, you down, and Sabrina too. I just… it’s too much.”
“You didn’t let Jay down. You did your job, and so did he. You were not responsible for Jay that day. You weren’t making the calls. Have you really been holding all that in? Because it’s a bunch of crap. You have to stop punishing yourself for shit that wasn’t yours to control.”
I shook my head. I was the one who pushed Jay to sign up with us. Even after we found out about Vanessa’s pregnancy, I pushed to make him stay. And then I didn’t bring him home. “I don’t think—”
She didn’t let me finish. “Well I know. Jay’s death is not on you. And as for Sabrina.” She sighed. “It’s a shitty situation. You pushing her away then. Her not telling you now. But I get it. Both sides. You’re both doing the same thing if you think about it. Trying to protect each other. But at some point, you have to let go and let each other make decisions for yourselves. You can’t change the past—no matter how much you want to. All you can do is pick yourself up and move forward.”
I must’ve zoned out because I blinked and Jaeda was dancing around the table while Vanessa stirred a pot on the stove. Jaeda chattered away about some
thing from her show—I don’t think most of what she said were actual words, but Vanessa smiled and nodded along like she was following the conversation. The whole scene made me feel like I’d swallowed a bowling ball. All I could think was that this could’ve been mine. I could’ve had a scene just like this at my place.
But I didn’t.
I’d let Sabrina down, and I didn’t know how to process that to even get to a place where I could think about what to do next. I’d fucked so much up. She’d gone through so much pain, and I wasn’t there for her. I’d refused to even talk to her and meanwhile she was losing our baby.
I felt numb as I accepted Vanessa’s offer and stayed for dinner. I tried to act normal for Jaeda—smile and follow the conversation—but I don’t remember what I said or did. After dinner while Vanessa put Jaeda to bed, I washed the dishes and tidied up. Something I know that Travis would’ve been dying to do if he was here. I wish…There was too much to even finish the sentence.
I was at the front door, ready to leave, when Vanessa came down the hall, alone.
“You leaving?” She asked with a frown.
“Yeah, I just…need some time to think things through I guess.”
“You’re okay to drive? I’m worried about you.”
Shit. “Vanessa, I don’t—”
“No.” She waved a hand. “I don’t mean it that way. I’m just worried about you the same way I would for any of my friends.” Tilting her head as she held the door open for me, she said, “Don’t be a stranger, okay?”
“Okay. You either. G’night, Vanessa.”
“Night.”
I tried to be vigilant as I drove home—my space cadet routine on the way here seriously freaked me out. But still my mind wandered. Vanessa had been through so much with Jay’s death and her pregnancy. I didn’t know how she had managed to pick herself up, but she did. Even though it’d been two years ago, I knew I still hadn’t really dealt with everything that had happened with the fire. My guilt. My injuries might have healed, but I knew my heart certainly hadn’t.
Spark: A Bad Boy's Second Chance Romance (Burns Brothers Book 3) Page 16
