“I killed Shee.
“If I hadn’t deliberately fallen down, she never would have come back and gotten hit by that car. So it’s the same as if I’d killed her.
“But when Shee bled to death in front of me, it didn’t awaken a single sad thought inside me.
“And I didn’t cry at her funeral.
“It was more like I was in a daze.
“My family and friends and Shee’s parents all thought it was natural since I’d watched my friend die right in front of me, and they said that I must have been in shock and sad, that I’d shut down, that they felt sorry for me, that they needed to take care of me.
“But they were wrong!
“I wasn’t sad!
“No matter how I searched my heart, no matter how hard I tried to cry by thinking about her, I couldn’t find even a shred of sadness. Shee was dead, but I didn’t care.
“That’s… that’s not natural! A person died! She was my best friend! It’s not normal to feel nothing when that happens!”
Takeda’s voice was growing erratic, and even more despair crept into her glistening eyes.
I couldn’t deny that what she said was true.
In my mind, there was no question that it was abnormal, so I couldn’t tell her otherwise.
I understood the fear of being different. But in the end, I was a spoiled child whose parents had always protected him. I had never experienced enough despair to understand Takeda’s suffering.
“I’m not going to die because I feel guilty about Shee’s death. Being unable to feel grief when she died made me ashamed, miserable, and afraid. That’s why I’m going to die.
“It’s just like Dazai said—even if I live, I will only compound my crimes with lesser sins, and my pain will only deepen and intensify! ‘I want to die; if I don’t, my life will be a seed for evil!’ I can’t go on living when I feel this way! Really, Konoha, do I have to keep on living like this? Are you going to tell me to live? That dying would be a mistake? Is it wrong for me to be at peace?”
My grip loosened on Takeda’s arm.
In order to save Shuji from his suffering, Rihoko had granted him his wish.
But…
I…
I tightened my hand around her arm.
Takeda’s eyes widened.
“I don’t understand—I don’t. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m saying awful things to you. But you really can’t die. I can’t explain why very well right now, but I’ll help you find a reason to live! So please, just hold off on dying for a little bit! Try to live again! I’ll help you think of something. We’ll puzzle it out together! I can at least do that much!”
A tear slid from Takeda’s eye. “Even that… it’s not…”
“Please, Takeda. Come back here.”
“No—I’m…”
Takeda shook off my grip. She lost her balance and wheeled forward, her feet slipping over the roof’s edge.
“Takeda!”
Her duck notebook fell to the rooftop behind me and the wind swept through its pages.
I lay down on my stomach and grabbed one of Takeda’s hands.
Both her legs and the hand holding the duck cup swayed like a kite caught in power lines.
“Let go… just let me die,” Takeda begged, her voice rough.
“I won’t!”
It felt like my arm was being torn off. I should have built up some muscles instead of spending all my time inside.
“Please, Konoha!”
“I won’t!”
I wasn’t going to let go—how could I? When Miu had dropped away right in front of me, I had just stood there, unable to do a thing.
I might not have been able to understand how she felt, or thought of the right thing to say, but I still could have run over and hugged her in my arms.
I could have reached out a hand and caught her.
So there was no way I was letting go this time!
“You can’t die. There are lots of things that make people feel ashamed to be alive! Like two years ago, I was a girl and people said I was a mysterious young beauty and I was totally mortified. I stopped going to school and never left my house and I thought the future looked gloomy, but I’m still alive!”
Takeda’s eyes widened, seemingly shocked at my sudden outburst. “You were… a girl?”
Just then, Takeda’s hand slipped in my sweaty palm.
“Eek!”
Her hand was sliding out of my grip.
Two hands stretched out beside me and grabbed hold of hers.
“He’s right. Everyone has something they’re ashamed of that they try to keep hidden from people. Like how I was in the library reading The Great Gatsby just now and I accidentally started nibbling on it.”
Tohko’s flat chest was pressed against the concrete roof, her face scrunched in pain. Both of her arms stretched out to Takeda through the fence, holding her arm tightly.
I quickly steadied my grip on Takeda’s hand with both of my own.
“Tohko? What are you doing here?”
“You want to know? When I went to the library, one of the girls there told me you’d bolted out in a big hurry… so I was looking for you.”
Holding on to Takeda must have been pretty tough on Tohko, since she was even more indoorsy than me.
Bewildered, Takeda murmured, “You… nibbled on Gatsby? What does that… mean?”
Sweat pouring off her pale white forehead, Tohko replied, “Urf… it means there are a lot of things in this world you don’t understand. Discovering those things is one of life’s joys.”
Suddenly there was a commotion below us.
Apparently someone had noticed us and was starting to panic.
Startled, Takeda looked down. Apparently realizing that she would lose her chance to die if she delayed much longer, Takeda started to shake her hand free. Tohko saw what she was doing and shouted, “Have you ever read anything by Osamu Dazai besides No Longer Human?”
“Huh?”
Tohko had caught Takeda off guard, and she stopped moving.
Pulling on Takeda’s hand, Tohko began to talk with incredible urgency.
“There are people who only read No Longer Human and believe that Dazai’s work is all dark, twisted, and depressing, but they don’t really know what they’re talking about. You can’t judge all of Dazai’s work based on No Longer Human. Did you ever read Run, Melos!? Melos goes to the market to buy something for his little sister’s wedding, but he hears rumors about a corrupt king, and is overcome by his sense of justice. He goes straight through the castle’s front door to kill the king and they capture him easily. Didn’t you ever smile at hotheaded Melos? Didn’t his powerful friendship with Selinuntius make your heart flutter? I mean, Melos runs back for him without any clothes on!”
Oh, what is Tohko talking about?
I wanted to hold my head in my hands.
But Tohko kept on talking, her face intent despite the sweat covering it.
“Just imagine it! No matter how the times change, it’s always going to be embarrassing to tear through the middle of town buck naked. But Melos ran through town naked and reached his friend. And they redeemed the cruel, heartless, cold-blooded king Dionys!
“In the last scene, Selinuntius says, ‘Why, Melos, you’re completely naked!’ If I remember correctly, that line wasn’t in my elementary school textbook, so you have to read the original! It’s worth reading, if only for that line!
“And Melos isn’t the only one. Dazai wrote lots of other wonderful stories full of love and trust in humanity! Green-Bud and the Magic Flute is a must! Your heart will ache with compassion for the girl who cares for her little sister when you find out she has an incurable disease. The last scene has a touch of gentleness to it in addition to the sorrow. There’s light and hope. There’s also the little sister in Story of a Snowy Night who wants to show her older brother’s wife the beautiful snow-covered scenery, or the wife who feels a girlish devotion to her husband in Heart and Skin. They’re al
l kind and innocent and lovable. The five brothers and sisters in Roman Candle make a collaborative novel together. Their family is as close as people on TV. And the girl in High School Girl is so adorable you want to hug her to bits.
“He wrote Shame based on letters that a female reader sent him, and Goodbye, which became his suicide note, but also The Well-Dressed Prince about a man who’s obsessed with good clothing; that story has twisted images of people that are so rich with humor you can’t help but laugh at them. You can see Dazai’s rank humanity as he picks a fight with another author in the essay ‘This Is How I Heard It.’ If you prefer to be moved, you should read The Pet Dog’s Tale or Paper Money! Those two are packed with Dazai’s kindness and trust in humanity! They’re both masterpieces that will break your heart. It would be a total waste if you died without reading any of those!”
What kind of persuasion was that?
Would an argument like that convince anyone not to commit suicide?
But Tohko was serious.
She was completely serious, desperate, giving it all she was worth, staking her life on it.
Though she gaped up at Tohko in shock, tears gradually filled Takeda’s eyes until finally they spilled down her cheeks.
It had been so strange and ridiculous and overwhelming that she must not have known how to react.
Her face crumpled into an expression somewhere between laughing and sobbing.
Covered in sweat, her eyes bloodshot, Tohko continued talking desperately.
“Written under strict postwar censorship, his humorous collection of fairy tales is also a must-read. I was amazed at how he rewrote even the simplest stories.
“So, see? Dazai did more than just No Longer Human!
“Sure, maybe he died after writing it, and he wrote a couple other hopelessly depressing stories, and maybe he thought No Longer Human was the answer.
“But that’s not everything that Dazai was.
“There are lots of kind, bashful people in Dazai’s works. There are also lots of weak, ordinary people who become strong.
“Setting Sun, which he wrote about a bankrupted family based on the diaries of his lover Shizuko Oda, was the most celebrated book of its time. Even when the heroine’s family dies and she loses her love, she gives birth to her child alone and tries to go on living with bravery. The last scene is nothing like a ‘setting sun’: it actually gives you the image of the sun climbing into the sky, shining proudly in the midst of a quiet morning setting! Even the sun that sinks below the horizon will rise again in a new day!
“You absolutely cannot die without reading the beautiful scenes he creates in Golden Landscape; the story is just as beautiful. You have to live at least long enough to read Dazai’s complete works cover to cover a hundred times and write a thousand-page report on them!”
The tears pooling in Takeda’s eyes fell onto the hand that clutched her duck mug.
Slowly, she unclasped her fingers.
The cup plummeted to the ground and smashed apart.
With her newly freed hand, Takeda took hold of Tohko’s—and my—hands.
Epilogue–A New Story
He told me I couldn’t die.
That he wanted me to hold off on dying, because he would help me find a reason to live and suffer with me.
She told me I couldn’t die.
That it would be a waste if all I’d read was No Longer Human.
That Dazai had written many other wonderful stories, and I had to live long enough to read them all.
They both appealed to me, holding on to my hand and arm.
I cried.
But I smiled while the tears fell.
Not understanding what I found so sad, so funny, so pitiful, so joyous, my tears simply streamed down my face. I couldn’t stop them. My face must have been as slimy as a newborn baby’s, or a monkey at the zoo.
My wet hand loosened and the mug Shee had given me slipped from my fingers and fell away.
I’d kept it where I would always see it so that I wouldn’t forget the wrong I’d done to Shee.
But when I felt it leave my fingers and shatter on the ground, I was relieved.
My heart grew lighter, and I felt like I’d been freed.
Maybe that’s because I’m heartless.
I am a monster incapable of understanding human emotions, after all, and maybe I shouldn’t have lived.
Maybe I was supposed to end my life that day on the roof.
But I reached my hand out and took hold of theirs.
Their faces bright red, the two of them pulled me up in a chorus of grunting.
Partway up, teachers and firemen burst onto the roof and they helped put me back on the right side of the railing.
Later on the teachers and my parents all wanted to know why I’d done something like that. What in the world had happened? Was someone bullying me?
No, I climbed over the railing as a joke and my foot slipped.
It was really scary. I thought I was going to die.
I told them things like that while weeping piteously, and they scolded me for causing so much trouble.
Rumors flashed through the school, and I became famous.
There were people who gossiped about me behind my back, people who berated me to my face, and people who gave me sympathetic looks.
There were also some people who were kind to me.
And people who treated me exactly as they always had.
And concerned people who asked me, “Are you sure it wasn’t a suicide attempt? Is anything bothering you?”
Each person responded differently.
There were kind people and mean people. And people who didn’t care.
That’s what school and society are like.
And I pretended to be a silly, innocent girl, laughing, “Heh-heh, I couldn’t even do that right. How embarrassing.”
Apparently it’s not so easy for people to change.
I’ll probably go on wearing my clown mask, deceiving the world.
But now I won’t be ashamed of it like before.
I broke up with Hiro.
I told him that he must hate the way everyone looked at him when he was with me, and though he said he didn’t, he looked away when he said it.
I think we need some space.
I sounded more cunning than usual when I said that, and he looked surprised, as if he were seeing me for the first time. He gave a quiet answer. “All right.”
I know that Hanamura, the basketball team manager, has had her eye on Hiro.
Before, Hanamura would say mean things to me. So I’m sure she’ll make him feel better.
And so the work of writing down everything that’s happened isn’t painful like it used to be.
Before, I was shining a light on the ugly, despicable truth about myself, and I turned my eyes away from the paper several times.
The stark black letters seemed like an evil curse, and they frightened me badly.
But now as I write, the filthy pus that had built up in my heart is being purged, and I feel purified. Writing calms me, and I feel as if I can glimpse a far distant future for myself.
I know that I will regret not dying that day.
But I will also be grateful to the two upperclassmen from the book club that I didn’t die.
Of that I am sure.
Also, if I come across anyone who sees through my act, I intend to stand tall, laugh, and tell them, “You’re absolutely right. What tipped you off?”
If I ever meet someone like Shee, I don’t think I’ll lie to them.
A week had passed since we’d pulled Takeda back up onto the roof. A steady June rain soaked into the trees.
Takeda had brought her finished report to us after school.
“Here you go. I’m sorry you had to wait so long.”
Tohko had gone to the library, so I accepted the report in her stead.
“Whoa, this is really thick! You’re a powerhouse.”
“Heh-heh-heh. I ended up writi
ng a lot. Hey, Konoha… you know how before, in the storage room, you said that writing doesn’t change anything?” Takeda looked up at me, her eyes clear and bright. “I used to think so, too. But after I wrote this report, I realized that people actually could be saved by writing. I know it can happen.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
The stories Miu wrote always warmed me and made me feel purified. Miu had seemed happy, too, as she told her stories and wrote them down on loose sheets of paper that she kept in a binder.
I didn’t believe that all of it could have been a lie.
So maybe it was possible to be healed or redeemed by writing, like Takeda said.
“That reminds me. Did you used to be a girl, Konoha?”
“What?! I-I never—”
“Up on the roof you shouted down to me that people used to call you a mysterious young beauty. Did you have some gender identity disorder, or were you a hermaphrodite or something? Or is it that you’re gay?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! I mean, I—that is, well—”
“And Tohko said she ate a library book. What was that about, I wonder?”
“Uhhhhh, th-th-that was… I mean, we were grasping at straws! Just forget about it!”
Seeing me so flustered that my face glowed red, a knowing look came over Takeda’s face and she smiled.
Maybe she was showing me her true self.
“All right. Everyone has things they’d rather keep hidden. I’ll just lock that away in my heart.”
“Thanks.”
I was relieved. I didn’t mind so much about my secret, but it would be a circus if anyone found out about Tohko. TV cameras and paranormal researchers would flock to her.
“Konoha, do you mind if I keep the love letters you wrote?”
“Huh? You still have them?”
Takeda gave me her old beaming smile. “Yeah. I put them in a pretty cookie box, where they’ll be safe.”
Whoa, that’s a little embarrassing. But I owed her (I guess?) for promising to keep our secrets, so it wasn’t such a big deal.
“As long as you promise not to show them to anybody.”
“Heh-heh. They’ll be my treasures.”
Takeda asked me to say hello to Tohko for her, and said that she would come visit us again, then she left.
Book Girl and the Suicidal Mime Page 14
