by Mia Ford
She’s right, I know she is, but being in the soul destroying relationship with Pete where he sucked all the fun out of me, has affected me deeply and I need to get over it. I’m over him, but not the after effects.
“He’s coming.” I can see him taking purposeful strides toward me. “Oh my God, what do I do?”
“Just be cute… be you.” Katherine seems to think this through. “But not too much you, you know?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What the hell is wrong with me?”
But I don’t need her to answer that, I already know. The whole ‘first impressions’ thing. I don’t know what it is but as soon as I’m around a new person I turn into a freak. I don’t know how to act like a person anymore. This is why it took me so long to leave Pete, even though he made me miserable. This is why I didn’t want to leave my shelf stacking job even though I hated it, this is why I never make new friends. I’m set in my ways because I have to be. I can’t invite new people in because I’m too much of a mess to meet new people.
He opens his mouth as if he’s about to say something. I lean forward, resting on my elbows as I hungrily drink his words in. I might not like new people, but for this guy I’ll try and make an exception as long as I don’t fuck it up. But then the train guy makes an announcement just as the vehicle comes to a rapid stop.
“Argh, shit!” I cry while leaping upright as an ice cold sensation splashes across me. “What the hell?”
With disappointment, I stare slowly down at my blouse, a gutting feeling flooding me as I see the mess I’ve become. From the smell of it, cold coffee has been spilled across me right before my first ever interview for an actual adult job. I don’t know if I much want the office job, but I have to do something. My savings won’t last forever and I need some sort of half decent job to pay my way. I’m not going to get it like this.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” The hot guy bumbles towards me with his hands outstretched as if he’s going to cup my breasts or something. “I didn’t mean… the train just stopped… it was an accident!”
“An accident?” I scream back. “You’ve ruined me.” An undeserved anger bursts from me but I can’t seem to help it. “I’m on my way to a job interview and now look. Those fucking assholes aren’t going to want me to work for them now, are they? Look at the state of me. I’m as messy on the outside as I am inside.”
Now everyone’s probably looking at me but I can’t help it. All the frustrations I’ve tried to push down ever since I left my certain life with Pete into the unknown abyss coming flooding to the surface.
“I’ve now got no boyfriend, I’m about to lose my freaking job before I even get it, which means I won’t have my apartment too. Do you know what that’s like?” I run my eyes up and down him making snap judgements based on his appearance. “No, probably not. I bet you have a comfortable life with a cushy job. I’m sure you can afford the nice food from the supermarket and the wine that isn’t from the bargain bin.”
“I…” He starts to defend himself, but I just don’t want to hear it. Rage burns brightly, forcing me to snap at him like a crocodile showing off my fangs, trying to let the prey know that I’m coming for him.
“No, you have no fucking clue about my life.” To my annoyance, tears fill my eyes. “I’m so mad at you right now. I don’t even know you and you’ve ruined me. To think I just thought you were cute.”
“Okay, Tamara.” Katherine rests her hands on my shoulders. “This is our stop now, we need to get off.”
I don’t want to go, I don’t feel like I’m finished with this man yet. I want to lay into him more, to really tear him a new one, but I suppose that can only head one way and I don’t want to add jail onto the list of bullshit things that have happened to me recently. I have to be the bigger person and walk away even if it kills me.
Katherine keeps tugging at my arm until I fall off the train. Once I’m standing on the platform she gives me a side eyes look. “Well, talking about first impressions that has to be one of your finest!”
“That idiot spilled coffee on me and he didn’t even feel bad about it.”
“He looks like he felt bad to me.”
I sneer at her. “Oh, give it a rest. Don’t stick up for him, you’re supposed to be my friend.”
“I am your friend.” She shakes her head, giving up. “Come on, let’s go and switch tops. You can borrow mine. It might not be as smart as yours but at least it isn’t covered in coffee. Then, we need to get you through this interview. Nailing this and getting the job is he first day of the rest of your life.”
Urgh, the last thing I want to do right now is deal with an interview, not when I’m all hot, bothered, and incredibly stressed, but I suppose she’s right. This is all supposed to be about outing the past behind me and proving to myself and everyone around me that I can survive on my own.
I can and I will.
“Yeah, okay, you’re right. I need to forget about that asshole and focus on this. Let’s practice some of the typical interview questions again, I want to check the answers are still there in my mind.”
I close my eyes, trying to force his hazelnut eyes away. I don’t ever want to think of that man again, especially not if today goes wrong. Then he’ll be the man who ruined my life. Talk about an unhealthy thing to cling onto.
3
Logan
“How’s it going, Logan?” Sally from accounts says brightly to me. “Nice weather, isn’t it?”
“Hmmm,” I barely acknowledge her as I respond. My mind is somewhere else entirely, thinking of the raven haired beauty who I met on the train, the one I ruined every possible chance with because of the damn train stopping rapidly. Urgh, I can’t believe it, what a stupid mess. It actually hurts my chest. “Yeah, sun is nice.”
“I’ve now got no boyfriend, I’m about to lose my freaking job before I even get it,” Her words echo around and around in my brain, shattering through my thoughts. “Which means I won’t have my apartment too.”
“Yeah, I think me and Andrew might have a barbeque later on. Might as well enjoy the heart while it’s here.”
Sally’s voice drones around me, buzzing like a fly, darting and banging against my skull. I can hear her but it isn’t enough for me to pay any attention to her words. She’s nowhere near as captivating as her.
“I bet you have a comfortable life with a cushy job.”
I glance around at the office, my personal prison, and sigh loudly. That woman made a snap decision about me and she really has no clue. Never judge a book by it’s cover… but she’s judged me. I suppose it might have been anger, she snapped because I ruined her top just before she has a job interview but still…
“I’m sure you can afford the nice food from the supermarket and the wine that isn’t from the bargain bin.”
“Logan?” All of a sudden, I’m dragged from my thoughts by Sally once more. “How about you?”
“Oh, right, I don’t know.” I feel a heat burning in my cheeks. “I haven’t exactly got any plans.”
“You can always come along for a barbeque with us. You’re always welcome, you know that…”
I could go and socialize with people from work, I know they have a clan where they go for drinks and stuff every so often, but that isn’t going to be me. I spend enough time with these people. I don’t want work to become my life. I’m only here for a means to an end. I’m only here for that coveted world wide ticket.
“Oh, right thank you.” I grab a mug of mud like coffee. “Thank you, I’ll see. I better get to my desk.”
I turn on my heels and stalk towards my desk with my head hung low so I don’t get caught in any other conversation. I’m usually antisocial but today that’s even worse, I just want to focus on what happened on the train. There are so many things I should have said, so many things I could have done to make it better, and I didn’t. I froze and let her yell at me, safe in the knowledge that I had well and truly ruined her day.
I should ha
ve given her the money to buy a new top, I should have offered her help, I should have got off the train with her to do something. I barely even apologized. I just stood there like an idiot. Probably making her hate me even more. I’m sure she’ll only remember me as someone who wrecked her chances at a job.
I sit in my desk chair and lean on my arm, wondering how that would have gone had I asked what I wanted to. If I’d gotten there without the train pulling to a halt and I actually asked her what I wanted to. Would she have said yes? Would we have gone on a date? Would I have seen a much nicer side to her?
My mind goes one step further and I start to think about her back at my place… her breath in my ear, her hands grazing softly along my skin, her lips brushing against mine as we slowly peel one another’s clothes off…
God, it’s been far too long. I sit up straighter, my spine bolting as I realize what a fool I am. I can’t start day dreaming about some woman I don’t even know and who definitely doesn’t like me. What the hell am I up to? Just because she’s the first woman that I’ve been attracted to for ages doesn’t mean she’s the one. It just means that I’m ready to get back on the horse, that’s all. It’s time for me to open my eyes to women again…
“Logan Matthews, what the hell is wrong with you?” Ron, the office manager snaps. “Stop staring into space like you think you’re still in high school or something. I need you to actually get that report done today.”
I suck in a deep breath, trying to cool down my pulse which immediately races rapidly. There’s no point in losing my temper here, I still need this job for a little while longer. I’ll have to just suck it down.
“Sure, I’m on it,” I reply thickly as the lie spills out. “It’s almost done.”
It isn’t. it’s far from it, but he doesn’t need to know that. I flick the button on my ancient machine and wait the age it takes for the damn thing to turn on. All the while my mind is focused on the green eyes that at first admired me then flamed angrily at me. I liked both sides of her, and I’d like to see more. Maybe, if my whole spilling coffee on her didn’t completely destroy anything, then she’ll get the job and we’ll see each other again. Perhaps one day on our shared train journey we’ll laugh over what happened on the first time we met. She’ll certainly make the commute a more enjoyable experience if I get to see her face every day. Who knows, I might even start liking my life here a little bit before I go. It would be nice to want to come back too…
But for now, I have this report which needs to be done, and I have Ron breathing down my neck so I suppose that should take priority. My computer’s alive now and just about ready to connect to the Internet. Needs must…
“Oh, I wasn’t expecting you to be home,” I declare with shock as I get inside. “Al, the social butterfly, in?”
“Nah, just grabbing some grub then I’m out to meet Cindi. I’ll probably be at hers tonight.”
I nod along, looking forward to a bit of peace. I do love Al, he’s great, but sometimes I miss the me time. Right now, after the long winded day I’ve had, I just need a bit of time to chill and think. Actually, what I really need to do is forget. I need to push the raven haired beauty to the back of my mind and focus on life. She’s had me distracted all day long, it’s got me in endless trouble with Ron, and if I don’t stop it soon I’ll end up doing a desperate, meaningless search online which will leave me with nothing since I don’t even know her name.
She’s sending me crazy and I really need to stop it. I do not want to end up as a crazy person.
“So, how are things going with Cindi?” I don’t know why I ask this, I know the answer.
“It’s alright I suppose.” He gives me a shrug. “I mean, I’m not going to marry her or anything but she’s nice.”
“Yeah? You haven’t brought her around here yet. I haven’t met her.”
Al looks utterly horrified by the idea. “You don’t want to meet her, do you? She isn’t that close to me.”
Even the girls he brings here he tries to keep out of my eye line. It’s impressive really, the amount of effort he puts in keeping his conquests and his real life separate. He puts as much effort into his work life and no wonder he’s so successful. I’m surprised he isn’t CEA of the company yet. He damn well should be.
“Nah, I suppose not.” I smile and flop onto the couch. “She won’t be around for long anyway.”
“Nope. I don’t think so. I mean, it’s been fun but you know how it is. Not forever fun.”
I haven’t ever seen my roommate close to forever fun. It’ll be weird if that ever happens. I suppose with him it’ll take some real special lady, someone to capture his focus right away. A love at first sight type of deal. Knowing him he’ll probably marry her on day one because he’ll just know, but for now he just wants to have fun. That’s the sort of freedom that I need to be fully away from Laura. It’ll happen, one day…
“Right anyway, I’m off.” He dumps his dish in the sink without washing it. “See ya later on.”
He slams the door loudly behind him leaving behind a wonderful trail of peace. I smile to myself and allow my eyes to slide closed while the exhaustion washes over me. I’ll only do it for a second though, I don’t want to fall asleep by mistake and wake up at four AM. The day after that is always horrible. I’m always tired, cranky, and even less inclined to suffer fools which can get me in a whole lot of trouble.
I want to do some more research anyway. There are some things in Prague that I want to research before I continue to map out my route. It’ll be a bit out of my way so I need to work out if I really want to go there. I guess I’m treating this one world trip like it might be my last because I don’t know when, if ever, I’ll be able to afford it again. Plus, I need to think about the changes that might come about. Anything could happen, I know that. Life has this funny way of throwing a spanner into the works so I can’t plan that far ahead.
“Hey, Logan,” the raven haired girl whispers to me. “Thank you for coming back for me, I’ve been thinking about you all day long. I wanted to show you just how sorry I am for my temper tantrum earlier…”
My hand slowly slips down into my pants as I picture it as hers. I know this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing, this isn’t helping me to forget, but maybe I need this. Just to get her out of my system. She isn’t going anywhere otherwise and to be honest, she’s had me on fire all day long. I want to explore that. I want to know just how quickly the idea of her can send me flying over the edge… probably not long knowing this feeling.
Again, her mouth is all over me, her breath tickling me, her soft hands stroking my rock hard length… I bite down on my bottom lip as I try to work out what could be underneath those sexy clothes of hers. Pert breasts, I imagine, and long luscious legs, amazing curves too. I can just imagine how good she would feel all over me. Straddling me, burying me into her, pumping me.
“Please…” I envision her slowly sliding down. “I really want to taste you.”
“Oh…” I grunt as I imagine the sensation of her warm wet mouth wrapping around me. “God…”
It doesn’t take long, the pleasure builds rapidly, I feel like I’ve been on the edge of it all day long. It bursts free, exploding like a selection of wonderful, blissful fireworks, leaving me even more drained and deflated. I kinda feel lost now, because she’s vanished. I miss her imaginary hands all over me already. I wish I could hold on to the sensation of her lips that little while longer.
That has to be the end of it… I need to forget about her now… This is nuts.
4
Tamara
Panic darts through my body, growing even more intense as I glance down at the top which doesn’t quite fit me right. Katherine’s massive breasts leave a slightly sagging sensation around my chest area and it feels a little tight at the waist. I guess I just know that this isn’t what I wanted to wear and it’s making me uncomfortable.
I glance towards all the glass doors, wishing I could run after Katherine screaming. We
could just head to a bar, get some drinks, maybe even something to eat… anything would be more fun than being here.
I don’t belong, that’s what’s really getting to me. I don’t fit in here at all. Everyone who works here is sleek and perfect. They all have long fake nails, bright red plump lips, tight suits, sharp ties. It’s like being in the middle of a sleek TV show where everyone is an A list celebrity. And I’m a freaking mess, just a scruffy girl who used to be a waitress. No one is even looking at me because they know I’m a bad spot on an otherwise perfect place.
For a second, I yearn for my old life. Pete was an asshole, but I knew him. I knew what wound him up and what made him happy, I understood life with him even if it wasn’t the most pleasant in the world. And my job, I got that, my house, I knew every nook and cranny. Whoever said new is better, is an utter idiot.
“Tamara Owen?” An extremely intimidating woman purrs. “Would you like to come with me a moment?”
“Oh, right now?” I leap up almost sliding on the marble floor. “Yes, of course now. Why would you say it otherwise?” I let out an awkward laugh, my face flaming with embarrassment. “Yes, let’s go. Sorry, I’m…”
This is it, the bad first impression. Fucking hell, I just have to hope she isn’t the interviewer.
“It’s this way…” She indicates towards the stairs. The fucking mountain of stairs that are so shiny someone must clean it with their freaking spit every night. “Just at the top the panel awaits.”
I could run now… I could go… Those thoughts shoot and dart through my mind but I ignore them. I am supposed to be a grown up now, I don’t want to throw it away on the first step. Even if that idiot man threw coffee at me on the train, wrecking my day for me. I ball my fists up by my side in temper.
Forget about him, I warn myself. Don’t let him screw it up even further… Katherine will kill me.
She’s talked me down, calmed me down, I don’t want to fly back up there again. I need to focus on my step instead if I don’t want to fall all the way down. Now that would be embarrassing in this place. I would be the freaking talk of the office all day long. If anyone even talks here, they don’t really seem to. There aren’t any pockets of people hiding by the water cooler, gossiping. Urgh, it seems like a really boring place.
