‘Yes. Please, Leon—’
‘Okay,’ he put up a silencing hand. ‘After we’ve eaten, hmm?’
‘I’d really rather not—’
‘Would you like dinner now, sir?’ Once again Max prevented her from telling Leon she would rather not discuss Michael with him now or at any other time.
‘Helen?’
‘Yes, yes, that’s fine.’ She stood up to follow him through to the dining-room.
Max certainly was a good cook and the meal was superb, but Helen’s appetite still hadn’t returned.
They took coffee in the lounge. ‘You want to talk about Mike West now?’ Leon watched her closely.
’No! I—er—I—Do you think Max is annoyed with me for not doing justice to that lovely meal he cooked for us?’ she asked in a rush. ‘His cooking really is superb. I—I’m just not hungry.’
‘No, I’m sure he didn’t mind.’ He sighed. ‘You aren’t going to tell me, are you?’
‘I can’t!’ She put her hands over her face. ‘It may not seem anything to you and I—I couldn’t bear it if you ridiculed me.’
‘God, I’m not going to ridicule you,’ he snapped. ‘How could you even think that? What sort of person do you think I am?’ he demanded.
Helen flinched at his undisguised show of anger. ‘I didn’t mean—I didn’t mean it insultingly,’ she almost pleaded for his understanding. ‘It’s just that you mix in the same crowd as Michael, and things that shock me may not mean a thing to you.’
‘I’m not saying I would be shocked, I’m not sure anything that disreputable husband of yours did could do that, but I know it had to be something pretty bad to have made you leave him after only two days. You’re a fighter, not someone who gives in easily.’
‘Thank you for your faith in me,’ she said, ‘but there were a lot of people only too eager to believe Michael could do no wrong.’
‘I never knew him to do anything right. I once went to one of his parties, but I didn’t stay long,’ he grimaced.
‘No, his parties did tend to be like that. I only went to one of them too.’ She shuddered at the memory of it.
‘Before or after you were married?’
‘After,’ she said shakily.
‘Where did you meet him?’
‘At—’ she frowned. ‘I thought I said I didn’t want to talk about it. It’s always the same when I talk to you, you make me tell you things I’ve never told anyone else.’
Leon stood up and came over to sit on the arm of her chair. ‘That’s as it should be, Helen. I want to be the one you can talk to, I want that very much.’ He lifted her chin, gently caressing her creamy skin. ‘Tell me, Helen. Please!’
She bit her lip. ‘You won’t dislike me for it?’
He frowned darkly. ‘Why the hell should I dislike you?’
‘Because—well, you might.’
‘I won’t,’ he said firmly. ‘Look, if it helps I’ll just sit here and not even look at you. How would that be?’
‘I—Do I have to tell you?’
‘I think so, Helen. Whatever it is it’s warped you long enough. I’ve noticed the way you flinch from my every touch. If you don’t talk to someone soon you’ll never get over it.’
‘I don’t think I will anyway,’ she said dully. ‘You can have no idea—all right,’ she sighed, ‘I’ll tell you. But don’t blame me if you hate me afterwards!’
‘I won’t blame you for anything that happened. As far as I’m concerned it was all Mike West’s fault. Now, tell me where you met him?’
‘In Switzerland.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I was on holiday there.’
‘At a West hotel?’
‘Yes. I—I’d saved all year for this skiing holiday. And it—well, it was everything I ever dreamt it would be. When the son of the owner of the hotel spoke to me one evening in the lounge I couldn’t believe it. He was so handsome, such good fun, and when he asked me out to dinner I was speechless.’
‘Didn’t you know his reputation?’ Leon rasped.
‘Only a little of it, and the newspapers do tend to exaggerate at times—sensation is what sells.’
‘There was never any exaggeration about Mike West, more underplaying if anything.’
‘His mother probably had something to do with that. They’re a powerful family, and Michael’s mother always protected him when she could. That was something I found out later.’
‘A hard lesson?’
Helen looked up at him and then looked hurriedly away again at the warmth shining in his eyes for her. ‘Very hard. You must have seen the evidence of it yourself.’
‘The bad publicity you got at the breakdown of your marriage?’
‘Yes,’ she said huskily.
‘I didn’t see too much of that,’ he told her. ‘I was in the States filming at the time, we only got a small coverage of it.’
‘Lucky you,’ she muttered bitterly.
‘Okay, so that explains how you met him. It doesn’t explain how you came to marry him.’
‘I married him because I loved him—at least, I thought I loved him.’
‘And why did he marry you?’ he probed quietly.
‘Because—Why do you think?’
“ ‘I think,’ Leon said slowly, ‘I think he married you because he couldn’t get you any other way.’
Helen gasped, her face pale. ‘You’re right, of course,’ she sighed. ‘But I didn’t know that until after we were married.’
‘I’m sure you didn’t,’ Leon acknowledged dryly. ‘If I know him he wrapped good old-fashioned lust up in a declaration of love.’
‘Yes!’ The word came out as a hiss. ‘His mother was furious when she found out Michael had married me. He took me to see her after the ceremony, and she became almost hysterical. I could have died of embarrassment.’
‘And Michael?’
‘He revelled in it. That was when I got my first feeling of apprehension.’
‘Only then?’
‘He’d been so charming until then,’ she explained.
‘I’ll bet he had! I might even have gone to that extreme myself if it had been going to get me you at the end of it.’
Helen’s face was fiery red. ‘Well, Michael did go to that extreme.’
‘And after that?’ he prompted.
‘We went to a party,’ she mumbled.
‘That figures. Most men would have wanted to be alone with their bride, but not Mike West, he had to take you to a party,’ he derided.
‘Yes, and it was a very—boisterous party, very loud. There was too much drink, and—and I think there were drugs being passed around.’
‘Probably.’ He didn’t sound surprised.
‘Anyway, by the time we got home, to Michael’s apartment, it was very late, about three o’clock in the morning, I think. And Michael—he’d been drinking very heavily.’ She bit her lip.
‘Then what happened?’
‘Well, he—he—’
‘Say it, Helen.’ Leon came down on his haunches in front of her, cupping each side of her face with gentle hands. ‘Just say it,’ he told her softly.
‘I—I—’ Tears started to stream down her face, trickling through Leon’s fingers. ‘We went to bed,’ she evaded his eyes, her own violet eyes swimming with tears.
‘Is that all?’
Her eyes flashed. ‘No, of course, it isn’t all! Michael raped me that night. He raped me!’
Leon pulled her fully into the circle of his arms, pushing her head down on his shoulder. ‘I thought so. It’s over now, Helen. It’s over.’ He rocked her in his arms. ‘He can’t hurt you any more.’
‘You don’t understand,’ she spoke against his shoulder. ‘That wasn’t the end of it. Michael raped me that night, and the next night—the next night he gave me to his best friend!’ Choking sobs racked her body.
CHAPTER FOUR
LEON moved back slightly to look at her, his mouth a thin angry line. ‘He did what?’ His voice was dangerously soft.
‘He
gave me to Rolf Sears,’ she said dully.
Leon frowned. ‘He—’ he broke off. ‘I—’
‘You don’t know what to say, do you?’ she said bitterly. ‘Neither did I, when Rolf came to my bedroom that night.’
He paced restlessly up and down the room, coming to an abrupt halt in front of her. ‘Did he stay?’ he rasped, his face grim.
Helen glared at him. ‘What sort of question is that?’ she snapped. ‘Of course he didn’t stay!’
Some of the tension left his body, but the deep lines of strain remained either side of his mouth. ‘Tell me the rest,’ he ordered curtly.
She gave a short laugh. ‘You expect there to be more?’
‘No, damn you! I want to know what happened once Sears had come to your room.’
Helen sighed. ‘I think I should tell it to you from the beginning of the evening. Michael decided to throw a party, and as things were strained between us because of the previous night I thought it might be a good idea too.’
‘Why the hell didn’t you just leave him the next morning?’ Leon demanded angrily. ‘Why wait about for any more insults?’
Her violet eyes flashed her own anger. ‘Because in spite of everything, the violent way he took me, I was still his wife. I don’t suppose I’m the first bride to be raped by a drunken husband on her wedding night. I thought—I thought things would get better between us.’
‘And instead they got worse.’
‘Yes! Michael was drinking heavily again and I—I couldn’t have stood his taking me so brutally again,’ she shook with emotion.
‘You were a virgin?’ he asked quietly, watching her closely.
‘Yes!’ She bit her lip, drawing blood, but unaware of the pain. ‘And because he was drinking, because of the insinuating things he kept saying to me, I went up to my bedroom quite early in the evening. When Rolf Sears—when that man came to my room I was asleep. I didn’t realise at first, I thought it was Michael, and when I realised it wasn’t and asked for an explanation he said Michael had sent him.’
‘The lousy bastard!’ Leon swore forcibly.
‘I went looking for Michael to confront him with it and I—I found him—found him—He was in bed with another woman. He laughed at me in front of her, told me not to be such a prude, that he’d had what he wanted from me and that I—I bored him in bed.’ She bowed her head. ‘I packed my bags and left straight away. I went to stay with Jenny and I’ve been there ever since. My parents are dead, you see, Jenny’s the only relative I have.’
‘And you didn’t see West again after that?’
Helen looked away again. ‘Yes, I saw him.’
‘When?’ he snapped.
Helen shrugged. ‘A few months later.’
‘Why?’
‘He was my husband!’
‘Like hell he was! He was just a selfish kid who took you in the most demoralising way possible. If I’d known you then I would have stopped you seeing him again.’
‘You just don’t understand, do you, Leon? I said I saw him a few months later. Doesn’t that tell you anything?’ she cried.
He became curiously still. ‘You mean—You mean you were pregnant?’
‘Is that so hard to believe? It’s possible to have a child whether it was made from love or just pure lust. I’d asked Michael for a divorce, he came to the flat to discuss it with me and—well, it was noticeable by then that I was having a child. I hadn’t expected him to actually come and see me. Apparently his mother didn’t approve of the idea of divorce, and after he saw me he said he wouldn’t give me one, that he wanted to bring up his child.’
‘So you went back to him,’ Leon scorned.
‘What else could I do?’ she demanded angrily. ‘There was no way I could have kept the child without Michael’s help, and he refused to give it to me unless I went back to live with him. But that was all I agreed to do. I made him promise there would be nothing—nothing physical between us.’
‘A promise he had no intention of keeping.’
‘But I didn’t realise that,’ she said resentfully. ‘I thought the fact that he knew I was carrying his child would make a difference. It didn’t. I left him again, this time for good. He was killed driving over to get me back. I miscarried the baby,’ she told him dully.
‘Why was none of this ever reported?’
‘Don’t you believe me?’ she challenged.
‘Of course I believe you,’ he said tersely.
‘Then why question my story?’
‘I didn’t question it, Helen,’ Leon sighed wearily. ‘I just wondered why his death got all the publicity and you were left as the villain of the piece.’
‘Michael’s mother again. But, believe me, I was glad of the silence. More publicity was the last thing I needed at the time. I’ve tried to block the whole of that four months out of my life, but it hasn’t worked. When that man came to my bedroom and said Michael had given me to him for the night I could have died of shame. I felt unclean—I still do.’
‘And I could kill the swine,’ Leon snapped grimly. ‘West is lucky he’s already dead. If I ever meet that man Sears that’s what he’s likely to be too. God, how could he do that to you!’
‘It disgusts you, doesn’t it? As I disgust you.’ Her voice trembled. ‘I think I’d like to go home now. Will you take me?’
‘You aren’t going home yet, not until I’ve apologised for the way I treated you the night we met. No wonder you couldn’t bear me to touch you! I must have hurt you deeply, and I don’t just mean physically.’
Helen looked at him dazedly. ‘You aren’t disgusted by what I’ve just told you?’
Leon frowned. ‘Don’t be so damned silly. You aren’t to blame for West’s insensitivity. He had no right to ruin you for every other man, make your heart and body frozen. God, what must you have felt like when I told you I wanted to be your lover!’ He gave her a sharp look. ‘I would still like to be that. But the thought of it frightens the hell out of you, doesn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ she admitted softly.
‘God, I could— Oh, hell!’ he muttered grimly. ‘I don’t know what to do about you, Helen. You’ve got me so I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. And I—I’m not used to denying myself a woman I want.’
‘You’re wasting your time with me.’ Her eyes were huge and troubled. ‘I can’t—I’m not able—I couldn’t let you touch me, not in that way,’ she shuddered.
‘Not in any way,’ he said forcefully. ‘Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think I don’t see you cringe away from me every time I come near you?’
‘It isn’t only you, Leon,’ she explained pleadingly.
‘I know that, it’s every man. It’s knowing that that’s stopping me exploding. I want you so much, Helen,’ he groaned. ‘I just can’t think rationally when you’re around.’
‘There’s nothing to think about. It’s as you said, I’m frozen, frozen and unfeeling.’
He shook his head, his eyes gentle. ‘You aren’t unfeeling, you’re just frightened—frightened of being hurt again. And I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t hurt you. Hurting and loving are what life is all about. You’re only half alive if you can’t feel those emotions.’
‘I don’t want to feel those emotions!’
Leon sat down on the arm of her chair again, gently touching her pale cheek. ‘No, don’t flinch,’ he pleaded softly. ‘I just want to touch you, nothing else.’
It took all of her will-power to grit her teeth and sit still as his thumb slowly caressed her check, feeling no pleasure in his touch but trying not to show aversion.
‘I’d like to kiss you,’ he murmured throatily. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to, I just said I would like to. Making love isn’t like the animal pleasure Mike West took in you, it can be the most beautiful thing on earth, between the right people.’
‘I once called you an animal,’ Helen admitted almost guiltily.
His mouth tightened. ‘When?’
‘It was to Jenny.’ She licked her dry lips and looked up at him, her eyes deeply violet. ‘It was—after you—kissed me.’
‘I felt like an animal that night. I’m an arrogant devil,’ he said ruefully. ‘I don’t like receiving the brush-off, especially from someone I was instantly attracted to. I didn’t see how you could feel any different from the way I did, that you would want me too. When you accused me of wanting a cheap affair with you I saw red. I took your rejection as contempt and I wanted to induce some sort of response from you.’
‘It wasn’t contempt, Leon,’ she protested. ‘No, it definitely wasn’t contempt. I—I wish I could respond to you, I really do.’
Leon moved hurriedly away from her. ‘I could take that as an invitation—but I know it wasn’t. I’d like to show you what making love can really be like, like to take you step by step into my world of loving.’
‘No! Please—don’t ask that of me.’
‘I have to get you home, Helen,’ he said grimly, ‘before I make completely the wrong move. At the moment I think I’ve gained a little of your trust, as much as you’re willing to trust any man, and I could ruin all that if we don’t soon get out of here.’
She stood up in jerky movements. ‘I’m ready to leave now.’
Leon gave a bitter smile. ‘I thought you might be. Right, let’s go.’
‘I— Will you thank Max for me? It was a lovely meal.’
‘I’ll thank him,’ he said impatiently. ‘Wait here while I get your coat.’
Helen was shivering with reaction, finding it hard to believe she had actually told Leon all that, bared her soul to him in that way. He must be shaken by what she had told him, must feel some disgust towards her for the way Michael had treated her, and yet he wasn’t showing it. But she doubted she would see him again after this evening.
Why should he bother with someone like her, someone who had a hang-up about sex? He had said he wanted to be her lover, he certainly didn’t want to wait around while she got over her complex. But it wasn’t just a complex, it was a deep-rooted loathing of anything physical between herself and a man.
Leon was very handsome, very charming, and she knew many women would be only too grateful for his attraction to them, but to her it meant nothing, a complication she didn’t need in her life. She just couldn’t involve herself with him.
Living Together Page 6
