“Aiko-san,” he said. “I hope that I don’t come off too strong when I say you’re lovely.”
Sweet. Aiko bit back a smile as she continued to hide her body from him. “Thank you. I’m sorry I’m asking you to do it this way.”
He put his hand on her bare shoulder blade. It was warm, but soft, although it did nothing to assuage Aiko’s jitters. “Anything else I could do to make you more comfortable?”
What is making me feel uncomfortable? She had sex with strangers – strangers – all the time and never thought twice about it. Sure, she sometimes was nervous that a beautiful woman would find her unattractive once the clothes came off, but she usually got into it much faster than she could imagine now. Is it because of his… She leaned in and whispered into Takeshi’s ear.
His eyes got big before narrowing again. His legs shifted, although the blanket did not fall off them as he glanced down into his lap. “That was very direct, Aiko-san.”
Reina taught me that. “I’m sorry…”
“No, it’s okay. I just…” Takeshi cleared his throat. “Never had a woman ask that before.”
“Can I? Or is too awkward?”
“I suppose it depends on what you want the outcome to be.”
Aiko cast her eyes down again. “I want to become more comfortable with you and your body. Then perhaps I could become more like myself when it comes to these things.”
“I would like that.”
“Me too.”
Takeshi pulled back his blanket. “Well, there it is.”
Aiko couldn’t bring herself to look. Not at first. But if I don’t look, I’ll offend him. How stupid. She knew what a damned penis looked like. She wasn’t even disgusted by their existence like her spouse was.
So why couldn’t she look?
Because it’s his! Whether Aiko found it appealing or not didn’t matter. The fact was that it was Takeshi’s most intimate body part, and seeing it would change the state of their relationship even more than it had been.
She glanced at it, seeing nothing but shadows from the blankets. However, she couldn’t fake the next part.
I should kiss him. Show him some more skin. Titillate the poor guy. Not just reach under the covers and grab him like a piece at the butcher’s. I’m not doing that either! Aiko maintained the most neutral face possible as she slipped her hand between Takeshi’s bare legs – I wasn’t expecting hair here – and brushed her fingers against the rigid flesh between them.
Takeshi sucked in his breath. So did Aiko. What are you afraid of? How could it be any worse than what Reina packed half the time?
“Ah!” Takeshi bumped his back against the bed frame the moment Aiko wrapped her hand around him.
“I’m sorry!” Aiko released it right away. “Did I hurt you?”
“No.” Takeshi laughed uneasily. “No, no… quite the opposite.”
Aiko tried again, this time going easy instead of treating him like he was her spouse. Reina needs me to squeeze it to death so she can feel it. She had to remind herself that this was a real phallus and not one of Reina’s silicone extensions of herself.
It surprised her when Takeshi responded positively to such a gentle touch.
Aiko had never seen something like this before. Sure, Reina claimed that when she was her most dysphoric she could “feel” her phallus as if it were a part she was born with. But she still didn’t react to having it touched the same way an actual male did. Takeshi balanced between giving himself over to desire and restraining himself in case Aiko had a problem. And it feels weird to me too. It wasn’t as thick as Reina’s. Aiko could wrap her hand around it quite easily and with finger length to spare.
“Is it okay?” she asked.
His reply insinuated that it would take a lot more than caresses to hurt him.
Aiko proceeded, trying to balance what she knew her spouse liked with what an actual male would like. Don’t hurt him. He’s not a glutton for punishment like Reina. Just once she would like to not think of her spouse while she stroked the shaft of a man. She could see Reina now, sitting in the corner of the room while she tried to not pass out.
Takeshi halted his heavy, controlled breathing long enough to inform Aiko that she could touch other parts of it if she wanted. Aiko took this as meaning he was getting overworked, but… she also knew that the tip was different and could perform certain acts she wasn’t sure she was ready for yet.
Still, she built up her courage and moved her hand over the head of Takeshi’s phallus. He groaned, falling against the headboard again as he slapped one hand over his eyes and hissed between his teeth. It sure doesn’t take much. Aiko nearly jumped out of her skin when something wet was left on her fingers.
“Stop!” Takeshi jerked up, grabbed her wrist, and enticed her to open her hand.
“What? Did I do something wrong?” Aiko didn’t know whether to leap out of bed or stay in place. “I was trying…”
Takeshi took four more controlled breaths before releasing her. “No you were… just fine. Too fine. I was about to…”
“Oh, I see.” Aiko looked away so he wouldn’t see more of her blushing.
“Just be glad I’m not twenty,” he mumbled. “I’m not as young as I used to be. If I finish now, well, I’m afraid I’ll be finished.”
Does that mean you can’t do anything with me? Aiko had heard that some men treated their orgasms as the ending of sex, regardless of whether or not their partners were also finished.
“That’s something I’d rather share with you. If you know what I mean, I guess.”
“I do.”
Takeshi wrapped one arm around her shoulders and kissed the bottom of her left ear. “If it’s okay, I would like to make love to you now. I want to make sure you’re as ready as I am.”
Aiko’s body said yes, as if she were an idiot to deny otherwise. Even her heart told her that Takeshi was a good, gentle man and she could never do any better, no matter how many other men she met in the world. He would be kind to her, tolerant of her pauses and questions, and all because he had genuine affection for her.
So why the hell was she so nervous?
He began by kissing her shoulder, then her arm, and then pressing his hand against the covers on top of her breasts. “Can I see you?” he asked. His fingers pulled against the covers.
“Yes.” Yet Aiko held the covers fast to her chest.
“Aiko-san…”
Slowly, as she raised the strength inside of her, Aiko dropped the cover and let Takeshi look at her as much as he wanted.
No man had ever seen her naked before. Not a single one. Not her ex-boyfriends, not her male family members… well, perhaps her father saw her when she was born, and then a few doctors, but after that? Her body was something she kept shrouded from men’s eyes as she grew older and more self-conscious. Men were critical of women, even if they claimed they liked all sorts of bodies. And Aiko was over forty now. She wasn’t as svelte or perky as she was when Reina first broke her inhibitions.
Stop thinking of her…
Yet it was all she could think of while Takeshi kissed her cheek and told her she was beautiful. As he kissed the top of her breasts, eased her down onto the bed, and began to place his mouth in areas most women never reached, Aiko thought of those early weeks dating someone named Reina Yamada.
“Why are you so shy about your body?” she asked many times, pulling on young Aiko’s bra straps and finding new ways to ease her legs open. “You don’t have anything I haven’t seen a million times before on myself and others. So what if it looks different? Everyone looks different. Your tits are lovely, your skin is soft… what, are you shy about your damn hair down there? Everyone grows hair there! Look at mine! You think I don’t know how to work around it? I’ll show you how. I want to make you feel good. When I’m with you, all I can think about is making you feel good. I’ll show you everything. You ain’t got nothing to be ashamed of here. You’re a beautiful woma
n. Sure, you may not be everyone’s favorite, but neither am I. People are people. But you are beautiful. I think you are. I’m not just saying that either… you really are!”
“You’re beautiful,” Takeshi said into her ear again, as he touched her stomach and made her legs clamp together. “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you.” He put his fingers on top of hers between her legs – her heart beat as if it were trying to break out of her chest. “I want to make sure you’re ready for me. For us. Aiko-san, I want to know your body.”
“This is fine for now,” she said, redirecting his hands and mouth up. The first time she made love to Reina, the only thing she would let her do was put her lips and tongue on her. She was already pushing herself with Takeshi’s appendages.
After sensing his disappointment, Aiko rolled into his embrace and kissed him.
The tension between them was at an all-time high. He wants in between my legs. He wanted to penetrate her, to fuck her. He didn’t say it, but Aiko could tell from the way he kissed her heavily and then pulled back again before he could frighten her. He wants to please me and make me say those sounds I do when I’m with Reina. She whimpered now. Little squeaks that she hadn’t heard come out of her throat since she was twenty. One of her legs looped around Takeshi’s, and a frisky hand touched the bottom of her back and ventured toward her rear.
She was into it. Just go slow. Eventually she would be ready to open her legs for him, whatever that entailed.
Somewhere between kissing the back of his throat and debating whether she should grab his ass, Takeshi’s phallus bumped into her thigh, hard and firm. It was as if a knife stabbed her.
“No…” she whimpered. This was wrong. And yet here Takeshi came, rolling on top of her and sucking her throat as his strength increased.
But it was wrong.
This wasn’t the body Aiko wanted wrapped around her. It was hard, strange, and a danger if they forgot a condom in their passion. “Aiko…” he whispered, dropping the formalities now that they were like this. “I almost can’t wait anymore. Are you ready?”
No.
She wanted to say it. This was wrong. Too fast. Too sudden. Aiko looked at him in the light of his room, male and masculine. This wasn’t someone who really knew her body. He could never know her body. He didn’t know what it was like to have someone worship the curves and the details of her breasts; how to tease the folds of her omanko before flicking her clit or satisfying her opening at the right time. He could try. He wanted to try. Millions of women around the world liked it when men wanted to try. They wanted to share their bodies and experiences with them, to learn about their bodies in turn…
All Aiko could hear was Reina’s voice. “I love knowing what a woman is feeling when I go down on her. Her pleasure is my pleasure, and together we understand each other.”
If only she could have Reina now.
“I can’t,” Aiko said, a tear falling down her cheek. “I’m sorry! Please, get off me!”
Takeshi fell off her, the covers shaking around him until he was exposed, his phallus fully erect between his legs. It was ugly, although it wasn’t his fault. I didn’t want to see it because I knew it would turn me off. This wasn’t a fantasy, where she actually didn’t have to have one inside of her. Aiko rubbed her eye and tried not to cry.
“I’m so sorry… it’s not you.” Aiko sniffed, and a box of tissues appeared beside her. “I just… I’m not… I’m so gay.”
Takeshi flopped onto the bed, his eyes and phallus both pointing toward the ceiling. God, it’s so ugly. She almost laughed at herself, sounding like a drunk dyke at a bar on a Tuesday night complaining about dicks and cocks. “I knew it,” he muttered. “And yet I hoped.”
“I can’t believe I did this to you again.”
“Oh, you didn’t do a damn thing.” Takeshi finally covered himself up, although a bulge still appeared beneath the blanket. “If I get mad about it, it’s only at myself.”
“Still…”
“How can I lie? I want you. I wanted you back then, and I want you now. You’re beautiful, smart, funny, and someone I could see myself with for a long time. You think I sound stupid? Sometimes I am. But I wasn’t stupid about this. Beyond the fact that for a few minutes I deluded myself into thinking that you could be mine. But you never will be. Even if you’re not with your spouse forever, you will still never be mine. Because I can’t see you willingly giving yourself to me like that. I’ll give myself to you a hundred times over. I wish I could. I wish I could make you feel like women make you feel. I bet you’re a wonder with them. I could sense it from what you showed me. And I am angry after all. Angry at myself for thinking that I am someone you could be with like that.”
By now Aiko had more tears in her eyes. Not because she felt guilty, but because she could not have asked for a better person in this situation… even if she had probably hurt him.
“Oh, come on.” Takeshi put his arm around her again, but this time as a friend offering her a consoling hug. “What’s wrong?”
“How can we be friends now…”
“Yeah, it’ll be weird for a while. I mean, you’ve seen my poor friend here make a total ass out of himself.”
Aiko laughed through her tears. “He wasn’t so bad.”
“That’s good, because I’m rather attached to him. Speaking of which.” He pulled away, one leg swinging over the edge of his bed. “I need to, uh, step out for a bit and use the bathroom.”
Aiko didn’t watch him go. Instead, she took the opportunity to grab her blouse and underwear. The jeans could be put on later. First she wanted to lounge in Takeshi’s bed and talk to him a little more. As soon as he got back from relieving himself, of course.
***
“Sometimes I just wanna go for it,” Reina said, staring at Shio’s ceiling as they lay side by side on the top of her bed. Two empty bottles of beer were with them, since Reina eventually won her challenge a while back. “Every once in a while, I have days that are so shitty and my brain wants me to be anything but female. I don’t know when that started to happen. I never had these feelings when I was young.”
“That’s not too strange.” Shio bobbed her feet up and down in time to her breaths. “I see lots of people where I work who didn’t realize they were trans until around your age, or later. It’s never too late.”
“No, that’s not it. For me I think it’s all become psychological because of my life experiences. Jeez, this is why I go to therapy.”
“At least you know now.”
“I guess. But I still sometimes think that I want to do it, even if it’s taking hormones. But I’m also too chickenshit to permanently alter my body like that. I like my body. I just don’t like it when my brain gets all fucked up.”
“Hormones will mess you up if you ain’t ready.” Shio turned on her side facing Reina. “On one hand, I love what they did for me. My body filled out and I got less hairy. But other things happened that I didn’t like at all.”
Reina looked at her. “Like what?”
The bed shifted as Shio rolled onto her back again. “While it made some body parts fill out, it made others shrink. I got used to it, but I wasn’t ready. It fucked me up when it came to sex for a while. Completely killed my libido. I went from wanting to jam my dick into anything I could find to absolutely nothing. It takes a while for your body to readjust. It was a whole year before I even thought about masturbating again, and by then it was like I didn’t know my body down there at all. Everything had changed. How it felt, how difficult it was to do certain things… for a while I didn’t even know how I could have sex with someone. I’d always penetrated women. What if I couldn’t anymore?”
A question burned in Reina’s throat, but she didn’t know if it was appropriate. She asked anyway. “You still like having sex like that?”
“I know, I’m a bad girl.” Shio looked at the moonlight coming through her window. “When I started to transition, everything I
read treated reassignment surgery as the ultimate end game for any transgender. But it was expensive, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted that. I’ve already told you that I decided to keep things the way they are for now. I changed my body in other ways to fit my image of myself. Do I wonder what it would be like to have a vagina? Every day. But I don’t. And I don’t mind it. I’m not alone feeling like that, but I definitely feel like a minority. It weirds women out too, because they’re used to girls like me not wanting to be touched down there at all. But one thing I never really had was wishing for a different kind of genitals. I liked getting blow jobs and I liked, well, you know…”
“Liked?”
“It’s a lot harder to do now because of the hormones. Sometimes I feel like the hormones make my dysphoria worse, but not in ways people expect.”
Reina looked up again. “I understand, I think. I like mine too.”
“And you can take a dick on and off whenever you want.”
“That is nice.”
Shio didn’t say anything for a while, which was fine with Reina. She enjoyed the silence that let her lie and reflect on how easy she had it in retrospect. It didn’t seem like it at times, of course, but…
“Do you think I’m messed up because I don’t want surgery?”
“What?” Reina blinked her way back to reality. “No. Why? That’s a huge deal. I don’t blame you for wanting it or not. It’s your body.”
“See, that’s what I think. But sometimes other women give me shit.”
“Because they’re full of it. You’re not any less than them.”
“You’re right.” Shio rolled against Reina, their bodies touching but their intentions kilometers apart. “I think of it like this: man, woman, who cares what you are on the outside? Am I less of a woman because of my body? Should I always feel like I have something to prove? Is Shio not real because she has the same parts as Naoki? Am I less real? I don’t think so. If anything, I’m more real than I ever have been in my life, and things can only keep getting better. One day I’ll wake up and forget that people ever thought I was a boy at all.”
Ikigai Page 20
