Imprisoned by a Vow

by Annie West

  Her fingers dug into her arms through her shirt. Who was she kidding? She’d thought she’d known Joss but she’d been wrong. So wrong it would be laughable if it weren’t tragic.

  ‘I’m well.’ She didn’t ask how he was. She told herself it was because she didn’t care but she feared it was because she cared too much. She didn’t trust him, didn’t like him, but remnants of her feelings for him still lingered.

  That was why she had to get rid of him.

  ‘And the baby?’ His voice dropped, rolling right through her belly to where their child nestled. This time she couldn’t prevent her instinctive gesture, palm to abdomen, as if to shield it from danger.

  Anger surged within her. At him for having the gall to ask. At herself because she’d longed for him to acknowledge their child, though she knew it was pointless.

  She opened her mouth to sneer that it was none of his business, but stopped.

  ‘The baby is fine.’ She dragged in a sharp breath as pain, jagged and raw, sliced through her. Then words she hadn’t been aware of forming spilled out. ‘Were you hoping it was all a mistake? Or that maybe I’d miscarried and you wouldn’t have to worry about complications? Is that it?’

  Once before she’d seen shock pare his features to the bone and colour ebb from his face. She saw it again now and it cut her to the quick. There was no mistaking his reaction as anything but genuine.

  Shame surfaced. What had she come to that she was so vitriolic?

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, appalled. The surge of emotion ebbed abruptly, leaving her feeling wobbly. Her shoulders sagged; the weariness she’d fought for weeks dragged at her so suddenly she felt light-headed.

  ‘Leila?’ This time when the world tilted he didn’t pull back. His hand was hot through her sleeve, his touch firm and sustaining. ‘You need to sit.’

  Eyes the colour of twilight locked with hers and she felt something shift in her chest. Leila squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep it out, but already she felt warmth flowing through her. From his touch, his concern.

  What a fool! There was nothing between them, there never had been. Yet still she longed...

  ‘This way.’ His tone and his touch were gentle enough to soothe her shredded nerves. She opened her eyes and let him lead her to a garden seat.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ Her voice stretched thin as she lowered herself to the seat. She felt like an old, old woman, weary beyond her years. ‘That was uncalled for.’ She blinked hot eyes and brushed at a smear of soil on her loose shirt.

  ‘I deserved it.’

  Leila’s head jerked up and she met his gaze as he stood before her. Had she heard right?

  ‘But believe me,’ he continued, ‘I want nothing more than for you and the baby to thrive. I want only good for you both.’

  Staring up at him, she almost believed he cared, really cared. Except he’d left her in no doubt that was impossible. Her heart cracked.

  ‘Why are you here, Joss?’

  He took a breath as if about to say something momentous. Yet no words came. His eyes held a shuttered look she hadn’t a hope of reading. At his side one big hand curled into a fist.

  If she didn’t know better she’d think him nervous.

  ‘Because of that?’ She gestured to the large envelope in his other hand. She hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it, guessing it contained divorce documents.

  She wished she could be blasé about ending what was simply a legal contract. But she wasn’t her parents’ daughter for nothing. She believed in love and family. She craved them. She craved Joss, with a silent fervour that defied logic.

  Except the Joss she craved was a figment of her imagination, a man she’d invented based on a little kindness and a whole lot of sexual magnetism.

  He wasn’t real.

  That knowledge gave her the strength to reach out for the envelope he crushed in his fist.

  ‘Is this for me?’ Finally he opened his hand. Her pulse skipped as she took the envelope and ice slithered down her spine despite the sunshine. She suppressed a silent keening wail. This was so far from what she’d dreamed.

  But she’d deal with it. She’d be strong and face this as she faced everything else.

  ‘You want me to send it back when I’ve signed it?’ Leila was proud of her even tone.

  Joss blinked, his brow furrowing. ‘They’re for you. Reading material for the board meeting that’s coming up.’

  Board meeting? Joss had come to give her agenda papers for a meeting? She sagged back in her seat, her heart thrumming out of rhythm.

  Nothing about this meeting made sense, least of all Joss, who stood looking as poleaxed as she felt.

  ‘Joss?’ She tried to collect herself. ‘Why are you here? Your staff could have sent the papers.’

  His eyes burned into hers. She felt the impact right to her toes curling tight in her gardening boots. He only had to look at her and she wanted to believe—

  ‘I had to see you. I needed to make sure you were all right.’ His voice was a harsh riptide of sound that undercut her determination.

  ‘Why? You don’t want complications, remember?’ Weariness rather than bitterness laced her words. She’d been bitter so long. Now, looking at his taut features, she felt regret and pain. And that welling of emotion she hadn’t been able to crush.

  She looked away. She needed to be alone. Needed never to see him again. Maybe then she’d convince herself this would work out for the best.

  Leila blinked as he dropped to his knees before her. Large hands gathered hers.

  She tried to pull back but his hold was firm. And—dreadful to admit—part of her revelled in his touch.

  This would be the last time he held her.

  ‘Because you were hurting so much. Because when I finally got past my posturing and my fear, I realised how cruel I’d been.’

  Fear? Joss didn’t do fear. Just as he didn’t do emotional entanglements.

  ‘I told you, I’m okay.’ Yet she couldn’t gather the strength to tug her hands free. She bit her lip, hating her weakness.

  Slowly he shook his head. ‘No, you’re not. And that’s my fault.’ He nodded at the envelope on the seat beside her. ‘The papers were an excuse. I needed to see you and apologise.’ He drew in a ragged breath. ‘I was a louse, a complete bastard. I deserve for you to hate me but I had to see if there was anything I could do, to make things easier.’

  ‘Easier?’ Her voice was scratchy as she strove to process his words.

  His hold tightened. ‘You...cared for me, Leila. I threw that in your face.’ He shook his head. ‘I shouldn’t have taken out my fears on you. I know I can’t fix things but I wanted to apologise and—’

  ‘What fears? I don’t understand.’ Joss was powerful and determined, the strongest individual she knew. She’d leaned on his strength time and again. ‘Joss?’

  His mouth tugged up at one side in what might pass for a smile if she hadn’t see the agony in his eyes. Leila’s heart pounded hard in sympathy, even as she told herself she shouldn’t get dragged in. She was well rid of the man who’d hurt her so devastatingly.

  ‘I was scared, Leila, petrified.’ His voice was low and she had to lean forward to catch it. ‘I still am. That’s why I turned on you.’

  ‘Don’t talk in riddles.’ She tried to tug her hands free, wondering if this was some convoluted scheme to dupe her. But why?

  Joss released one of her hands but planted the other over his chest, pressed to his heart. Heat spread from the point of contact. His heart beat to the same frantic rhythm as hers.

  It didn’t mean anything. Yet the look in his eyes dragged at her resistance.

  ‘I told you I don’t do emotions. I can’t do emotions.’

  Leila opened her mouth to disagree but his ravaged expression stopp
ed her.

  ‘I’ve never had love.’ He wasn’t looking at her now, but over her shoulder, into the distance. ‘That’s no excuse, just an explanation. Every time someone told me they loved me, I got hurt, till I steeled myself never to be hurt again. My parents claimed to love me but they only cared about their egos. Love was a blackmail weapon, using us to play their sordid games to best each other. All my life, whenever someone claimed to love me it was about what they could get. Even my sister—’ He sucked in a deep breath. ‘I loved her but I couldn’t protect her and when she left I knew she hadn’t cared enough about me to stay.’

  Leila’s hand moved convulsively against him and he grimaced.

  ‘I know. I was as selfish as my parents, believing that. I was a kid and didn’t know better. But deep down I did know I wasn’t cut out for love. I don’t inspire deep feelings in anyone. And as the years went by I realised I wasn’t able to love anyone either. I lacked the capacity.’

  ‘Joss, that’s absurd.’ She’d known he’d been damaged by his past, but to believe he wasn’t capable of love!

  His eyes cut to her and the force of what she read there dried her protests.

  ‘It’s true. I got accustomed to using people and being used—life was a series of barters. Sex for a few trinkets and some good times. The closest I came to love as an adult was when a woman claimed to love me in the hope I’d set her up financially.’

  ‘That’s horrible!’ It was no more than she’d expected, but hearing it put so brutally was shocking.

  He shrugged. ‘It’s what I expected. Until you.’

  Joss stroked his thumb over the back of her hand where it rested on his chest. She told herself she should yank her hand away but there was a disconnect between thought and action. She couldn’t do it.

  ‘With you I felt...things I’d never experienced. When you said you loved me I desperately wanted it to be true. But I didn’t dare believe it.’ He shook his head. ‘It was easier to believe you were mistaken or lying than that you loved me.’

  ‘Oh, Joss.’ Leila’s heart rolled over as she read his pain. Guilt struck her. She should have tried harder to convince him, not given up so easily.

  ‘I’m not after sympathy. I just need to explain why I turned on you and apologise.’

  ‘You already have.’

  He looked surprised. ‘It’s not enough.’

  ‘No, it’s not.’ Mixed with her sympathy was anger. Anger that a man so intelligent should have put them through all this because he couldn’t comprehend anything as straightforward and wonderfully simple as love. ‘You talk as if there’s a wall around you, cutting you off from love. All you have to do is reach out and trust your feelings.’

  He hesitated. ‘I see now that it’s possible—in theory.’

  At her puzzled look he continued, ‘After you left—’ his voice dipped ‘—I couldn’t work. I couldn’t function. Nothing held my attention. I wanted...’ He shook his head. ‘I couldn’t have what I wanted so I found something else to occupy my time. I traced my sister Joanna’s movements. I thought finding her grave might help put the past behind me.’

  Leila wanted to ask what it was he wanted, but he continued.

  ‘Eventually I found her.’ Emotion flickered in his gaze. ‘She hadn’t died at fifteen as I’d been told, she just disappeared.’

  At Leila’s gasp he nodded. ‘I guess I was told she died to keep me quiet. I was asking about her all the time.’ He rubbed his jaw with his free hand. ‘So for weeks I’ve had investigators searching.’

  ‘You found her?’ Leila’s heart was in her mouth.

  ‘I did.’ The quiet satisfaction in his smile was balm to her shredded nerves. ‘She’s alive and living in the wilds of Yorkshire with her farmer husband and three kids.’

  ‘And she’d never thought to contact you?’ Anger stirred within her at the thought of all those wasted years when Joss had had no one.

  His smile died. ‘Apparently she tried once, a few years after she left. She was living on the streets and our mother told her she couldn’t come back into our lives until she’d cleaned up her act. Joanna was told as far as I was concerned she was dead and it was better that way.’

  ‘That’s appalling.’ Leila reached out and stroked his hair from his forehead, needing the connection, needing to comfort him.

  ‘I warned you—my mother was appalling.’ He captured her hand in his and she welcomed his touch—so familiar. ‘But she’s gone and Joanna—she’s happier than I ever remember. And she’s living proof that I was wrong. That our family can find love.’

  His eyes glittered fiercely and she could have sworn heat arced between them.

  ‘You thought it was a family curse?’ Leila was breathless.

  ‘I thought it likely, given my experiences.’

  ‘Joss Carmody, for an intelligent man, sometimes you can be totally stupid!’

  He nodded and tugged her closer so she leaned forwards in her seat. ‘I know. I’ve been a fool in all sorts of ways. Worse, I’ve been a coward. I wanted your love but I was too scared I’d get hurt.’

  Leila’s heart jumped and her airways jammed at the expression in his eyes. A flicker of excitement stirred.

  ‘What are you saying, Joss?’

  ‘I...fell in love with you, Leila.’ His hands tightened and she revelled in his touch. ‘I know it’s too late, that I’ve destroyed what you felt, but I had to let you know. And tell you I’m here whenever you need me. Whenever either of you need me. You or the baby.’

  The world stood still around them. Even the clouds stopped moving and the drone of a distant car faded as she read the emotion blazing in his face. Hope rose, a trembling, fragile bud.

  Did she have the courage to reach out and grasp it?

  Could it be true? She wanted to believe it with every atom of her being.

  ‘When did you fall in love, Joss?’

  ‘I don’t know. It was a bit at a time. When you kissed me in the lift that first time and I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.’

  Heat crept up her throat as she remembered the no-holds-barred passion of that kiss.

  ‘When you stood up to me, whenever I tried to get my own way without compromise. When I learned how brave you’d been with Gamil.’

  Leila shook her head. ‘I wasn’t brave. I—’ His index finger on her lips stopped her words. She tasted salt and Joss and had to fight the instinct to suck his finger into her mouth and taste him better. Hunger slammed into her. It thrilled and appalled her.

  ‘When you drove my Ferrari that first time and managed not to crash it.’

  ‘You’re such a man!’

  His broad shoulders lifted in a shrug and his smile made her heart flip over. ‘So sue me.’

  Then his grin faded. ‘You deserve to know, Leila. I had to apologise and tell you how I felt.’

  She looked into his stern face and felt again that throb of impatience.

  ‘And that’s all?’

  He looked genuinely perplexed.

  Slowly her anger faded. It struck her anew that he really was completely inexperienced when it came to love.

  It was up to her to educate him.

  Leila surged to her feet and paced away.

  ‘Much as I enjoy having you on your knees apologising, I prefer a man who stands up for himself.’

  An instant later he stood before her, potently masculine, puzzled and ever so slightly challenging.

  ‘I want a man who believes me when I say I’m in love and doesn’t think that will change just because of harsh words or a misunderstanding, no matter how severe.’ She raised her brows. ‘I want a man who understands when I love it’s not negotiable, not put aside easily or lightly.’

  ‘I see.’ His deep voice curled tight around her and she shivered.
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  ‘I need a man whose love is like that too. Not a fair-weather lover who’s only around in the good times.’

  ‘Someone who’s there through thick and thin.’ Joss nodded and took a pace closer, blocking her exit.

  ‘Precisely.’ She swallowed, noting a gleam in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. ‘I want a man who will be with me and my child for ever.’

  Her words hung between them, like a fragile ribbon extended over a yawning void.

  ‘It’s a big ask.’ His voice was sombre, his face stern.

  She lifted her chin. ‘My child deserves a father who will love her and support her always.’

  ‘Her?’ Joss stepped closer, the heat of his body encompassing her.

  ‘Or him.’

  ‘Or both,’ he whispered, trailing his fingertips across her jaw and down her throat, till her senses rioted and her hormones surged. She shivered under his caress.

  ‘Oh,’ she breathed. The heat in Joss’s eyes needed no interpretation. Leila felt a shimmy of answering arousal deep in her womb.

  He lowered his head towards her, but stopped a kiss away, eyes locked with hers. Hope, fear and profound excitement melded within her.

  ‘Leila Carmody, can you forgive me for being such a fool and hurting you so badly?’

  ‘I can.’ She watched his eyes squeeze shut for a moment on a sigh of relief and knew she’d been right after all. The man she’d fallen for was no mirage.

  ‘Will you consider staying as my wife, the love of my life, always?’

  Words failed as emotion swamped her.

  ‘Could you trust me to love and honour you and be true to you always? Could you help me try to be a good father, the sort of father I always wanted?’

  She reached out and squeezed his arm. ‘You’ll be a wonderful father.’ The thought of his patience, his tenderness and encouragement, made her heart swell.

  ‘Does that mean you will?’ Joss’s voice was unsteady. His hesitancy cut her to the core.

  ‘I think I could.’ Her heart pounded a rough tattoo.

  ‘You think?’ One dark eyebrow rose.

  ‘I could be persuaded.’