by Dawn Doyle
“Girls, what’s the matter?” my mom asked, passing a look to Aunt Cora.
“We just worked out our issues,” Grace said with a smile. “Everything’s fine and we’re friends again, right, Lu?”
“Um, yeah,” I said, clearing my throat. I sat next to her and smiled at our family, looking past them and picking a spot on one of the many golden swirls on the creamy wallpaper. “We’re good.”
Aunt Cora beamed, her matching lipstick contrasting against her bright white teeth. “That’s wonderful. Family shouldn’t fall out. When all else fails, we only have each other.”
That’s wasn’t the case. I had Lucian, too. I was with him and he was with me, just like we’d said. Nobody, not even Grace, was going to change how I felt about him.
The message finally came after ten-thirty, making my pulse soar and adrenaline burst it’s way through me that I could barely stand.
‘I’m home.’
That was it, the only thing in the message, but it was enough. Lucian was home, and he was okay. I cried with relief, the worry that Grace had filled my head with, leaving me all at once.
‘Are you okay? I’m leaving now, I can’t wait to see you.’
“My friends are back, I’m going over to see them!” I called to my parents as they watched TV.
“Don’t stay out too late,” my dad replied.
It was Friday, which meant I had no set curfew, and I was going to use every minute I had taking care of Lucian.
As I headed out, my phone beeped.
‘I’m fine.’
“Probably tired and sore,” I told myself when I shut the door to the garage. I got into my car and backed out of the driveway, then took the familiar journey to Lynnfield.
The house was in darkness as usual when I drove up, and when I reached the garage, the shutters were down. It was a little strange, as Lucian always made sure I could drive right in so my car wouldn’t be seen. He was worried that if anybody decided to come to the house they would see it, so parking inside meant it wouldn’t be immediately known I was there.
I locked my door and walked up the steps. I pressed the small silver button, and heard the loud chime of the doorbell.
“Hey, Luca,” Brady said when he opened the door, his lips attempting a smile but not quite managing it. “Come in.”
“Hey, Brady,” I replied, walking past him. I took in the large bright foyer and the crystal drop chandelier in the center, the huge staircase the most prominent feature. I listened for any sound of the guys’ voices, but it was completely silent.
“Um, Lucian’s upstairs,” he said, unable to keep eye contact with me. When I darted for the steps, he spoke again. “He’s just got out of the ice bath.”
“Okay.” I ran up the stairs, not giving myself enough time to mentally prepare for what I would see when I opened his door. I grabbed the knob, and turned, blowing out a shaky breath as I pushed it open. “Lucian?”
He was sat on his bed, his back to me. One look at him, and the room misted. I held my hand over my mouth and willed my horror not to come out in a huge burst. His skin was red, scraped, and scratched far worse than I’d seen it before, even under the dim light of the lamps. Dark patches created watercolor style patterns, blending into each other as though trying to form one large mass. His round shoulders were hunched forward, and his head was down.
I gently closed the door, and took slow steps around the bed. “Lucian,” I breathed out. “Oh, god.” I reached his front, and I crouched down before him, taking note of the gauze taped to the side of his face, covering his left cheekbone and his brow. He lifted his head a fraction, giving me a good look at the lips I so desperately wanted to feel against mine. They were puffy, swollen on one side and split on the other, with blood already clotting within the cut.
I lifted my hand and placed it against his right cheek, careful not to press against the damaged surface.
“I’m fine,” he said, his voice low and quiet. His hands gripped the covers on the bed. “It looks worse than it feels. It was a clean fight, and I walked out as promised.”
“You did,” I replied, shakily. There was something in his eyes, a distant look that saw right through me as though I wasn’t there. “Do you need to go to the hospital?” I scanned his torso, taking in every cut and blackened area, right down to the oddly shaped swelling on his middle knuckle. It looked like it could be broken.
“No, Luca. I just need to rest, that’s all. I’ll be fine.”
“You don’t look fine,” I said, no longer able to hide how seeing him like that was twisting me up inside, eating away at me and wearing me down.
Lucian finally saw me, his silver irises staring at me like he didn’t know what to do with me, like he wanted to hold me like he usually would, but was stopping himself from doing just that, and I didn’t know why. “But I am. It was a good fight—close, but I won.”
“I don’t like seeing you like this,” I cried, softly smoothing my hands over his shoulders and moving closer to hold him to me. I rested my face toward his neck. “Who would let things go this far?”
“The kind of people who give no fucks,” he replied. His hands pressed against my lower back, stroking up and down, and I felt his warm breath against my hair before he inhaled deeply. “The kind of people that pay good money to see me fight.”
Grace’s words came back to me, every little detail about Murphy, about how she watched him change before her eyes. I swore Lucian wasn’t the same, and now I was right, but not in a good way. Lucian wasn’t the same guy that I’d left a few days before, the one that wouldn’t let me leave without making sure I walked away with my knees about to give out under me. I understood he was injured far worse than I’d seen him before, but he was acting like he was just waiting for me to let go of him.
“Grace told me about Murphy,” I whispered, and Lucian’s hands stilled. “You were friends.”
His fingers dug into my sides and he pushed me away. “What did she say?” he asked, his marred jaw ticking and his eyes flashing with anger.
“She said he was a fighter too.” Could I tell him I knew? With how he was looking at me, I didn’t think that was a wise decision. After everything he kept from me, I trusted he had a fucking good reason, and one of those was what Grace had told me. We’d be in deep shit, so I had to be careful.
“What else? I know she didn’t just say that, Luca, Grace never leaves things just like that.”
“Lucian, what’s gotten into you?” I asked, backing away. He hadn’t spoken like that since Grace had tried to come between us the first time.
“Tell me what she told you!” he yelled, and I jumped. His expression changed for less than a split-second, then right back to pure rage.
“He died!” I yelled back. “My dad is investigating his death, Lucian, and she wanted me to know that he was your friend, and that you could end up that way if you keep fighting.” I lied about that last part because it was through my own selfishness that I wanted him to stop. He’d said he couldn’t, but there was always a way, and I just had to convince him of it.
“I like fighting!” he shot back. “I got into this long before you showed up.”
“I know, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it!” I closed the gap between us and held his face again. “I don’t want you to end up like him,” I sobbed, my chest shaking as my eyes streamed.
“I won’t because I know what I’m doing,” he growled. “Murphy didn’t. He signed up for something he wasn’t ready for.”
I begged him, “Please, Lucian, you could stop doing it this way.”
He pushed me back and rose from the bed, then stepped away from me, his footsteps stamping across the floor in loud thuds. “I don’t want to.”
“Then you could actually join a club—a real club,” I urged, desperately, then rushed out, “You said you’ve been doing this for a while, you could go professional, get a team, be safe—”
“Don’t you think I would’ve done that if I fucking want
ed to?” he roared, and I fell back on my ass with fright. His face twisted with rage, and his mouth curled into an ugly snarl. “Are you so fucking stupid that you can’t see this is what I want?”
I scrambled to my knees and then to my feet while his fiery glare burned into me. “I’m not stupid, Lucian. I just don’t want to lose you. It makes me feel sick just thinking about you standing there, waiting for the other guy to attack you.” I’d seen the kinds of movies like that, and even though they were heavily choreographed for effect, it was nothing compared to the truth.
He laughed, and it was a guttural sound that curdled the contents of my stomach. “You think I just stand and wait to get my ass kicked? Jesus fucking Christ, do you think the guy I just fucked up waited for me to snap his jaw in two, Luca? No, he fucking didn’t, but I did it anyway, and he won’t be able to eat solid food for a fucking long time.” He jabbed his finger toward the window. “The second that bell rings, I’m ready to cut that fucker down. I don’t care how it happens, or what I have to do, my goal is to inflict as much pain as possible until he can’t take any more.”
“You like doing that?” I took a few steps back toward the door, fear clawing it’s way up inside me at the stranger standing there in front of me. He looked like my Lucian, he smelled like my Lucian, but he was not my Lucian right then.
“Fuck, yeah,” he snarled. “And if you can’t handle that, then you know where the door is.”
My heart stuttered in my chest, Grace’s prediction coming true so fast it was making my head spin. I held my stomach as it tightened painfully. “What are you saying?”
Lucian shook his head. “I’m saying, that no matter what you say, I’m not gonna stop. You didn’t have to fucking come here. I warned you about me from the start, but you wouldn’t fucking listen. All you saw was the guy who’d pulled you out of the water, and you refused to see anything else.” He threw his arms wide while I fought the urge to throw up. “This is me, baby—the fighter. The one and only Luscious, so if you don’t like it, then fuck off!”
I doubled over, barely strong enough to lift my head to keep my eyes on him. I remembered back to the time he told me I was his. “You said…you said we had a deal, and that you don’t break deals.”
A sly smile spread across his lips, the final blow coming right for me, and when he opened his mouth, he took aim and he fired. “Well, there’s a first time for everything. Isn’t that right, Luca?”
“You’re an asshole,” I whispered. I stood straight, pain tearing through me as I forced myself to look into his cold eyes while I attempted to control my jagged breaths. I gripped the solid ‘L’ in my hand and tore the necklace away from my chest while the stabbing pains intensified. I lifted it high and launched it across the room, releasing a scream as I did.
Lucian rolled his eyes and took a breath. “Are you done?” he sighed as though he was beyond bored.
I was shaking, no part of me left that could hide the sheer agony he’d inflicted on me in just a couple of minutes. “I loved you,” I stated, my lips trembling as I tried to form a coherent sentence. “I want you to know that before I walked in here tonight, I was so in love with you I could hardly breathe. Every day, I was so excited to see you, the anticipation building inside of me when I knew you would be waiting. The look in your eyes when I pulled up in your garage, or got in whatever car you were driving when you picked me up… I lived for the moments we could be alone, where you made me feel like I was the only thing that existed in your world right then.” I blew out a dry laugh and shook my head, feeling warm drops splash against my arms. “You were everything to me, Lucian, and no matter how bad things were, or could’ve been, I wanted to be with you. I was so willing to ignore the obvious things you didn’t want me to know, just so we could stay together, but I see now that risking your life means so much more to you than I do.” I turned away and walked to the door, holding out my unsteady hand and gripping the door knob as if it were the only thing keeping me up. I looked back at him over my shoulder, seeing the ice-cold stare in his emotionless eyes. “I’d wish you peace and happiness, Lucian, but clearly I’d be wasting my breath.”
I slammed his door and pressed my back against the wall, my throat constricting as I held in my cries. I didn’t want him to hear the shattering of my heart exploding out of my mouth.
Hold it in, Luca.
I clutched at my T-shirt, yanked the white neckline up to dry my face, soaking the fabric as I couldn’t stop the flow. I had to get out of there fast, and I ran toward the stairs, gripped the bannister, and jogged down. I reached the bottom, and I tripped over my unstable feet, falling too quick to steady myself, slamming my knees down, then striking the solid marble with my cheek. The fall enabled a wail to escape, and as I lay there, my face surrounded by my loose hair, I clenched my fists tight. I growled as I forced my legs to get up, to move and get me out of that fucking house and away from Lucian Moretz.
“Luca, fuck, are you okay?” Brady said, gripping my arms and pulling me up. He took one look at my face and he paled. “What happened?”
“Don’t fucking touch me,” I snapped, yanking my arms out of his grip. “Just leave me alone. I never want to see any of you ever again.” I pushed him away, leaving him standing there with his mouth agape. I used every bit of my strength to open the enormous front door, and darted to my car.
Once the door closed, I let everything out. I cried so hard my throat was on fire and my saliva had turn to glue, sticking to my lips like paste. My eyes stung, the sensations of tiny pins sticking into me every time I blinked. I rummaged in the glove compartment for tissues, finding the last one there, along with an empty condom wrapper. I looked down at the torn packet, seeing the severed edge where Lucian had been so eager to open it, he tore it apart with his teeth.
I crumpled it in my hand and opened the window, hurling it toward the door. “You son of a bitch!” I screamed, then pulled together what energy I had left to drive home.
I stopped the car outside the house, but it wasn’t where I lived. The light from inside shone into my swollen eyes, temporarily blinding me.
“Luca!” Grace called out, sprinting to the car. “Come inside, babe, and tell me what the fuck happened.”
I don’t know how I got there, but Grace had somehow guided me from the car to her room, and I found myself laying down on her bed while she told my mom I was staying over at her house. I’d mumbled a few details as I blubbed while she held an ice pack to my cheekbone, and a cold washcloth over my reddened knees.
“Everything you said,” I whispered, “he did.” My body was wracked with sobs again, and I curled up into a ball while my shoulders jerked up and down, over and over.
Grace sat next to me and pulled me toward her, holding me to her chest and stroking my hair while I cried in her arms.
“It was perfect,” I whispered. “Being with him, my first time, it wasn’t like you said.”
“I know,” she soothed, her voice thick. “Mine wasn’t either. Being with Murphy was…” Grace sniffled and cleared her throat. “I am sorry about everything I did to you, and not saying anything sooner. If I had, then—”
“It wouldn’t have made any difference,” I cut in. “I only saw him, and that was all that mattered.”
Grace kissed the top of my head, then rested her cheek against my hair. “We were both caught up, Lu, and this is the price we pay.”
We gripped onto each other while we let out our pain, the torture of having our hearts ripped out and shredded into tiny pieces and being replaced with nothing but sharp blades that continued to cut us up from the inside. Our sobs became one long sound of torment that continued on until the sun came up.
*****
“When he never returned my calls, I told him enough was enough.”
“Hm?” I hadn’t been listening to Paige, just caught a few words here and there that didn’t make any sense. “What are we talking about again?”
She huffed and shot her eyes toward the sky
. “Leon! Have you not being paying attention to anything I’ve said?”
“Sorry, I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”
Her lips formed a tight line, her expression falling with sympathy. “I know, and I’m sorry. That was insensitive of me. How’s Grace doing?”
“Not too good,” I said, looking down as people stared on their way past. “She’s still hurting over it.” It had been a few months since his death, but now that the details were refreshed, so was the grieving process. I wiped under my eyes and focused on the ground.
The news had been on everybody’s lips. Murphy’s name and picture had been released to the public, asking for any information that could help the police with their investigations. Although Murphy’s face was front and center, the picture they’d used was of him and Grace—her face was blurred out, but everybody knew about her relationship.
“I guess it hits closer to home when your dad’s the one on the case,” she said while nodding slowly.
“Yeah, I guess so.” My dad couldn’t say anything about it, but it was clear he and his team were getting nowhere fast. I cleared my throat, determined no to bring Lucian to my mind. The second his dimpled smile cropped up, it was like a sword running through me, taking my breath away and holding me hostage until I could swallow down the pain. “Oh, here.” I dug into my pocket and pulled out fifty bucks. “For gas.”
“You still want me to give you a ride?”
“Yeah, if that’s okay?” I couldn’t get into my car. I couldn’t bring myself to get behind the wheel in case my mind switched off and I drove over to his place. It wouldn’t be to talk it over, to find out why he turned on me that way. No, from the way I felt, it would be to burn the fucking place down. Every time I thought back to how he looked at me, what he said to me, it tore me apart all over again and consumed with heart stabbing grief.
She threaded her arm through mine and we walked out of the school building. “Of course, Miss Daisy. Now, I have to get this off my chest, or I’m going to combust.”
