"How? What do you think you could've done? It's on me. No matter how you twist or turn it, it's my fault."
"No. It's not." He squeezes my shoulder. "You were just a boy. She shouldn't have put that on you. Please tell me your mother changed her tune when you showed her the letter."
I shake my head. "No one ever saw it. No one, except Luna's mother and the police. I handed it over to them so they could make Les pay for what he did, but he took off. Her mother thanked me, and then she was gone, too. Moved out of the state last I heard.
Everyone else, they all blamed me. I heard it all through school. They decided I got her pregnant and dumped her. No one ever suspected she killed herself. They assumed she was looking for an escape to deal with the pain I put her in. I never bothered to clear the record. I didn't want to mar her memory. Only Noah stood by me. He's the only one that took my side."
"Oh, Cooper."
"I don't need you're fucking pity."
He shakes his head. It's not pity. But you can't blame yourself. And if she was here, she'd want you to be happy."
"No she wouldn't. She wouldn't want me to love anyone but her."
"Son, she understood pain, and if she loved you as much as she said, she'd never want to see you in this kind of pain. She'd want you to be happy with Selene."
He doesn't know what he's talking about. "I just need to know I'm not responsible for the death of another girl I love."
"You love her then?"
I know for sure, without a doubt. I've known all along and wonder why I ever doubted it. "Yes. I love Selene."
*
It takes forever from the time we touch down until they open the door and I can escape.
"I'm driving," Noah insists.
"I want to get there today."
"Very funny." He slaps the back of my head.
"Seriously, Noah, I need to get to her. Now."
I toss Lexi my car keys. She, my father and Stephan will wait for the luggage and meet us at the hospital. I don't know how long it takes for us to get there. I think I've aged years on the drive over. Once the car is parked, I rush from the parking garage to the information desk, with Noah close behind.
Selene is up in the maternity ward. Her condition is stable. That's all I know. The old woman manning the desk won't give me any details. She won't tell me anything about the baby, I'm left in the dark. And worst of all, she won't let me up.
"Visiting hours start in an hour and a half."
"But I'm the father." That has to pull some weight.
"I'm sorry, sir. Fathers are given wrist bands so they can come and go as they please and we can easily identify them.
"I was out of town, and she delivered early." I'm leaning in over the desk, and the old bat looks nervous. She should be, I'm about to jump over the desk, push her out of the way and look Selene up myself.
"Maybe if you call the nurse's station on the maternity ward?" Noah says slipping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me back. "We rushed here from a wedding ceremony in California, and he's been worried sick. You can see, we're still dressed in our tuxedos."
"Oh." The woman says as if a lightbulb just lit her whole fucking brain. "Well congratulations. Marriage is a big step."
Congratulations. Shit. The uncomfortable look on her face, tells me she thinks Noah and I got married. I give my friend who still has his arm slung over my shoulder a sideward glance. Well played.
"I didn't realize. Okay, let me call ahead and inform them that you're coming. Unfortunately I'll only be able to let one of you up," she says focusing on Noah. "Oh, and Sir," she turns back to me. "If you're lying you won't be allowed back."
"Understood."
Chapter 26
I don't know if the old crab called up and they're expecting me, or if they're a lot less lax about the rules up here because Old Battle Axe keeps the people out, but no one stops me except to wish me good morning or say hello. I pass the nursery on my way to her room. I want to stop and look in, but I can't. Right now my focus is on Selene. I don't know what kind of shape she's in. I need to deal with her first, then I can get the details about my child.
My child.
Warmth spreads through my chest. It's the first time I thought of it as a child, instead of something alien and vile. My baby. How could I ever have thought of it as anything but?
The door to Selene's room is open. My heart stops as I stand just outside and take it all in. She looks peaceful lying with her eyes closed in the bed. It's the leads and wires running from her to various machines and monitors that steal my breath. When I heard she was stable, I thought that meant she was fine and didn't need these things. I didn't expect the IV, the blood pressure cuff monitoring her regularly, or the nasal cannula. My eyes start to water. I squeeze them tight, trying to fight my emotions and keep them under control.
"She had a rough night." I turn to the voice beside me.
"Is she . . ." I try to swallow down my fear. "Is she okay?"
"Go on in," the nurse says walking away without answering my question.
I pull a chair right up to the side of the bed and reach for the hand resting beside her. It's warm. Warm is good. I breathe a little easier. I trail my fingers over hers, careful to avoid the needle sticking out of the area just above it.
"You might not believe this," I say staring at her, willing her to open her eyes. "But even now, you're the most beautiful woman in the world. I've missed you so much, baby."
Tears start to fall. I let them. Something happened on the plane when I told my father about Luna. I feel like I've been ripped open and shred to pieces. All the love I've been trying to deny, trying to fight, rose to the surface like a torrential flood. I love Luna. Still. Even though she tore me apart inside. I'll always feel guilty for turning my back and failing her. But that's doesn't even touch the surface of how I feel for Selene. She's my world, my universe. I'll walk through fire to save her, because nothing exists for me without her. And I will not fail her ever again.
"I don't know if you figured it out yet or not, but I'm not good with words. People tend to think I am because I ramble on so much, but it's just a facade. See, I'm nervous because I don't know what to say, so I compensate by using a fancy word."
No response.
"I'm sorry doesn't come close to how I feel or what I want to say. And the truth is I'm so tired of apologizing to you. Not that I haven't owed you every apology, but I don't want to fuck up and have to apologize anymore." I shake my head, hoping she can't hear me, because I sound like the same selfish asshole I've been since I met her. "What I mean is I don't want to mess up anymore. I want to be better. I want to be worthy of your love."
Her fingers curl around my hand, but her eyes are still closed. She hears me. She knows I'm here and she's responding to me. I jump up and move closer to the bed. I half sit on the bed, bring her hand up to my lips and kiss it gently, while stroking the side of her face with the other hand.
"I hit rock bottom last night. In every possible way. The worst part was thinking I lost you, and waiting to get to you felt like a slow death. I realized my life doesn't mean anything if you’re not in it. You're what makes my world beautiful. You're the smell of fresh cut grass, and watermelon in the summer. You're the delicious bubbles in champagne and the color in a rainbow. Selene, you are everything. Everything I want. Everything I need. And right now, what I need more than anything is for you to open your eyes and forgive me one last time."
The nurse I met outside her door a few minutes ago pushes something into the room. It's like a small dresser, with a clear tub on top of it. My pulse sprints when I look at the tiny bundle wrapped in a pink and blue teddy bear blanket being transported.
My mouth is dry. I can't speak, and the tears I thought I got under control bombard me. It's the baby. Our baby. I want to reach out for it, but I'm afraid. I've never held one, and I don't want to do it wrong.
"Time to wake up, Selene," the nurse says opening the blanket the tiny bundle is wra
pped in and changing the diaper. "Your son is looking to eat."
"Son? We have a son?" I look from the nurse to Selene and back.
"Oww, Cooper, you're squeezing so tight, you're hurting me," Selene pulls her hand out of my grasp as her blue eyes flicker open.
I don't care, I'm so happy to see those crystal blue orbs, nothing else matters.
"We have a son?"
"Yes. We have a son," Selene answers.
"May I see him?" I ask the nurse. "Please?"
"Of course." She carries him around to me on the other side of the bed.
He's so tiny, and perfect. His miniature hand is fisted and rubbing against his gums, and a frantic cry is coming out of his little mouth. I'm in awe that I had any part in the creation of this perfect little being.
"Would you like to hold him?"
Again I look to both women, making sure they're okay with it.
"Go wash your hands," the nurse nudges her head toward a sink behind me.
Once I'm clean, I stand next to the nurse and listen attentively as she transfers the baby to my arms.
"The most important thing is to keep his head supported."
I nod as I look down into the clear blue eyes of my son. "He's so beautiful. Hey little guy. I'm your daddy." I say looking down into his tiny face. "He's so tiny. Is that okay?"
"He's a little on the small side, but nothing to worry about," the nurse answers.
"He's early though. Is he fully developed?"
She smiles at me, and I can't help feeling like she's calling me an idiot in her head. It's okay, lady. I am an idiot. I should've been better prepared, but I'm trying to make up for that now"
"He's only a few weeks early. He's not a premie, and he's doing fine. Now, he does need to eat." She lifts my son from my arms, and I feel like a piece of me is gone.
I stand back and watch as the nurse and Selene open one side of the hospital gown and work to get the baby latched on to his mother. Lucky kid.
The nurse leaves to go get me a wrist band. It gives us time to spend together and bond with our child.
Our child.
I think if I opened the window and jumped off the ledge I'd soar like an eagle. The thoughts of a baby, and family used to bring with them the feeling of a noose tightening around my neck. Right now those same thoughts are the only things that make sense in my life. This is absolutely what I want and where I want to be.
"Are you comfortable? Can I get you anything?" I ask feeling useless.
Selene shakes her head. "I'm surprised you're here."
"Where else would I be?"
She cocks her eyebrow up, and I know I have it coming. I don't care. I want to hash it all out here and now so we can move on, move forward.
"Honestly, anywhere but here."
I stroke her hair, "I'm sorry I haven't been around."
"You're talking about the last three weeks, what about the six months before that?"
"Maybe I needed that time to grow up."
"It's not just me anymore. I have him to think of. If I make the wrong choice it could hurt him for the rest of his life. And then he might end up like you."
Ouch.
I cup her cheek. "I can't be that bad. You did fall in love with me."
"Yeah, I'm an idiot."
I laugh and kiss the top of her head. "No. You're one of the smartest women I know. And I'm betting somehow, you still love me. And Selene, you might not believe it, but even from the beginning, from the first night I brought you home I wanted to be better for you. I just didn't know how."
"And now you do?"
"Now I am better, because of you. Because of him. I don't have a choice. I don't want a life without you both in it. That longing, that love, they make the fear I let control me insignificant."
"This is your last chance at freedom. That's what you really want. To come and go as you please, with whomever you feel like being with at the moment."
"No. It's what I thought I wanted. But the problem is, it never made me happy. I felt happiness I never did with you. Why don't you ask the question that's really on your mind."
"Fine. How many girls were you with out there before you realized you want me?"
"None."
She blinks but doesn't say anything.
"As in not a single one. I tried to call you, but you wouldn't take my calls."
"I couldn't." Her eyes tear.
"It's okay." I swipe her tears away with my thumbs. "I buried myself in work with my father and Stephan. I had the opportunity to see who my father really is. And you know what I found? He's everything I remember him being as a kid. He let me talk, or mope. He gave me room to think and he was there when I needed him. Maybe I needed to be reminded of what it means to be a father, because I didn't think I had it in me."
"You're making my head hurt."
I smile at her. "Look, I know I'm still going to make mistakes, but at least I have my father to go to for advice. And I have you to help me muddle through being a parent. And after being faced with losing you both, it doesn't scare me anymore. The thing I find terrifying right now is the thought that I might have come to my senses too late. That's one mistake I can't live with. Please, tell me it's not too late."
"I need time to think."
"I understand. Just as long as you're not kicking me away and running to Mateo while you sort it all out."
"You were right about him wanting more from me." My chest tightens. I clamp my mouth shut as I listen to her. "He got mad that I didn't want his name on the birth certificate. I couldn’t. Not without your consent."
"Yeah, well that's never going to happen."
"Cooper, there's something else I need to know."
"What's that?"
"You're standing here declaring your love for me, meanwhile you have a tattoo on your shoulder for some other woman. You have nightmares about her and call her name out in your sleep, but you refuse to tell me anything about her. I need to understand what happened with Luna."
I hang my head. I've done this once today, I'm hoping this time it won't be as hard. "I'm sorry I was such a jerk about her before. It just hurt so much to even think about her. And I was afraid if you knew, you'd hate me. Because when I think of her, I hate me."
"Are you willing to talk about her now?"
"I'm willing to do whatever it takes because the thought of losing you hurts more." I look away and take a deep breath before I start on Luna. "She was my first love. My first everything really. She was in danger and she needed my help. I found out she cheated on me.”
“She got pregnant and claimed it was yours?”
I run my hand through my hair, stalling. “Yeah. It was her ex’s. But it didn’t matter. By that time I turned my back on her and she’d been raped by her stepfather. In the end she killed herself."
"Aww, Cooper. I’m so sorry."
I hold my hand up to stop her. I don't need her pity. I need to own up to how I let my past with Luna sabotage my future with Selene.
"I've lived with that guilt for a lot of years. I still hate myself for not doing anything to help her. But I realize now, I couldn't save her. Her life was far too screwed up long before I ever came into it. But I couldn't see that before. The deeper and harder I fell for you, the guiltier I felt about what happened to Luna. I couldn't separate my feelings for you from my guilt over her. They'd mix and mingle, and I was terrified I'd end up losing you too, and I couldn't live with that."
She reaches over and squeezes my hand.
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Are you sure about that?" I know I shouldn't push, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't. "You said you needed time. I'm willing to give it to you."
"I don't need time. I know I want to spend my life with you."
I dip my head and I close my eyes, allowing the relief, the love, and the happiness those words bring, to wash over me.
"Are you okay?" She asks.
"I'm better than okay. I'm fucking fabulous." I stand and kiss th
e top of her head.
"I'm feeling really tired all of a sudden. Do you want to hold your son?"
"Can you help get him settled in my arms?"
I realize we had a few girl's names we both liked, but we hadn’t agreed on any boys names.
"We need a name for him."
"I already have one." She smiles at me. "I want to name him after his father."
"Cooper junior? I guess we can call him CJ, that’s cute."
She shakes her head. "No. Not Cooper."
I hold my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I realize, even if it does and she confesses right now that he isn't mine, it won't change anything. I love her too much, and I'm already crazy in love with him.
"I was thinking more along the lines of Jaxson Stone Sutton."
"Jaxson? Really?"
"Really. I know you don't think you're a hero, but I always will."
Chapter 27
I look down at Jaxson sleeping in my arms. I don't want to put him down ever. I'm letting Selene rest for a few minutes before we're bombarded by my family. She warned me when her parents show up they're going to look to cut my junk off. It's okay, I'll own up to every mistake I made. I know I have a lot of fences to mend.
With Jaxson still in my arms, I pull my cell phone from my pocket. There are a couple of calls I need to make. The first is to Troy. I think of what I'm going to say as I listen to the phone ring. I should start with an apology.
"What's up, Coop?"
"Hey man. I'm a father. Can you believe it?"
"Not really,"
I take a deep breath. Here goes. "Hey. I want to apologize for what went down at the shower."
"It's cool. I was out of line."
"No. I shouldn't have spoken to Marlena like that."
Silence.
"Will you apologize to her for me?"
"Yeah, sure."
Another long, heavy silence.
"Troy, is everything okay?"
"Yeah, why?"
"It's just, whenever I say anything about her, I don't know, you seem to weird out on me. You know what ever happened with her, it was only the one time and it happened before you guys got together."
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