“It sounds like he pulled a real bitch move. I don’t know what his issues are, but he had no right to make you feel that way. My guess? He’s got his own baggage and shit to deal with, you guys had something, and he’s scared. When guys feel shit, they get stupid.”
Bethany stared at the comforter tracing the geometric pattern with her eyes. Kyle's father had just died. What he was going to do now was kind of like the months following when she left home. When she'd left her parents and Anthony, she’d been at a loss. She’d been angry and hurt, and definitely not the best version of herself.
For the last year that she’d been around Kyle, she felt like she knew him. Or at least part of him. The last days she’d seen him come out of a hard shell that he’d been hiding in for a year. The kinds of things he’d had to endure caring for his father were things she couldn’t begin to imagine. But deep down, he was a protect her. That was why he cared for his father, that was why he did what he did, that was why he was here. And now he was protecting her from himself. Because he thought he was another bad apple. Bad apples didn't care for fathers. Bad apples didn’t drop what they were doing to help someone else. Kyle was not a bad apple.
Kyle was one of the good guys.
Bethany slid off the bed and stood.
“I need to go talk to Kyle.”
“Give him hell,” Faith called after her.
KYLE STARED AT THE gear spread out on the bed. It was different than what their team normally carried on an opp. Typically their gear was about protecting the body. They didn’t care if they stuck out. In fact, sometimes it worked to their benefit if they looked intimidating. This time around, their gear was different. Instead of green body armor, their gear more about blending in and not drawing attention. Instead of sick, bulky tactical vests, the stuff they had was thinner and easier to wear under a T-shirt.
The gear wasn’t any less effective because it didn’t look intimidating. It would still do the job. But Kyle couldn't shake the feeling that he wanted to put the girls in a steel box somewhere safe.
If he was really being honest with himself, he wanted Bethany away from this. So far she’d been shielded from the worst of everything, but he needs that couldn’t last. He couldn’t protect her from everything. Especially not him. He didn’t know how long they would have to be in this house, but it was going to be longer than his resolve could last.
He liked her. It wasn’t just that she had taken care of his dad, it was who she was. He’d stayed on his side of the proverbial line and watched her for over a year be the kindest human being he’d ever met. It didn’t matter what his dad said to her, the things he threw or anything else, smile at him and tell him she'd be back tomorrow. Kyle didn’t know if it was sweet or if she needed a lesson in self preservation.
The bedroom door swung open and the object of his focus walked into the room.
Bethany shoved the door shut with a side and glared at him.
Had she finally come to the same conclusion he did that last night was a mistake?
He reached up and muted his comm before either of them could speak.
“We have to talk.” She planted her hands on her hips. It was like the neon sign telling him he was in trouble.
The longer they went without having this conversation, the better.
“I was hoping to talk to you and the others. We spoke to the FBI earlier, and they're going to offer us help.” Kyle sat on the end of the bed.
“I don’t care about that.” Bethany shook her head. “What you said in the car is wrong and misinformed. There is no evidence that predisposes a person like you from growing to your father. Yes, hurting people hurt people, I know that. But you’re different. You aren’t like your dad, and pretending like you could be, that because of who your dad is that makes you damaged goods means I am too. I refuse to believe that what happened to you growing up, and what happened to me because of my ex-boyfriend, means we’re locked into this future. I don’t want that, I don’t believe that, and you have no reason to either. Everyone get second chances. We all have a choice in the matter. You can choose to be like your dad. From the looks of it, you've chosen already.”
Shit.
“I didn’t — that’s not what I meant.” Kyle stood.
“Really? Because that's what you said in the car.”
“You misunderstood.” As soon as those two words were out of his mouth knew they were a mistake.
“I misunderstood?” All the sweetness he’d seen in Bethany was gone. “What else did I misunderstand?”
“That’s not what I meant. Shit.” He shoved a hand through his hair.
“Well if you don’t know what’s going on how can I?”
“Bethany, that's not fair. You know what I meant.”
“And what you meant means you think I am just as damaged as you.” If she wasn’t so angry he’d call her beautiful the way she drew herself up and stared down at him. Bethany maybe sweet, but that didn’t mean she couldn't bite his head off.
“You aren’t. What happened to you was out of your control.”
“And having a dad who abused you was your choice?”
“Of course not. But it’s different.” It had to be. He had to have a reason to keep a distance between them. She didn’t see it, there were times when Kyle saw his father in himself. What happened if one day that part of him took over? What then?
“Bull shit.” Bethany took a step toward him and stopped.
“Bethany...”
“What happened between us was good. I’m not afraid to admit I wanted it. I should, because I know I’m not the best version of myself right now. But it doesn’t change the fact that we were good together. I refuse to accept your cheapened version of the truth. I am better than what happened to me. What happened to me does not define I am. You're choosing to let your father's action dictate who you are, then you're right. I don't want to be with someone like that.”
Kyle felt her words like a punch to his gut.
He wanted her in his life.
Against better judgment there it was.
He wanted her. And in his attempt to protect her from him, he’d hurt her.
“Beth? Shit.” He closed his eyes.
He never meant to make her feel like the fuck up here. He’d said what came to mind without regard to what she’d been through or how his words would make her feel. Maybe he should be alone. Maybe he wasn’t good enough for her. But she was here now.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
Bethany stared at him as though she didn’t believe him.
“You’re right. I fucked up.” He glanced down at his hands and the scar on his wrist from that broken arm was almost invisible now. “I just... Sometimes I think about the past and I feel like I could be him.”
“He was your dad, but he also chose to be a shitty person to you. And your mom. It doesn’t mean you have to be like that. Being worried that you might be like him is what sets you apart.”
“When did you get so smart?”
“Therapy.” She smiled, but it faded fast. “When I left home, I went to one of those women’s shelters. They did group sessions.”
And he’d made her feel like that was all she’d ever be.
He was a dick.
His insides crumpled and if he could have smacked himself, he would have.
“Beth? I’m sorry.”
“For what? Being sorry is great an all, but what are you sorry for?” She wasn’t going to let him off the hook.
Good for her.
Bethany had fought for that backbone and she deserved to demand better.
“For what I said in the Jeep. For making you feel like... For being a jackass.”
“That’s a good start,” she said.
A start?
Was this how she managed his dad for the last year?
“I want you to be better. I want you to see yourself the way others see you, but you’re never going to separate yourself from your dad if you don’t try. You’re a good
guy, Kyle. You’re better than the man who raised you. I bet your mom would be proud of you.” She took another step toward him.
She wasn’t running, and he’d tried to show her his worst.
He reached out, and she took his hand, threading their fingers together.
“I thought you had a rule about guys?” He tugged her closer still.
“Dating. I’ve got a rule about dating.”
“Oh, I see.”
That wasn’t what she’d said before, but he could work with this.
BETHANY SHOULD STILL be at least a little angry. Letting him off the hook this easy wasn’t doing either of them any favors, but he’d apologized so earnestly. Could she believe that?
She hated that she even had to ask herself that question. This was how Anthony ruined her. She couldn’t trust herself when it came to men. But Faith and Megan were on board with this idea so that had to mean something?
“I really am sorry, Beth.” Kyle’s hand stroked her back.
When had they gotten this close?
Just like last night it was as if she’d been pulled so far into his orbit that all her thoughts scattered. Everything kind of stopped and her whole focus became those lips that scar just below his nose, his eyes.
“It’s okay. This time. What you’ve been through? No one should have to go through that.”
“I had you,” he said.
“You know what I mean.” She ducked her head.
“I mean it. I wouldn’t have gotten through this last year without you.” His arm around her waist tightened bringing her in closer.
She laid her free hand on his chest and peered up at him. The Kyle she was growing to know was a kinder, gentler man despite what he’d lived through. Those were his choices even if he didn’t realize it yet.
He bent his head and pressed his lips to her brow.
Bethany closed her eyes, soaking up the touch.
They’d had each other, but not in a close, personal sense. Until now. She’d stayed on for him because when she saw him in those quiet, private moments when he didn’t know she was still there, she saw who he really was. He hadn’t asked her to do anything. In fact, they’d barely spoken unless she’d initiated a conversation and always about his dad. They’d both put the other in a neat, easily defined box to protect themselves out of fear.
She was afraid of repeating her mistakes.
He was afraid of becoming his father.
Kyle squeezed her, and she laid her head on his shoulder.
“We could be here a long time.” He leaned back and looked down at her. “I don’t want us to tip toe around each other. It’ll make our time here miserable.”
“I’m good if you’re good,” she said.
“Are you?” His unwavering stare was dialed up to intense again.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I’ve been attracted to you since the day you walked up the driveway. You had a pencil shoved in your bun. You don’t normally do that.”
“Oh.” She blinked at him.
That day was etched into her mind, but not for the same reasons.
She’d been running late because she had paused to cry in the car. A patient was close to the end. Some deaths hit her harder than others. She’d parked a few houses down to dry her face and try to get rid of the splotchy color. When she’d finally arrived, it was all she could do to not turn and run. He’d stood there, arms crossed over his chest with that stony stare.
“I’m going for honesty here,” he said.
“I didn’t like you anywhere near that fast. I think I went home after meeting you and told my roommates I was never going back.” It was a refrain she said at least once a month about someone, so harder to recall exactly.
“Ouch. Was Dad that bad?”
“It was you. You had that...look you get. The I’m-scary-and-intimidating look.”
“Damn.” He winced. “What made you stay?”
“I came back because my supervisor begged me to. I came by late that day.”
“After dinner. I was damn glad to see you. I thought you weren’t coming at all.”
“I think I sat in my car and gave myself a pep talk.” She chuckled. “Afterward I had to go to the car to get some forms they needed you to sign. I came back and saw you putting your dad to bed. He said something to you and you just took it in stride. That’s when I wondered if the look wasn’t for me, it was for him.”
Kyle’s face changed. It wasn’t an obvious change. He didn’t frown or glare at her. It was as if he drew himself up into a tight, little ball, leaving the rest of him cold.
“That’s when I realized we were kind of the same. I decided it didn’t matter what your dad did or said to me, I was going to stay on until the end. Because no one should have to go through that, but you didn’t get a choice. I know that sounds like...”
“Charity.”
“Yes, but—hurting people hurt people. I wanted to make the end easier for both of you. And along the way I realized you weren’t that scary guy. You were nice. Caring and compassionate, even for a man who didn’t deserve you. And sometime after realizing that I started to have a little crush on you.”
“A little one?”
“Hey, I’m not supposed to crush on anyone right now.”
He paused, his mouth open as if he were about to speak, but his gaze was distant.
“What?” she asked.
“I want to continue having this conversation, but...” He pointed at his ear. “I’ve got to go do my job. You can come to the office with me if you want. I’m on shift with Shane until two.”
“Oh.” She pulled her arms from around his waist. They weren’t just two people ironing out the wrinkles between them.
Kyle cupped her face in his hand and lifted her chin. He pressed his mouth to hers in a warm, soft kiss. She sighed and leaned into it.
A kiss didn’t break the rules according to the others. It wasn’t a date.
14.
SATURDAY. AEGIS GROUP Safe House, Seattle, Washington.
Kyle strode into the office keenly aware of the squeak that meant Bethany was returning to the girl’s den and not joining him in the living room. It was probably for the best. If she was out here he’d be focused on her and not the job at hand. His priorities were all fucked up.
Shane glanced up at him.
“Sorry to interrupt,” he said.
“Don’t worry about it. You want me to do the patrol, or do you want to get up and stretch?”
“I’d like to stretch and have a look. Ian, Ryan and Vito are in position and settled in for the night. They’ll rotate out a little after two so we aren’t all shifting at the same time.”
“Good call.” It was the kind of thing Kyle should have told Shane to do if he were in his right mind. “Hey, when are you sending out final details about the wedding? I was hoping I could use frequent flier miles.”
“Fuck.” Shane scrubbed his hand across his face. “This week, I hope.”
“Having regrets?”
“Hell no. Planning a destination wedding is a pain in the ass. We should have stuck with the idea of doing the wedding on one trip and the migratory assistance on another. Combining the two... I’m going to need a lot to drink.”
Kyle chuckled and stared at the desk.
Shane and his fiancé, Lacey, had met during an op in Jamaica. The Alpha Team had been sent to rescue a pair of newlyweds and there was Lacey. She’d helped them and in turn they’d helped her. When Shane and Lacey had taken up after returning to the states no one had been more surprised than Kyle. The pair were utter opposites and completely in love.
“May I ask you a personal question?” Kyle braced his hand on the door.
“Sure,” Shane said slowly.
“How do you do it? The job with her there?” Kyle remembered the op, but he’d been focused on everything besides the budding couple.
“Honestly I don’t know. I wanted to rip my hair out every minute of the day with Lacey
around. You should ask Isaac.” Shane pulled a baseball cap low on his face. It had begun to drizzle, spelling the end of this pleasant, sunny spell.
Kyle circled the desk to take up the post at the monitors.
Shane was right. Of the guys on their team, Isaac was the one who’d held the title of ladies man until recently. There was a time when, if they had a female asset, Kyle knew who’d be with them. But not anymore.
Everything was changing.
He knew more was coming.
Both Shane and Adam were not long for this team. Their lives were headed in new directions even if they didn’t know where yet. Felix and Isaac were more likely to stick around, but for how long?
The simple facts were the teams had a high turnover rate. What they did took a toll, not just on the body but on the man. Kyle had been satisfied with this life because it kept him moving. He was always on the road, always doing something to improve someone else’s life. The dangerous jobs weren’t for everyone, but they suited Kyle.
Why?
Was it because when he’d first gone off to join the Navy he’d done it to protect people? To defend people who couldn’t defend themselves? Was that still who he was? All this time, was he overcompensating for what his father did to him? If he protected enough people, would he undo all the wrongs his father had done?
There were times, especially over the last year, when he felt like his father. Sometimes the old man just made him so angry. He’d never acted on that anger. It would come on strong, he’d see red, and that was it. Fear slammed into him so fast he’d get whiplash.
He didn’t want to be like his dad.
Deep down though, he was afraid he’d turn out just like his old man.
It was a new fear. He’d always said he would be nothing like Dad, and then they’d had to live together. That first time Dad pissed him off Kyle had felt the first urge to do harm. To hurt his dad, to make him see what it felt like.
That was the root of it all.
Kyle sat back in the office chair and stared at the monitors.
Shane strolled along the sidewalk, a flashlight gleaming off the wet pavement.
It would be easy to just shove all this in the back of his mind and continue on as he’d been doing for his thirty-five years on this planet.
Dangerous in Charge Page 16
