Jessica
“So, you decided not to reconcile. How did he take it?” Dr. Warvel asks from where she sits with her legs crossed, writing in that fucking notebook.
“Badly.”
It’s the day of one-word answers, and I don’t care.
“You’re clearly agitated,” she muses.
“Yup.”
“Do you want to tell me why?”
I look away. “Nope.”
“Okay.” Her voice is even as she leans back in her chair. “I think you’re upset because you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and you’re hurt.”
I huff. She got all that from just a few words. Wow, she’s a goddamn genius. I cross my arms, wanting to build a fortress around myself to stop her words from entering.
I’m not upset because I’m hurt. I’m upset because I was stupid. I lied to myself and thought I could have it all.
What a bunch of shit. No one gets it all.
I clench my teeth together to stop from saying it to her. I don’t want to be here, but my mother took off work so I couldn’t skip. I’m here, but I’m done talking about Grayson Parkerson and my stupid feelings about him.
“Can we not?” My tone is clipped.
“We could, but then this session will leave you exactly where you started.”
“I’m not going to feel better recounting it.”
“Maybe not,” she agrees. “Or maybe you’ll get to the root of why you’re pissed at the world.”
I don’t know how Jacob lives with a shrink. I would kill someone if they kept poking and prodding. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to feel better because pain is the only thing that reminds me that life sucks.
“I’m good.”
Dr. Warvel nods once and then gets to her feet. “Okay, you have about thirty minutes left in the session, so you’re welcome to stay here or, if you want, you can leave, that’s fine too. I’m going to catch up on some things.”
She walks over to her desk, grabs her iPad, and starts tapping away.
Great, I’m not only angry, broken, and a damn mess, I’m also wasting Jacob’s money.
Could I feel any worse? No. I don’t think that’s possible.
I’m being a baby. That’s the truth of it. “I told him I wanted to try,” I say softly, but I know she heard.
Dr. Warvel sets the iPad down and heads back to the seat she usually occupies. “And he rejected you?”
I nod. “He said he knows I won’t stay and he has to protect his daughter.”
“Sounds like he’s a great dad.”
“Far better than mine ever was.”
She inclines her head. “Maybe he was protecting you by not giving you a choice.”
“Or himself.”
Dr. Warvel doesn’t say a word, she just watches me, and I start to fidget.
“What?”
“We often create truths from the experiences we have as children. They aren’t true all the time, but our minds deem them to be so. For example, your father left you, therefore you believe that people leave, which is why you left Grayson, right?”
“I guess.”
She clasps her hands in front of her, leaning forward. “Jessica, why did you leave him?”
“Because I wanted to . . .”
I wanted to protect myself. I wanted to leave him before he could leave me and I wouldn’t be hurt and broken. He was the one thing in the world I didn’t want to lose, so I gave him away.
My eyes open wider, and my breath hitches.
“Tell me,” she urges. I feel the moisture running down my cheeks as I say that entire thought aloud. Dr. Warvel extends the box of tissues. “It’s not easy to work through our pasts and change the way we think, but Grayson has endured people he loves leaving him too.”
His father in a sense, me, Yvonne . . . we all left him.
“I don’t want to hurt him. I still love him.”
She gives me a sad smile. “Love is a gift when given freely, but it can also be painful when taken back. You both have to have trust and openness. If your headaches were gone and you were cleared to fly, would you take flight or stay grounded beside him?”
Two parts of my soul start playing tug of war. “I don’t know.”
“And that’s the answer that scares him.”
It also terrifies me.
Stella rushes into my office. “Oh, good! You’re here. Thank God.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I need you to help me.”
I get to my feet. “Of course, what’s up?”
Stella swallows deeply. “I have to watch Amelia tonight, but something has come up . . . an emergency with an old friend, but she has dance tonight and can’t miss it.”
“Okay . . .”
“I promise, I wouldn’t ask you this if there were any way around it. If there was another option, I swear, Jess, I wouldn’t do this. But I’m desperate, and I have to leave right away. I know it’s a lot, but can you please take her for me?”
I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. I don’t know much about other people’s kids, but your ex-girlfriend who you made out with a few days ago and then rejected probably isn’t very high on your list of babysitters.
“Where is Grayson?”
“We had a huge issue out in Wyoming with Oliver’s property, and he flew out first thing this morning.”
“Oh.”
She smiles tightly. “Look, I know it’s a big ask, and I wouldn’t ask if I hadn’t already cleared it with Grayson and he said it was fine if I had no other options, and I don’t.”
“What about Winnie?”
My sister loves Amelia and has watched her before.
“Winnie said she’s bogged down at work.”
A sense of dread fills my chest, weighing me down. I love Amelia, but she’s Grayson’s daughter.
“You really have no one else?” I ask.
“I promise, I wouldn’t ask if I did. I swear, if I didn’t need to leave within the hour, I wouldn’t do this.”
“I can’t drive,” I remind her.
“I know. It’s fine. I will drive you to my place and you can hang out with Melia there since it’s in town a block or two away from her dance studio.” Which means it’s walkable. “She has her own bedroom, and there’s a guest room, so you’ll be completely comfortable. Please.” She begs with her hands in front of her chest. “If you say no, I’ll have to take her, and she’ll be crushed.”
Ahh, the Parkerson guilt trip. I’ve missed it. Still, I have nothing else to do, and it would be helping Stella, who has done a lot to help me.
“I guess, but I still get nightmares and don’t want to scare her.”
“You won’t. I promise. She would sleep through an entire army marching through her room.”
I release a heavy sigh. That was my last excuse. “All right. As long as you swear Grayson is fine with it.”
She grabs her phone, types something out, and then waits. Her foot tapping.
Then my phone pings with a North Carolina area code.
Unknown: It’s Gray. I swear it’s fine, just don’t listen to her if she says she’s allowed to eat KitKats for dinner.
Me: I am not that gullible.
Grayson: She’s just that convincing.
Stella clears her throat. “Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Good. Let’s go.”
I grab my bag, and we leave to pick up Amelia from the daycare before heading to Stella’s. She chats a mile a minute, telling us all about her day, what she ate—where she mentions KitKats—and how excited she is that I’m going to be watching her.
Stella shows me around her loft, pointing out a few key things, and then gives me her cell number before leaving.
Amelia plops herself on the couch, grabbing the remote. “Auntie Stella lets me watch cartoons.”
I am so out of my element. After the texting with Grayson, I’m not sure how much I should believe from her. “Yeah? Which ones?”
“Not scary ones.”
“How about we watch it together?” I offer.
Melia pats the seat beside her. “I like the funny one with the singing cat.”
Singing cats sound like a safe territory. Although, Tom and Jerry weren’t exactly the model we should’ve followed regarding how to treat others.
Once I’m seated, Melia scoots closer, snuggling into my side. She’s such a sweet kid.
“We only have about twenty minutes before we head to your dance class.”
She grins. “I love dance. Daddy says I’m the best in the class.”
“I’m sure you are.”
“Mrs. Butler isn’t a nice teacher.”
“I had Mrs. Butler when I was a little girl.” She was a horrible woman then, so I’m not surprised she still sucks.
How she’s still in business is a mystery. Then again, it’s not like there are any other options in town.
“Did she smile then?”
I laugh. “Not once.”
Melia changes the channels until she finds her show. “This is the singing cat. His name is Winston, and he’s afraid of spiders.”
“That makes two of us.”
“I don’t like them either, but Daddy isn’t afraid. He’s not afraid of anything.”
Except me.
I smile at her. “He has to be afraid of something.”
She shakes her head. “Nope.”
“Not even snakes?”
Amelia grins. “Nope.”
“What about fire?”
“He’s a firefighter, silly.”
“Oh, that’s right,” I say, trying to appear pensive. “What about . . . storms?”
Amelia gets up on her knees. “No way, storms aren’t scary, they’re fun.”
“Fun?”
“Daddy and I go on the deck to watch them.”
Grayson and I used to do that as well. We would go in the back of his truck, watching the electric storms on the other side of the mountains. I had a ridiculous sense of false security because he convinced me that the tires would prevent us from being electrocuted, ignoring the fact we were in the metal truck bed.
“There has to be something,” I tell her.
Amelia taps her finger on her lips and it’s so easy to forget she’s only four years old. “I know!”
“You do?”
“He’s afraid of me.”
“Oh? Are you scary?” I ask with my voice dramatic at the end.
“Yes! Look!” She lifts her little fingers and growls. The laughter is instantaneous, and I grab her, tickling her sides.
I get why he will give up his own happiness for her. You protect the ones you love. You protect your child, even if it means cutting out your own heart.
Chapter 17
Grayson
Everything at this property is a mess.
It’s in the middle of nowhere, smells distinctly like cow shit no matter where you are, and needs to be completely gutted.
“How the hell did Dad think this was a great investment?”
Oliver shrugs. “The fuck if I know.”
“Why did you agree to come here?”
“Do any of us have a damn choice? He said he bought land and said I should go. After the breakup with Devney, I was all too happy to leave Sugarloaf.”
I know that feeling all too well. If Jessica had stayed in Willow Creek, I would’ve begged to take one of these locations, even if it meant I lived in cow pie hell.
“Jessica knows his brother,” I tell him.
“I’m aware, she was in the crash with him.”
It seems that everyone was aware of that except for me. “Have you spoken to her?”
“Jessica? Yeah, she was at the party last week. The one you somehow got out of.”
I didn’t get out of it, I just didn’t go. There’s absolutely no reason I need to pretend we’re this idyllic family to keep my mother happy. She doesn’t give a shit about any of us or what we want. It’s about appearances and status. Two things I give zero fucks about.
“I had plans.”
He smirks. “Sure you did.”
“I had no idea she was going,” I say as we enter the lobby area.
“Would that have changed your plans?” my little brother asks, and I have the urge to put him in a headlock.
“No.”
“Liar.”
I flip him off. “Let’s see what you screwed up and needed me to come out and fix.”
He groans but leads the way back into the office.
If I thought there was a mess before, I was sorely mistaken. This is next level. The office is small, but there’s spray paint on the walls, papers strewn around, and the desk light is shattered on the ground. This person was out for something.
“Did you call the cops?”
Oliver shakes his head. “I’m pretty sure that’s who did this.”
Okay, now I’m confused. “You think the cops destroyed your office? Were you fucking the lieutenant’s daughter?”
He releases a heavy breath and walks over to the desk area. “I wasn’t, but I think another member of the Parkerson family was.”
“Fuck,” I say, taking the note from his hand.
There in black and white is what my brother feared.
“You disgust me. You’re a liar and I never want to see you again. You said you weren’t married, and then I saw the photos!”
“Did you, by chance, marry someone and not tell us?”
Oliver laughs without humor. “Nope.”
“So, you think one of his side pieces in the area found out and wrecked the place?”
“Well, the charity dinner was newsworthy, and I’m going to assume our mother wanted to bask in her glory, which means press was there. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why this happened now.”
“Jesus. You’d think . . .”
“What? That he wasn’t this way anymore? Come on, Grayson. You’re not a fucking idiot. Well, you are, but not that way. Look at all of us. Five kids. Five, and we’re all like this. We date people who will never be more than casual. We fight back against anything that feels real. I dated Devney for years, knowing the entire time that she was in love with her best friend. I couldn’t even manage to be pissed about it when I found out she kissed him.”
“I would’ve married Yvonne,” I say, needing to prove him wrong. We can’t all be fucked up. There has to be at least one of us that has hope.
“Yeah, and that was a healthy relationship?”
No, it wasn’t. It was toxic and I’m glad I didn’t marry her, but really, none of us are the models of healthy relationships. I think about each of my siblings, trying to see where our parents may not have totally ruined us, and I feel like total shit. Stella has never really dated anyone. She’s had short-lived bursts of something, but she always walks away at the first sign of anything deep. Josh has been denying his feelings for Delia for as long as I can remember, trying to say he’s “too old” for her. Alex is the happiest, loneliest person I know. He has zero intentions of marrying, and we know Ollie is a mess.
God, this is a sad group.
“It was what I needed at the time,” I say honestly.
“And that’s what Devney was for me. I would’ve married her. I planned on asking her, even though a part of me was hesitant. I don’t doubt that I loved her, but how fucked up is it that I would’ve married her, knowing that she loved another dude?”
I clasp his shoulder, squeezing tight. “At least you’re not in love with the girl who broke your heart, showed up again, made out with twice, and then pushed away.”
“I see you’re the healthy one out of us.”
“Far fucking from it.”
“What’s the issue with her? Why are you pushing her away?”
I glance at the mess around me, feeling like this room looks. “Because of this.”
“What?” He pulls his head back and quirks his lip.
“This is what happens. Things are destroyed when it
doesn’t work out.”
Oliver doesn’t say anything as he leans down, gathering the papers and putting them in a box. He lifts it and then hands it to me. “And then there’s this.”
Now it’s my turn to be confused. “A box?”
“No, it’s cleaned up. I keep thinking how we’re all making these mistakes by trying to not make them.”
“Oliver, I have no clue what the hell you’re saying.”
He sighs deeply. “So what if there’s a mess at the end? Who gives a shit if things don’t work out or we aren’t getting what we want at the finish line? We can pick the pieces up and pack them away. Isn’t it supposed to be about the journey? I’m tired of living this way, Grayson. I want to get married and have kids. I want to be fucking happy. When I was back home last week, all I could see were people who didn’t have money or hated their jobs, but they looked happy because they weren’t alone.”
“I see it every day.”
“And you don’t want that?”
He has no fucking idea. “I built a house because I hoped someone would live in it with me,” I remind him.
“Yeah, and now she’s back and you’re afraid.”
“Damn right I’m afraid!” I yell, tossing the box on the floor. “I know what it feels like to lose her.”
Oliver nods slowly. “You also know what it’s like to love her. I guess the question is, which one is worth more?”
I’m done with this conversation. “Let’s clean this up,” I suggest sternly. “Then we’ll call him and let him know about the damage.”
Thankfully, he takes the hint and we start working on cleaning up the messes we can.
Chapter 18
Jessica
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” Stella asks as I push the phone to my ear.
What am I supposed to say? No. I can’t because Amelia is four and can’t exactly stay home alone. So, here I am, packing up her stuff to head to Grayson’s house and spend another night with her.
“It’s fine.”
She sighs with relief. “You’re the best. Truly. I thought I could get back, but the storm is bad, and I can’t see with the sheeting rain.”
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