by Lexy Wolfe
"I will consider your words, Master Nolyn." Ash turned to his brother, but his thoughts were obviously not on the other man as he bowed to him. "Goddess keep you."
"Thank you again for your hospitality, Master Ash." Nolyn inclined his head graciously to Ash, a small smile on his lips. "Goddess keep you."
Chapter 44
Mureln sat a glass of wine next to the journeyman mage who sat staring into space, brooding. The bard sighed softly, remembering the first time he had come to this house, having to console Ash when Dessa was killed. Now it was the master's journeyman grieving as his master had done not so very long ago. "Drink the wine, Terrence. It will help."
"It won't bring her back," Terrence said dismally. "It won't bring anyone back." He half closed his eyes, slipping his hand into his pocket to comfort the small sprite curled up at the bottom of it. "Not Jaline. Not the people killed in the market. Not Master Nolyn's people. No one."
"No, alcohol never does change what happened," Mureln agreed simply. "But it can help blunt the edge until time can make the hurt less sharp." He put a hand on Terrence's shoulder. "It will always hurt."
The young mage picked up the glass, but did not drink, staring at the deep purplish blue liquid. "Master Mureln, may I ask you something?"
"Of course." Mureln sat in the other chair in front of the fireplace, all his attention for the young mage.
"And you won't think poorly of me?" Terrence finally focused his eyes on Mureln, an unsettling intensity within them.
Mureln suppressed open curiosity at the note of desperate hope in the younger man's voice. "What I think would be irrelevant, Terrence. My duty is to provide a neutral voice in conflicting matters, even if the conflict is within one person only." At the anxious look, Mureln reached over to put his hand on Terrence's arm. "I would never think poorly of you, Terrence."
Terrence fell silent, looking at the fire for a long time before he finally spoke again. "I grieve for Jaline's loss, of course. We had known each other since we were young. Before we left for Desantiva, I had intended to choose her as my wife once I became a master." After a moment, he finally spoke the word that hung in the air. "But..."
"Go on," Mureln prompted as the silence stretched out.
"But there is a part of me that is... relieved," Terrence finally confessed. "I love Forenta with all my heart, but... ever since the moment we arrived in Desantiva, I have not felt as close to Forenta as I once had. I am not even sure what I felt before then. Forenta was all I knew. Jaline had been the only future I thought I had. But when we came home and I started spending time with her again, it just... it did not feel the same."
"That's natural," Mureln assured him. "When you leave everything that you knew, become exposed to something completely unfamiliar, it always changes your perspective." He considered Terrence for a moment. "Were you considering telling her you changed your mind?"
Terrence flinched, looking away miserably. "I hadn't really decided yet. Part of me wanted to keep what we had. I hoped I could hold onto the past if I held onto her. Part of me wanted to let her go and move on. But I never told her. I should have. Maybe they wouldn't have targeted her because of her relationship to me if I had just ended it." Guilt flooded Terrence as he looked up at Mureln. "I didn't want her dead, Master Mureln. But of everything I feel, I feel... relief. Relief! I should not feel relief for—"
"Terrence," Mureln interrupted sharply, cutting off the journeyman's words. "No one is saying you wanted her dead or that you didn't care enough for her." He put his hand on Terrence's shoulder. "What happened was horrible. But you can console yourself knowing that she died knowing you loved her. Even if your feelings were not the same, you did love her. You still do." Gently, he added, "There will always be some small part of you that will always love her."
"I should have been able to save her," Terrence whispered, agonized.
"Your master couldn't save Dessa from the darkling that killed her," Mureln pointed out. "You cannot change the past. But you can work to try to change the future." Terrence looked up at him quizzically. "Work so you can try to ensure others do not know the pain you know now, that your master knew then. You may not always succeed, but don't be like so many others who expect someone else to protect them, to take care of them, and use that as an excuse for inaction." He touched the journeyman braid on the cuff of his robes. "That is the duty of mages, after all. To protect."
Terrence considered his words then finally nodded slightly, raising the glass to his lips, draining it. Mureln refilled the glass and simply sat with Terrence as he stared into the fire, sipping the wine, deep in thought.
Chapter 45
Skyfire watched Lyra pace the small space of the shared common area of his and Storm's quarters, worry marring his otherwise impassive features. "Lyra, you should sleep," he told her quietly. "You have not slept since before—"
"Sleep?! How can I sleep?" Lyra demanded with a hint of hysteria in her voice. "I can't even close my eyes without seeing... without seeing their faces when I-I killed them!" She began pacing again. "I do not know if I can ever sleep again! Mistress Storm..."
She stopped, covering her face with her hands. "Oh, goddess, how does Mistress Storm live with it? She is so much stronger than I am. She would never let this distract her." Skyfire approached her slowly, the young woman burying herself against his chest, clinging to him. "I must be such an embarrassment to both of you!"
Gingerly putting his arms around her, Skyfire rubbed her back in awkward comfort. "You are anything but an embarrassment, Lyra. Believe me." He smiled ruefully. "If anyone is an embarrassment, it is me. I let myself get knocked unconscious because I did not get my stance correct."
Lyra looked up, her light blue eyes wild with emotion. "You are not an embarrassment!" she scolded him. "Don't you ever say you are an embarrassment!" She punctuated her words with emphatic hits to his broad chest. "Never ever say that!"
"Easy, Lyra." Skyfire caught her by the wrists, his grip as firm as his voice was soothing. "I won't say it. I won't even think it," he promised her.
The young Forentan woman looked up at him stricken then started crying again, her knees weakening so much she sagged against him. "Skyfire, forgive me! I shouldn't have..."
Gathering her into his arms, he carried her to his room, sitting her on his bed then moving to sit behind her, holding her close. "You have nothing to be forgiven for, Lyra. Taking a life should never be easy to accept. Believe me. Storm does not let it show, but every death by her own hand pains her, even the deaths of the deserving enemy." Kissing her temple, he murmured, "Just as it pains me."
Sniffling, Lyra hugged his arms around her, resting her cheek on his hand on her shoulder. "If it hurts so much, how does she live with it? Or herself?"
"Because she has to," he replied simply. "She does not kill without reason. It is our way to thank the spirit of the animals and plants we must kill to sustain our own lives. She will kill to protect the lives of those she has sworn to protect, and she will kill to protect herself only because if she dies, she would be unable to protect others who need her strength." He gently rubbed the tears off one cheek with his thumb.
"Sh-she thanked me," Lyra said as the tension slowly eased from her body.
"For protecting me. For protecting her. For being strong enough to stand up and protect us." Stroking her hair, he rested his cheek atop her head. "Sleep, Lyra. I am here." They were still and silent until he finally felt her body ease into sleep. He grimaced as he finally gave into the lingering pain from where he knocked his head. Even though Taylin healed the damage, it ached with sensitivity. Reaching for a blanket, he tugged it over them both and sighed softly as he held Lyra close.
Chapter 46
In a small antechamber, Ash approached the deep windowsill where Zoe sat, offering her a deep bow of respect. "You wished to see me, Zoe?"
The girl blushed deeply. "Master Ash, you do not need to bow to me. You are the Illaini Magus!"
"And you are th
e Voice of the Oracle," Ash responded evenly. He tilted his head slightly. "Is something bothering you, Zoe?"
The girl looked down shyly, tracing one of the golden curls on her hand lightly. "Is this what it was like for you?" she wondered. "When you became Illaini Magus? Having everyone look at you different and treat you like you were suddenly someone totally different? Being afraid even to talk to you?"
Moving to sit next to the girl, Ash clasped his hands lightly in his lap as he looked at her. "A little. But I would be lying to you if I said you were no different now than you were before She chose you. You are different now, just as I was different. But you are still Zoe just as I am still me. It takes time to get used to what you have become."
Zoe sighed softly. "I am very happy to be Her Voice, Master Ash, but..." She looked away, pulling her knees up to her chest to hug her legs. "It is lonely, Master Ash."
He reached over to brush her hair back behind her ear so he could see her face. "Zoe. You can call me just Ash now." She looked up at him, eyes wide. "We are very much alike now, you and I."
"Why do I have all these marks on me and you don't have any?" she asked finally, holding up her hand to let her sleeve fall back to show the ornate design that continued down her arm. "Is there something wrong with me?"
"Of course not." Ash looked bemused as a topic he had only recently discussed with Nolyn came up again. He held up his right hand, murmuring softly. A deep green and copper endless knot wound its way from the back of his hand up to his elbow. "She allowed me to hide it. I suppose I shouldn't anymore."
The girl's eyes went wide as she touched the tattoo lightly. "Oh, it is so pretty, Ma-er, Ash! It feels... cooler than the rest of your skin." She looked up at the mage, puzzled. "But why had you hidden your Illaini mark? Should I hide my marks? I am... I was only a student. Master Ellis was going to make me an apprentice before but... I wasn't that good yet and he was busy and... And well. Why?"
"When I first became Illaini, there were those who could not abide the thought of a lowborn possessing the most honored blessing there could be." Ash looked at the knot musingly. "And part of it was for my ego. I hid it because when I first got it, all people saw was the mark of the goddess. I wanted people to see me, not the mark." He sighed softly. "There are so many who only gave me respect because of being the Illaini. I wanted them to see me for my own accomplishments, not wave them off as being a gift from the goddess. The darkling Ysai helped foster the attitudes Forenta has become infamous for throughout the sundered lands."
Zoe reached over and clasped his hand, leaning against him with a wistful sigh. "It will get better," she stated with a child's absolute faith. "I know it will because you will make it better. She wouldn't have made you her Illaini if She didn't believe in you."
The mage smiled indulgently, squeezing the girl's hand. "I am glad you have such faith in me, Zoe."
"Ash, do you think I will be allowed to leave the Academy someday?" The girl looked up at Ash hopefully. Hopping up onto her bare feet, she danced around the plush carpet. "It isn't that I do not like it here in the academy. But I would like to visit people and see things for myself instead of waiting for them to come to me."
The Illaini Magus could not help but smile a little at the bright spirit of the girl. "I do not see why not. But remember that people will treat you differently. You are Her Voice. Most people have never known a closer relationship to the Goddess than the occasional prayer." He patted her shoulder. "I can speak with Se'edai... I can speak with my uncle," he amended, bringing a smile to the girl. "I doubt he would want you to feel like a prisoner here."
"Oh, good!" Zoe happily clapped her hands together. "I asked Master Ellis to ask your Swordanzen to come here so I can apologize to her. Master Ellis said she refuses to come to the Academy again because of what I told her." She looked down sadly. "I... the goddess didn't mean to upset her. We really didn't!"
Ash blinked at the contrite tone. "It wasn't your fault at all, Zoe. You were just doing as you should as Her Voice." Unable to contain his curiosity, he asked, "What did you tell her?"
Zoe's cheeks colored brightly. "I am not sure if I should say. Especially since what I—what She said—upset Swordanzen Storm so much. She might get mad at me!" Leaning close, she whispered, "She is scary when she is angry!"
The mage sighed softly, knowing she was right. "It would really mean a lot to me if you could tell me something, please?" He took one of her hands in both of his, looking at her hopefully. "If I understood what bothered Storm, I could help her not be so upset about it."
Zoe bit her lip, looking to the place the Oracle Stone rested, its glow increasing ever so slightly. As if listening to some inner voice, she looked back at Ash. "I can tell you part of why she got upset."
"I would appreciate anything that might help me understand Storm better," Ash replied sincerely.
"She doesn't want you to hurt." The girl knelt on the floor in front of Ash, looking up into his eyes.
Ash blinked several times as he let her take his hands in hers. "She is afraid... for me? Not for herself?" He could not help but smile a little at his over-protective Swordanzen. "I should not be so surprised. She is fierce when she wishes to protect someone."
The girl nodded, then glanced back towards the stone a moment. "Oh." Looking at Ash again, she said, "Well, she is a little afraid for herself, too. But more for you. She believes you will be hurt because of her and if she keeps you away from her, you will be okay."
"Because she is Desanti and I am Forentan?" Ash sighed in exasperation. "I have told her over and over that I do not care one bit what others think."
"But, Ash? Didn't others hurt you because of what they thought? Even if you didn't care what they thought about you?" When the mage looked away, the girl said firmly, "She saw the pain those days caused you. She believes it will be worse because of her."
Ash sighed softly, his face turned away still. "There will always be people who will be hurtful like that. We can't let them dictate our actions..." His voice drifted off as he heard himself, staring at Zoe. "Oh, gods, Zoe. I should have seen it myself before."
Zoe looked perplexed and worried she had told him something she shouldn't have told him. "Seen 'it' yourself, what, Ash?"
"All of us have been telling Storm and Skyfire how to make sure no one faults them by making them worry about how others think. All the time. For everything." He gave Zoe a quick, tight hug. "Thank you, Zoe. The goddess chose well when She chose you."
Zoe blushed brightly, but smiled. "You are welcome, Ash. Tell Swordanzen Storm I said hello and I hope she will come visit me."
Ash chuckled and nodded. "I promise, Zoe, I will."
Chapter 47
Heralding the full onset of winter in Forenta, a blizzard set in that made it nearly impossible to go outside. The world through the windows was a swirling mass of white lit only by the sun. Not even the shadows of the surrounding trees were discernable. The Forenten, long familiar with Forenta's weather, were unconcerned. Gathered together in the common room, Ash quietly wrote in his journal while the others played a rowdy dice game.
The others were amazed by degrees. "It is like the ragewind storm in Desantiva," Mureln commented as he forced his way back inside, bringing the two young men who had been stranded in the stables. "I could barely soothe the winds enough to walk straight."
Taylin brought a blanket to wrap around the bard and drew him over to the fireside while the other servants attended to the stable hands. "You are amazing, my love," she told him, kissing his cheek. She flicked a glance towards the Desanti, unconsciously skirting around them. The two Swordanzen paced the room with the itchy impatience of caged animals.
Mureln arched an eyebrow, watching the two. "They were doing that when I went out to the stables. Haven't they relaxed yet?" Taylin shook her head silently.
"Good gods, man," Emil said to Skyfire in exasperation. "Don't ye Desanti have anythin' t' do when th' weather is bad outside? Yer pacin' is drivin' me ou
t of m' mind."
"And he doesn't have much of a mind to be in to begin with," Mureln teased, ducking a thrown pillow.
Skyfire stopped, taking a deep breath. "Forgive me. I will return to my room."
"I ain't tellin' ye t' leave, neither," the mercenary scolded. "Gods, stop bein' so damned literal. C'mon over here. I know ye don't have no money, but I'll spot ye some coin and teach ye some new dice games." Skyfire hesitated, then nodded, moving to sit on the floor at the low table next to Lyra who smiled brightly at him.
Storm stopped her pacing without needing to be asked by the others, merely propping herself up against the wall to watch the room instead of joining the gambling. Her intense gaze settled on Taylin, unwaveringly, for so long, the healer fidgeted. "Storm." When the Swordanzen did not even blink, she simply yelled, startling the others. "Will you stop staring at me?! What in the hells is so fascinating?" But Storm did not answer, though she did blink once.
Mureln squinted at Storm, getting up finally to approach her. Spurred by Taylin's upset, the bard risked putting a hand on Storm's tattooed shoulder, blinking at being able to feel the intense heat of the image through the shirt's heavy fabric. He shook his head to suppress curiosity about the mark, turning his attention to the Desanti woman. "What is wrong?" he asked simply in Desanti.
"Wrong?" Storm blinked as she turned to look at Mureln in confusion. "Why do you think anything is wrong?"
Exasperated, he replied, "You are staring at Taylin. It is making her uncomfortable."
Blinking, Storm looked at Taylin with a bewildered expression. "Oh. My apologies. But I wasn't watching her." She went back to staring at Taylin again. "If it makes you feel any better, it is very strong."
Mureln paused a moment. "It? What are you talking about?"
