Somewhat appropriately (given its theme), the disturbing story which follows was used in 1996 to launch the HarperCollins Voyager imprint web site on the Internet . . .
I GOT A NEW job a couple of weeks ago. It’s pretty much the same as my old job, but at a nicer company. What I do is trouble-shoot computers and their software, and yes, I know that sounds dull. People tell me so all the time. Not in words, exactly, but in their glassy smiles and their awkward “let’s be nice to the geek” demeanour.
It’s a strange phenomenon, really, the whole “computer people are losers” mentality. All round the world, in every office in every building, people are using computers. Day in, day out. Every now and then, these machines go wrong. They’re bound to: they’re complex systems, like a human body, or society. When someone gets hurt, you call in a doctor. When a riot breaks out, it’s the police that – for once – you want to see on your doorstep. Similarly, if your word processor starts dumping files or your hard disk goes non-linear, it’s someone like me you need. Someone who actually understands the magic box which sits on your desk, and can make it all lovely again.
But do we get any thanks, any kudos for being the emergency services of the late twentieth century? Do we fuck.
I can understand it to a degree. There are enough hardline nerds and geeks around to make it seem like a losing way of life. But there are plenty of pretty random earthlings doing all the other jobs too, and no one expects them to turn up for work in a pin-wheel hat and a T-shirt saying “Programmers do it recursively”. For the record, I play reasonable blues guitar, I’ve been out with a girl and have worked undercover for the CIA. The last bit isn’t true, of course, but you get the general idea.
Up until recently I worked for a computer company, which was full of very perfunctory human beings. When people started passing around jokes which were written in C++, I decided it was time to go. One of the advantages of knowing about computers is that unemployment isn’t going to be a problem until the damn things start fixing themselves, and so I called a few contacts, posted a CV up on the Internet and within twenty-four hours had seven opportunities to choose from. Most of them were other computer businesses, which I was kind of keen to avoid, and in the end I decided to have a crack at a company called the VCA. I put on my pin-wheel hat, rubbed pizza on my shirt, and strolled along for an interview.
The VCA, it transpired, was a non-profit organization dedicated to promoting effective business communication. The suave but shifty chief executive who interviewed me seemed a little vague as to what this actually entailed, and in the end I let it go. The company was situated in tidy new offices right in the centre of town, and seemed to be doing good trade at whatever it was they did. The reason they needed someone like me was they wanted to upgrade their system – computers, software and all. It was a month’s contract work, at a very decent rate, and I said yes without a second thought.
Whitehead, the guy in charge, took me for a gloating tour round the office. It looked the same as they always do, only emptier, because everyone was out at lunch. Then I settled down with their spreadsheet-basher to go find out what kind of system they could afford. His name was Egerton, and he wasn’t out at lunch because he was clearly one of those people who see working nine-hour days as worthy of some form of admiration. Personally I view it as worthy of pity, at most. He seemed amiable enough, in a curly-haired, irritating sort of way, and within half an hour we’d thrashed out the necessary. I made some calls, arranged to come back in a few days, and spent the rest of the afternoon helping build a hospital in Rwanda. Well actually I spent it listening to loud music and catching up on my Internet newsgroups, but I could have done the other had I been so inclined.
The Internet is one of those things that more and more people have heard of without having any real idea of what it means. It’s actually very simple. A while back a group of universities and government organizations experimented with a way of linking up all their computers so they could share resources, send little messages and play Star Trek games with each other. After a time this network started to take on a momentum of its own, with everyone from Pentagon heavies to pin-wheeling wireheads taking it upon themselves to find new ways of connecting things up and making more information available. Just about every major computer on the planet is now connected, and if you’ve got a modem and a phone line, you can get on there too. I can tell you can hardly wait.
What you find when you’re there almost qualifies as a parallel universe. There are thousands of pieces of software, probably millions of text files. You can check the records of the New York Public Library, send a message to someone in Japan which will arrive within minutes, download a picture of the far side of Jupiter, and monitor how many cans of Dr Pepper there are in soda machines in the computer science labs of American universities. A lot of this stuff is fairly chaotically organized, but there are a few systems which span the net as a whole. One of these is the newsgroups.
There are about 10,000 of these groups now, covering anything from computers to fine art, science fiction to tastelessness, the books of Stephen King to quirky sexual preferences. If it’s not outright illegal, out there on the infobahn people will be yakking about it twenty-four hours a day, every day of the year. Either that or posting images of it: there are paintings and animals, NASA archives and abstract art, and in the alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless group you can find anything from close-up shots of roadkills to people with acid burns on their face. Not very nice, but trust me, it’s a minority interest. Now that I think of it, there is some illegal stuff (drugs, mainly) – there’s a system by which you can send untraceable and anonymous messages, though I’ve never bothered to check it out.
Basically the groups are little discussion centres that stick to their own specific topic. People read each other’s messages and reply, or forward their own pronouncements or questions. Some groups have computer files, like software pictures, others just have text messages. No one, however sad, could hope to keep abreast of all of them, and nor would you want to. I personally don’t give a toss about recent developments in Multilevel Marketing Businesses or the Nature of Chinchilla Farming in America Today, and have no interest in reading megabytes of losing burblings about them. So I, like most people, stick to a subset of the groups that carry stuff I’m interested in – Mac computers, guitar music, cats and the like.
So now you know.
The following Tuesday I got up bright and early and made my way to the VCA for my first morning’s work. England was doing its best to be summery, which as always meant that it was humid without being hot, bright without being sunny, and every third commuter on the hellish subway was intermittently pebble-dashing nearby passengers with hayfever sneezes. I emerged moist and irritable from the subway, more determined than ever to find a way of working that meant never having to leave my apartment. The walk from the station to VCA was better, passing through an attractive square and a selection of interesting sidestreets, and I was feeling chipper again by the time I got there.
My suppliers had done their work, and the main area of VCA’s open-plan office was piled high with exciting boxes. When I walked in just about all the staff were standing around the pile, coffee mugs in hand, regarding it with a wary enthusiasm as if they were simple country folk and it was a recently-landed UFO. There was a slightly toe-curling five minutes of introductions, embarrassing merely because I don’t enjoy that kind of thing. Only one person, John, seemed to view me with the sniffy disdain of someone greeting an underling whose services are, unfortunately, in the ascendant. Everybody else seemed nice, some very much so.
Whitehead eventually oiled out of his office and dispensed a few weak jokes which had the – possibly intentional – effect of scattering everyone back to their desks to get on with their work. I took off my jacket, rolled up my sleeves and got on with it.
I spent the morning cabling like a wild thing, placing the hardware of the network itself. As this involved a certain amount of disrupting
everyone in turn by drilling, pulling up carpet and moving their desks, I was soon on apologetic grinning terms with most of them. I guess I could have done the wire-up over the weekend when nobody was there, but I like my weekends as they are. John gave me the invisibility routine that people once used on servants, but everyone else was fairly cool about it. One of the girls, Jeanette, actually engaged me in conversation while I worked nearby, and seemed genuinely interested in understanding what I was doing. When I broke it to her that it was actually pretty dull, she smiled.
The wiring took a little longer than I was expecting, and I stayed on after everybody else had gone. Everyone but Egerton, that was, who stayed, probably to make sure that I didn’t run off with their plants, or database, or spoons. Either that or to get some brownie points with whoever it is he thought cared about people putting in long hours. The invoicing supremo was in expansive mood, and chuntered endlessly about his adventures in computing, which were, to be honest, of slender interest to me. In the end he got bored of my monosyllabic grunts from beneath desks, and left me with some keys instead.
The next day was pretty much the same, except I was setting up the computers themselves. This involved taking things out of boxes and installing interminable pieces of software on the server. This isn’t quite such a sociable activity as disturbing people, and I spent most of the day in the affable but distant company of Sarah, their PR person. At the end of the day everyone gathered in the main room and then left together, apparently for a meal to celebrate someone’s birthday. I thought I caught Jeanette casting a glance in my direction at one point, maybe embarrassed at the division between me and them. It didn’t bother me much, so I just got my head down and got on with swopping floppy disks in and out of the machines.
Well, it did bother me a little, to be honest. It wasn’t their fault – there was no reason why they should make the effort to include someone they didn’t know, who wasn’t really a part of their group. People seldom do. You have to be a little thick-skinned about that kind of thing if you work freelance. There are still tribes, you know, everywhere you go. They owe their allegiance to shared time – if they’re friends, or to an organization – if they’re colleagues: but they’re tribes just as much as if they’d tilled the same patch of desert for centuries. As a freelancer, especially in the cyber-areas, you tend to spend a lot of time wandering between them, occasionally being granted access to their watering hole, but never being one of the real people. Sometimes it can get on your nerves. That’s all.
I finished up, locked the building carefully – I’m a complete anal-retentive about such things – and went home. I used my mobile to call for a pizza while I was on route, and it arrived two minutes after I got out of the shower. A perfect piece of timing, which sadly no one was on hand to appreciate. My last experiment with living with someone did not end well, mainly because she was a touchy and irritable woman who needed her own space twenty-three and a half hours a day. Well it was more complicated than that, of course, but that was the main impression I took away with me. I mulled over those times as I sat and munched my “Everything on it, and then a few more things as well” pizza, vague-eyed in front of white-noise television, and ended up feeling rather grim.
Food event over, I made a jug of coffee and settled down in front of the Mac. I tweaked my invoicing database for a while, exciting young man that I am, and then wrote a letter to my sister in Australia. She doesn’t have access to Internet e-mail, unfortunately, otherwise she’d hear from me a lot more often. Write letter, print letter, put it in envelope, get stamps, get it to a post office. A chain of admin of that magnitude usually takes me about two weeks to get through, and it’s a bit primitive, really, compared to “Write letter, press button, there in five minutes”.
I called my friend Nick, who’s a freelance sub-editor on a trendy magazine, but he was chasing a deadline and not disposed to chat. I tried the television, but it was still outputting someone else’s idea of entertainment. By 9 o’clock I was very bored, and so I logged on to the net.
Probably because I was bored, and feeling a bit isolated, after I’d done my usual groups I found myself checking out alt.binaries.pictures.erotica. “Alt” means the group is an unofficial one; “binaries” means it holds computer files rather than just messages; “pictures” means those files are images. As for the last word, I’m prepared to be educational about this but you’re going to have to work that one out for yourself.
The media has the impression that the minute you’re in cyberspace countless pictures of this type come flooding at you down the phone, pouring like ravening hordes onto your hard disk and leaping out of the screen to take over your mind. This is not the case, and all of you worried about your little Timmy’s soul can afford to relax a little. You need a computer, a modem, access to a phone line, and a credit card to pay for your Internet feed. You need to find the right newsgroup, and download about three segments for each picture. You require several bits of software to piece them together, convert the result, and display it.
The naughty pictures don’t come and get you, and if you see one, it ain’t an accident. If your little Timmy has the kit, finance and inclination to go looking, then maybe it’s you who needs the talking to. In fact, maybe you should be grounded.
The flipside of that, of course, is the implication that I have the inclination to go looking, which I guess I occasionally do. Not very often – honest – but I do. I don’t know how defensive to feel about that fact. Men of all shapes and sizes, ages and creeds, and states of marital or relationship bliss enjoy, every now and then, the sight of a woman with no clothes on. It’s just as well we do, you know, otherwise there’d be no new little earthlings, would there? If you want to call that oppression or sexism or the commodification of the female body then go right ahead, but don’t expect me to talk to you at dinner parties. I prefer to call it sexual attraction, but then I’m a sad fuck who spends half his life in front of computer, so what the hell do I know?
Still, it’s not something that people feel great about, and I’m not going to defend it too hard. Especially not to women, because that would be a waste of everyone’s time. Women have a little bit of their brain missing which means they cannot understand the attraction of pornography. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, just that it’s true. On the other hand they understand the attraction of babies, shoe shops and the detail of other people’s lives, so I guess it’s swings and roundabouts.
I’ve talked about it for too long now, and you’re going to think I’m some Neanderthal with his tongue hanging to the ground who goes round looking up people’s skirts. I’m not. Yes, there are rude pictures to be found on the net, and yes I sometimes find them. What can I say? I’m a bloke.
Anyway, I scouted round for a while, but in the end didn’t even download anything. From the descriptions of the files they seemed to be the same endless permutations of badly lit mad people, which is ultimately a bit tedious. Also, bullish talk notwithstanding, I don’t feel great about looking at that kind of thing. I don’t think it reflects very well upon one, and you only have to read a few other people’s slaverings to make you decide it is too sad to be a part of.
So in the end I played the guitar for a while and went to bed.
The next few days at VCA passed pretty easily. I installed and configured, configured and installed. The birthday meal went pretty well, I gathered, and featured amongst other highlights the secretary Tanya literally sliding under the table through drunkenness. That was her story, at least. By the Monday of the following week everyone was calling me by name, and I was being included in the coffee-making rounds. England had called its doomed attempt at summer off, or at least imposed a time out, and had settled for a much more bearable cross between spring and autumn instead. All in all, things were going fairly well.
And as the week progressed, slightly better even than that. The reason for this was a person. Jeanette, to be precise.
I began, without even noticing at f
irst, to find myself veering towards the computer nearest her when I needed to do some testing. I also found that I was slightly more likely to offer to go and make a round of coffees in the kitchen when she was already standing there, smoking one of her hourly cigarettes. Initially it was just because she was the politest and most approachable of the staff, and it was a couple of days before I realized that I was looking out for her return from lunch, trying to be less dull when she was around, and noticing what she wore.
It was almost as if I was beginning to fancy her, for heaven’s sake.
By the beginning of the next week I passed a kind of watershed, and went from undirected, subconscious behaviour to actually facing the fact that I was attracted to her. I did this with a faint feeling of dread, coupled with occasional, mournful tinges of melancholy. It was like being back at school. It’s awful, when you’re grown up, to be reminded of what it was like when a word from someone, a glance, even just their presence, can be like the sun coming out from behind cloud. While it’s nice, in a lyrical, romantic-novel sort of way, it also complicates things. Suddenly it matters if other people come into the kitchen when you’re talking to her, and the way they interact with other people becomes more important. You start trying to engineer things, try to be near them, and it all just gets a bit weird.
Especially if the other person hasn’t a clue what’s going on in your head and you’ve no intention of telling them. I’m no good at that, the telling part. Ten years ago I carried a letter round with me for two weeks, trying to pluck up the courage to give it to someone. It was a girl who was part of the same crowd at college, whom I knew well as a friend, and who had just split up from someone else. The letter was a very carefully worded and tentative description of how I felt about her, ending with an invitation for a drink. Several times I was on the brink, I swear, but somehow I didn’t give it to her. I just didn’t have what it took.
The Best New Horror 7 Page 14
