“What? She’s not denying it,” Tess said.
“What Ash does in her personal time is no one’s business but her own,” Carrie stated flatly.
“Hers and the people she does it with,” Tess said under her breath.
Carrie got the sneaking suspicion that the conversation wasn’t really about the car at all. Was Tess talking about her? Had she figured out that something happened with Ash? Could everyone feel the tension between them? She was working hard to appear neutral in front of the kids, but it wasn’t easy to do with Ash sitting so close.
The rest of the drive was spent discussing mundane things, and Carrie was glad when the trip was over and everyone went about their separate tasks. She needed some time to think and she couldn’t focus clearly while watching Ash out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t mean to keep looking at her, but the woman was just too magnetic to ignore. Her deeply tanned skin and dark hair along with her practically flawless build and knee-weakening smile made her the very embodiment of tall, dark, and handsome. How could anyone be rational when looking at her?
When they all got out of the car Carrie purposefully put some distance between herself and Ash. This is getting ridiculous, she thought. I’m thirty-three years old, not some schoolgirl fawning over the local heartthrob. I’ve got to find a way to get my composure back. There was no way she could spend a whole weekend like this. She’d worked with demeaning deans and unruly students for years and managed to keep a professional relationship with all of them; surely a civil tone during a three-day camping trip wasn’t too much to ask. If only Ash would cooperate with her.
*
Mary got them checked in. The boys unloaded the cars, and Ash helped Michael set up the tents while Carrie talked to the girls about the sleeping arrangements.
Ash listened to their discussion as best she could while still trying to keep Michael from destroying the tents. “There’s going to be one chaperone to each tent,” Carrie said, reciting who was sleeping where. Ash would be sharing with Erin and Kevin, who weren’t thrilled with the coed tent, but Carrie shook her head.
“Nobody will be doing anything but sleeping in those tents,” she said firmly, and Ash couldn’t help but smile.
She liked the thought of Carrie sleeping in the tent next door, but Carrie didn’t seem to return the sentiment. She quickly went about her business, barely acknowledging Ash’s presence. Ash frowned at the cold shoulder but she was determined not to act desperate. She would bide her time until the right opportunity presented itself. She wanted to be in control of the situation, and she was almost able to convince herself that she was.
After everyone had settled in and there was a nice fire going, Ash finally took a moment to look around. The sun had faded below the horizon, and the pink streaks left behind cast a low light across their campsite. Their tents were set up on the edge of a line of timber that got thicker with each step into it. The leaves were almost at their peak color, with reds, oranges, and yellows overshadowing the few remaining patches of green. Several trails were cut into the woods, and although she hadn’t explored any of them, she knew most led to the large lake at the center of the park.
The teens had gone to explore the area, with Michael tagging along to keep an eye on them. Mary was cleaning up some of the snacks that had been scattered around the campsite, and Annie was entertaining Carrie by picking up every stick or leaf she came across and then attempting to put it in her mouth. Ash felt herself melt at the sound of Carrie’s laughter. Annie was obviously displeased with the taste of a twig she chewed before anyone could stop her, and her expressions were priceless.
As Mary scooped up her daughter, Ash strolled over to Carrie. She felt her stiffen, and Carrie didn’t even look at her. Ash cringed at how she lost all ability to be articulate in Carrie’s presence.
After what seemed like an eternity of tense silence, Carrie said, “Ash, what happened on Wednesday—”
“I’m sorry about Rita,” Ash blurted out.
Carrie winced. “This isn’t about Rita.”
Ash cocked an eyebrow but waited before saying anything else.
“At least not directly,” Carrie continued, as if carefully weighing her words.
“I can explain.” Ash could hear the desperation creeping into her voice. Unsettled, she said, “There’s nothing going on between us.”
“You don’t have anything to explain. I honestly don’t want to know about it either way.” Carrie tried to force a smile, but Ash sensed a hint of uncertainty behind the words.
“If you say so,” Ash responded tentatively.
“I can’t afford any distractions in my life right now,” Carrie continued. “I’m up for tenure next year, and while that might not mean anything to you, it’s something that I’ve been working toward for a long time.”
“I understand how important your job is to you.”
“No, you don’t,” Carrie said firmly but without venom, “or you wouldn’t have put me in a position to have to say this, but that’s over now. We both need to move on before we do something we can’t undo.”
Ash felt sick to her stomach. “Carrie, I don’t want to get in the way of your dreams, but—”
“Good, then don’t.” Carrie cut her short. “I want everyone to have a good time here, and for that to happen we have to clear this tension between us. Can we just forget the whole thing ever happened and go about our weekend?”
“You can do that?” A dull ache settled in Ash’s chest.
“I think it would be for the best.”
Ash nodded, hoping that Carrie couldn’t sense how upset she was. “All right, then.”
After Carrie walked away, it took everything Ash had not to sulk for the rest of the evening. She refused to accept that she was hurt. Carrie didn’t seem to feel the way she did about the kiss they’d shared, the kiss that had sent Ash’s whole world spinning. How could they just ignore it and pretend it had never happened? Ash had plenty of experience walking away from good sex, she reasoned, even great sex. She just had to keep telling herself that this was no different.
She shifted to a log near the fire, took a marshmallow from the plastic bag Mary passed around, and roasted it in silence, watching the flames dance. When she felt someone sit down beside her, she dared to hope for a moment but groaned inwardly when she looked up. Tess stared at her expectantly. Her loose blond hair swept across her shoulders and she’d changed into jeans and a tight-fitting long-sleeved T-shirt obviously chosen to show off the shape of her body. Ash couldn’t help but feel the attention to her appearance was not coincidental.
“What’s up, Tess?” she asked as casually as she could.
“Isn’t this a little boring for your tastes?” Tess cocked her head to one side.
Ash shrugged. “I suppose it’s kind of tame.”
“I have an idea to help spice it up.”
“I’m sure you do.”
“Wanna hear it?” Tess slid a little closer.
“No.”
“Maybe you just need a little convincing.” Tess raised her eyebrows suggestively.
Ash shook her head. “Tess, you’re wasting your time practicing on me. Why don’t you aim those teenage hormones at someone who’ll be interested?”
Tess sighed and gave in to a full-fledged pout.
Ash fought to suppress a smile. “Oh, that’s mature.”
“Bite me.”
“Seriously, you’re an attractive, out-and-proud baby dyke. Any of these girls would love for you to ask them out.”
“I don’t want any of these girls,” Tess said.
“Why not? Michelle’s cute and she’s obviously got it bad for you.”
Tess rolled her eyes.
“She wanted to ride with you in the car, and she’s going to be sharing the tent with you and Carrie. She’s gone out of her way all day to be wherever you are,” Ash continued.
“She follows me around, I get it.”
“So? What are you waiting for? Ask
her out.”
“I don’t want to date, I want to fuck,” Tess said flatly.
Ash was speechless, taken aback by the blunt words coming from the mouth of the sixteen-year-old. It wasn’t that she didn’t understand the sentiment. She’d lived by it herself for years. But something cold and detached about the way Tess spoke made her shiver. Before she could come up with a reply, the girl glared at her and stormed off.
“I see you two are getting along well,” Carrie said, plopping down a few feet away.
Startled that Carrie was talking to her, Ash said, “She doesn’t like being told no.”
“Tess can be very assertive.”
“Is that what you call it?”
“She’s got a good heart.” Carrie’s voice was strained, as if she was making an effort to talk. “Sometimes it’s just hard to see through all the walls she puts up.”
“If you say so.” Ash noticed that she’d burned her marshmallow. “Damn, I was so distracted this is charcoal now.”
She scraped away the charred remains and put another one on the stick, aware the whole time of Carrie’s eyes on her. She could feel the tension in her and wondered why she was suddenly making an effort to talk. Ash had half expected her to be distant all weekend. The change of heart was a relief, but also a mystery.
As if they normally talked in this cozy manner, Carrie said, “Her dad isn’t around, and her mom is pretty hard on her. She’s just acting out in the only way she knows how.”
“You don’t have to justify her to me. She can act out all she wants. I just don’t want her directing it at me.”
“She’s directing it at you because she can’t figure out if she wants to date you or be you,” Carrie said.
Ash turned her marshmallow over the fire, thankful to have something to look at since Carrie still wasn’t meeting her eyes. “She doesn’t want to date. She made that perfectly clear. And as for ‘being’ me, that’s some pretty heavy psychological crap.”
“Is that for me?” Carrie indicated the golden marshmallow. Her tone was suddenly lighter.
Ash glanced at her in surprise. “If you want it.”
Without thinking, she plucked the marshmallow from the stick and reached across to pop it into Carrie’s mouth. It was hard to tell if Carrie was blushing or if her cheeks were just red from the fire. Ash licked the melted sugar from her fingers and watched Carrie’s tongue slide across her lips.
Aware of a strange heat rushing beneath her skin, Ash asked, “How was it?”
Carrie stared at her. “Perfect.”
Ash pulled another marshmallow from the bag. “Do I get to have this one, or are you still hungry?”
“I think it’s your turn,” Carrie said. “And I’ll even toast it since you seem to lose your concentration so easily.”
Ash’s heart pounded as Carrie took the stick from her and speared the marshmallow. Impulsively, she asked, “Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
Ash didn’t know how to answer. She decided her imagination was working overtime. Carrie wasn’t flirting with her, she was just trying to pretend everything was normal between them for the sake of the others. She’d made it clear that she didn’t want what had happened between them to spoil the trip.
Resigning herself to keeping up the charade of a platonic friendship, Ash said, “Nothing. I’m just happy you decided to keep me company.”
“There’s no reason why I shouldn’t. I plan to enjoy the weekend.”
“Me, too.” Ash almost fell off her log when Carrie shifted to sit next to her.
“Ready?” Carrie held the stick so that Ash could bite the marshmallow.
Ash chewed awkwardly under Carrie’s steady gaze. Her stomach churned at the thought that Carrie would only have to move a few inches and their thighs would be in contact. She sat very still, her breathing not quite even. Carrie reached for the bag of marshmallows as if it was the most natural thing in the world to let her arm graze past Ash’s body. When she settled back onto the log, the small gap between them closed and Ash could feel the lift of Carrie’s shoulders as she breathed and the warmth of their flesh where it connected. She stole a quick sideways look at Carrie and saw no sign of unease on her face.
For a few minutes, they were quiet, watching the fire. As she relaxed, Ash realized how much she liked the feel of Carrie sitting next to her. It was comfortable, easy. She even let herself wonder what it would be like to have this feeling on a regular basis. The thought disturbed her. She had closed the door on that possibility a long time ago. She knew who she was and didn’t pretend to be anyone else. Anyone who knew her knew she wasn’t the type to settle down.
It wasn’t that she couldn’t understand Carrie’s perspective. Of course she didn’t want to risk her livelihood over a woman who had nothing to offer except some short-term fun in bed; she had too much to lose and little to gain. For some reason, Ash found that truth hard to accept. Puzzled, she stared at Carrie’s hands as she held the stick over the fire once more. She couldn’t believe what she was thinking. That she wanted to take Carrie’s hand and hold it. She wanted to feel close to her, to somehow make this moment more intimate even if that didn’t involve sex.
A shock of dismay rippled past the back of her throat, making her choke slightly. She’d never had a feeling like this in her life. What in hell was going on with her? Stunned, she got to her feet and mumbled something about being tired. She made her way quickly to her tent and crawled into her sleeping bag, shutting her eyes tightly to close out the image of Carrie in the firelight.
You have got to get a grip, she told herself. She couldn’t keep playing these games with Carrie, there was too much at stake. Being close to her also made Ash feel vulnerable, and she couldn’t handle that. It was time for her to get back in control. She’d never questioned the choices she’d made in her life. She liked her freedom and wasn’t about to give that up for anyone. As for Carrie, she could make all the declarations she wanted, but as of tomorrow, Ash was putting the relationship back on her own terms.
Chapter Nine
Carrie was up earlier than most of the teenagers, so she made the most of her quiet time. Grabbing a fresh change of clothes and her blow-dryer, she headed for the closest thing to civilization, the camp’s community bathroom. The shower wasn’t bad at all, and as she soaked in the warm water, she was thankful to remove the smell of last night’s campfire. It wasn’t just the scent of smoke that bothered her, it was the memories. But those proved harder to wash away. Carrie wasn’t completely sure what she’d been thinking when she approached Ash.
She had initially headed that way to check on Tess and had rationalized the start of her conversation with Ash as concern for the teenager as well. She really did still hope that Ash and Tess would connect on some meaningful level, but that wasn’t the only reason she sought out Ash’s company. At some point very early in their conversation she’d forgotten about Tess completely. Ash tended to have that effect on her. She had been unable to stop herself from flirting a little bit.
Flirting? Carrie let out an embarrassed groan. She didn’t flirt. She had a Ph.D., for God’s sake. She was known for being poised, professional, the very image of respectability. Why did all of that disappear any time she was around Ashton Clarke? Her behavior at the fireside last night had been so unlike her. Not to mention how unfair it had been to Ash. So much for sending a clear message about keeping their relationship platonic. She was supposed to be a strong, self-possessed woman, and instead of acting like one she had behaved exactly like she expected one of her students to. Just like Rita.
At that thought Carrie abruptly turned off the shower. She refused to compare herself to Rita. The two of them weren’t alike in any way. She wasn’t going to let Ash turn her into just another fawning admirer. She was in control of her behavior, and she was certainly capable of maintaining a friendly relationship without letting her feelings become sexual.
*
Ash almost turned and wal
ked the other way when she exited the shower stall and found Carrie bent over the sink trying to dry the underside of her unruly brown hair. She wore jeans that hugged her hips ever so slightly and a loose-fitting sweater that looked almost as soft as the hair she was fighting so hard to tame.
Carrie jumped slightly when she noticed Ash. She switched off the blow-dryer and ran her hand through her hair.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Ash said.
“It’s okay.” Carrie examined her reflection in the mirror before giving in to a look of resignation. “There’s only so much I can do with it some days. Of course, being in the wilderness doesn’t help much.”
“You could have fooled me.” Ash took a step closer and made eye contact with Carrie via the mirror. She liked the reflection she saw, the two of them standing together over a bathroom sink. “I think you look great.”
Carrie rolled her eyes and faced Ash as if she was about to say something, but then she seemed to think better of it. Ash caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and realized her white T-shirt and boxers had gotten damp from the steam and were looking rather translucent under the florescent lights. Carrie’s eyes flashed as they moved over her, and Ash couldn’t help but feel pleased that she was noticing her body. She fought to suppress a smile. Carrie just looked so damn kissable when she let down her guard, and it took all the restraint Ash had not to pull her close right then and there.
“Sleep well?” Carrie asked, putting away her toiletries as if she knew she’d been caught staring.
“Yes, I slept fine, thanks.”
In fact, Ash had slept horribly. There was nothing pleasant about sleeping in a small tent between two teenagers. The ground was hard and uneven, and it felt like she was lying directly on a baseball-sized rock. She couldn’t move, however, due to the way she was crammed into a sleeping bag with Erin’s elbow jabbing her on one side and Kevin snoring loudly on the other.
Learning Curve Page 10
