by K. L. Jessop
Chapter Thirty-Two
Andrew
It’s late by the time I arrive at my destination. I’d normally drive as I’ve done it many times before, but I’m too exhausted to concentrate on the long-distance roads. I just need breathing space and time to think, and putting myself and others at risk on the roads is the reason I took the train. Just being here has made a difference already: only in the fact that I don’t have Amelia or Lucas wanting to hold me at gunpoint at every turn. It’s surprising how just by leaving the familiar environment you’re used to can change the way you see things. It gives you a different perspective on life.
After getting a taxi from the train station, I drop my bag by my feet and ring the doorbell, exhaling a heavy sigh as I wait. No matter what the outcome is regarding where I go from here, I know coming here is the right choice. It always is.
As soon as the door opens, I feel the weight lift off my shoulders. Rosa’s warm smile relaxes me instantly and I know I can be me for however long I stay here.
“Andrew?” she smiles softly, her eyes full of concern as they study mine. I have no doubt I have that look on my face that tells her I’m once again troubled with my emotions.
“I’ve fucked everything up, Rosa,” I admit. “I don’t know what’s right anymore.”
Her motherly arms swim around my shoulders before she pecks me on the cheek, smiling at me as though she knew it would only be a matter of time before I arrived. “Come in, son.”
Rosa’s place is a penthouse in London that overlooks the city. The light and the view is magnificent as the summer air fills the room with warmth. She spends the majority of her time here running Marcus’s business while he continues to work in Spring Rose, but we all know her heart is at the coast—it always has been—and that’s why her two-week holidays in the summer seem to extend longer than a month.
A black coffee and a sandwich is placed in front of me, but I’m not in the mood for eating. The first thing I want to try to sort is the shit that’s clouding my head because I feel as though I’m going out of my mind, and I pushed away the one person I would normally turn to now days.
“Thank you. You don’t mind me dropping in on you like this, do you?”
“Of course, not.” She smiles, sitting beside me on the sofa. “To be honest I’ve been waiting for you.”
“How come?”
“I may be getting on a bit, Andrew, but I’m not stupid. I heard about you and Megan, and I know you are surrounded by people that care for the girl and who will express their concerns. And I know you well enough to know that you don’t like people controlling your life. I knew you’d have to escape.”
That would explain why I didn’t get an over-dramatic welcoming or flirtatious gestures. She places her hand on my arm and smiles. “I’m guessing no one has really asked you how you are feeling?”
“Why would they? I’m just the bad guy in their eyes.” I let out a heavy sigh.
“Then now’s your chance to get it out. Tell me.”
Other than Megan, Rosa is the only other person that has a way of getting me to talk. I guess that’s partly why I came here, so I could talk about how I truly feel and not be judged for feeling what consumes me. When Chloe died, Rosa and Marcus were my rocks. I’d only known them a couple of years at that point, but I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for them.
“I tried so hard to keep her out my life, Rosa. All these normal feelings that people feel, all the desires and wants, I buried them. Then, out of nowhere, they were running through me like lava and it scared the shit out of me. She was this big, bright sassy girl invading my life at a fast rate, and I hated her for it because I didn’t want to feel them. But the more I tried to push her away, the more she just kept coming right back like a spitfire until I couldn’t fight her anymore.”
“She’s headstrong.” Rosa smiles. “She reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age.”
That’s more than likely why they get on so well. They’re both as bad as each other and given half the chance, Rosa would be drinking and dancing the night away in Rubies just as hard.
“She changed me. I told her everything about my past and why I’m like I am. I’ve never been able to do that with a woman since Chloe. Megan gave me reason to get out of bed on a morning.” Even though I sleep in it, I hate being in bed without her next me. Waking in the night and reaching for is the worst. “Then, when she told me where she’d been that day, I could have shaken the life out of her. Not because she went behind my back and I was angry, but because she entered a situation where she’d be a prime target for abuse and humiliation. Violet has a way of making the strongest of people feel vulnerable, and I hated the fact that Megan had voluntarily thrown herself into the mix.”
“Because you weren’t there?”
“Exactly. I’ve had first-hand experience of how viscous and vile she can be. The thought of Megan going alone angered me. I knew from that very moment things had changed. It made me wake up and realise.” I look at Rosa who’s concentrating on what I’m saying. I like the fact she doesn’t jump right in with advice or demand answers. She just listens until she’s ready to talk. “I was going to tell her that I wanted to make our relationship more permanent, but after she told me I knew that couldn’t be. I didn’t want her to go and it killed me that I had to do it but I did it so Violet can’t hurt her. If Megan isn’t with me she’s safer. Why is that so hard for people to understand?”
“It’s not, but what makes you think that by not being with her will stop Violet from getting to her? If she wants to cause trouble she won’t give a damn who is by Megan’s side. Maybe she’s better protected in your arms.”
I shake my head in disagreement. “That’s not an option.”
“Why? Because you feel that you can’t?” she says, looking at me. “Or maybe this isn’t about protecting her at all. Maybe it’s because this goes beyond what your heart ever intended this to be and it’s that which is scaring you.”
“Meaning?”
“Love, Andrew. I believe that’s is the root of your problem, and it is what’s really scaring you. I had a similar conversation with Amelia when she couldn’t understand her feelings for Marcus.”
She can’t compare my life with Amelia’s. Yes, hers was damaging just like mine, but it doesn’t equal in feeling the same. “Amelia and I have two very different backgrounds when it comes to relationships.”
“True, but she was still afraid to love, and that’s the issue you yourself are facing now. Am I wrong?”
Lucas pretty much said the same thing but I didn’t want to believe it was true. However, him and Rose have both hit the core of the issue. I’m afraid to love her. “Be honest with yourself, Andrew. You didn’t come here to sort your head out and work out what it is you want. You came here because you’re running from the one thing you know you want and that’s being happy.”
I know in my heart I love Megan, but the panic and memory of my past have stopped me from saying the words sooner, and with her seeing my mother, I guess it gave me and easy escape to block out what I’ve been wanting.
“I can’t think straight, Rosa. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting her go but now I’m not so sure because nothing can fill the void like she can and that’s what’s killing me more than ever. But I’m not prepared to take that risk. I can’t do that to her.”
“And by not taking that risk, you’re letting Violet control your life once more.” She places her hand on my arm. “Think about it, Andrew. You said you don’t like being told what to do. You need to be in control of your life and I get that, but every decision you’ve made hasn’t been for you, it’s been about your mother. And what do you get in return other than a broken heart and more words of hatred thrown you way? It’s too late to please her, so stop trying. It’s too late to gain that relationship you always wanted but never got, so move on. Can’t you see she’s controlling you now and she doesn’t even have to do anything? Forget about her and start thi
nking of you. It’s not too late to start having a life. It’s not too late to love.”
Fuck, she’s right. All this time I’ve been trying to do what’s right. Annie told me to have respect and I’ve always used that, but forever going to visiting my mother on birthdays or yearly celebrations has left me wide open to her putrid ways and I’ve lost my own self-respect in the process. I’m a fucking idiot. I pushed Megan away because of my stupid and pathetic insecurities and it’s taken breaking her heart in order for me to see it. What kind of a fucking man does that make me? Only now I fear I may be too late.
“I’ve screwed everything up. I told her to go.” I sigh, running my hand through my hair. “She deserves better—someone that can make her happy. I just feel as though I’m not enough.”
“You may feel as though you aren’t enough, but to her you are everything."
The ache in my chest is intensive at the thought of never getting Megan back. I’ve lost someone I’ve loved before; I can’t go through that again. “What have I done, Rosa?” I whisper.
She squeezes my arm. “You’ve only done what you thought was best. Maybe you needed to push her away in order to know what it is you truly want.”
I want Megan. I’ve only ever wanted her.
“Do you love her, Andrew?”
“More than anything.”
“Then what are you waiting for? You’ve spent years living in the past and haven’t got any further in life by doing it. It’s time to let go and look at what’s in front of you. Fight for what you want not for what you think you deserve. There’s a beautiful girl with a heart of gold and her arms wide open; you’d be a fool to let her go.”
I knew coming here would be the right move. I just didn’t expect to have the lesson to love slapped in my face an hour after being in the door. I sigh. “You’re right.”
“I’m always right.” She taps me on the leg and stands. Going to the other end of the sofa she throws me my jacket. “Now, as much as I love having you here, I need you to get your handsome ass back to the coast a.s.a.p. to swoon the girl you love before it’s too late.”
I raise my brows. “You’re kicking me out already?”
“Of course, not. I’m not that evil. I’m taking you to dinner.” She grabs her purse and I meet her in the doorway. Kissing my cheek, she grins. “But I want you out by sunrise.”
I laugh. “Jesus, you’re all heart.”
“Damn right I am.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Megan
It’s been over a month since I last saw Andrew, and my heart hasn’t stop hurting. Every time I close my eyes I see him. After being forced out of bed and told to sort my shit out by my brother, I’ve worked from home or at the office at Rubies to try to take my mind off everything. But just because I’m out of bed and I’ve finally peeled his shirt from my body, it doesn’t mean my smile is genuine and it doesn’t mean I no longer cry at night.
I’m numb. I can’t remember the last time I stepped foot on a beach, every invite I’ve had from Amelia, I’ve turned down and I haven’t wanted to put on a dress and hit the dance floor. All those things remind me of Andrew, and when I think of him I can’t breathe.
I can’t keep going on like this; something has to change. After one too many bottles of tequila and realising that the pain isn’t going to go away anytime soon, I need to move forward. Lucas is right: this isn’t me. Why should I let a man take away my happiness just because he’s too scared to hold onto his own?
Being away from everything has given me a lot of time to think things through. I believe Andrew is scared. I told him I love him and he told me to go. Seeing Violet wasn’t his reason it was his excuse, because I truly believe he’s running. Everyone that’s ever been in his life has left him and by pushing me away he’s stopping his heart from being damaged once more. That’s why I’ve waited. I waited for him to realise and come back to me. Only that wait is a day too long because I can’t bear it any longer and hanging on to that late bit of hope that he’s made a mistake is killing me. This past month has felt like an eternity, and I can’t do it anymore. I need to move on, no matter where I am or how hard it will be. I just hope that what I’m about to do is the right thing.
“I can’t believe you’re really doing this,” Amelia cries. Tears fall down her pretty face and my heart rips apart a little bit more.
“Please don’t cry. I’m really struggling here as it is.”
“I hate lying, Megan.”
“You’re not lying. You can tell them as soon as you leave here.”
“Lucas will kill me,” she weeps. “Why can’t you just stay? You promised I’d always have you.”
“And you will,” I sniff. “It’s only for a few months. I’ll be back before you know it.”
“France is too far to go to forget someone.”
I can’t take much more of this. Seeing her this way is not helping my quick exit. I made the decision to go France and stay with an old-school friend for a while. It’s not ideal, and not where I truly want to be because everyone is here, and not only will I be leaving behind the man I love unconditionally, but I’ll be leaving behind my family.
“But I can’t stay, Amelia.” I take her hands, both of us crying as people gather around us. I fucking hate this. I’ve only told Amelia about my plans; telling everyone would make it harder for me to leave, and telling Lucas would have meant I’d never even make the flight. “I can’t stay here. I need time to adjust and find who I am again. I can’t do that knowing he’s just around the corner. I can’t even go to the hotel because I’m afraid of seeing him in the corridor and falling apart. You must understand that?” She doesn’t answer me. She’s doing her guilt trip thing by looking at me with those big blue watery eyes. “You can come visit.”
“You could just stay.”
“Amelia, please don’t make this any harder.”
The intercom announces that I need to head over to check in, and my stomach flips. I throw my arms around my best friend, the burn in my throat with the onslaught of tears is choking as we stand in the middle of the airport saying our goodbyes.
“Get a later flight. I can fly to London with you and wait for your connection flight.”
“No.” I shake my head. It’s her way of stalling me. “You can leave me now, and you don’t tell anyone until this afternoon, right?”
“Megan, please,” she whispers through tears.
“I mean it, Amelia!” I raise my voice at her, needing to get a hold of myself before I fall apart completely. “You need to get a grip here. You’re not helping.”
Taking her hands, I hold them tight in mind and look at her. I never thought the day would come when we’d be separated for longer than a week or two, but I guess love can drive you to do irrational things. “I love you. Please look after my boys for me. Tell Lucas I’m sorry and tell him not to kill Andrew. I don’t want to find out he’s in prison when I return.”
“Promise me you’ll come home.”
“I promise.” I smile, licking the salty tears from my lip. “Besides, someone has to show the town how to dance on tables.” I hug her again, holding on to her like my life depends on it before walking away and not looking back. My heart bursts and my tears cascade heavily down my face as I leave her crying. She’s been through so much and I can’t believe I’m leaving her behind. If it weren’t for the fact that Lucas is now here and she has Marcus to keep her safe, I’d never have given this a thought, but times change and people move on. She can go home and cry in the arms of the man that loves her. I can’t, and it’s that what brings me here today. I’ve never fallen in love before, and Andrew has ripped through my world and made me fall head over heels before tumbling me to the ground. I’m sick to the stomach of feeling weak and it has to stop.
Once I round the corner, I rest against on the wall to gather myself. I have just over an hour until I’m out of Spring Rose and I can restart and find me again. The departures lounge looks busy as I wait to go thr
ough. Families with excitable children fill the waiting area with their loved ones and friends. Then there’s me: a blonde mess avoiding eye contact. Against my better judgement, I take my phone from my bag and scroll through the images in my album. I smile at the pictures of Amelia and me poking out our blue tongues from our gobstoppers and a stupid drunken one that I can’t remember taking, Lucas and me pulling silly faces and one of Marcus and Jack kissing my cheek playfully.
My heart aches with sorrow. I head to the bathroom and place my bag on the sink and look into the mirror at my sorry state. What the hell am I doing here? It’s normally Amelia who’s runs at the thought of change. Leaving this place to forget Andrew will solve nothing once I return. Maybe France is too far to get over him. Maybe I can just move coasts. I’d still be close to my family but far enough away to regroup.
“Are you alright, dear?” An elderly lady says sweetly.
“I’m not really sure,” I admit as I wash my face with cool water.
“Leaving to fly back home?” she asks.
“More like leaving home to find myself.”
“Huh, I see.” She smiles. She dries her hands on the paper towel and turns back to me. “I don’t wish to pry, but can I give you a little advice that my Grandfather gave to me?”
“Of course.”
“Whenever I’d come to a crossroads in my life I wanted to run. He was smart. He’d take my hands and say ‘Ellen, flying from the reason won’t solve the problem.’ and he was always right.” She places her cool hand on my cheek. “Don’t run sweetheart.”
With that she leaves. She’s right. I am flying from the reason and it won’t solve anything at all. It will only cause me more pain because now not only am I running to escape these feelings, I’m saying goodbye to all the people that I love too.
I’m going home.
I head out of the toilet in search for the desk. I’ll just breathe it out and get through it one day at a time. I’m Megan Simmons and it’s about fucking time I started acting like her again.
