Back inside, they worked side by side to make dinner and then sat at Petja’s table to eat it. Trace brought the little book right to the table and began to ask her questions about it. She finally asked him, “I thought you said you didn’t understand Dutch. How can you read it when you don’t understand it?”
He looked at her like he thought she’d gone crazy. “I can’t read Dutch, Giselle. What are you talking about?”
Picking up the book, she began on the page he had open and read it aloud. It was written in Dutch. He looked shocked and snatched it from her hand and stared at it for a second. Then he looked at her in complete confusion. He paged back a few pages and then turned back to the first and looked up, still confused. He didn’t say a word, just looked at her, and then shook his head. “Giselle, I’ve been reading this book for weeks, from the very first day you collapsed on the wagon. I’ve been able to read it just fine. I’ve never even noticed that it wasn’t written in English.”
At first she thought he was kidding her, and then when she realized he was serious, the hair on the back of her neck began to stand on end. “You could read it?” He nodded. “And you understood it all?”
“Every word. Now that you pointed it out, it’s completely foreign.” She looked at him again, wondering if he was playing a joke, but he wasn’t.
Their eyes met for a long moment and she wondered out loud, “Is that some form of the gift of tongues?”
“I don’t know what it is, but I know I’ve been reading this journal for weeks and it has helped me.”
“What do you mean, it has helped you?”
He hesitated. “It has been very thought provoking. I’ve learned about your grandparents and their wonderful relationship and it’s helped me to understand more about your religion and why the Mormons have done the things they have. It’s definitely helped me to understand you better.”
Wondering what he meant, she looked at him, worried. “What has it helped you to understand better about me? What would there be about me that you wouldn’t understandanyway?”
“Oh maybe things like the fact that you are Dutch, or Mormon, or especially that you’re female. How’s a poor, uneducated lout like me supposed to understand that without a little help from Josiah and Petja?”
“Poor, uneducated lout?” She laughed at him, but then picked up the book to thumb through it. “What’s in here that would help you understand females?”
“This book,” He took it from her almost reverently, “has a great many pearls of wisdom for a simple boy like me.” He paused as he turned pages. “Whether I’ll ever be able to read it and understand it again is the question.” He glanced up at Giselle. “Will it come back? The gift of tongues? Will I ever be able to read and understand Dutch again?”
She shook her head. “You’re asking me, Trace? I thought this little book helped you understand me. If that was the case, you’d know I can’t answer a question like that. You’ll have to ask someone far more spiritually in tune than me.”
He thought about that for a minute and then gently said, “I’ve never known anyone more spiritually in tune than you, Elle. In my whole life, I’ve never been around someone with a spirit about them like you.”
She leaned across the table and patted his hand. “It’s kind of you to say that, Trace, but I’m sure you’re mistaken. Mose is the only friend of yours I know very well, but he’s far more in tune than me.”
Trace was quiet for a minute while he considered that. “I wonder if Mose would know if the understanding will come back.” He was thoughtful for another second and then asked, “Would you read it to me, Giselle? I’m almost done with it. I only have about a fifth of it left. Would you mind?”
“No, of course not. Do you want me to read it to you tonight?”
“Is there anything else you need to do right now?” She smiled, “Just knit your stockings. Here.” She got up and handed him the tangled, lumpy yarn. “I’ll read, you knit. It will probably look much better that way.”
Trace chuckled at her as she came back to sit at the table. “It’ll come, Elley. Just be patient. It may never be your gift, but you’ll figure it out eventually, just like you’ve figured out everything else.”
Chapter 14
That night in bed, Giselle thought about those words. She hadn’t figured everything else out. She certainly hadn’t figured out how to deal with his physical affection when she was lying beside him. He was being exceptionally snuggly again in his sleep, and she was worrying more than ever about trying to learn to live without him.
She thought about Brother Gibson, the older man who had approached her about becoming his second wife, and nearly groaned just at the thought. There was no way she was going to be able to just go on with her life as if she’d never known and fallen in love with Trace. His breath on her neck gave her goose bumps, and she slipped out of bed to retreat to the rocking chair again. Trace thought they were only a week or two from the valley. She’d just have to get more thick-skinned between now and then.
The next day, Trace seemed more like himself and she hoped his head was finally healed up from being struck so hard. She read to him for an hour or so in the afternoon and then again in the evening after dinner. It had been interesting, reading her grandparents’ thoughts to him, until she got to the place where they recorded what had happened the night she was attacked.
When she realized what was coming, she swallowed hard and tried to make her heart stay calm and her stomach behave, but she had to get up and rush out of the cave to be sick in the snow. She hadn’t started to translate what was coming and Trace had no idea what was going on when she stopped so abruptly and all the blood drained from her face. He followed her out and put a hand on her back as she was sick and then handed her a handkerchief as she stood back up, his eyes studying her, trying to understand.
She turned away from him and when they were back in the cave, she quietly closed the book. “Let’s don’t read anymore tonight, Trace. I’m tired. Can we just go to bed?”
Still watching her, he nodded, “Sure. Whatever is fine, Giselle.” She undressed and slid between the quilts, still sick to her stomach, while Trace watched her without saying anything. When she was in and quiet, he banked the fire, and blew out the candle and undressed and climbed in beside her, obviously wondering what was going on, but she couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t even think about it and willed her mind to think of anything else.
Without realizing it, she turned away from him, pulled herself into as little a ball as she could, and for a good half hour, battled her mind to go anywhere but to thoughts about that awful, black night.
She tried, but it was hopeless. The memories of that night hit her like a sledgehammer. Once more she had to run out into the snow, only now bare footed, with Trace right behind her. This time when she lay back down beside him, he went to pull her into his embrace, but she still couldn’t face him and pulled away.
He kept at her until she finally let him pull her against his chest there in the dark, and she couldn’t help the tears that came in a rush. She still tried to think of something else, but just reading those few words until she’d understood what was coming had completely overcome her, and she couldn’t seem to get her thoughts under control. Her heart began to pound and it was hard to breathe and the tears hit with a wall of fear and revulsion.
She didn’t know how long it was before she felt Trace pulling her tighter and tighter against him, and even though he was almost starting to hurt her, it helped. She was able to focus on him and his strength and leave a little bit of the fear and horror of that night behind. Slowly, she began to listen to him speaking her name and hugging her painfully tight, and she mentally rolled into him just as she had those nights on the trail when the wolves had frightened her. He had no way of knowing what was going on, but still he held her and told her over and over that he had her and that she was okay here with him.
Finally, she began to understand that she was indeed safe, that nev
er again would she be treated the way she had then, and that Trace could protect her even mentally from the hateful men who had hurt her so badly both physically and emotionally. She understood then that the terrible memories could be pushed back and that she didn’t have to let them overwhelm her tonight here in his arms.
At length, she got control of the tears and her racing heart, and she clung to Trace like he was a port in a maelstrom of fearful memories. He still held her tight and she could begin to feel where he stroked her hair and shoulder and back as he continued to talk to her in her ear over and over, telling her that she was okay.
Eventually, the reality of him and his strength overcame the illusions in her head and heart and she let herself be drawn into his touch and she turned away from the fear her thoughts had brought on. Exactly opposite of the other nights, she tried to focus on him and his hands and voice and to leave the painful memories in the past where she had tried so hard, for so long to leave them.
As she calmed down, Trace’s strength backed off and his touch became gentle where it had been iron. He stroked her back softly and pushed her hair back from her face and gently tugged on it. His touch was cathartic, with his warm voice in her ear like a melody in the background, and she let herself almost drown in the sound as it drew her further and further from the mental and emotional anguish that had overwhelmed her earlier.
Physically she was exhausted by the thoughts and feelings that had come pounding back. Finally, she fell into the sweet oblivion of sleep there in his arms, safe from the terrors that threatened to crush her.
*****
What Trace had just seen scared him. This beautiful, strong and resilient young woman who had withstood everything from the rigors of the trail to having to kill someone, had shattered right here in his arms tonight. He didn’t know what she had started to read in the diary, but he had an idea that it involved the night that she had been attacked by the mob.
Mose had intimated that she had never dealt with it, but Trace had thought he was wrong, simply because she was so gracefully handling all of the stresses that she had been placed under. Feeling her come apart like this tonight made him understand that Mose had indeed been right. Frighteningly right. Someday she was going to have to figure out how to channel all of that terrible fear and pain. For right now, he was just grateful that they had made it through that in one piece at all. Jehoshaphat, she had been troubled!
He still held her to him, more gently than before, but firmly so that she’d know he was there protecting her even in her deepest sleep. He himself had shied away from dwelling on what had happened to her when she was attacked, and it had only touched him briefly and after the fact. The painful reality of it must have been horrific to still be affecting her this overwhelmingly this many months later.
He wondered again what kind of men could harm a beautiful, sweet young spirit like her. He had no idea how to even start to deal with something like this. He’d said that reading the journal had helped him understand her and it had. Now he just wished desperately that he could still interpret it so he could understand this without having to put her through any more anguish over it.
As Trace held her to him so gently, he began to pray for guidance and strength. As hard as it was for him to deal with this, it must be nothing compared to her struggle. Hours later, when he finally felt like he could sleep, he was ultimately grateful that he couldn’t read the journal anymore. It was enough to know that the memories could eat her alive without having to know all the horrible details of what that hellish night must have been like for her. All he truly needed to know was that she had been so deeply harmed by evil men and that she needed a greater power of good to shield her from it now.
Once again, as he finally drifted off to sleep, he wished desperately for the power that Josiah had blessed her with that day. That power could have brought her such needed comfort tonight.
Deep in the night he felt her begin to tremble again and her heart begin to race. Still somewhat asleep, he pulled her back into that tight embrace and began to talk to her. This time, she wasn’t awake and he hoped she didn’t wake up. Being awake in this kind of fear would only make it seem all the more real and frightening.
He held her and stroked her, whispered gentle reassurances against her skin, and gratefully felt her relax back into him. He remembered that first nightmare she’d had out on the trail. He wished he’d known then the kind of troubles that she’d been struggling with. He would have been able to help her better if he had.
Bringing her comfort was heaven. Holding her and touching her to dispel her fears was a mixed blessing. Having her tight in his arms was wonderful, controlling himself was a bear. Even terrified, she was a very tempting entity. He pressed his lips to her brow and breathed in the sweet smell of her skin.
It was no wonder he’d kissed her in his sleep that night. It was an almost overwhelming urge. Trying to think of anything other than how good she felt here in his arms, he wondered how he had ever been able to resist her these last months, and how he was going to be able to for the next couple of weeks until they had her safely back with her people.
The thought of leaving her behind to continue on to California was too hard to even begin to deal with tonight. He pulled her into his embrace even closer and pushed it completely out of his head for now. He couldn’t bear to start heading there.
*****
Giselle woke up in the darkness of the cave and wondered if it was morning yet. She couldn’t see the pale crack in the ceiling, but her body felt like this night had lasted forever. She started to remember what had happened whenshe’d been reading to Trace the night before, and her mind shied away so hard that she felt herself wince. Even without reliving the memories, she knew she’d pretty well come apart on Trace and had given him absolutely no explanation about why.
He still held her tightly against him. That strength and his willingness to be there for her even without understanding had been her salvation during those terrifying memories. How she wished that she’d had his strength all those months and months before. He had been an incredible comfort to her literally from the day she’d met him. She rolled even tighter against him and sighed. Watching him drive away toward California was going to be the hardest thing she’d ever have to do.
Mentally shaking herself, she pushed the thought out of her head and literally chose not to think about that right now. Right now she needed to breathe in his security like life-giving air, and she didn’t have the energy in her spirit to fight any other fights this morning. He was here beside her, sharing his ever-steady, ever-assuring stability with her, and for that she would be grateful all the days of her life.
This man had been a rock to lean on from that first night and had never let her falter even once. He wouldn’t let her wobble here this morning either, and that knowledge brought her a sweet, healing peace that she let seep into her bones. She leaned her forehead against his chest, feeling almost overcome with gratitude. He had been her greatest gift ever, one she would never forget.
Still mostly asleep, Trace felt her sigh against him. The tremulous fear was gone and the sound she had just made was a happy one, he was sure of it. He pulled her closer and ran a gentle hand down her back, unbelievably grateful she was going to be okay. He should have known. She’d been so tough through this whole trip from the get-go. He thought back to all the things she’d dealt with on this wagon trail and smiled sleepily. She was an incredible woman. It was no wonder he’d fallen in love with her right from the start.
She stirred against him and looked up at him in the near dark of the cave and he saw her gentle smile. Leaning in, she kissed his chest and it made his heart trip for just a second. Her voice was tired, but peaceful when she whispered, “Thank you, Trace. Thank you for saving me again. I’m sorry that I got so upset last night. I didn’t realize how Grandfather’s journal would affect me. Please forgive me.”
He pulled her head gently to him. “I’m sorry too, Elley. I would never
have asked you to read it if I’d known. Please forgive me as well.”
“Oh, Tracey. You have nothing to forgive.” She shook her head. “You’ve been my best and dearest friend ever. No one has ever been as good to me as you. Thank you.” She paused. “I feel like I owe you an explanation. But I don’t think that I can really talk about things yet. Can I just tell you that the journal entry was about the night the mob came and leave it at that?”
He wrapped both arms around her gently. “Of course, Elle. The last thing in the world I want would be to make you upset. Please don’t feel like you owe me an explanation. I absolutely understand. But can I tell you how proud I am of how strong you are? This whole trip you’ve amazed me. You are the strongest woman I’ve ever known and I have a great respect for you.”
Slowly, she let out a long sigh. “Thanks, Trace. That’s the nicest thing I’ve ever been told, I think.”
They lay there like that for a long time. Neither one of them wanted to move or speak for fear it would break the sweet spell that had been cast on the cave around them. As cold and treacherous as this last part of the trip would probably prove to be, this time together would be a treasured memory for both of them forever.
The crack in the ceiling did eventually lighten, but only slightly. Giselle got out of bed, started the fire, and peeked out of the blanket at the storm that had picked up again. It had been five days, and though the storm had calmed some in all that time, it had never cleared up even once. There was more than two feet of snow on the level. This morning the wind had strengthened and the snow that was piled up now blew sideways in a ground blizzard that left no visibility at all.
She could hardly see past the mouth of the cave in front of the stock and that white blur made her afraid. How were they ever going to get to the valley in all that? She turned and went back into the peace and security of the inner cave. She’d come back and milk and gather feed in a while. For now, she needed the warmth and shelter of the cave, even if it was just for her emotions.
Journey of Honor A love story Page 17
