by Blythe Reid
“What?” I demanded. “You think I’m not good enough for her?”
“It’s not about being good enough,” Adam said. “It’s about being serious enough. I saw this girl, okay? I know the way she looks at you. She wants something real, something serious. She isn’t looking to just fuck for a while and then part ways. She’s falling for you.”
I knew Adam was right, but I’d never thought of Scarlet’s feelings as a bad thing before. In fact, I hadn’t really thought much about it at all. We were just having so much fun together that I never took the time to worry about anything else.
“It’s not just about her,” Adam continued. “Is this really what you want? To be tied down during your senior year?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I like her, man.”
“I know you do,” Adam nodded. “And that’s great. I’m just saying, you need to make sure this is really what you want. Because, if you don’t, you’re going to destroy her and yourself.”
“I gotta go,” I said. “Class is about to start.”
“Look,” Adam said. “I didn’t mean to bust on you, okay? I’m just looking out for you.”
“I know,” I said. “No worries.”
With that, I turned and left the coffee shop. The coffees were warm in my hands as I walked to class. It wasn’t far, but the walk was long enough for my mind to wander. I replayed Adam’s words in my head, wondering if he was right.
At first, I was pissed. What right did Adam have to tell me how to live? He didn’t know anything about me and Scarlet. We were great together and nothing else mattered. So what if she was falling for me? What did that matter? If anything, that just made what we had more important. Besides, I wasn’t the kind of guy to break her heart. Was I?
As I stepped into the classroom, I instinctively looked around for Scarlet’s hair. She was always easy to spot, a bright red head in a sea of blondes and brunettes. Like always, I smiled when I saw her and hurried to join her. I slid into my usual seat and handed her the coffee.
“Thank you,” she said. “I was seriously craving some caffeine.”
“I figured,” I said. I tried to keep my smile, but it was hard. My conversation with Adam was still running on a loop in my brain.
“This weekend was fun,” Scarlet said teasingly as she leaned closer to me. She kissed my cheek gently and waited for me to turn my head. I knew she wanted a real kiss, but I couldn’t bring myself to deliver. I felt awkward and uncomfortable just sitting beside her.
Scarlet sat back in her seat once class began. She kept glancing at me with a frown on her face, but she didn’t speak, and neither did I. I didn’t know what to say. How could I explain to her what just happened with Adam? She wouldn’t understand his concern, and if she did, she would just dismiss it. Scarlet had a way of ignoring things she didn’t like. It might have been her naïveté or just her desire to be happy, but either way, it sometimes got in the way of reality.
For the past month, I’d loved being with Scarlet. No matter how much time we spent together, I never grew sick of her. We could be together for hours or days, and I was fine. More than fine. Every time we kissed, I felt my body ache for hers. When we had sex, it was like puzzle pieces coming together. We were crazy and rough, but also intensely intimate. It was by far the best sex I’d ever had. Until today, I never imagined ending it.
I wanted to push Adam’s words away without a second thought, but I couldn’t. Part of me knew he was right. I wasn’t the kind of guy to commit to one woman. I was the guy who slept with flight attendants in airports and had threesomes in France. I was the Delta Pi President who met and deflowered a girl all within one hour. I was a legend, a playboy, but I was not a boyfriend.
All through class, I couldn’t shake Adam’s warnings. He told me to get out now, before things got messy. I hated the idea because I loved being with Scarlet, but it made sense. It was smart. Why spend time with this girl just to leave her in the end? The longer we lasted, the harder she would take the breakup. It would crush her. It would destroy the happiness she worked so hard to find for herself. I cared about her enough to want to spare her that pain.
Still, I didn’t know how I could just turn my back on her now. After all the nights we spent together and all the conversations we’d had, we were bonded. We were connected. I couldn’t just sever that connection. I still wasn’t even sure I wanted to.
As class ended, I cursed Adam for running into me at the coffee shop. If I’d never seen him, everything would be fine. I wouldn’t feel so confused, so conflicted. Scarlet and I would be leaving class holding hands and laughing, just like we always did. Instead, class ended and I stood up without a word. I didn’t wait for Scarlet before I left the room. I could feel her behind me, following closely, but I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t bring myself to face her.
“Hey,” Scarlet said once we made it outside. She grabbed my arm and turned me around to face her. “What’s up? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said too quickly. “I just feel really sick all of a sudden.”
“Oh,” Scarlet said, her forehead furrowing with concern. “What hurts?”
“Everything,” I said. “I think I just need to get home. I’ll catch up with you later, okay?”
She nodded. “Sure. Get some rest.”
“Yeah, I will.”
I turned and hurried away, wanting to put as much distance between us as possible. Even that small amount of conversation was too much. I knew it wasn’t right to lie to her, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t be around her until I figured out what I wanted. Adam’s damn warning was still echoing loudly in my head.
When I reached the Delta house, I disappeared into my room and collapsed on my bed. My head was spinning, and I hated the feeling. Never in my life had I spent this much time and energy worrying about a girl. If I even bothered to take a woman out on a date, the goal was sex. Once we had sex, I was gone. I was out the door before she could even open her eyes in the morning. I didn’t waste time wooing girls, and I certainly didn’t stick around for an entire month afterward. I felt like I was drifting further away from the person I used to be.
I laid in my bed for the rest of the day, just thinking. Maybe Adam was right. This was not the way I wanted to spend my senior year, lying in bed stressing over a girl. Scarlet was great, but was she really worth all of this? Was she worth wasting my senior year and all the opportunities that came with it? I didn’t know the answer to these questions, but I knew Adam’s words rung true. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I wasn’t the kind of guy to commit, and I didn’t know if I ever would be.
22
Scarlet
Lexie and I left class that day arm in arm. Over the past month, we’d grown closer. My relationship with Lucien took up a lot of my time, but when we weren’t together, I was with Lexie. She quickly became my best friend, and I couldn’t imagine not having her around to talk to. Whenever anything new happened with Lucien, Lexie was my first call. Before moving to New York, I never had a girlfriend. I was beyond grateful when I found Lexie.
“So,” she said as we walked. “Finish telling me what happened.”
“I don’t even know,” I said weakly. “He came into class this morning and he was just, weird. He brought me coffee, which was sweet, but we barely talked. Then, he practically ran away from me after class. He said he wasn’t feeling well, but I don’t know. It was just weird.”
“Sounds like it,” Lexie said thoughtfully. “Maybe he really was sick.”
“Maybe,” I said, nodding. “I’m probably just reading into it.”
“You are,” Lexie said with confidence. “Lucien cares about you.”
I laughed. “Since when did you become such a Lucien advocate? You used to hate him.”
“I never hated him,” she defended. “I just didn’t trust him, but he’s proven himself over time. I mean, he wouldn’t have stuck around for an entire month if he wasn’t really into you.”
“For what?” she asked.
“For totally falling for him?”
My fear was evident in my voice. Lexie leaned close to me and shook her head.
“No,” she said. “You are not crazy. You’re just a normal girl.”
“That doesn’t sound like a compliment,” I groaned.
She laughed. “It’s not.” I nudged her with my hip and she laughed harder.
It was easy to be with Lexie. I could talk about my feelings without fear of judgement. She told me everything about her love life, and I did the same. We talked about everything with an open-minded policy. No matter how emotional one of us was, the other just listened. I had no idea what I would do without her.
While we walked, my phone began to ring in my pocket. I detached myself from Lexie to pull it out. When I looked down at the screen, I saw that it was my mom. We hadn’t talked in a long time, and I was actually happy she was calling. I couldn’t wait to tell her about my new life and how happy I was.
“I should take this,” I told Lexie. “It’s my mom.”
“No worries,” she said. “I gotta go.”
I waved at Lexie and then answered the phone.
“Hi,” I said brightly. “I’m glad you called.”
“You are?” my mom asked. She sounded pleasantly surprised.
“I am,” I said. “We haven’t talked in forever. How are you? How’s work?”
“Work is fine,” she said. “Just busy as always. How are your classes going?”
“Really well,” I said proudly. “I shouldn’t have any problem graduating on time.”
“Are you learning anything?” she asked suspiciously. My mom always hated American schools. For some reason, she believed them to be inferior to European schools.
“I’m learning a ton,” I promised. “And not just in class.”
“Oh?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “This city is teaching me so much. I learn something new every single day. I’m obsessed, Mom. I love it here.”
“I’m glad to hear you’re doing well,” she said without emotion.
“I’m doing great!” I gushed. Now that we were talking, I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to tell her everything. “I met this amazing girl named Lexie. She’s my best friend. You would love her.”
“I’m sure I would,” Mom said.
“And, I’m seeing this guy. Lucien,” I said. “He’s… Mom, he’s perfect. I know that sounds cliché and immature, but he’s so amazing. Every time we’re together I get butterflies. I can’t even tell you how much I—”
“You have a boyfriend?” she interrupted.
“Um,” I paused. “I’m not sure if I would call him a boyfriend. I mean, we’ve been seeing each other for about a month now.”
“You didn’t think that was something you should tell me?” she snapped.
“I would have,” I said. “But we haven’t talked lately. I’m telling you now.”
“After a month,” she said.
“Well,” I began, but I didn’t know what else to say. My mom was never supportive of me having a life, but I thought things would be different now. After all, I was almost twenty-two and living in a different country. I didn’t think boys were really a concern anymore.
“I’m extremely disappointed right now,” she said. “I sent you there to help your grandmother, Scarlet, not frolic around with some boy.”
“I am helping,” I said quickly. “Grandmother and I spend time together all the time. She really likes Lucien.”
“She’s met him?” Mom asked.
“Of course,” I said.
“She didn’t tell me, either,” Mom said, speaking more to herself than to me.
“It’s not a big deal,” I said. “It’s just one guy, Mom. I’m not out sleeping with half the school.”
“Are you sleeping with this boy?!”
I realized my mistake too late. Despite my desire to tell my mother about my life, I never intended to divulge so much. The fact that I lost my virginity was personal and no one’s business but my own.
“I—” I said, but she didn’t let me finish.
“You need to come home,” she said firmly. “You’re obviously not doing well in New York. This was a mistake.”
“No,” I said. “Mom, you’re overreacting. I’m halfway through the semester. I can’t leave now! Besides, Grandmother needs me.”
“I can’t trust you to make the right decisions,” she said. “You’re coming home.”
“This is insane!” I snapped. “You’re just angry because I’m finally living my life! You never wanted me to experience anything, and now that I am, you’re throwing a hissy fit. Grow up, Mom. That’s what I’m trying to do!”
“Don’t you dare speak to me that way,” she snarled. “I am your mother.”
“You’re not my mother, you’re my prison guard!” I yelled. “God, I had to travel halfway across the world just to go to my first frat party. Do you see how ridiculous that is? Mom, you’re out of control. I’m an adult.”
“That’s enough!” she yelled back. “First, I find out you’re dating some strange boy, and now, you’re saying you went to a frat party. You are completely out of control. What frat party was this?”
“It was Delta Pi,” I said. “It was their first party of the year, but what does that even matter?”
My mother didn’t answer. Instead, she hung up on me without a word. The line went dead, and I was left standing in the middle of the sidewalk, staring open-mouthed at my phone. My heart was pounding from our fight, and I couldn’t believe what just happened.
When I saw my mom’s name on my phone’s screen, I’d been excited. I couldn’t wait to tell her about my life. I was so sure she would be happy for me. After all, I was an adult now, and she was my mom. Weren’t mothers supposed to want the best for their daughters? Weren’t they supposed to encourage and support them?
When I was finally over my shock, I stuffed my phone in my pocket and made my way back home. My grandmother would be waiting for me to start dinner. Monday nights were my night to cook, and I didn’t want to let my foul mood keep her waiting. She didn’t deserve that. I hurried through the streets, not slowing down until I reached the front door. With a sigh, I stepped inside and tossed my bag to the ground.
“Grandmother!” I called.
“In the kitchen, dear,” she called back.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” I said as I walked over to her. “You won’t believe what just happened. Mom called me.”
“I know,” she said. “She called me, too.”
I stopped dead and stared at my grandmother. Her eyes were already on mine, and she looked serious. Her forehead creased with worry, and her green eyes were darker than I’d ever seen them. I immediately knew something was wrong. Slowly, I sat down beside her and waited for her to tell me what happened.
“You mother called me after she spoke with you,” Grandmother began. “She’s insisting you go home, back to France.”
I nodded. “I know. But, it’s only because—”
Grandmother held up her hand to silence me. “She filled me in. And I don’t want to get in the middle of you and Claire, Scarlet. That’s not my place. All I’m doing is relaying the message. Your mother wants you home.”
“What about you?” I asked. “You need me here.”
“Claire already called an in-home nursing service,” she said. “Apparently, she can get someone out here quickly.”
I felt the wind knocked out of me. I stared at my grandmother in utter shock. Nothing about this made any sense. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was doing well in school and making friends. I’d even found myself a nice guy to spend time with. Everything about my life was perfect here. New York was the first place that ever truly felt like home. I knew who I wanted to be and who I was. I couldn’t just give it all up and move back.
“Grandmother,” I said softly. “D
o you want me to leave?”
“Of course, not,” she said kindly. “This isn’t my decision.”
“Okay,” I said with a nod. “I’ll be upstairs.”
“All right,” she said.
I got up and hurried to my room. Closing the door behind me, I fell on my bed and set my emotions free. Tears of anger and sadness streamed down my cheeks as I remembered my mother’s harsh words.
She told me she was disappointed in me. That, more than anything, cut me like a knife. After all the effort I put into building a life for myself, it broke my heart that she would just dismiss it like that. And not just dismiss it, but actually be angry at me for it.
I couldn’t stand the idea of just leaving New York behind. My classes were interesting, and I was doing really well in them. My grades were great, and I was happy. If I left now, I would lose credits, and it would take longer for me to graduate. It didn’t make sense to leave, but I knew my mom wouldn’t care about that. All she cared about was keeping me in line. If she wanted me home, then she wouldn’t give up until I obeyed.
Still, as I laid there thinking about my options, one thing kept circling through my head. I didn’t have to listen to her. At twenty-two years old, I was an adult. I could make my own decisions about where I wanted to live and who I wanted to spend time with. My mom, despite her controlling nature, held no true power over me. If I decided to stay in New York, there wasn’t a thing she could do about it.
For the first time in my life, I considered disobeying my mother. Other than a few white lies here and there, I always did what she said. She spent my entire life making sure I feared her, but now, that was no longer the case. I wasn’t afraid of her anymore, but the idea of telling her no still made me nervous. I didn’t want to sever ties with my mom if I didn’t have to, but I couldn’t just blindly listen to her anymore.
I didn’t know what to do. My head was spinning, and I grew more confused by the second. I decided the only way I could make this decision was if I talked to Lucien. Sitting up in bed, I grabbed my phone and dialed his number.
