by Blythe Reid
“It was my fault,” I said. “I was too stupid to realize the truth. That’s why I’m leaving, Grandmother. Mom was right. I’m not ready for this. For any of it. If I can’t even see when a guy is using me, then how I can I trust any of my decisions?”
Grandmother smiled kindly and moved closer to me on the bed. She placed her hand gently on my leg and looked in my eyes. The amount of understanding in her expression was enough to make my eyes well with tears. No one had ever looked at me with so much sympathy and love before. It was overwhelming.
“You aren’t stupid,” she said softly. “You did the same thing every woman has done before you. You let your heart lead you, and that is never the wrong choice.”
“But, it was,” I argued. “He didn’t care about me.”
“Maybe not,” Grandmother said. “But you cared about him, right?”
“Yes,” I said. “Of course, I did.”
“Then, what was wrong about it?” Grandmother asked. “Tell me, where was the mistake?”
“He hurt me,” I said simply.
“And that makes it a mistake?” she asked.
“Doesn’t it?” I asked.
“No,” she shook her head. “It hurts, and it will probably hurt for a long time, but that just means it was real. It doesn’t make it wrong or a mistake. It doesn’t make you stupid or untrustworthy. I’ve watched you closely since you’ve been here, Scarlet. From what I’ve seen, you haven’t made a single bad decision. You’ve just made decisions. You’ve experienced life in ways you never would have back home. Once you get over this pain, you’ll realize just how much you learned from your time here. You’ll realize it was worth it.”
Grandmother’s words warmed my heart. For the first time in days, I didn’t feel like a failure. I wasn’t sure I believed her, but it felt nice to hear.
“You don’t think I should leave, do you?” I asked, suddenly coming to that realization.
“I think,” she began. “That going home could be a really good thing. You’ve lived here, you’ve learned, and now you’re leaving. That’s a natural progression. But I also think staying could be a good choice, too. That’s the thing, Scarlet. Sometimes there isn’t a right or a wrong choice. You just have to do what you feel is right.”
“What if I can’t trust myself?” I asked.
“You can,” she smiled softly. “You just have to remember that you can.”
I nodded and looked away. It was all too much for me to take in. I was already leaving. There was no way around that fact. The second I gave in to my mom’s wish, I lost my ability to fight. The decision was made, and that was it.
Still, I let my grandmother’s words comfort me in my decision. She was right about one thing, decisions were complicated. Sometimes, they aren’t wrong or right. Sometimes, they just are. I didn’t know if my choice to leave would be for the best or the worst, but I was making it. That was one thing I learned during my time in New York, how to choose. Before, I let other people decide my life for me. Now, I was the one in control. If that was the only thing I took away from New York, then I would be okay. At least I’d learned something.
25
Lucien
Thanksgiving break was just around the corner, which meant my class work was piling up more every day. I sat in the Delta Pi common room with my books strewn all around me and tried to focus. No matter how long I stared at the words in front of me, I couldn’t seem to retain any information.
Studying was never my favorite activity, but I could usually do just enough to get by. Now, I wasn’t sure I could do even that. After Scarlet and I talked, I felt like I was living in a fog, unable to see clearly.
Most of my day was spent trying to study. I moved from subject to subject, just hoping something would stick, while my mind continued to revolve around Scarlet. I couldn’t get our last conversation out of my head.
The look on her face was one of betrayal and pain. It broke me to see her that way, but I kept telling myself it was for the best. She deserved more than someone like me. She deserved a man who could truly commit to her and make her happy. I wasn’t that guy. I’d never been that guy.
While I sat there, the brothers came in and out. Some stopped to chat for a few seconds, while others left me to my studies. It was all the same to me. I didn’t want to talk to any of them. They couldn’t possibly understand the emotions I was feeling. I barely understood them myself.
If I even tried to share them with one of my brothers, they would laugh it off, making a joke that was supposed to make me feel better. It wouldn’t. It would only serve to piss me off and make me sink lower into my depression.
With my Communications book opened to the proper chapter, I laid my head down on top of it and closed my eyes. I didn’t think I could take another second of staring at black and white pages. Nothing I read made any sense anymore. I needed to rest, or I would be completely useless for the rest of the day.
I squeezed my eyes tightly closed and tried to block out the lights and noises around me. From where I sat, I could hear thundering footsteps from upstairs and raucous laughter. It reminded me of the way I used to be: carefree and light-hearted, fun and relaxed. I was no longer any of those things.
When I finally sat back up, I exhaled slowly and blinked my eyes a few times. It was time to get back to work. I couldn’t let my failed relationship with Scarlet define my entire senior year. This was my final year on campus, and it was already almost halfway over. The last thing I wanted was to leave school without making as many memories as possible. There were parties to plan and alcohol to drink, women to have and brothers to mock. My entire life was ahead of me, and I was just watching it pass me by while I dwelled on one girl.
“Hey man,” a voice said from behind me. I glanced behind me to see Adam making his way over to my table. He sat down across from me. “Studying?”
“Trying to,” I said. “Can’t focus.”
“It’s a few days before break and you’re trying to study here?” Adam scoffed. “Go to the library or something. You know all the guys get rowdy this time of year.”
“I know,” I sighed. “I just didn’t want to pack all this shit up and haul it over there.”
“Might be worth it,” Adam said with a shrug.
“Maybe,” I said. “Though I probably wouldn’t be able to focus, even if I had peace and quiet.”
“Why not?” Adam asked with a frown.
“Just distracted,” I said evasively. “Can’t clear my head.”
“Gotcha,” Adam said.
For the first time in a while, I found myself wanting to talk to Adam. We hadn’t really been best friends lately. Ever since we got back from France, we’d gone our separate ways. I assumed it was just because we needed space after spending an entire month together, but now I wasn’t so sure. I realized I might have been avoiding him, just to keep from having to face my issues. As I sat there with him, I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted to talk to him about Scarlet and everything else. Maybe he would be able to make sense of my feelings for me.
“So,” Adam said, just as I was about to open my mouth. “I haven’t seen you with anyone lately.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“We’ve had a few get-togethers,” Adam said. “And you didn’t bring any girls. Not even Scarlet.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Scarlet and I are done. She moved back to France.”
“Wait, what?!” Adam asked, suddenly sitting up straighter. “What the hell? Why didn’t you say anything?”
“It’s not important,” I said, hoping Adam would believe me. Just seconds before, I was ready to tell him everything, and yet, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. “I ended it. She was all conflicted about leaving because of me. I knew it wasn’t right to let her stay here just for me.”
“Why not?” Adam asked.
“You said it yourself,” I said. “I’m not good enough for her. She’s sweet and kind of perfect. Everything about her screams girlfrie
nd material, and I am not boyfriend material.”
“I didn’t say that,” Adam said softly.
I looked at him in disbelief. That was exactly what he said. That day in the coffee shop, when everything changed between Scarlet and me, Adam told me to walk away before I broke her heart. He made me realize just how bad I was for her and how much I could really hurt her. It was because of him that I distanced myself from Scarlet in the first place.
“Look,” Adam continued. “What I said that day came out wrong, okay? I just wanted you to be careful. I saw you slipping into something pretty serious, and I wanted to make sure you knew what you were doing. That’s all. I wasn’t saying you weren’t good enough or that you shouldn’t be with Scarlet.”
“You said I would hurt her,” I finished for him. He was right. I did hurt her.
“Without meaning to,” Adam said. “Yeah, I thought you might lead her on accidentally. Like I said, I just wanted to bring it your attention so you could be aware of what you were doing. If you wanted something real with her, then great. If you didn’t, then great. I just thought you needed to make a decision. That’s all.”
“Well, I did,” I sighed. “I told her to go back to France.”
“Is that what she wanted?” Adam asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. It was true. I barely listened to Scarlet that night in the park. “Her mom wanted her to leave. She said she wasn’t happy with the way Scarlet was living her life here in New York. Scarlet wanted to fight her on it because she wasn’t ready to leave me, but I told her to go. I told her I wasn’t a good enough reason to stay.”
“Because you didn’t want a relationship with her?” Adam asked.
“I don’t know what I wanted,” I admitted. “For that entire month, I wasn’t thinking. I was just kind of living moment to moment. I loved being with Scarlet. She was funny and witty and awkward and adorable. And the sex. God, the sex was great. But I never thought about it further than that. After you and I talked, I realized that you were right. She was getting attached and that scared me.”
“Why?” Adam asked. “If you liked her that much, then what was the problem?”
“Motherfucker, you were the one who said I was going to hurt her,” I snapped. “That was the problem. And no matter what else I felt, I didn’t want that. Scarlet didn’t deserve to get her heart broken by me.”
He didn’t seem fazed by my outburst. “But isn’t that what you did anyway?” Adam asked. “When you told her to leave?”
“I guess,” I nodded, feeling the fight drain out of me. “But it would have been worse later. If I let the relationship drag on for months and months, then she would have been completely crushed.”
“She would have been?” Adam asked. “Or you would have been?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. Adam’s words rang true in my ears. I’d been so certain that I was making the right choice for Scarlet, but I never stopped to think what that choice meant for me. I wasn’t just protecting Scarlet from heart break, I was protecting myself. She would have been crushed if we broke up, that much was clear, but what about me? How would I have been affected by the split? I never took the time to think about it.
Now that I did, I realized Adam made a good point. If I was this distracted after she moved away when we weren’t even really together yet, how would I have felt if we’d dated for six months? Or a year? Or more? The thought made my chest ache painfully, and I knew the answer.
It would have been worse than painful. It would have been unbearable. The thought of having Scarlet to myself for that long, just to be torn away from her, was heart-wrenching. I couldn’t imagine how I would have survived it.
“I don’t know what to do,” I mumbled. “I’ve been fucking everything up, man.”
“It’s not too late to fix it,” Adam said.
“What are you talking about?” I asked. “She moved back to France. It’s over. I screwed up, and now, she’s gone.”
“She doesn’t have to be,” Adam said. “Look, I know this is partially my fault. I put doubts in your head, and I’m sorry about that. I didn’t realize how much you cared about her.”
“I didn’t either,” I admitted. “I just freaked out. You warned me, and then she told me about her mom, and all of a sudden, everything became too real. She wasn’t just something fun and exciting. She was real. We were real. I didn’t know how to deal with that, so I just…”
“Bailed?” Adam suggested.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I bailed. There’s no way I can make up for that. You weren’t there when she told me. She was waiting for me to tell her to stay. She wanted me to help her fight her mom. She thought I was this great guy who would take care of her and make all her problems better, but I wasn’t. I played right into the typical asshole role. I broke her heart, so I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of our situation. God, what the hell is wrong with me?”
“A lot,” Adam joked.
“Not funny,” I snapped.
“Sorry,” Adam said. “But Lucien, this isn’t the end. You can still make it work with her.”
“How?” I demanded.
“Figure it out,” Adam said simply. “Look, if she means this much to you, then it’s worth it to try, right?”
I looked at Adam thoughtfully. Everything he said made sense. I couldn’t even study without thinking of Scarlet. No matter what I did, she occupied my mind all the time. Every day since she left, I’d been replaying our last conversation over and over again. When I laid in bed at night, I wished she was lying beside me. I dreamed about her naked body on top of mine. She was always, always with me.
A smile formed on my face as I realized Adam was right. Scarlet was more than worth it, and I hadn’t understood it until just now. I wasn’t the kind of guy to be a boyfriend, but I could be. For Scarlet, I knew I could be.
26
Scarlet
Sitting at my old desk in my old bedroom, I worked on my old computer and sunk back into my old life. Everything was exactly the same as before I left. My mother hadn’t changed so much as a throw pillow in my absence. In a way, it was flattering that she wanted to keep my room the same, but it was also depressing.
The more I fell back into my old routine, the more New York felt like a dream. There were days when I wasn’t sure I’d ever moved away. If someone told me my time in America was all just a fairy tale I cooked up in my head, I would have believed them.
When I arrived back home, my mom and I didn’t speak for a while. We exchanged pleasantries, and she filled me in on what I’d missed: her fashion business was thriving, the neighbors to our left moved away, and my old dean agreed to let me resume my classes. I would have to finish some classes online, and for the most part, my entire schedule would be online. Next semester, I would be allowed to attend two classes on campus, but that was all. Everything else would be done within the confines of my childhood bedroom.
As much as I hated to admit it, there was a certain comfort that came with being back home. My room’s decorations were just the beginnings of the things that stayed the same. Without trying, my life became normal again. I slipped back into my boring self: shy and awkward, living vicariously through book characters and never arguing with my mother.
After a few days, I could see how happy my mom was to have me back. Her relief was palpable every time we came face to face. I tried not to let it upset me, but it was hard. While she became happier, I grew more miserable.
I tried to focus on my schoolwork for a few hours a day. It was more time than I needed to devote, but it kept me busy. At least my grades wouldn’t suffer. The rest of my life might have been spiraling into a black hole of despair, but my schoolwork was going great. That, more than anything, kept me sane. It gave me something to focus on, so I wouldn’t spend every second missing Grandmother and Lucien.
Lucien. It was impossible not to think about him. I tried to erase him from my memories, but I couldn’t. Whenever I had down time, I
remembered our time together. I replayed that weekend in upstate New York, having sex down by the lake and talking late into the night.
My mind traveled over every conversation we shared, right up to that last one in the park. Whenever I landed on that, my heart would ache painfully, and I would feel tears brimming in my eyes. That was my cue to study or read or clean. I was willing to do anything to keep myself from shedding another tear over Lucien Wolfe.
As I sat at my computer, typing away and trying to keep my mind focused, there was a soft knock on my door. I turned to see my mother standing in my doorway. This was a new development since I’d returned home. While I was still made to keep my door wide open, my mom would now knock before she entered. It wasn’t exactly progress, but it was a step in the right direction. Her relief was so strong that she was willing to compromise in the tiniest of ways.
“May I come in?” she asked, though I didn’t know why. If I said no, she would just do it anyway.
I nodded. “Sure.”
I closed my computer and turned back around to face her. She sat down on my bed slowly, her eyes never leaving my face.
It was strange how much she resembled Grandmother. Before, I thought they were polar opposites, but after spending time with Grandmother, I saw the similarities they shared. All three of us had the same emerald eyes and sharp cheek bones. While I was the only one with bright red hair, Grandmother and Mom both had auburn locks that were the exact same shade. In a way, it was nice. It was like my own little reminder of Grandmother, who I missed desperately.
“I wondered if we could talk,” Mom said. She patted the bed beside her, asking me to join her. I tried to keep my impatience hidden as I walked over to her. When I sat down, she touched my knee gratefully and cleared her throat. “I just got off the phone with your grandmother.”
“Is she okay?” I asked frantically.
“Yes,” Mom assured me. “She’s just fine. The nursing service is taking great care of her. You don’t need to worry about that.”
