by Alain Gillot
Europa Editions
214 West 29th St., Suite 1003
New York NY 10001
[email protected]
www.europaeditions.com
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously.
Copyright © 2015 by Flammarion, Paris
First publication 2016 by Europa Editions
Translation by Howard Curtis
Original Title: La surface de réparation
Translation copyright © 2016 by Europa Editions
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
Cover Art by Emanuele Ragnisco
www.mekkanografici.com
Cover illustration by Mariachiara Di Giorgio
ISBN 9781609453596
Alain Gillot
THE PENALTY AREA
Translated from the French
by Howard Curtis
“They want you dead, or in their lie.
There’s only one thing a man can do.
Find something that’s his,
and make an island for himself.”
—Sergeant Welsh in Terrence Malick’s film The Red Line
To Caroline, and the family she believed in
1
Hamed came straight up to me, striding like a frustrated young horse. It was almost the end of the summer vacation, and for a week now it had been raining cats and dogs. The kids were already finding it hard enough to concentrate. If on top of that they had to play in a quagmire, that would be the end of it.
“No way to get a foothold, sir. Any pass you try, you end up on your ass.”
The players always need to talk. About a scratch, about the kit, the conditions. Some days, they just want to go back to the locker room.
“Show me your cleats.”
He turned his back to me and lifted one leg, and I glanced at the sole of his boot.
“They look small to me.”
“They’re the ones I always have, sir.”
“And you haven’t noticed anything since Monday?”
“Well . . . it hasn’t stopped raining.”
“And what do you think you should have done?”
“Put on bigger ones.”
“So now go back and do your best to stay on your feet.”
His eyes went up in their sockets. Hamed has that stubborn streak that leads him to drive straight into the defense instead of lifting his head and looking for an unmarked teammate. I have twenty-three like him to deal with, and there are days when I wonder what I’m doing here, looking after a gang of brats who’ll never become real soccer players.
It’s my second experience as a coach since I obtained my federal diploma. The first time was in Limoges with the top-division amateur team. Postmen who worked all week and came for training in the evenings. But I got tired of that schedule. So when I came across an ad in France Football, “Sedan Club seeks qualified instructor to handle its youth team, aged from ten to fourteen.” I thought it might be right for me. Not that I’m especially fond of kids. I don’t have any myself, and can take or leave them, but the salary was decent, and the fact that a house was included in the conditions clinched the deal for me.
Obviously, Sedan has its limitations. The club is long past its glory days and they won’t be coming back anytime soon. The premier team is in the second division, close to the bottom of the table. They need to find a little nugget. A player who’d give the supporters something to hope for, and drag the other team members up to a higher level. That’s what happened in Nancy with Platini. But a Platini comes along once every fifty years, and he’s unlikely to show up in Sedan. What I’m dealing with is kids like Kevin Rouverand. He’s the striker of the group—on a good day, at least. Less than five feet tall, a very low center of gravity, a killer right foot. He could really amount to something, but, as far as motivation goes, forget it. He strolls onto the field with that small talent of his, as if he has all the time in the world. Like a lot of his friends, he’s waiting for an offer from an important club. He skims through auto magazines, taps away on his cell phone, sculpts his hair with gel. He thinks he’s already arrived, when he hasn’t even gotten on the train.
I thought the rain was finally going to stop, but in fact it got even heavier, so I blew the whistle and collected the bibs. I didn’t want them to catch cold. The group was already decimated enough.
“See you tomorrow,” Kevin cried.
“See you tomorrow, try not to be late.”
He was already engrossed in his text messages. At first, that kind of behavior drove me crazy, but now I’ve developed a bit of perspective. It’s a generational thing. There are no more sons of miners. That doesn’t mean that young guys today have no aims, they want to make money, soon they’ll want girls. But that’s just an incentive, and to have a career you need more than that.
My own career stopped dead one Sunday in April, nearly ten years ago, when I was playing for Limeil-Brévannes. I’d just turned twenty-nine and the management of Martigues had already made an offer for me. A whole season’s trial, with an option on the following season, and I was feeling fairly confident about the future, until the other team’s center back destroyed that promised transfer by pressing down with all his weight on my left knee.
The guy’s name was Didier M’bati. He was originally from Ghana and must have weighed at least two hundred pounds. As I lay writhing in pain, he kept repeating that he hadn’t done it deliberately, and it was true. I’d tried to wrong-foot him, but my leg was in an awkward position and he’d stepped on it, just because he’d built up speed and couldn’t stop. I was operated on in Dijon, where recovery times were known to be quicker, but in my case they soon realized it was going to take more than a week. The damage was too extensive and, after various tests, the doctors confirmed that I’d never play soccer again. I’d be able to walk well enough, but from now on running would be a risky venture.
That opened the door to depression. I went into a spiral where I’d sleep almost all day and come to life only at night. I took the phone off the hook. I stopped washing myself, ate out of cans. Gradually, I got out of my depth and ended up taking refuge in drink, even though I’d always hated being drunk before. I started hanging out in bars, until the day I got into a fight with a guy, without even knowing why. They had to hold me back, I didn’t even see how badly I’d messed him up. I ended up in the police station, in a holding cell. Things would have gotten worse if something hadn’t happened that night. Lying on that straw mattress that smelled of piss, I had a weird dream. I was alone in the middle of a silent stadium, tracing white lines with a machine that squeaked with each turn of the wheel. I was taking my time, applying myself. Then, when my work was over, I sat down in the middle of the field and stayed there, feeling a sense of peace I’d never known before. As if the white lines were ramparts that protected me from everything.
When I woke up, I remembered the dream. It was like a revelation. Being a player wasn’t the most important thing. What I missed wasn’t the game itself, it was no longer being in that space where I felt safe. I just had to get back on the field and everything would be okay. And at noon, when the cops released me, my one thought was to call the Federation and inquire how to go about obtaining a qualification as a coach.
“Is it okay if I lock up the locker room, Monsieur Barteau?”
It was the keeper of the stadium. He was just behind me, in the fading light.
“Go ahead, Émile.”
“Did you get your car back in the end?”
“No, but Meunier’s going to drive me home. Have a good evening.�
�
I stayed there for another little while until the lights went out. The rain was still falling steadily, and a pool was starting to form in the penalty area. Things weren’t looking good for tomorrow.
2
I crossed the deserted parking lot and walked to the bus stop, or what was left of it. Ever since the town council had decided to do away with the route, the stop had been badly vandalized. The glass walls were shattered and the bench burned, but the roof was still there, and I wedged myself under it to shelter from the rain. Even though it wasn’t very late, the cement works had already closed its doors, and, as that was the one activity in the area, there was total silence on the plateau. It reminded me of the times I used to run away as a boy, venturing as far as possible from home and hiding out in a park or under a bridge, listening and watching. As it happens, it was thanks to one of these escapades that I’d discovered soccer. That time, my father had surpassed himself. No sooner had he sat down at the table than he flung away the plates and everything on them because the mayonnaise was the wrong brand. I never missed an opportunity, so I looked him straight in the eyes, and of course he couldn’t stand that. He started running after me, taking off his belt and banging it on the walls, a real performance. And since I already knew how my mother was going to react—look away, launch into a thorough clean-up of the kitchen, everything, in fact, except intervene—I went out through the garden gate, walked along the railroad tracks, then crossed the highway and ventured into the Grassin neighborhood, which I’d never dared explore before.
When my parents talked about the place, it was always to say something bad about it. According to them, it was the lair of drug dealers and car thieves, and I’d even heard them say that a girl had been found in a garbage can there with her throat cut. But that day, driven by rage, I walked like an automaton along abandoned streets, and down an avenue that seemed endless, where the houses had closed shutters or boarded-up windows. I came to a kind of traffic circle, occupied by a car without wheels. I really was a long way from home, and it was almost dark. I was unsure whether or not to continue, but then something caught my attention, a big pole with floodlights on it. I advanced to the end of the plateau, and there, down below, I saw the sports fields. There were three of them, immaculately laid out.
I hurtled down the slope through the wild grasses, and moved closer to a handful of guys, no more than four or five of them, practicing corner kicks. They must have been about twenty, and they all wore shirts from one or other of the clubs they worshiped. Manchester United, Barcelona, AC Milan. They yelled jokes at each other as they kicked the ball. It wasn’t an intensive training session. Sometimes they sped up the game to land a shot, a one-two, sometimes they stopped and chatted, and at the end they lay down on the grass for a series of stretching exercises and one of them told a story that provoked gales of laughter. They hadn’t spotted me, or else they didn’t care about my presence. I stayed there until night fell, watching them from a distance. I saw them start playing again, stringing together volleys and some more or less successful lobs, and strutting like victors after a between-the-legs pass or a back heel. As I made my way home, I was so obsessed by what I’d just experienced that I didn’t feel the cold, even though it was November, or any kind of fear as I walked back through those deserted neighborhoods. I went in through the gate and found my mother in her kitchen, brushing the tiles so hard she could easily have broken a nail, and my father sprawled on the couch, open-mouthed, staring drunkenly at his stupid TV show, harmless for now—not that it mattered anymore, because I was out of reach. I’d found a world of my own.
A pencil of light cut through the darkness, and two headlights appeared at the end of the line. It was Meunier. I was almost surprised that he was there so soon. He pulled up level with me, and as he leaned across to open the door he gave me much too broad a smile, so broad I wondered who it was meant for.
I realized as soon as I sat down. The car smelled so new, it was nauseating. He needed to show me his new toy. It couldn’t wait. That was why he’d offered to drive me home.
“Give me your address,” he said.
“Don’t you remember where I live?”
“Yes, but I want you to see something, the latest sat nav. It shows you your route in 3D, it’s amazing.”
I looked at him to see if he was serious. Of course he was.
“Guess how much I paid for it? You won’t believe it.”
“Ten thousand.”
“Are you crazy, ten thousand won’t get you anything these days!”
“I paid six for mine.”
“Yours is a wreck. And it’s always leaving you high and dry. I got this one for twenty-two thousand even though it’s worth seven more. With this crisis, people are ready to do anything to make money. So, are you going to give me that address?”
Meunier had lived at my place for three months. He’d been hired as an accountant by the club and, as none of the available accommodation was right for him, the management had asked me if I was prepared to put him up until they found him somewhere suitable. Ever since, he’d been acting as if we were friends, even though the one thing those months had demonstrated to me was how different we were. He was the kind of person who’d go out in the evening and come back late, whereas I preferred to stay home. He never refilled the refrigerator, and spent most of his time walking up and down, phone glued to his ear, talking about personal things as if I wasn’t there. By the time he handed back his keys, I was relieved.
“Now don’t be stupid, you’re coming with me tonight!”
“Don’t count on me. I’ve been getting wet all day.”
“Quit fooling, wait ’til you see the girls!”
“Good for you.”
“Stop it, don’t tell me you don’t care. How long is it since you last got laid? We’re both men, we can tell each other these things, can’t we? So how long is it? Six months? A year?”
As he talked, I saw a medallion swinging from the rear-view mirror. It was a group photograph of his wife and kids inside a pink plastic heart.
“Your sat nav isn’t working,” I said, watching the car advance in 3D on the little high-definition screen. “We’re several miles out.”
“Impossible.”
“It’s twice as quick if you go via the station.”
“Have you ever been married?”
“No.”
“It’s funny, we shared a house and I don’t know anything about your life. You have lived with a woman at some point, haven’t you?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“It’s not my thing.”
I suddenly realized he hadn’t only bought a car. He’d also bought a suit whose color matched the upholstery, an impressive pearl gray. At the lights, he gazed at himself in the rear-view mirror, chin lifted triumphantly.
“Are you a fag? No, I’m joking . . . Come on, make a bit of an effort. You know the new girl in accounting has the hots for you?”
“Great.”
“Don’t you care?”
“Not especially.”
“Do you think badly of me?”
“For what?”
“Cheating on my wife.”
“That’s your problem.”
“It’s my problem, but you wouldn’t do it.”
“I have no way of knowing, I don’t live with anyone. You can drop me here. It’s one-way from here on.”
He pulled up at the corner of the street. He wanted to talk some more, but I didn’t give him the chance. I quickly got out of the car.
3
On foot, there was less than two hundred yards to go before I got to Rue des Platanes, where my house was. I was going to take a very hot bath, to get rid of all that cold and rain, make myself a TV dinner, and watch a good movie, preferably a comedy, or maybe go straight to bed. What could stop me? Nothing.
I knew the blonde in accounting was stuck on me. I’d seen her several times in the club’s offices, and she always arranged it so that she was around when I was waiting to see the chairman. But I wasn’t interested. I wasn’t a monk, I wasn’t insensitive to female charms. But since I’d moved to Sedan, I’d decided that if I was a loner, I should live up to it. Once and for all. That hadn’t always been the case, in spite of what Meunier might have thought. I’d had a fair number of flings, I’d even lived with someone, but nothing had worked out. Why did I find it so hard to connect with another person? It was a question I’d often asked myself. Was it because of my family history? Or just my character? Probably a bit of both.
Even back in the days when I’d first trained, I’d go for a drink with the guys in my class and watch them from a distance as they went about picking up girls. They were pretty good at it, but I preferred to stay perched on my stool. I was too touchy, too jealous of my own independence to get involved with anyone. With time, though, I did go down into the arena. When you’re a soccer player, there are always girls hanging around you, and it’s easier to say yes than no. I’d had affairs with all kinds of girls, nice ones, bad-tempered ones, weird ones, without becoming attached to any of them. In the end, this reluctance started to feel like a burden, and I decided to live with someone, as a challenge.
Her name was Sophie Pinton and she was the daughter of the chairman of the Limoges club, who was sympathetic to the idea of my settling down. Sophie was very kind and funny, at least at the start of our relationship. She was the ideal person to try my luck with, and I made a real effort for it to work. I bought myself shirts. I repainted the walls of an apartment, put up shelves, chose a couch to match the curtains, agreed to discuss vacation destinations, repaired plugs, went to dinner at her parents’ house on Sunday evenings. All those things that help you to be accepted in society, to be considered a well-balanced person. I played the game as long as possible. And then one day, Sophie asked me if I’d give her a child and I realized my limits. In the middle of the night, I had an anxiety attack I couldn’t control. It was stifling, even with the window wide open, and my unease just kept getting worse, I had no other choice but to walk out and take refuge in a hotel, where I gradually recovered and my newly regained solitude, far from weighing on me, seemed like a liberation. Hadn’t I always been alone? Way back in my own family. In the schoolyard, too. So I might as well accept my condition, rather than make futile efforts to pretend. And as far as my relations with women were concerned, I had to admit in the end that, apart from the sex, the most I was capable of was a kind of friendship. But the door always had to remain open, and, when she wanted more, all I could do was pack my bags and try to hurt her as little as possible.
