by Dick, Amanda
“Paddles at the ready!” Lacey announced. “And – go!”
Finn began to paddle furiously, grateful for the head-start as Kate gave him a surreptitious push.
“Hey, I saw that!” Lacey laughed as they headed out towards the pontoon, a good thirty metres away.
Gavin was right beside him as he pumped the paddle in his hands from one side to the other, churning up the water as he went.
“You’re going down,” Gavin warned, angling his kayak towards him. Unwilling to give way, Finn paddled harder, swaying side to side in the water as his upper body did all the work. Gavin’s kayak smacked into him roughly, forcing them both to stop paddling as they reached the floating pontoon.
“Hey!” he yelled, as they grappled to stay upright.
Gavin just laughed as Finn reached over to grab his paddle with one hand and tried to push him away from the pontoon. Listing dangerously to the side, Finn was forced to release Gavin’s paddle in order to maintain his balance. While he did so, Gavin manoeuvred himself away from Finn and used the pontoon to right himself. Max, Lacey and Kate cheered loudly from shore.
“Oh, so that’s how it’s gonna be?” Finn called, smiling in spite of himself.
Gavin didn’t answer as Finn manoeuvred himself around the outside of him, using his paddle and circling the pontoon as quickly as possible. By the time he had hit open water again and was heading back to the shore, Gavin was right behind him. He put his head down and went for it, paddling as fast as he could. Gavin was breathing down his neck as calls of encouragement rang out across the bay.
He didn’t wait for the kayak to hit the sand, diving out of it head-first as soon as he came within a couple of metres of shore. He half stumbled, half ran up the short strip of sand, reaching for the bench blindly, Gavin right beside him.
“We have a winner!” Lacey yelled, whooping.
Gavin collapsed on the lawn beside him, and Finn fell back, gasping for breath.
“Best of three?” Gavin offered, breathing heavily.
“Nice try.” Finn grinned. “That title’s mine.”
He sat up, beckoning to Max. “Dude, you’re up!”
“Don’t you want a break first?” Lacey laughed.
“Nope – I’m good to go,” he panted. “Let’s get this over with.”
Kate offered her hand and he squinted up at her. She smiled tentatively as he took it. “Congrats.”
Her hand fit inside his perfectly, but now was not the time. He was giving her space. Besides, he had a title to win.
“Thanks,” he breathed, still on a high as she hauled him to his feet. He rolled his shoulders and pointed at Max.
“I’ve waited a whole year for this. Time’s a’wastin’ – you ready?”
A fleeting ghost of a smile flashed across Max’s face. “The question is, are you?”
“Bring it.”
Blood pumped through Finn’s veins, as they headed back to the kayaks.
Chapter Twenty
Max picked up his half-empty can of beer and collapsed down into the deck chair across from Finn. He inspected his hand casually as he took a sip, and Finn caught Gavin’s sidelong glance. They didn’t speak, but he could feel Gavin’s trepidation, mirroring his own. The heat from the sun made the tension almost unbearable, and the slight sea breeze from earlier in the day had disintegrated into the occasional, half-hearted breath of wind.
“How does it feel?” Gavin asked, clearly amused.
“To be the champ again? Pretty awesome, actually,” Finn played along. “I’m guessing you asked because you can’t remember? How many years has it been now? Three? Four?”
Gavin flipped him the bird as Lacey appeared in the doorway. “Okay, so lunch isn’t far away. Hope you guys are hungry.”
Finn’s stomach churned at the thought of food. Max supped on his beer, completely oblivious. It wouldn’t be long before he would need a refill. Gavin tried hard to keep the conversation flowing, but it was tough going. After the rush of the kayak race, Max had fallen back into the quiet, reflective mood that Finn had seen far too much of lately. Now that Gavin had clued him in as to the inner workings of Max’s mind, he was afraid to think of what went through his head when he wasn’t engaged in conversation. How could he stand to think that way? Why couldn’t he just let go of that day and move on?
Lacey’s smile was forced, as she turned and headed back inside. He peered over her shoulder. Kate was busy in the kitchen, her back to them. After what happened this morning, they had barely spoken. It was beginning to concern him but he had left the ball in her court. He was afraid to push her, especially if that meant pushing her away.
He turned his attention back to Max. As if somehow knowing this, Max crushed his empty beer can and stood up, stretching. Finn exchanged a worried glance with Gavin that took barely a nano-second, but managed to convey all the fear and anxiety they felt, regardless. Max took several steps in the direction of the beer fridge before Gavin also stood up.
“It’s empty,” he said candidly.
Max stopped, turning back to him. “What?”
Gavin shot a nervous glance at Finn before turning his attention back to Max. “The beer’s gone. The fridge is empty.”
Max frowned. “What do you mean, empty?”
“I mean, it’s gone. We got rid of it – all of it,” Finn said, backing him up, even though his heart was thundering in his ears so loudly he could barely hear anything.
Max fixed him with an icy stare that turned his bones to jelly. “Why would you do that?”
Max became someone else, someone he had never seen before. The expression on his face, the narrowing of his eyes, the dangerously low voice. He was no longer the Max he knew. Finn was dumbstruck.
“Because contrary to what you believe, it’s not helping,” Gavin said from beside him.
Max’s eyes darkened and Finn found himself holding his breath, waiting.
“And how do you know that?” Max demanded.
Finn’s insides spun in circles, suddenly dropping in altitude as he fought back the fear that they had made a terrible mistake. Was this what a caged beast looked like? Cornered, scared, unpredictable.
“Max, please,” Kate pleaded, standing next to Lacey in the doorway.
Max waved a hand at her dismissively, silencing her without even looking at her.
“Because we can see what it’s doing to you,” Finn said, the nervous tremor in his voice obvious. “You don’t need it, mate. It’s not helping, it’s just making everything worse.”
He saw the muscle in Max’s jaw twitch but he didn’t speak. Kate walked past him and reached out for Max, laying her hand on his arm.
“Hey,” she murmured gently.
Angrily, he shrugged her off, stepping away from her. “This is bullshit,” he said, one hand on the wall of the house as he steadied himself.
“Max, you need help – let us help you, please,” Lacey begged.
Max shook his head and backed away, stumbling back onto the top step. Gavin grabbed him to stop him from falling but Max angrily thrust him away.
“I don’t need help, I just need a drink – and I need you all to stop poking your fucking noses in where they don’t belong!” he exploded.
Finn winced, his heart pounding in his ears.
“We’re only doing this because we love you,” Kate tried, walking towards him slowly. “We’re trying to help.”
Max shook his head again, his breath coming audibly now as he glared at Kate.
“Well you’re not,” he hissed through clenched teeth. “Not with this idiotic Oprah-inspired intervention thing you got going here! What the hell gives you the right – “
“Max, you don’t need – “
“What the fuck would you know about what I need?” he exploded again, directing his anger at Gavin this time. “You don’t have a clue – none of you do!”
Finn’s chest tightened as the familiar sense of frustration welled up inside him. “You’re right –
because you don’t talk to us!”
Max’s nostrils flared. “I need a drink, okay? That’s what I need. You gonna tell me what you did with it or do I have to guess?”
Frustration turned to anger, flashing from deep down inside and rocketing up through his body, spreading like wildfire.
Finn folded his arms defiantly and eyeballed him right back. “I told you – it’s gone.”
His throat dried up, making swallowing difficult. The pure hatred in Max’s eyes was killing him, but they couldn’t back down now. If they did, all of this would be for nothing and they would be back to square one – or worse. They had to see this through.
Finn could feel himself trembling with anticipation as Max sneered at him.
“I bet this was your idea. It was, wasn’t it? After what happened this morning, it’s got your name written all over it. Just had to stick your oar in, didn’t you?”
Finn stood his ground, clamping his teeth together to stop himself from saying something he might regret later. The anger was simmering just beneath the surface, and he had nothing more than a tenuous hold on it. Any more of this, though, and he knew he would lose it – and God help Max when he did. God help all of them.
“It was my idea, Max – not his,” Gavin said evenly.
Finn was grateful that Gavin had decided to take a more active role in this. It saved him from having to do it all himself. It might also show Max that he wasn’t the only one who thought he had a problem.
“We’re worried about you,” Gavin continued. “You can’t keep drinking like this, it’s just making everything worse.”
Max turned his anger on Gavin. “You think you have all the answers,” he said acidly, his eyes narrowing. “What did you do with my beer?”
“It’s like he said – it’s gone.”
Gavin looked apologetic and tired. Conversely, there was an almost visible electric current running off Max, his anger was so palpable. His eyes seemed to spark with it and his body was so tense, so taut that it was almost pulsing with energy, just barely kept in check. His jaw twitched, his chest rising and falling rapidly as his gaze flitted between them. He looked as if he had so much to say, he couldn’t figure out where to begin.
Suddenly he turned away from them, marching down the steps and over the lawn towards the beach. An uneasy silence cloaked them as they watched him stumble onto the sandy foreshore and head along the waterfront towards the jetty.
Lacey stood next to him, her trembling body brushing up against his arm. Exhaling loudly, he put an arm around her shoulder.
“We’re doing the right thing,” he said. “We just need to stick it out.”
That last part was true. They did need to stick together now, create a united front. But the hatred in Max’s eyes had caused doubt to creep in and settle in his bones. What if they had just made everything so much worse? They were trying to get him to open up to them, but would he even speak to them after this?
Gavin murmured his agreement from the doorway. Her silence speaking volumes, Finn turned to seek out Kate. She was staring after Max miserably, her arms folded across her chest as if barricading her emotions inside. As if aware his attention was on her, she turned to him.
The look of absolute desolation on her face made his insides curl up into a small, tightly-woven ball. He caught himself thinking, once again, that they wouldn’t be in this situation if it hadn’t been for Danny. He was behind all of this. So much for friendship – so much for looking out for each other.
Out of the blue, he realised that there was something he had overlooked.
“What are you doing?” Gavin called after him, as he headed for the hallway.
“I’m checking his room. If he’s got a stash of booze in there somewhere, all this could be for nothing.”
“Shit. Hadn’t thought of that.”
The heavy silence from the living room followed him down the hallway and into Max’s room. The air seemed to hum around him, as if something had made a hole in the universe and the air rushed in to fill the vacuum. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him, leaning back on it and closing his eyes. He didn’t know if he had the strength to do this. It would be easier if he knew for certain that they were doing the right thing. He felt his feet scrabbling for purchase on the cliff face, staring down at the abyss below him. What if all they were doing was backing him into a corner? What if they were just forcing him to lose control and teeter on the edge of a total nervous breakdown? What the hell would they do then?
He felt as if they were all looking to him for leadership – for answers, for support. He almost laughed at the idea. He could barely keep himself from falling apart. What the hell was he thinking? He should have shot Gavin down in the car – told him it would never work and that Max was too far beyond this, that they were out of their league.
He leant forward, bracing himself with his hands on his knees, and tried to breathe deeply. It was too late now, it was done. They were all a part of it and they had to follow it through. He had to make sure they stuck to their guns, because backing down now would only alienate Max even more.
Car.
He needed Max’s keys. The last thing they needed now was him taking off in the car in the state he was in. He rummaged around until he found Max’s car keys and pocketed them. Standing in the middle of his room, he looked around forlornly. If Max had anything hidden in here, he had to find it – and he had better make it quick. He started rifling through Max’s duffel bag on the floor, feeling more and more uncomfortable as the minutes wore on. He shouldn’t have to do this – none of them should. This – Max – was Danny’s mess and here they were – again – cleaning it up. Cleaning Max up. Jesus, how had it come to this?
He threw the duffel back down on the floor in disgust, having found nothing. Dropping to his knees, he peered under the bed. Again finding nothing, he went through the empty drawers and opened the wardrobe to find it too was empty.
He wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or relieved. Max’s face and the look of hatred in his eyes only minutes ago suddenly came back to him in high-definition, crystal clarity. He sank down onto the bed and raked a hand through his hair, feeling more lost and alone than he had in a very long time.
Chapter Twenty-One
Kate sat on the wooden steps leading down off the deck, afraid to take her eyes off Max. She had watched him storming off down the beach and held her breath as he disappeared behind the boat shed, finally reappearing as he made his way along the pathway above the rocks and out onto the jetty. Even from this distance, she could see the anger radiating off him as he paced the length of the wooden jetty several times. Now, he sat at the end of it, still at last.
Her heart went out to him. She had wanted to go to him immediately, but Gavin and Lacey had convinced her to leave him for a while. It was clear he was hurting, and it felt wrong to just leave him there, alone. When she was hurting, hadn’t he come to her? Hadn’t he moved into the house for several months after Danny’s death, just to be with her so she wouldn’t be alone? Hadn’t he held her while she sobbed in his arms? In the early days, immediately after Danny’s death, when she was incapable of eating, sleeping or even thinking, hadn’t he helped her face life again?
She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them miserably. He had changed so much, he was barely recognisable now. She had never heard him speak to Finn that way before – in fact, she had never heard him speak to anyone that way before. To see him pulling away from not only her, but from everyone, was frightening.
It reminded her so much of Danny. He had been exactly that way in the weeks before his death. He had pushed everyone away, including her. He drank more. He became moody and unpredictable. His whole personality had changed. It was too familiar. She shuddered, pulling her legs in closer as a shiver crept up her spine at the memory.
“Hey, how you doing?”
Gavin sat down next to her on the step and she turned to look at him. Unable to come up with a suitabl
e answer, she turned her attention back to Max, who was pacing again, a tiny figure shimmering in the heat.
“It sucks, I know,” he said quietly. “I’m starting to wonder if we’re doing the right thing too.”
She leant forward, her forehead resting on her knees as she struggled to stop her body from trembling.
“He’s really angry, Gav. I’ve never seen him like this before.”
He draped his arm around her shoulders with a sigh. “I know. But he needs to stop drinking like this – all he’s doing is covering it up, running away from it. These nightmares, I reckon they’re just his subconscious trying to make him deal with everything. And because he’s just pushing it all away, they’re gonna keep coming at him. He needs to deal with it. It’s the only way.”
Kate raised her head off her knees and leant it against his shoulder. Part of her knew he was right, but it didn’t make the reality any easier to take. She heard footsteps and they turned back towards the house in unison. Finn leaned back against the French doors, empty-handed.
“Well?” Gavin prompted.
Finn shook his head, shrugging. “Nada.”
“Okay then. That’s good. We got it all.”
“Yeah, I s’pose so,” Finn collapsed into the deck chair closest to him. “You okay?” he asked Kate.
She nodded. It was easier than admitting how she really felt.
“Where’s Max?” he asked, scanning the horizon.
Kate turned to follow his gaze. “He was on the jetty a minute ago.”
She stood up, searching the jetty and the path leading out to it. Panic rose up from the pit of her stomach.
Gavin stood up too, walking down a couple of steps and shading his eyes from the sun. “He was right there.”
Panic turned to nausea.
Finn squinted out at the jetty. “Well, he’s not there now.”
Finn flew down the steps and out onto the lawn, Gavin, Kate and Lacey hot on his heels. He jumped down off the lawn and onto the sand, stopping for a moment to check out the jetties at either end of the bay. Both were empty. What the hell was he playing at? Where could he have gone in such a short space of time? His mind started going over the scenarios. Had he fallen from the jetty? Or from the pathway onto the rocks? With the amount of alcohol in his system and his state of mind, anything was possible.
