by Tamie Dearen
A fresh round of tears started, and Noelle let them flow, needing the emotional release. Abby nudged Noelle’s hand into action, asking for and receiving a scratch behind her ears.
“Abby, I’m going to confess something, but promise me you won’t tell anyone. Promise? Good. See, that’s why you’re such a great friend. The thing is, I can’t help wondering if God doesn’t sort of tease me with wonderful things like you, and then take them away from me on purpose. Like He’s teaching me some sort of awful lesson, over and over again.”
With a lick of understanding, Abby listened, watching Noelle with soulful eyes.
“Don’t look at me like that. I know it’s ridiculous. I know it doesn’t sound like something God would do. But I can’t help thinking it. So whenever something good seems like it might be happening to me, I know in my heart it won’t last.”
Another lick.
“But you were worth it, Abby. Even for only a few weeks, you were worth it. I love you so much.”
And in that special way of dogs, Abby returned her love, pure and unconditional.
*****
Garrett was ecstatic. “Ten thousand dollars! Abby’s owner donated ten thousand dollars to the shelter! Do you know what we can do with that money?”
“I’m glad, Garrett, but you kept your promise, right? You didn’t tell him about me?”
“No, I only told him you worked here and heard from his brother about him losing his dog, and that you put two and two together.”
“Oh… I didn’t want him to know about me being involved,” she complained.
“I had to give him some explanation for how we knew to call him. He didn’t even ask who’d been taking care of her. Oh, did I mention he also cut a reimbursement check for her medical bills? I’ll get that to you right away. The ten thousand was over and above that amount.”
“That’s great,” Noelle answered without enthusiasm. The money would be helpful, but she’d rather have Abby.
“It turns out he’d called the public shelters, but didn’t know about Helping Paws. That’s why he never called here looking for her. He’s really a great guy, and totally generous. You ought to tell him you’ve been taking care of Abby. He’d probably give you some money to pay for your time and trouble.”
Noelle’s closely held emotions snapped. “I don’t want his money! I want Abby! It’s all your fault, you know. You talked me into taking her home and falling in love with her, and now she’s gone.”
Garrett’s face fell. “Oh, Noelle, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking when I said—”
“Never mind.” She swiped her sweater across her wet eyes. “It’s not your fault, Garrett, but I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later and let you know when to put me on the volunteer schedule.”
*****
All day Tuesday and Wednesday, Noelle let her cell phone calls go to voicemail, checking messages in the evening and feigning a major sinus headache to avoid socializing. James seemed to take the hint, sending a few thoughtful texts wishing a speedy recovery. David, however, became more persistent, calling and texting and even dropping by the office Wednesday afternoon, a ploy that apparently backfired when Shara seized on the opportunity to invite him on another date.
“David said to give you this.” Shara tossed a greeting-card-shaped envelope onto the counter where Noelle was organizing her patient trays for the next morning. Her lip curled up in a sneer as if she’d encountered a dirty diaper. “We’re probably going out again next week, since neither of us have big plans for Christmas week.”
“Next week is Christmas?” Noelle’s slight headache ballooned into one that rivaled the headache she was faking for the sake of avoiding certain people. She slipped the card into her purse, thankful she’d avoided confronting him in person. Her emotional control was hanging by a gossamer thread, and the only way she prevented the recurrence of a crying spree was to keep her mind otherwise occupied. The thought of purchasing Christmas gifts was actually a welcome distraction. “I avoid thinking about Christmas so much I forget to buy gifts for my family. Now I’ll have to scramble and fight the crowds at the mall.”
“I only have a couple of presents to buy,” Shara commented. “Aren’t you going to open the card David sent? Don’t you want to see it?”
“Maybe later when my head feels better.” Scrambling to distract Shara from her curiosity, Noelle added, “Do you want to go Christmas shopping with me this weekend?”
“Me?” Shara’s mouth fell open. She stared at Noelle, blinking rapidly, as if she might blast her for making such an outrageous offer. Noelle ducked her head, ready for the detonation, when Shara gave a hesitant smile, instead. “I’d love to. That is, if you really mean it.”
“Of course I mean it. Does Saturday morning sound good? Maybe ten o’clock? Shopping and lunch at Central Mall?”
“Okay,” Shara said, her smile widening. “Meet you at the main mall entrance?”
“I’ll see you Saturday morning,” Noelle confirmed. Shara’s really beautiful when she smiles. It’s too bad she doesn’t smile more often.
Once she was certain Shara had returned to the front desk, Noelle retrieved the card, ripping open the envelope.
A golden retriever’s face greeted her on the front of the humorous get-well-soon card that read, “I’m doggone sad you’re feeling doggone bad!” David had added a hand-written note.
Dearest Noelle,
As if you hadn’t already brought enough joy to my life, finding Abilene for me has left me forever in your debt. I can never tell you how happy I was to see her when I had already given up hope. You are my guardian angel, and I hope to always keep you close by.
Love,
David
The words wobbled in the wake of her puddling tears. Figures. All I do lately is cry. Tucking the card away, she escaped out the back door before Nancy could spot her crying again. As she moved quickly through the cold, biting wind toward the protection of her car, she dug in her purse, searching for her keys. She collided with a hard body. Without looking up, she knew who it was. David.
∞ 9 ∞
“HI.” HE REGARDED HER with wary eyes, looking like a swimmer entering shark-infested waters.
“Hi.” The word was barely audible. She cleared her throat and tried again. “Hi,” she said, a bit louder. “Sorry I’ve been out of touch. Haven’t felt well lately.” She put her gloved hand on her temple to indicate the culprit.
“So I hear.” His voice was even and his gaze unrelenting. “It seemed like you might be trying to avoid talking to me for some reason.”
She tugged her lower lip inside her mouth, fumbling for a reasonable explanation. “Just tired, you know.”
He nodded. “Your eyes are kind of red.”
“Yeah.” They ought to be, as much crying as I’ve done lately.
“And your face looks a little pale.”
“Yeah. This is just how I look without makeup.”
“Hmmm…” He furrowed his brows, studying her until she squirmed beneath his inspection. “You still look beautiful to me.”
“Don’t.” Noelle shut her eyelids tight. “Please don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Don’t be all nice and sweet and make me want something I can’t have.”
“I don’t understand.” David’s eyes were stormy blue, filled with pain and confusion, and she hated knowing she was responsible. But it was better to rip the bandage off now before she became more dependent on him.
“You’ll understand some day,” she replied, surprisingly dry-eyed. A heavy gust of wind whipped under her coat, and she tucked her scarf over her face, turning to leave.
A hand grabbed her arm. “Wait, Noelle. Wait.” He bent his head until he caught her gaze. “We were close. We were so close to being there. So close to a place where we’re better together than we are apart. Can’t we try a little longer? Risk a little more?”
Noelle was already shaking her head. “I’m sorry, but I can’t take the chance. It could n
ever last. It’s not your fault—it’s mine. You can find happiness with someone, but that’s not my lot in life.”
She tried to pull away, but his grip held firm, his brows bent low and foreboding. “So what are you saying? I deserve happiness, but you don’t?”
“Essentially, yeah. That’s right.”
“That makes no sense.” His free hand tore through his hair. “What are you afraid of? Just tell me.”
Finally jerking her arm free, she ran to the safety of her car, leaving him standing motionless in the parking lot. She could still see the hurt on his face as she drove away.
*****
David’s assault was unrelenting. Apparently undeterred by her parking lot pronouncement of doom, he carried on as if he hadn’t heard a word she said. If anything, he seemed more determined than before.
He appeared at her apartment door Thursday morning with coffee and a breakfast sandwich. A care package containing various chocolate delights showed up in her car. He dropped by in the evening with Chinese food, having somehow guessed that sweet and sour chicken was her favorite. Though she relented, allowing him to come inside and join her for the meal, she kept a safe distance, both physical and emotional. Unfazed by her remote attitude, he laughed and joked, regaling her with stories of growing up in Abilene, idyllic summers at his dad’s house in Pueblo with James and Angela, and grid-iron exploits—mostly on the sidelines—from his college years.
She wasn’t surprised when someone knocked on her door Friday evening. Peering through the peephole, she discovered David wasn’t alone this time. Beside him sat Abby.
Hyperventilating, she struggled to catch her breath, knowing she couldn’t possibly bear being temporarily reunited with Abby, only to have her taken away again. What can I say? What should I do?
In a flash of inspiration she yelled through the door, “I can’t open the door. I’ve got pinkeye and it’s very contagious.”
Watching his reaction through the peephole, she saw him frown and scratch his head. Abby, however, went a bit crazy, barking and whining and scratching at the door, all the while wagging her long tail. Though the sight brought tears to her eyes, it warmed Noelle’s heart to see the sweet Golden looking well and happy.
“That’s okay. Come out anyway,” David insisted, raising his voice to be heard through the closed door. “Just for a minute. I promise to keep my distance.”
“No, it’s too dangerous.”
“I think Abby recognizes your voice.” He bent over to speak in the dog’s ear, calming her down from her frantic whining. “Okay. I guess we’ll go. Will you be able to go to the company Christmas party tomorrow night?”
Arghh! The Christmas party! She’d totally put it out of her mind. She knew she had to go, no matter how much she dreaded the affair.
“I’ll be there, but I’ll be pretty busy with family and stuff. I probably won’t have much time to talk to you.”
His mouth stretched in a broad smile, fetching those mesmerizing dimples that she refused to let entice her any longer. Well, maybe they still enticed her a little bit. In fact, she fought a sudden desire to heave the door open and fall into his arms. Sadly, even stronger was the urge to throw her arms around Abby.
*****
Seated at the mall entrance with two Starbucks coffees in hand, Shara rose to her feet with an eager expression when Noelle arrived. Offering Noelle a cup, Shara said, “I got you a latte. That’s what you like, right?”
“Oh, bless you!” Noelle exclaimed. “I hardly slept last night and I didn’t have any coffee at the apartment. You’re an absolute lifesaver.”
Shara tucked her chin, a small smile flirting on her lips as her cheeks reddened. “You’re welcome. I thought you might need it. You’re kind of grouchy in the morning before you have your coffee.”
Almost choking in surprise, Noelle tried not to show her shock at the stark change in Shara’s usually cool, detached demeanor. She laughed off Shara’s critical, but accurate, observation.
“I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with my non-morning-persona for the past year, Shara. My sister used to complain about that, too.”
“It’s okay. I’m used to irritable people. My dad is bad-tempered all the time.”
“Really? My dad drives me crazy, too. Maybe we have more in common than we know.”
“Maybe.” Shara mumbled, as her body language shut down the previously easy conversation flow.
Hmmm… I guess it was too good to last. I wonder exactly what subjects we need to avoid.
As they passed through the mall colonnade, already bustling with shoppers, Noelle recounted her required gifts. “I’ve got to buy for my sister and brother-in-law and dad.” A thought flashed in her mind, and Noelle wondered if she needed to buy gifts for James and David. “And I’ll probably get a couple of extra gifts for… for extra, in case any of my cousins show up. What about you, Shara? Who do you have to buy gifts for?”
“Just my dad, I guess. I don’t know if my stepbrothers will show up or not.” The way Shara said “dad” made Noelle think things were a bit rough on the home front, but it seemed wise not to question her.
“What about David? Are you exchanging Christmas presents?” I probably shouldn’t have asked that question, but I couldn’t help it.
“We haven’t gone out except that one time. And…” Shara’s cheeks developed a rosy glow. “I’ve kind of met someone else.”
“Really?” Noelle was curious about a guy who could make Shara blush. She usually sounded so cool and self-confident when she talked about men.
“Yes, but we’re not dating. Not yet. So I don’t need a present for… for him.” Shara’s voice dipped down with a finality indicating she didn’t want to continue on that topic. “What are you buying for you family?”
“My sister and brother-in-law are easy. She’s redoing her bathroom and wants some new towels. And he asked for a new tie. Boring, right?”
Shara smiled, still displaying none of her usual venomous behavior. “I guess so, but it’s kind of nice and normal. My dad always asks for a bottle of scotch and some cigars. And then he criticizes whatever I choose.”
“That’s totally unfair,” Noelle protested. “If he’s going to criticize your choices, he should give you a precise list. My sister’s really picky, but at least she gives me a wish list to work from.”
“Yeah, that would be nice,” Shara said, her lack of further comment intimating her father was unlikely to cooperate in such a way.
“My dad is impossible to buy for. He has a lot of money and buys anything he wants. Whenever I ask him for a gift idea he just says, ‘All I want is for you to be happy.’ What am I supposed to do with that?”
“I can’t believe you’re complaining about a dad who says stuff like that. My dad would never be that nice.”
“You wouldn’t think he was so nice if you knew how he tried to control everything in my life.”
“Hmm… I think my dad might win in the controlling category.” Shara’s tension was so palpable as she made the remark, Noelle decided to let her have the last word on the matter.
“I’m planning to buy my dad a new shirt and tie. I think I can buy all those things at Macy’s.”
“That’s fine with me.” Shara proceeded to astonish Noelle with animated chatter about the beautiful decorations and lights and excitement about plans to attend a Christmas Eve service. “It sounds like it’s going to be really cool, with candles and everything. Only… I don’t have anyone to go with.”
God, I know you’re laughing at me now. I asked for an opportunity to help Shara, and you’re making me do my least favorite activity in the entire world—a Christmas Eve service.
Noelle took a deep breath. “I could probably talk my family into going. Although my dad and sister might die of shock when I mention it.”
Shara crinkled her brow. “Why? I thought you were pretty religious. I assumed your family did stuff like that every year.”
“We used to, but we got o
ut of the habit.” She wasn’t comfortable talking about her mother’s death, even after all these years. So why was I able to tell David? “But I honestly think my family would be thrilled to go if I mention it.”
“Okay, that would be nice, if it works out.”
Noelle’s eye was drawn to a cobalt blue sweater with tiny snowflake sequins. “Shara, that would look great on you. It would show off your eyes and your hair. And it’s on sale for seventy-five percent off.”
“It’s not my usual style, but I like it.” Shara chewed on her lower lip, with a rather wistful expression. “Do you really think it would look nice on me?”
“Absolutely. Go try it on.”
Dancing with excitement, this strange new Shara disappeared into the dressing room and emerged looking spectacular in the gorgeous color, just as Noelle predicted.
Noelle clapped her hands. “I love it. You should buy it, for sure.”
“You don’t think it’s too loose on me?” With the sleeves pushed up to her elbows, Shara lifted her hair and turned around, trying to observe her back in the mirror. That’s when Noelle saw them… dozens of tiny white lines, scarring the underside of her forearms.
She’s a cutter! Noelle resolved to go to the Christmas Eve service with Shara, with or without her family. It won’t hurt for me to be focused on someone other than myself this year. Maybe that’s why I’ve never healed, even after all these years.
*****
At her father’s request, Noelle arrived at his house a few hours before the company Christmas party was due to begin, presumably to help him prepare, although the hired caterers appeared to have the event well under control. Buster greeted her at the door, the dappled miniature dachshund yipping in excitement. She patted his back, cringing as she waited for the inevitable. It happened.
“Oh, Buster! Aren’t you ever going to stop peeing every time I walk in the door?”
“Noelle, you’re here!”
“Hi, Dad.”
