Bad Days

by A. S. Kelly

  “I’m sorry,” I tell him, coming closer to his face. “I didn’t want this for you.”

  He shakes his head. “I could not ask for anything else.”

  “It’s not worth it. You should have listened to me. You could have avoided all of this…”

  “Alex, you are worth all of the pain in the world. Even one minute just touching your hand is worth so much more than a whole lifetime spent without you,” he says, taking my hand and bringing it to his lips.

  “I will never give you up, what we have…love, Alex, is stronger than anything.”

  I feel the tears running down my face and the emotion exploding in my heart. What did I do to get all this happiness? What have I done to deserve it?

  “I want you to know that I don’t care about the illness, the consequences and all the rest. All I care about is you and I want you in my life no matter what happens. Okay?”

  “Having me your whole life means giving up all of your freedom, taking care of me, worrying every day and obligations, lots of them. Is that what you want, Jason?”

  “The only thing I’m going to do is love you, Alex. Every day, as long as I’m breathing. There will be bad days, you can be sure of that. Days that make you insane. Days you’ll tell me to go to hell, days where everything seems wrong. There will be shitty days but I will not be able to do anything less than to love you still. To love you with a love that is infinite and total. Love all of you, especially your stupid heart.”

  I stand up and he rises with me, smiling and crying at the same time and I can no longer distinguish the two, but that’s alright, that’s what love is: confusion, pure joy, pain, happiness. Love is the only thing that counts.

  Love is life.

  “Uh, excuse me. Sorry to interrupt this moment,” Patrick says, coming towards us and looking a bit embarrassed. “I’ve spoken with some people and agreed with Joe and we’ve been able to come up with sort of a…special allowance for you.”

  “What have you done?” Jason looks at Patrick, confused.

  “By now everyone knows me in this hospital,” he says with a guilty smile.

  “Yeah, that does seem to jog my memory,” Jason says, shaking his head.

  “You can stay here tonight. Joe gave up his spot.”

  “What?” I ask my father.

  “You stay with her,” he says, putting his hand on Jason’s shoulder. “That’s the way it should be.”

  I think I’ve never loved my father more than I do now.

  “I’ll be back tomorrow morning at dawn.” He kisses me lightly on the forehead and my mother hugs me tightly, then they walk away together, supporting one another.

  “Try not to…oh, what the hell, do what you want.”

  Patrick adds this, before kissing me on the cheek and winking at Jason, then disappearing down the hallway.

  29

  JASON

  I help her lie down on the bed and put two pillows behind her back. Then I take a chair and go to sit next to her when Alex grabs my hand.

  “Here, stay here next to me.”

  “Don’t you think they’ll really kick me out if I do that?”

  “At this point I don’t think anyone will disturb us again.” She smiles in embarrassment. “I don’t know what Patrick did, but I’m sure you owe him something.”

  I laugh and sit on the bed and put my arm around her and she rests her head on my shoulder.

  “You have no idea what that guy is capable of,” I say, thinking back to what he did when Erin was in the hospital to let her visit with the baby in the middle of the night.

  Alex relaxes against me.

  We are in a fucking hospital waiting around for the last hours before her operation, a procedure that could either improve her life or else take her away from me forever.

  I can’t hide my anxiety or the fact that I’m having a hard time breathing normally, because I’m scared that breathing in too deeply would lead me to sobbing like a child.

  “I tried, you know.”

  “What’s that?”

  “To keep you away from this. To keep you away from me.”

  I look at her without understanding what she’s trying to tell me.

  “When I woke up in the hospital after my heart attack, I was confused and scared. I had my family with me but the only one I wanted to see was you.”

  I grab her shoulder and squeeze it, feeling guilty for having abandoned her.

  “The more time passed, the more urgent it became for me. But you weren’t there, you didn’t call, you didn’t—”

  “Please, Alex, don’t go back there. Not now that we’re together.”

  She shakes her head. “The more I realized how much I needed you with me the more I understood it wasn’t right. That none of it was right and that I couldn’t do it to you.”

  “What the heck are you saying?”

  “I’ve never been afraid of you Jason, not one second in my life. I trusted you, I trusted you and I knew that I would always be safe with you, that you would do anything to be by my side, even if it cost you your life.”

  She looks at me and touches my beard absent-mindedly.

  “But I couldn’t allow it to happen. I didn’t want you to live in constant fear that things could end in any moment, that I could leave you like your mother did. You deserved more than that. You deserved to live your life, to have a woman that loved you and took care of you and your heart. To have a family and be truly happy. And you could not have had those things with me.”

  “Alex,” I interrupt her, moving away just enough to allow me to look her in the face. “Do you really believe that I could ever have a life away from you and that I could be happy? Darling, I’m just starting to live now. Now that I can hold your hand, to watch you breathe. I can live only if I hear your heart beating for me. I can only live now that I am allowed to love you.”

  “I’m sorry…I never wanted you to suffer, I thought that with time…”

  “For some things, Alex, time can’t do anything.”

  “I know,” she confirms, looking down.

  “When I came to you in the hospital, when you told me those things, you broke my heart, and it stayed like that, in pieces until you smiled at me again. Until you let me hug you, until we made love, because in that moment, Alex, I really understood that I would be yours forever.”

  —

  ALEX

  “And I denied you everything…these moments together, you and I,” I say, biting my lip and feeling like a jackass for having kept him at a distance.

  And I really believed I was doing the right thing. I thought leaving him alone I was giving him the chance to have everything he deserved without a dead weight around his ankles, dragging him down and stopping him pursuing his dreams.

  I loved him, I always did. From the first day he showed up at my house with his mother with his jeans that were torn at the knees, his face caked in mud and his crooked smile.

  I never thought I’d love someone else some day even if I did try to forget him. But my love for him was not something to be satiated and there was nothing I could do to destroy it.

  I loved him enough to let him live.

  “I did come that day,” he starts to say, pulling me from my thoughts. “The day you left. Aaron came to the shop where I was working then. He pulled me out and told me to run to you. I didn’t want to, I couldn’t stand another refusal but you know how Aaron is.” I smile at her. “He told me to move my ass and take the risk. So I did like he told me to. I ran to your house like I was running a marathon in the rain. I got there just in time to see your car leaving the driveway and Rain standing there crying. But I didn’t give up. I ran behind the car and followed along until the first traffic lights. I called your name. All I could see was your face behind the misted up window. Your hand was sliding down the glass as the distance grew between us—from my life and yours and all that we had together. I stayed there waiting for a green light that would take you away forever. And I didn’t do any
thing to stop you. I stood there under the rain watching you leave, convincing myself that it was somehow the right thing to do, to keep you at a distance so I couldn’t hurt you again.”

  “I had no idea…”

  He shakes his shoulders.

  “I would have liked to keep you, to tell you what I felt, to confess for the first time that we weren’t friends and maybe we never were. Because what I felt for you was nothing like friendship. Not for a second.”

  He holds me tightly and kisses my hair.

  “I let you go, Alex. And I’ll never forgive myself for it. I’d only like to find a way to make up for it now even if I know all the time in the world won’t satisfy me.”

  “This is enough. It’s already enough,” I say, looking up at him. “You are here now and I couldn’t feel happier, or more alive.”

  “And this time I won’t go anywhere and neither will you. We’ll do it together…”

  The last thing I hear before closing my eyes and letting myself be rocked in his arms and feeling his breath on my neck are his words, ‘Forever’ whispered in my ear.

  30

  JASON

  Someone is shaking me, trying to get me to open my eyes. I was having a nice dream. Alex and I were hand-in-hand walking barefoot along the freezing sand and braving the waves that would get us every once in a while. She was yelling and I would grab her quickly and hold her against me and kiss her lips. She had a rosy color to her skin, her face was serene and her eyes were clear and full of emotion.

  But, opening my eyes I realize I am in a sterile, white room on a bed that’s too small for two people and that the right side of my body has completely fallen asleep.

  Alex is sleeping in my arms.

  She seems so small and fragile that I can’t help worrying about what she’s about to face.

  “Hey, friend,” Patrick says and I turn in the direction of his voice.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m here for you…and for her.”

  I get up and slip off the side of the bed.

  “Let’s go, the others are downstairs.”

  “The others?” I ask confused, brushing a hand in my hair.

  “The family,” he says, smiling. “The whole family is here.”

  I greet Alex’s parents, who are speaking with the doctor outside her room. I let her sleep a bit longer before they wake her and get her ready for the operation. I go downstairs to get some coffee before going back up to her and when I do I find everyone sitting in the hospital cafeteria.

  Liam and Rain, Aaron, Erin and Patrick.

  “What the heck?”

  Rain gets up and comes over to hug me. “Come, sit with us.”

  I follow her to the table where a coffee Erin has got for me appears. Erin touches my shoulder affectionately and smiles in comprehension, as always, as the others sit quietly, trying their best not to stare at me.

  And I can feel all of their eyes on me. They are worried about me falling apart, I know. That I will break down in front of them and give in to despair. But that’s not going to happen.

  I’m a man, I’m strong and I’m…in pieces.

  “You can do it, Jay,” Aaron reads my mind.

  I let my head fall to the table and the first tears make their way out. The others get up and gather around me.

  We don’t say anything. We stay like that, united together as only a family can. Then, we all take a breath and I dry my eyes with my sleeve.

  “I brought you some clothes,” Erin says, handing me a bag.

  “You’ll feel better if you go and change.”

  “No doubt about that, brother. You’re disgusting. You don’t want Alex to see you like that, do you? She might change her mind about you…understand you’re not really worth it. Check it out a bit to see if there’s anything a little fresher around.” Erin stops his monologue with a slap to his head.

  “What did I say?” he asks with mock innocence.

  “You are impossible,” Erin retorts.

  And as everyone chastises him for being out of place as usual, I silently thank him with my eyes because he just took the pressure off me. Now all eyes are on him and not me. I can retain a tiny bit of dignity, closing myself in the bathroom by myself, falling to the ground and getting rid of all of the tears I have before going to show her my very best smile.

  —

  ALEX

  As the nurse lets me know they’re just about ready to come get me and bring me downstairs, Jason pops his head around the door.

  “Hey!” I greet him, adjusting the nightshirt they made me put on. “I woke up and you weren’t there. I thought you got kicked out.”

  “Just let ’em try,” he says, smiling, kissing me lightly on the lips. His eyes are big and puffy. He must have been crying before coming here.

  “I went down to get some coffee, and found that all the guys are down there.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep,” he says, nodding. “You realize that being with me means always having them around, there is zero privacy…”

  I shut him up by hugging him as tight as I can.

  “Couldn’t ask for better.”

  I can feel him smiling into my hair and he holds me tighter.

  “Alex?” my father says as he comes to the door. “It’s time, love. They are here for you.”

  I break away from the embrace and sit on the bed, which will be wheeled downstairs to the operating theatre. I lay down and take a good breath and Jason holds my hand.

  Two nurses push me towards the lifts and he walks next to me, smiling and squeezing my fingers. My mom and dad follow us until we get to the sliding doors of the operating theatre, where the nurse lets us know that the moment has come for us to say goodbye.

  My father dries his eyes and hugs me tightly together with my mother. They tell me it will go well and that they will be here waiting for me and I try to reassure them and promise that I’ll wake up again. Then they take a few steps back and Jason kneels next to the bed.

  I’d like to stay with him longer, to have more time, more thrills and kisses but the time has come to face this thing and come out a winner because I can’t do without his love.

  “Don’t let me slide away,” I whisper.

  “If you should slide, I will hold your hand and you grab on to it with all your might. I won’t let you go.”

  I let go of his hand and he stands up. Then, he comes to me again and taking my face in his hands kisses me on the lips before letting me go. The sliding doors open, I’m wheeled through and just before they close behind me I continue to look back.

  Patrick appears next to Jason, putting his hand on his shoulder. With the other hand he gives me the thumbs up sign and smiles. I can see the others too: Rain, Liam, Aaron and Erin.

  I touch my chest with my hand as a sign of thanks and the door closes behind me, closing the distance between us for good. When we arrive at the theatre, I take another deep breath and look around: my little bed, the machines, the surgical instruments.

  Everything’s ready.

  I lay down as everyone prepares themselves. As the anaesthetist gives me an injection, she tells me to count backwards from ten and to have a nice sleep. I don’t even get halfway. I am wrapped in a white cloud of hope, love and life.

  I let myself fall into a tranquil sleep where everyone around me is happy and laughing. I see Liam and Rain hugging on the couch in their house. I see Patrick lifting Lily into the air, and the child is laughing heartily and Erin is looking on in love.

  I see Aaron shaking his head like he always does to show his disapproval. I see Jason smiling at me and holding my hand. I know I am there with them even if I can’t see my body. I try to force myself into my body so that I can feel his fingers against mine.

  Suddenly I’m catapulted into another location, into the garden of my childhood home. Jason is pushing me so hard on the swings that I fall off. We laugh at the toad that he put in my backpack that morning. I should be mad at
him but I’m not. I’m never able to be mad at him for more than two minutes.

  Then the scene changes again. We’re outside in the school grounds. Rick Murphy is laid out in the grass with a bloody nose. Jason is standing over him ready to pounce. The principal stops him in time and hauls him away. He looks back at me and gives me a wink. And I’m delighted at the emotion I feel.

  And then there we are again, sitting on my bed, in my room. Jason is a mess. He’s holding back the tears and I don’t know how to help him. He comes over to me and touches my face. We’re not kids anymore. We’re adults, we’re in the same room, lying down and he’s whispering not to leave him, to come back to him.

  Another moment passes and I don’t see anything. It’s dark and I’m cold. I should be afraid, I know, but I can still hear that voice. It’s far off, I can barely hear it, but it’s calling me, it’s asking me to come back. I’d like to follow it but I am weak and tired and I can no longer count my heartbeats.

  I don’t feel them. I don’t feel anything.

  I feel alone and that I’m about to be lost and I don’t know if I’ll be able to find my way home.

  31

  JASON

  Two months later

  “Get these fucking glasses of the counter. God damn it, Patrick, how can you work with all this shit around?”

  “You better calm down, alright?”

  “Just get to work!”

  “You are too agitated. If you don’t calm down, I’m going to send you flying.”

  I give him the finger and head to the back room of the pub. I am so worked up that I could start punching walls. I sit on a stool and watch my hands shaking mercilessly as my anxiety continues to surge in my stomach, putting it to the test.

  I can’t go on like this. I’m not going to last very long.

  “Hey, Jay, you’re here,” Rain says, popping her head around the door. “Could you come here for a second? We need you.”

  “What the fuck is wrong now? Can’t I take a break?”