“There’s nothing permanent in life,” I said, mostly to myself. A strong breeze blew by us then, taking my words with it.
“Look, Lainey. There’s something I have to tell you, but I wanted to wait because you aren’t going to like it. I think now is as good a time as ever, though.” There was nervousness in Adam’s voice, and I felt a nervous jittery feeling form in my stomach. I looked at him expectantly.
“I told my mom,” he announced, and the jittery feeling intensified. Another person knew. Another person I couldn’t hide the truth from.
“Why?” I asked, not sure I really wanted to know the answer. I definitely didn’t want to hear what her response had been.
“Because it was getting to me. My mom and I are close, Lainey. I tell her just about everything. This seemed way too major to not tell her.” He shot me an apologetic look, but I ignored it.
“We agreed that we were going to wait until we were ready, and then tell our parents together,” I reminded him, struggling to keep my voice steady.
“I know that, but I also know that you’re never going to be ready. And I get that. I think this whole situation is a lot harder on you than it is on me. But I needed to tell my parents.”
“What about your dad?”
“He was away all weekend. He’s coming back today, which is part of why I really wanted to come here with you. My mom thinks he isn’t going to react all that well, and she didn’t want me around to witness it.”
I tried to imagine my own dad’s reaction, but I couldn’t. “Was she mad?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Actually, no. She told me she was really disappointed, but more for us than at us. She knows it’s going to be hard but she agrees with our decision and thinks we can do it, with their help.”
“When did you tell her?”
He smiled sheepishly. “Friday night, after I dropped you and Hannah off.”
I blinked. Friday night had been a disaster, and it had come to an abrupt end after Nolan asked to be dropped off at another girl’s house. Adam had driven us home immediately after, and we’d barely said good night to each other.
“Okay,” I said, not knowing what else to say. I felt completely out of control of my life. So far I’d told one person, and yet at least five people knew. This whole thing had been beyond my control from the very beginning.
“I think you should tell your parents soon,” Adam continued. “My mom said it’s really important to get to a doctor and make sure everything is fine. The sooner the better.”
“Everything is fine,” I replied immediately. I hated going to the doctor for a simple checkup, let alone something that would entail me being poked and prodded at. “I’d know if something were wrong.”
“Lainey,” he said, giving me a knowing look. I glanced away, out at the ocean. How had it all come to this? I wasn’t sure I’d ever know. It seemed like seconds ago my biggest worry in life was whether or not I should continue working on the school paper next year or try something else, and now I was coming home from school every day and going straight to my bed, where I’d lay for hours trying too hard not to think.
“Fine,” I said, not waiting for him to add anything else. Why not just tell my parents, and get it over with? Why not go to a doctor and be examined from the inside out? It was clear my opinions and feelings meant nothing anymore. I’d made one bad decision, and now my entire life was out of my control.
“I’m sorry,” Adam said, catching me off guard. He’d been so strong throughout all of this; stoic, even. Our relationship had gone from being natural and full of affection to awkward, almost like we were going backwards, becoming strangers.
We are strangers, I realized. My birthday this Friday would mark five months since our first kiss. Five months since we had entered each other’s life. Just last month, six months seemed like such a huge milestone, and now it felt like nothing at all. What were five months in the span of a lifetime? If things didn’t work out between us, we’d still have, at the very, least eighteen years to be a part of each other’s lives.
What a terrifying thought.
“What are you sorry for?” I asked.
“Everything. I feel like this is all on me. I should have been more careful, I mean, I’m the one with experience… I just should have thought more about what could happen, but I guess I didn’t think it ever would.”
“You don’t have to be sorry,” I said, shooting him a small smile. And I meant it. Despite everything, I didn’t want Adam feeling guilty. Maybe he was the one with all the experience, but I was still supposed to be the responsible one. It was the role I seemed to take on in any relationship, starting with my father. I was the one who should have known better, past experience or not.
The truth was, we never used protection. Not once. The first time happened without any planning whatsoever and we’d more or less followed that routine ever since. If anything, it was a surprise it took this long to happen.
“I’m not sorry we’re having a baby together,” Adam told me. “I’m just sorry I didn’t give you a choice.”
“I’m scared,” I told him, bringing me back to that first time together. He reached over and brushed a strand of hair from my eyes.
“Me too,” he whispered. Just like that first time all those months ago, I didn’t ask why. I just accepted that he was scared, maybe even as scared as I was.
“I’m scared it’s going to hurt,” I continued. “And I’m scared of getting fat. Not really so much how I’ll look, but the fact that I won’t be able to hide it anymore, at all. And I’m scared that I’m going to be really horrible at it, being a mom. I’m scared I’ll end up just like mine.”
Adam embraced me, pulling as close to him as possible. “That won’t happen,” he whispered into my hair.
“It might,” I insisted. “I don’t think my mom knew what she’d end up doing when she decided to have me. It just happened.”
“Yeah, but it takes a certain kind of person to be able to walk out and never come back. You’re not that kind of person, Lainey,” he insisted. I wanted to believe him, but it was difficult. If we were reflections of our parents, where did that leave me? Both of mine were guilty of the very thing I feared becoming guilty of myself.
“I’ve thought about it all week, whether or not we’re making the right decision, and I can’t come to any other conclusion. Getting an abortion and not having to deal with this sounds so great on paper, but I don’t think I could really do it.” I smiled softly at him, hoping my words would reassure him on some level. “I think I love you too much, and I wouldn’t want to get rid of that part of you, even if maybe it doesn’t really exist yet.”
He kissed my forehead. “You have no idea how glad I am to hear that,” he whispered.
“I thought more about adoption, too, but I don’t think I could go through with that either,” I continued. “I know that maybe it’s for the best, but I can’t imagine going through everything just to hand the baby over to someone else in the end. Maybe that’s selfish, I don’t know, but I don’t think I could do it.”
“It isn’t selfish,” Adam reassured me. “Maybe we’re young but this baby is going to be well-cared for. My mom is going to help us make sure of that, and my dad, when he comes around. Maybe even your parents; you never know.”
I tried to picture that, my dad and Nora being okay with this, accepting it. But the image refused to come, and that worried me.
“I just never thought this was going to be my life,” I said. “I never even thought about kids when I pictured my future, especially not this early.”
“I did,” Adam said. “I want a big family, at least three kids. And a nice, big house, but not as big as my parent’s. Right here in Haven, so the beach can be their playground.” He planted a few kisses on the top of my head. “And a beautiful woman by my side. I couldn’t imagine anyone fitting that role better than you.”
I felt myself smile, a real smile, not forced at all. “But did you plan on all this
starting when you were eighteen?” I asked
Adam laughed. “No, but I think I’m okay with it. Maybe our kids won’t be as close in age as I wanted, but we could just have a few more to make up for that.” He winked at me suggestively.
I laughed and shook my head. “I don’t think so. One seems good.”
“No way,” he protested. “If you’re going to have a future with me, you’re going to have to promise at least three. Two boys and a girl, preferably, but I’m willing to compromise.”
“Any particular order?” I asked, amused by how well-planned his future appeared, at least in comparison to mine.
“The boys first, definitely. Any daughter of ours is going to need the extra protection.” He stroked my cheek affectionately. “I plan on her looking exactly like you.”
“Hopefully she won’t act exactly like me,” I remarked. “I don’t want to be a grandmother in my thirties.”
Adam laughed and held me closer. “I’ll let you hold out on the girl for a while, then. Mid-twenties sound good?”
I shook my head. “Mid-thirties sounds better.”
“No way. I don’t want to be the old parents at all the school functions.”
“Are being the young parents that much better?”
Adam smiled. “Point taken.” He kissed me and for the briefest of moments, all of my fears and reservations faded. I believed, in that moment, that everything really would be okay, because Adam would make it okay. He’d never let me down before, and maybe, unlike everyone else in my life, he wouldn’t start to.
“I love you,” he whispered and I melted into him, feeling myself love him with all of my being. This wasn’t perfect, but it was all we had, and maybe that could be enough.
“I love you, too,” I whispered back, spoken more like a promise than a statement.
“I’m going to take care of you,” he added, placing a hand gently over my stomach. “Both of you. All three of us. I’m going to make sure everything works out.”
I kissed him, sealing his words. I would make sure Adam kept his promise, no matter what. We were going to be a family, whatever that meant.
Chapter Eight
Sweet sixteen.
I never understood it, what made turning sixteen such a big deal. A driver’s license? The law was different in every state, or so I heard. And not everyone learned to drive by sixteen.
I was still two years away from being a legal adult, and still five years away from being allowed to drink, not that drinking mattered much to me. Thinking of life in those terms made me feel younger on my sixteenth birthday, instead of older.
I chose a small, semi-fancy restaurant right in town. It was Italian, with all the bells and whistles. Dimmed rooms, red table clothes, formally dressed waiters. Nora got Erin to watch over the bed and breakfast while we were out, although we currently didn’t have any guests checked in besides Teagan and weren’t expecting any new ones. But it was Friday, and you never knew if someone might pop up, looking for a room.
Hannah was more excited to go out to dinner than I was. In fact, I’d picked the restaurant with her mind. Adam and I had been there once, over the summer, and it struck me as a place Hannah would really like. He’d taken me there the night after our first time together, because he was worried I didn’t feel the same way about him after it. It was funny, the way he could be so insecure when it came to me. Adam never seemed like the type of guy that had to worry about someone wanting him.
But Hannah never went on dates, and never saved enough of her allowance to be able to afford more than a milkshake and a cheeseburger at the Haven Café, and even then, she tended to borrow some money from me. And even though I was still a little upset with her for revealing my secret to Scott, she still meant the world to me, and I liked seeing her happy.
If felt awkward at first, sitting at a table in the middle of a somewhat fancy restaurant with my family. Hannah barely glanced at the menu; just went straight to eating the small fresh-baked rolls the waiter placed on the table. My dad carefully inspected the entrees, as though he wanted to memorize his choices before making his decision, and Nora smiled across the table at me, a look of pride in her eyes.
“I can’t believe you’re sixteen years old,” she said, shaking her head in astonishment.
I forced myself to smile at her. I couldn’t believe it either, but I was pretty sure our reasons were different.
“It seems like just yesterday you were a sweet twelve year old girl that I was taking in as my daughter. Now you’re a blossoming young woman.”
You could say that again. I didn’t have to look at Hannah to know she was rolling her eyes. My dad finally looked up from his menu and reached over to squeeze my hand. “That’s my girl,” he said proudly.
The waiter came and before anyone could place an order, Nora ordered a round of salads, shooting us a look that told us that special occasions weren’t enough to get us out of healthy eating habits. I didn’t mind nearly as much as my dad and Hannah did. I’d thrown up twice before leaving for the restaurant, and any type of food sounded good.
“Since Lainey is so responsible and awesome, maybe you should reconsider letting her get her license now instead of in two years,” Hannah suggested as the salads arrived.
Nora raised an eyebrow at her. “I don’t think so, Hannah.”
“Why not? It isn’t like she’ll go very far. And plus, driving might come in handy.”
I sent her a warning look, and she caught herself before she could elaborate.
“Come in handy for what?” Nora inquired.
“Um, nothing. Just that Adam always has to drive her around everywhere; it might do good for her independence if she could drive herself places.”
“I think you mean, if she could drive you around places because you currently lack a boyfriend to do so for you,” my dad supplied, chuckling.
“Well, that too,” Hannah admitted.
“Now, that’s all I’m going to hear about that,” Nora announced. “I told you girls from the start that there’d be no driving until you needed to drive out of Haven for college. You’re both more than capable of catching public transportation. I’d prefer you doing that, actually. It’s better for the environment and it encourages walking.”
Hannah rolled her eyes. “Yeah, and it encourages spending half your life waiting at a corner for the one bus in town to arrive.”
“Haven isn’t a very big town, Hannah. If you can’t walk to where you need to go, you probably don’t need to go there in the first place.”
The waiter returned, taking our orders and interrupting the debate between Hannah and Nora. I asked for an order of whole wheat pasta with mixed vegetables and white wine sauce, and immediately started worrying that I shouldn’t be eating white wine sauce. Did it actually have alcohol in it? I had no idea. I forced myself to take a slow, deep breath, and reassured myself that if it were enough to get drunk off of, they wouldn’t have let me order it.
“Did your brother call you today, Lainey?” My dad asked. The waiter had taken the menus with him, leaving my dad with nothing to do but pay attention to us.
I nodded. “Yeah, he called about an hour after I got home from school. I talked to Cynthia for a little bit, too. She seems really nice.”
“I agree. She seems like a wonderful girl. I’m very proud of Mason for making a commitment.”
“He still seems a bit young to me,” Nora remarked, taking a small sip of her expensive red wine.
“He’s twenty-five. Isn’t that practically middle aged?” Hannah asked. She wasn’t a fan of Mason getting married initially, but now that it appeared Nora was critical of it, she was more than willing to be supportive.
“If that’s middle aged, then I’m ancient,” my dad laughed.
“Well, when I was twenty-five, I was in the middle of a divorce and the mother of a three year old. It’s a lot younger than it sounds at fifteen.”
“Sorry I ruined your life, Mom.”
“Oh, Hannah
, stop being so dramatic. I’m just stating the fact that at twenty-five, you shouldn’t be worried about getting married or having children or already be in that situation. Life is long; you have plenty of time to figure out what you want for yourself before having to worry about other people.”
I wondered if Nora had any idea how close to home her words were hitting. I put down the roll I had been buttering, suddenly not hungry at all.
“I don’t even remember where I was at twenty-five,” my dad remarked, in a failed attempt to lighten the mood.
The food arrived and I forced myself to take a tentative bite. Nothing happened. I ate around the sauce the best I could, mostly concentrating on the vegetables. I always ate healthy, but I wondered if I was supposed to alter my diet at all now. Were you supposed to eat differently when you were pregnant? Again, I had no idea, and the person that would be able to tell me the best information was the last person in the world I wanted to talk to about it.
“So what kind of cake did you make?” Hannah asked, interrupting the silence that had fallen over us after the arrival of dinner.
Nora smiled. “Lemon with cream cheese icing, homemade, of course,” she responded. “Lainey’s favorite.”
Hannah made a face. “Lainey, are you trying to be the most boring person ever? Who actually likes lemon cake?”
“Calm down, Hannah, I bought some strawberry ice cream to go with it,” Nora scolded her.
“The kind with actual strawberries in it?”
“Of course.”
“Um, Nora, do you think it will be alright if Adam comes over for cake? I know you wanted to do a family dinner and it’s been great, but I was wondering if cake would be okay.” I hadn’t intended on asking her, but Adam had been pestering me about it all day, and I felt obligated.
Nora frowned. “I don’t know, Lainey. I don’t think it’s really appropriate to have boyfriends over when we’re supposed to be having family time.”
“You let Scott over last year,” Hannah pointed out.
The Consequences of Forever (Lainey) Page 9
