“No thanks necessary,” Ned said. “I’m not new to the fact that sometimes people need a little extra reassuring, especially when they’re in as vulnerable position as you are now.”
I hated it in a way, that Adam’s family was so supportive, and so endlessly so, when my father couldn’t even handle picking up a phone once a week and checking in on me. When my mother had reappeared for a single week after nine years of radio silence, only to pack up and leave the second I didn’t give in to her every want and desire. When Nora had stopped being the mother she’d promised to be years ago, the minute I didn’t want to listen to her rationality.
I didn’t know that I was doing the right thing, bringing this baby into the world and trying to raise it when I wasn’t sure I had even been raised all the way myself. But there was no turning back now, that was the scariest part of all. I couldn’t take any of this back.
Adam came back into the room before Ned and I could discuss anything further, and I felt relieved. I wasn’t sure I would know what to say, if there was anything left Ned wanted to tell me or reassure me about. I felt lost, but I didn’t feel capable of sharing that, not with the people that had done so much to keep me sane these last few months. I knew I’d found a home, maybe even a semi-permanent one, but it didn’t feel that way, not completely. One of my biggest fears now was that nowhere would ever feel like home.
“So tonight is prom, huh?” Ned asked once Adam had continued working on putting the crib together. He looked up at his father, confused.
“Yeah. How did you know?”
“Your mother mentioned it,” he admitted. “She was disappointed you two decided not to attend.”
“I didn’t want to be another statistic,” I said with a small smile. Hannah had made a joke a few weeks earlier about me going into labor at prom, and that had pretty much ruined any hopes I might have had of wanting to go.
“You really think she’d be ready to come out so soon?” Ned asked.
“I’m due in a little under two weeks,” I replied. “So it’s possible.”
“At least it would be memorable,” he chuckled. “If not, you can hold out for next week, maybe celebrate Adam’s graduation from high school in a big way.”
Adam looked slightly pale at the thought. “I hope not.”
“That makes two of us.” I placed my hand instinctively over my stomach, hoping that Harper could hear and somehow understand that next Saturday wouldn’t be a good time for her to arrive.
“Is your brother still getting married in a few weeks?” Ned asked, grinning. It was the first time I had ever really seen him smile, and it was uncanny, how much he looked like Adam in that moment. I wondered if Harper would have that smile, and hoped she would.
“Two weeks from today,” I replied. “Harper should be here by then; she might make a surprise guest appearance.”
“You think you’d be up to going that soon after?” Ned asked, looking surprised. “Isn’t she due the twelfth? That’s only two days.”
“I’m hoping she’ll come before the twelfth, but it’s possible I’d be okay if she did. Thea doesn’t like to give answers to that stuff until it happens.”
“Makes sense.” Ned stepped back from the crib, which was finally beginning to look the way it should. “At least we know for sure she’s going to have a nice place to sleep, whenever she decides to get there.”
I looked at the crib, wanting to feel the same joy I’d felt when I first looked at it, but the feeling wouldn’t come. All I felt was sorrow, over the woman who had purchased it, and the promises that had come along with the purchase, over the baby version of myself that had slept in one so similar. I hated that she was gone before she could met Harper, before she could watch her fall asleep. I hated that if she had to go, she couldn’t have at least taken all of the tangible evidence of her ever being here with her.
Adam seemed to sense the change in my mood, and slid his arm around my shoulder, holding me close to him. “I think she’ll like it,” he decided, squeezing me slightly. “What do you think?”
“I think she’ll be happy,” I replied, promising to myself that that would ring true, no matter what. Even if I couldn’t be, I’d do everything in my power to make sure Harper lived the happiest life possible. Suddenly, nothing in the world seemed more important to me than that.
“She’ll be happy,” I repeated, as if to no one else but myself.
Chapter Forty-Four
“I look horrible,” Hannah fretted, holding the dress closer to her and spinning slightly, frowning at her reflection.
“You do not,” I argued. I knew this was just Hannah’s attempt at getting me to compliment her appearance, but I was more than willing to do that. Besides, I didn’t have to lie. The silky purple gown she had chosen for prom night made her look even more beautiful than she already was, complementing her pale skin and dark hair, and bringing out her jade green eyes even more than usual.
“What if he doesn’t like it?” She agonized. “Tonight’s the night, Lainey. I have to look perfect.”
I said nothing for a minute, letting the words sink in. Tonight’s the night. She’d told me about that a few days ago, that she and Nolan had decided to wait and have their first time on prom night. It was a stereotype, she’d admitted, but one she was fine giving in to. I wanted to warn her against the decision with every fiber in my being, but I knew better. Hannah was going to do what Hannah wanted to do, regardless of my consent or blessing. The best thing to do was to just support her, and be there for her if she later came to regret it.
“Did you talk about what’s going to happen once he moves to California?” I asked instead.
“No, we haven’t discussed it, but we don’t need to. We’re in love.”
I wondered if Nolan had ever actually told Hannah he loved her. Knowing Hannah, she would have paused him in the middle of the sentence so she could tell me all about it, so it didn’t seem likely he had. But I said nothing. I didn’t think I’d ever trust Nolan, but that was okay. I trusted Hannah.
“I wish you were going tonight,” she said, placing the dress on her bed and sitting down at the vanity table. “It’s not going to be the same without you.”
“I know,” I agreed. “But it wouldn’t be a good idea. I can barely even walk two feet without feeling uncomfortable anymore; being at a dance all night would be unbearable.”
“You wouldn’t be the first pregnant girl at a prom, though. You know that, right? Probably not even in Haven. I’m sure there were plenty of girls pregnant by then, but no one noticed because they didn’t give birth until they graduated.”
“Maybe,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure how true I thought that was. “But it isn’t for me. Not tonight.”
I was only a sophomore, I kept telling myself. I’d have a junior and a senior prom to look forward to, and Hannah and Adam would both be able to enjoy it with me. This was Adam’s prom, and he’d gone last year. He hadn’t been too impressed by it, and didn’t seem heartbroken about missing out this year.
Hannah got busy putting her make up on, and all conversation came to a halt. I took the time to look around the room, trying to remember what it felt like sharing it her, but the memories were already too far away. The beds were pushed together, looking more like one these days, and both dressers were spilling out with all of Hannah’s clothes.
I smiled to myself, wondering where everything had been hidden back when one of the dressers had been mine. Instinctively I stood and walked towards it; opening the drawer I had hid the pregnancy test in all those months ago. It was full of Hannah’s shirts now, ones I’d never seen before.
I almost expected to find it, buried under her clothes, waiting for me. But I knew it was back at home with Adam, where it belonged now. He’d held onto it after Hannah threw it at him the night she found out, and we’d decided to keep it, for memory’s sake. We’d put it in Harper’s baby book once we started to make one, and hold onto it forever.
One day w
e would tell her the story of how this all came together, how our family came to be, the minute that pregnancy stick came back positive. We’d embellish, make it sound a lot better than it really was. Hopefully Harper would be smart, but bad at math. I smiled at the thought.
“Are you going to wait with me until Nolan gets here, or are you going to leave as soon as Mom is about to be back?” Hannah asked, interrupting my thoughts.
“I didn’t know she was gone,” I admitted. Adam had dropped me off over an hour ago, after Hannah called in a panic, claiming she’d changed her mind about the dress last minute and didn’t know what to do. It was all a ploy to get me over there, but I didn’t mind. If I couldn’t enjoy prom myself, at least I could enjoy watching Hannah get ready for it.
“She went to Erin’s,” Hannah replied. “She’s supposed to come back for pictures before I leave, but who knows. And I don’t know where Michael is, but he’s got to be around here somewhere. Mom would never leave this place unattended.”
“I’ll stay,” I promised. “I might even try to snap a few pictures myself, on my handy dandy cell phone.” I waved it in the air for emphasis.
Hannah smiled in the mirror, directing it at me. “I’m glad you’re here, Lainey. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too.”
I watched as Hannah finished her makeup and then pulled her hair back, pinning it so that it didn’t hang in her face, but fell loose around her shoulders. She’d curled the bottom few inches, and it looked amazing. She looked like a princess. Nolan was lucky to have her.
I helped her into her dress, and by the time she’d slid into her shoes and stuffed whatever she could into the tiny purse she was bringing along, it was time to go downstairs. Nolan was walking through the door almost as soon as we reached the bottom.
“Wow,” he said, his jaw practically dropping to the ground. “You look amazing.” It was the biggest compliment I’d ever heard Nolan say, and a part of me was impressed.
“Thanks,” Hannah said, beaming. He stared at her for a second longer, before lifting the small box he held in his hand, and removing the corsage from it. It was full of flowers I didn’t know the names of, all in different shades of purple. Again, I was impressed with his ability to choose something that was really going to complement Hannah’s dress.
Nora appeared then, camera in hand. Her gaze drifted across me momentarily, but she looked away before I could make eye contact with her. I wondered if she were surprised I were here, and if she’d hoped Hannah’s relationship with Nolan had taken a toll on our friendship. Even though she and my father were still married, I knew she didn’t consider me her stepdaughter anymore, and I wondered if that meant she didn’t consider me to be Hannah’s sister.
I stood at the sidelines, watching as Nora snapped pictures of Hannah and Nolan, standing there and smiling, holding on to each other the way I remembered holding onto Adam at the beginning, when our relationship was still fresh and new, and every decision we made didn’t have a lasting impact on the rest of our lives. It brought back feelings of nostalgia, and I took as many pictures as my cell phone could handle, wanting to capture the moment as fully as I could.
“Do you have a ride home?” Hannah asked when it was time to go, looking concerned.
I smiled at her reassuringly. “I’ll call Adam.”
“We can drop you off on the way,” Nolan offered. “It’s no big deal.”
I shook my head. “No, get to the prom. I’ll be fine. He’s just at home, anyway. Really,” I added, when Hannah still seemed unsure.
“You’re positive?” She asked and I laughed, nodding my head.
“Yes, I’m sure.” We hugged a little awkwardly, my stomach feeling huge in between us. “Now go and have fun, and I want to know every single detail afterwards.” Well, maybe not every single one.
“Oh, you will,” she promised, sending me a private wink. Nora was busy examining the pictures on her digital camera, and didn’t catch it.
I waved goodbye as they left, and then stood there, feeling as though the air had suddenly become too heavy to breathe. Nora remained in the same room as me, neither of us speaking or moving. I knew I should call Adam and let him know I was ready to get home, but something was stopping me.
Nora cleared her throat finally, and I turned to her, waiting for her to speak. “Your father tells me you’re due soon,” she said.
I nodded, though I had no idea how my father knew. We hadn’t spoken much in the last few weeks; last few months, really. “The twelfth.”
“Less than two weeks.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s soon,” she said unnecessarily. “Are you ready?”
“As ready as I’m going to be.” It wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear, I was sure, but it was the best I could come up with.
“Yes, well, that’s how it works, I suppose. I’d offer you a ride home, but we’re getting our biggest batch of guests yet tomorrow morning, plus all the planning I still have to do for your brother’s wedding, so I really can’t.”
I hadn’t expected her to, but it still bothered me, on some level. “It’s okay,” I told her. “I wasn’t going to ask anyway.”
She didn’t look convinced, but she nodded curtly before turning and heading towards the office. I watched her take a few steps before stopping again and turning just so that I knew she was talking to me, without actually looking at me.
“Take care of yourself, Lainey.”
It seemed so final, but I wouldn’t let that bother me. Whatever bond Nora and I had once shared was long since over, and I’d accepted that.
“I will,” I replied, and she was gone before I could tell her the same.
Chapter Forty-Five
Hours later, prom was ending, and Hannah was off wherever she was, consummating her relationship with Nolan. Although I didn’t want to picture the details, I found myself thinking about it as the clock struck midnight and I was still awake, laying on the couch in our tiny living room, my head on Adam’s lap, his fingers running listlessly through my hair.
“Do you think we would have gone to prom if I wasn’t pregnant?” I asked Adam.
“Maybe,” he replied. “Or maybe we would have just found something better to do.”
“Are you scared?”
“Of not going to prom? No.” He grinned. “That would be silly.”
I smiled up at him. “No, of the fact that this is your last week of high school, ever.”
“Yeah, a little,” he admitted. “I try not to think about it too much. I mean, graduating high school is kind of nothing compared to having a baby, so I’m just taking it all in stride.”
I turned my gaze back to the television set, to the program we’d been watching for hours without really paying attention. It was a typical teen drama, popular years ago, but not so much now. This episode happened to be of a prom night, and there was a breakup occurring. It made me feel uncomfortable and worried about Hannah, even though maybe I shouldn’t be. I needed to remember that people could change, and they needed to be allowed to. Nolan deserved that much, at least.
“Do you think you’ll like working for your uncle?” I asked.
“Yeah, Paul is a good guy. I don’t know how much I’m going to like the work, but I’ll deal with it. At least until I figure out everything else.”
“I’ll get a job after I graduate,” I promised. “That way you can focus on what you want with your life, too.”
He smiled down at me. “I already know what I want in my life, and she’s laying on me right now.”
“You have to want more than just me, though.” I pointed out. “You have to have goals.”
“A happy family seems like a good enough goal,” he replied. “I’ll be content with that.”
Somehow I doubted that, but it seemed too heavy of a conversation to deal with right now. I looked back to the TV, the girl now in tears, shocked at how she had just been treated. My mind drifted back to Hannah, but I pushed the tho
ught away. She was fine, and she was going to stay that way.
“Are you going to miss Nolan when he moves to California?” I asked. It was a stupid question, but I felt the need to ask it anyway.
“Yeah, but it’s not like it matters. We wouldn’t have much time together even if he stayed local.”
“Why not?”
“I’ll be working all the time, and then spending whatever free time I do have with you and the baby. And Nolan would still be doing whatever Nolan wants to do. We’re in different places in life. I guess I kind of feel like it wouldn’t matter if he’s in California or here, because the outcome would be the same.”
“You don’t know that that’s what would happen,” I argued. It was hard to imagine Adam and Nolan not best friends, or even good friends.
“No one stays close to their high school friends,” he informed me, as if he had some previous knowledge about this.
I motioned to the TV. “I bet these people do.”
“There’s nothing even remotely realistic about them.”
“Maybe not, but why couldn’t this be realistic? I mean, I bet those two get back together in the next episode. They seem meant to be.”
“Look at you, being all idealistic,” Adam said with a grin. “I didn’t know you were such a closet optimist.”
“I try,” I said with a smile. “But it’s true, isn’t it? If they’re meant to be, it will work out.”
“You think that works in real life? Miss I-Don’t-Believe-In-Fate?”
I vaguely remembered telling Adam I didn’t believe in things like fate and everything happening for a reason, but those days seemed so far ago. “I don’t know what I believe,” I admitted. “I just know I had to have some sort of good luck to have ended up here, with you. Not every girl in this situation would.”
“You’re in good hands,” he promised. “I’ll never let anything happen to you, or to the baby.”
I smiled up at him, believing his words. It felt good; right, even, where we were right now. It hadn’t been easy, but every hardship we’d ever overcome together made this moment feel even more worthwhile.
The Consequences of Forever (Lainey) Page 35
