by Lyn Gardner
The strange thing about the Little Snoring shoe thief was that he or she only seemed to ever steal one shoe from every pair. It was very mysterious and extremely vexing. Hetty’s mom had been forced to compete in the Little Snoring Ballroom Dancing Championships wearing one gold sandal and a rain boot and as a result had only just scraped through to the finals.
Digging for treasure proved to be exhausting work, and the children got hot very quickly.
Tat stopped to unwrap one of several packets of jam sandwiches that he kept in his pockets. His mom always wrapped his sandwiches in the old shipping reports that had been sent to his dad when he had been the lighthouse keeper. This one was from ages ago and read:
Tat folded the paper and put it carefully in his pocket to avoid littering the beach. He took a big bite from his sandwich and peered into the hole, which was now very deep.
“Some people say that if you dig deep enough, you’ll eventually get to Australia,” said Tat.
“Some people are wrong,” said Hetty firmly.
Tat wiped the sweat off his face. “I don’t think there is any treasure buried here,” he said sadly. “Maybe we should try somewhere else.”
To cheer himself up, Tat took another huge bite out of his jam sandwich and a splotch of jam fell to the end of Chapter 3 where it made a very sticky mess.
Tat and Hetty started to dig another hole farther down the beach, and then another. Soon the beach was covered with holes!
“Maybe the treasure isn’t even on the beach,” said Hetty. And then her spade hit something hard.
Tat leaped into the hole and smoothed away the sand from the top of a large wooden box. “TREASURE!” he shouted at the top of his voice.
The word treasure carried on the wind all the way to the deck of The Rotten Apple, and as soon as the McNasty twins heard the word they both grinned. It was such a terrifying sight that it made Mrs. Slime feel quite faint and her nose dripped twice as fast as the usual 2.7 miles per hour.
The McNastys knew that if they were going to swipe the treasure from under the children’s noses they were going to have to act, and act fast. So they did. But you will have to read the next chapter to find out what it was they did, and I can tell you it is deeply, disgustingly and distressingly nasty and ghastly.
This page is not Chapter 4. Instead, it features some outstandingly helpful advice on how to read this book!
Chapter 4
(I implore you to skip this chapter if you are of a nervous disposition or get hiccups very easily. Although if you do skip it, the rest of the story won’t make any sense at all. This is what is known as “being on the horns of a dilemma.”)
“Quick,” said Captain Gruesome and Captain Grisly together as soon as they spied Tat and Hetty trying to lift the box out of the deep hole. “Launch the sharkmobile!”
“Aye, aye, Captains,” sniffed Mrs. Slime, and she pressed a button on the great wheel of The Rotten Apple and the sharkmobile appeared on deck. The twins and Mrs. Slime climbed in and Mrs. Slime pressed another button. The sharkmobile plummeted downward like an out-of-control elevator, and exited The Rotten Apple through a hole in the bottom that had been helpfully nibbled by maggots. The sharkmobile shot green slime out of its periscope to seal up the hole again. The useful properties of Mrs. Slime’s nasal secretions (that’s snot to you and me) were the only reason that the McNastys didn’t get rid of Mrs. Slime, despite her persistent and extremely irritating sniffling.
Just then Captain Gruesome McNasty realized that he had forgotten Pegleg Polly, whom he hated but took everywhere with him so he would look like a proper pirate, and Mrs. Slime realized that she had forgotten her box of tissues, so they had to go back, climb on deck and unlock the front door, which was very annoying and made the twins even more bad-tempered than usual. Then they headed toward the shore and whizzed up the beach, stopping very close to Hetty, Tat and Dog. They got out of the sharkmobile, tied it up behind some rowing boats and disguised themselves as trees.
Hetty, Tat and Dog were so busy trying to open the box that they didn’t immediately notice the three trees shuffling toward them. The trees were within a few yards of them when Tat turned around and saw them.
“Look,” said Tat. “Walking trees.”
“Don’t be silly, Tat,” said Hetty firmly. “Trees can’t walk, and if they have started they should be stopped immediately because it is most untree-like behavior.”
Dog looked interested. He trotted over to the trees, sniffed, cocked his leg by each of them and marked them.
“Sweaty socks!” said Captain Gruesome McNasty between clenched teeth as he felt a trickle of liquid down his trouser leg.
“Squeaky underpants!” muttered Captain Grisly McNasty as a warm puddle formed in his shoes.
The third tree sneezed.
“That tree has got a very nasty cold. I hope it’s not catching,” said Tat.
But Hetty wasn’t listening because she was prying open the box. Tat and Dog moved closer. The trees shuffled nearer. There was a quick flash of gold before Hetty closed the box again. She grinned in delight.
“TREASURE!” shouted Tat.
At that moment Captain Gruesome McNasty shouted, “Mine!”
“Mine!” shouted Captain Grisly McNasty at the same time.
They both reached over to grab the box out of Hetty’s arms. Hetty opened her mouth to say something, but just then Mrs. Slime sneezed. A pile of snot hurtled straight toward her like a small green torpedo.
Hetty ducked and the twins bumped each other very hard on the head.
“Timber!” squawked Pegleg Polly as the twins toppled to the ground and their disguises fell away, exposing their horrible faces and their terrible teeth.
The children and Dog stared at the twins.
“Those aren’t trees,” said Tat.
“No,” said Hetty. “I told you that trees can’t walk.” Then she added, because she knew everything, “They are the McNasty twins, the nastiest pirates ever to have sailed the seven seas. And that’s their second mate, Mrs. Slime.”
Mrs. Slime was trying to edge away unnoticed, which was not easy as she was leaving a slime trail like a giant slug.
Hetty considered the pirates’ appalling teeth and shuddered. “Let that be a lesson to you,” she said, pointing at the blackened stubs. “That is what comes of not brushing your teeth and never paying a visit to the dentist.”
“Quick,” said Tat. “Let’s take the treasure box and hide it until my mom and dad get back.”
“Can you think of somewhere safe?” asked Hetty.
“Thinking is such hard work,” said Tat. Then he grinned. “I know where it will be safe. I know where the McNastys will never go.” He whispered in Hetty’s ear in case anyone was listening.
“Sometimes I think you are an unacknowledged genius, Tat,” said Hetty. “We can use my wagon to move it there, then we can go back to my house for lunch. My mom is cooking spaghetti Bolognese. She’s put extra carrots in especially for you, Tat.”
A little while after the children had left, the McNasty twins awoke to find a party of Scouts burying them up to their necks in sand. They both had terrible headaches. Captain Gruesome’s head felt as if it had been pureed in a cement mixer. Captain Grisly felt as if he had just spent four hours learning his eight times table.
After disposing of the Scouts, they staggered to the deep hole. They both leaned over and peered down, hoping that there might be another box of treasure that the children had overlooked. From far away at the very bottom of the hole, they could just make out some bright lights in the darkness, and when they looked more closely, they could see some upside-down people waving at them. The people looked very happy, and the McNasty twins didn’t like that one bit because they thought everyone should be miserable like them.
They thought they might cheer themselves up by getting Mrs. Slime to sneeze on the waving people, but just then four kangaroos bounced up through the hole, bonked and boxed the twins hard on the nos
e and bottom and hopped away.
“Sweaty socks!” said Captain Gruesome, rubbing his nose. “I must be seeing things after my bang on the head.”
He looked greedily around, but there was no sign of Tat, Hetty and the box of treasure. “I am going to find those nasty treasure-grabbing children and sit on them until they are squashed as flat as pancakes and tell me where they have taken the treasure.”
“Squeaky underpants!” said Captain Grisly, rubbing his bottom. “I am going to catch those horrid children who’ve stolen what is rightfully mine and make them walk the plank into shark-infested waters.”
“Nasty boys!” squawked Pegleg Polly.
Captain Gruesome took a swipe at her but missed.
Chapter 5
Disguising themselves as long-lost relatives, the McNastys asked villagers where they might find two children and a cat that behaved like a dog. They were directed to Hetty’s house. Still rubbing their sore heads, the McNastys arrived at Hetty’s house just in time to see the children and Dog disappearing through the side door.
“Sweaty socks. They haven’t got the box of treasure with them,” said Captain Gruesome McNasty.
“Squeaky underpants! They must have hidden it in a secret place for safekeeping. We’ll have to follow them and discover where they’ve put it,” said Captain Grisly McNasty.
The twins sat down to keep watch on the children and eat their packed lunch of pickled onion and caterpillar sandwiches, which they thought were exceptionally delicious.
“What we need,” said Captain Gruesome, “is a plan.”
“Yes, a nasty, ghastly plan,” said his brother.
It was not hard to come up with one because they were so very nasty and ghastly and because they had sent Mrs. Slime to the Captain Bluebeard Memorial Library to borrow a copy of 101 Ways to Dispose of Horrible, Horrendous and Hideous Children.
“Aha, how admirably abominable,” said Captain Gruesome, pointing to page 105, which had instructions on how to lure children into a Big, Scary, Very Dark, Dense Forest Where No One In Their Right Mind Would Want To Go.
“Look, how loathsomely lovely,” said Captain Grisly, pointing to page 106 and a recipe for Truly Scrumptious, Perfectly Poisonous Jam Sandwich Flavored Fudge.
“Sweaty socks! We are brilliant brainiacs,” said Captain Gruesome.
“Squeaky underpants! We are cunningly clever,” said Captain Grisly. “We’ll lure the children into the Big, Scary, Very Dark, Dense Forest Where No One In Their Right Mind Would Want To Go with the promise of fudge and make them confess where they have hidden the treasure and then steal it from them.”
“Nasty boys!” squawked Pegleg Polly.
Captain Gruesome gave her a swipe with his hand and she fell all the way to the end of Chapter 8.
After lunch, the children set off toward the Little Snoring candy store. Hetty’s mom had given them some money, and the children wanted to buy candy before heading back to the beach to dig for more treasure.
“Sweaty socks,” growled Captain Gruesome, watching Hetty and Tat as they walked down the road with Dog trotting behind them. “It looks like those revolting children still haven’t got the treasure box with them.”
“Squeaky underpants,” whined Captain Grisly. “Never mind, we’ll have gruesome fun making them tell us where they have hidden it. Our cunning plan can’t fail. We just have to get ahead of the children and put up our sign, which will lure them to their doom.”
“We’ll take a shortcut across Little Snoring’s delightful junkyard,” said Captain Gruesome, who always found the smell of junkyards strangely alluring.
The children passed several kangaroos grazing on the tulips in the front gardens, which was a bit puzzling as Hetty said she was quite certain that kangaroos lived in Australia and were not native to Little Snoring and she couldn’t think how they had got there.
They arrived at the candy store, but there was a big sign on the door saying:
“What a pity,” said Hetty.
“It’s very odd,” said Tat. “The candy store is only ever closed on wet Wednesday afternoons in March and it’s a Saturday in May today and hot and dry.”
“Look!” said Hetty excitedly, and she pointed to a sign next to the candy store.
“Hetty,” said Tat. “Don’t you think this is highly suspicious? I wonder if it could be the McNastys trying to lure us into a trap.”
“Oh, no,” said Hetty, whose mouth was already watering at the prospect of free fudge. “The McNastys aren’t smart enough to trap us.”
“Are you quite sure, Hetty?” asked Tat.
“I am supremely confident,” said Hetty, and Tat believed her because everyone knew that Hetty knew everything.
“It is very tempting,” agreed Tat, who had never tasted jam sandwich flavored fudge and thought that he should, “but to get to it we’ll have to walk through the Big, Scary, Very Dark, Dense Forest Where No One In Their Right Mind Would Want To Go.”
“We would,” agreed Hetty, who was discovering that the prospect of free fudge was making her feel unusually brave, “but we would be very careful, and what’s a little fear, horror, dread, anxiety and trepidation when there is free fudge involved? And we can keep an eye out for more treasure.”
“That’s a great plan,” said Tat. “Let’s do it.”
Chapter 6
Hetty and Tat set off through the Big, Scary, Very Dark, Dense Forest Where No One In Their Right Mind Would Want To Go.
The Big, Scary, Very Dark, Dense Forest Where No One In Their Right Mind Would Want To Go was exceptionally big, scary, dark and dense:
Tat was very brave and volunteered to go first because he had brought his flashlight with the power of a million candles with him, and Hetty knew that you should never eat the poisonous toadstools however pretty they looked and however many cute little elves were dancing around them.
They arrived at Ye Olde Fudge Shoppe where the McNasty twins and Mrs. Slime were disguised as kind, helpful fudge-shop keepers. The McNasty twins put on their ghastliest smiles and held out a big plate of Truly Scrumptious, Perfectly Poisonous Jam Sandwich Flavored Fudge.
“Stop!” shouted Hetty, seeing through their disguises, but she was too late: Tat and Dog had already gobbled down several pieces each.
“Aha!” said the McNasty twins, tearing off their disguises. “Got you, you rotten-toothed children!”
They turned to Hetty.
“I’m delighted to inform you,” said Captain Gruesome, “that the nasty boy and nasty cat have just been poisoned by our Truly Scrumptious, Perfectly Poisonous Jam Sandwich Flavored Fudge. And if you don’t tell us where you’ve hidden the treasure that you found this morning, we won’t give them the antidote.”
“Actually,” Captain Grisly muttered, “we don’t know the antidote.”
Hetty frowned. “If you don’t have the antidote,” she said, “there is no logical reason why I should tell you where the treasure is. Telling you won’t save Tat and Dog.”
“You bumbling, bimbling idiot!” roared Captain Gruesome to his brother. “You’ve ruined my dastardly plan!”
“Excuse me, but you’ve ruined my life, which, although it hasn’t been going too well recently, is the only one I have,” whispered Tat quietly but very bravely.
“Yes,” said Captain Grisly, “but let’s look on the bright side. At least we’ve rid the world of one more horrible, hideous child and a naughty, nasty cat that behaves like a dog.”
“Show me the recipe,” demanded Hetty.
Captain Gruesome grinned wickedly as he watched Hetty read the list of ingredients, which looked like this:
Hetty scanned the ingredients. She turned green and then she turned white.
“It really is poisonously poisonous, isn’t it?” said Captain Grisly happily.
“Alas, yes,” whispered Hetty. “All is lost!” A tear rolled down her cheek.
“Should Dog and I say goodbye, Hetty?” asked Tat bravely.
“Yes,”
said Hetty tearfully.
“Goodbye,” said Tat.
“Meow,” meowed Dog.
He rolled over on his side and wagged his tail feebly.
“The poison is working even quicker than I’d hoped,” said Captain Grisly.
“That’s because I made it even more poisonous!” said Captain Gruesome triumphantly. “I put in two extra ingredients.”
“What did you add?” asked Hetty urgently.
“Two pints of green slime and a pig’s ear.”
“Two pints of green slime and a pig’s ear?” said Hetty. She smiled and picked up one of the pieces of fudge and ate it.
“Mmm … Truly scrumptious.”
“Hetty, what on earth are you doing?” cried Tat. “You’ll be poisoned, too.”
“No, I won’t,” said Hetty calmly. “I came across this same recipe in a book when I was doing my Super Star–winning school project on Lives of the Great Poisoners (Regretful and Reformed) and it was quite clear that the recipe is not effective if you add two pints of slime and a pig’s ear. It stops all the other ingredients from working.”
Captain Gruesome seized the recipe book. Sure enough, at the very bottom of the recipe was a footnote in tiny writing that declared that anyone following the recipe must:
The McNasty twins roared with rage like rampaging rhinoceroses and ran off. (Actually, they slunk off quietly, furious that their dastardly plan had entirely failed to work, but I enjoyed writing a sentence with so many Rs in it and it’s fun to roll your Rs when you are reading out loud.)
Mrs. Slime sneezed. “ACHOO!”
Misery made her sneezes even more explosive than usual. She liked Tat and Hetty far more than she liked the McNastys, who had confiscated her box of tissues when a sneezing attack made her late back from the library. Green slime poured out of her nose like a fast-flowing river.
