by Grace Owens
“I was home for Christmas break one year. My dad was at work, I think.” Truth be told, I had no idea where my dad had been that night, but I chose to believe it was something innocent like his work. “Anyway, my mom really wanted to make us some hot chocolate, but in her world, you couldn’t have hot chocolate without marshmallows.” I smiled at the memory of her hot chocolate and her love for marshmallows. “I told her we didn’t need it, but she insisted and said that the store wasn’t that far away and that she would be right back. Why didn’t I stop her, Cailean?”
Fresh tears were flowing down my cheeks, the guilt that had been haunting me for years was overwhelming.
“You couldn’t have known,” he whispered.
I turned around in his arms so that I could face him. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t see pity in his eyes, because that was the last thing I wanted – that was not the reason why I told him this, something I hadn’t even told the girls because I knew they would pity me – but I saw none of that. Instead, his green eyes looked sad. Sadness was a lot better than pity, so I continued.
“It had snowed pretty heavily that year and the plow machines were running almost all day, every day of the week. Mom was just going to the store to get some marshmallows to make hot chocolate.”
“What happened?” Cailean wiped fresh tears of off my cheek. It felt nice so I placed my hand over his, not wanting him to move.
I closed my eyes, focusing on his warm palm on my cheek and answered, “The roads were covered in ice and a plow machine swerved out of his lane for less than a minute but that was all it took.”
“I’m so sorry, Gert.” That was all he said before he crushed me in a hug – or whatever our position allowed us to – and he didn’t let go.
“They said that she died at the scene, but I know that she didn’t die instantly.”
“How do you know?”
“The guy who was operating the plow contacted me about a month after the accident. I never blamed him for it, but he blamed himself and he wanted to let me know how sorry he was. He said that he had sat with my mom, held her hand and all that, until the ambulance had arrived. She died holding a stranger’s hand, but at least she had someone there with her.”
”There was nothing you could have done,” he assured me gently, something I’d heard over and over again, but it never hit home. It still didn’t make me feel any better coming from Cailean, but I felt lighter after telling him about it. It was something my dad and I rarely talked about, especially since Diane had showed up.
My instincts were to argue and tell him that I could have done so much to just make her stay home, but instead I said, ”Thank you.”
”I’ll always be here for you,” he promised and once again I chose not to argue. If he thought he would always be here for me, then I would let him believe that. Inside though, I knew there would be a time he wouldn’t. I didn’t see a reason as to why he would want to stick around when he had a new wife and a new life. It didn’t make sense. ”Are you hungry?”
It seemed like an odd question after everything I had just told him, but maybe he was just trying to change the subject.
”No.” I nuzzled closer to him. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of the bed, or his arms for that matter. I wanted to stay where I was for as long as possible. And I truly wasn’t hungry, at least not for food.
”You need to eat. And you missed dinner.”
”I know,” I whispered as I kissed his neck. The thought of food made me feel nauseous, but the thought of him made me feel horny. After all the crying, I needed something to make me feel good and get my mind off of it. Before, I would have reached for a book or turned on the TV, but now I had this man. Someone who knew how to make me feel good. I tried getting closer, which was almost impossible since we were already so close. Still, I pressed my body to his and said, ”I need you.”
”I’m right here,” he promised, misunderstanding what I meant.
”Please.” I started fumbling with his clothes, hoping he got the hint. I had only gotten his t-shirt up over his amazing abs before his hands stopped me.
”Not like this.” He hugged me to him and making it impossible for me to remove any clothing. Rejection hit me like a flood and fresh tears started pooling in my eyes before spilling over my cheeks. He must have felt them because he spoke again, ”I’m happy to let you use my body whenever you have the need to, but not when you’re sad and crying. You’ll still be sad after its done.”
”I just want you to make me feel better,” I rasped out, trying to get more wiggle room.
”I do, too, but sex isn’t the answer this time.”
”You don’t want me?” I was trying to guilt him into having sex with me which made me feel icky. I just needed him to make the pain go away and his body would do the trick, I was sure of it.
”Gertie,” he warned. ”You fucking know how turned on you make me. Your body was made for me and you know it. I’ll fuck you senseless tomorrow, but I’m not going to do it minutes after finishing a six hour crying-fest.”
”But I want it now,” I argued like a child. I needed to unwind my body and the only way I knew how to these days was having sex with Cailean.
”No.” His tone was one of finality and it didn’t matter what he had said, humiliation ran through my veins like wildfire. I tried to push away from him, but he wouldn’t let me. ”Let me make you something to eat.”
”I’m not hungry, Cailean,” I told him for the last time. Forcing myself to eat would only make things worse. I was an adult woman and if I was hungry, I would eat. ”Now, let me go.”
”Never.” He tightened his hold, stopping my struggles of getting free from his embrace. ”At least come with me while I get myself something to eat. I’m fucking starving.”
”Then why didn’t you eat before you came in here?”
”Because my girls needed me,” he answered and patted my butt before he rolled over to get out of the bed. Even though I had wanted to get away from him, I instantly missed the connection. ”Now, come on.”
With a pounding head, I did what he asked, although I had no clue why I did. Again, I wasn’t hungry. I was tired and I wanted comfort in the form of his body, not his company. I already had my clothes on, albeit a bit wrinkled, but who the hell cared anyway? So all I had to do was use the bathroom and put shoes on.
”Where are we even going?” I was still in a sour mood over not being in bed, naked, as I located my purse.
”Hey, come here,” Cailean said as he pulled me toward him. I looked up at him just as he bent down to kiss me. Of course, my body instantly reacted and my mind went back to where it had been just a few short moments ago. I needed him. And just like before, he stopped me from taking things further by breaking the kiss, leaning his forehead against mine as his breath fanned my face. ”Don’t make this any harder than it is.”
”Why won’t you just have sex with me?” I asked, frustrated, and pulled away from his embrace. If anyone was making things harder than it had to be, it was him.
”Because we both know it’s not what you need right now.”
”You have no idea about what I need or don’t need right now.”
My anger toward this whole situation was getting worse and with it came both tears and a wave of nausea. I tried to breathe through it, willing them both to go away.
”Oh, yeah? You think that me fucking you right now will magically make the grief and pain go away? Guess what, Gertie, it won’t. All it will do is momentarily make you forget why you were sad in the first place and possibly make it worse. I’m not going to help you do that. I’ll have sex with you once your head’s in a better place and you can actually enjoy it.”
His words had finality to them and I knew there was no way we were going to have sex right now. However, I didn’t get to think too long about that or whether or not to follow him out the door he had disappeared through because I had to run to the bathroom before I puked all over the carpet.
; I knew Cailean had eventually followed me inside the bathroom because I could feel his presence behind me as I heaved into the toilet. Since I hadn’t really eaten much today, there wasn’t much coming up, but the nausea still wouldn’t go away.
”Here,” he said, handing me a glass of water as I leaned back for a break I knew was going to be short-lived.
”Just go away,” I rasped out in a moan, not wanting him to see me like this. I managed to get out a ”Please” before I was once again head deep in the toilet.
”I’ll always be here for you, Gertie,” he said, rubbing my back.
It felt like the heaving went on forever, taking away whatever little energy I had left after all the crying. I was beyond exhausted by the time I finally felt like it was safe to leave my position in front of the toilet.
”I’m sorry for trying to guilt you into having sex with me,” I mumbled, leaning against the tub.
”I still lo-” The word got stuck and he coughed to hide what he was about to say before he recovered with, “like you, babe. Trust me, turning down sex from you wasn’t easy and it will probably be a rarity in the future.”
We both knew what he was about to say and I thanked the heavens that he stopped himself before he uttered the word that was for sure going to turn our relationship upside-down. I wasn’t ready for love and I absolutely didn’t want to hear Cailean tell me that he loved me because that would force me into thinking about my feelings for him. Feelings I shouldn’t be having or even thinking about having.
Chapter 17
◆◆◆
“WHERE DOES THE name Cailean come from?” I asked as he rubbed my feet in lazy motions. It felt absolutely wonderful.
It had been three days since my breakdown and while things had returned to normal, it almost felt as if Cailean had gotten busier with the bar downstairs than ever before. I didn’t know if he was avoiding me after almost spilling the dreaded L-word or if he simply was just busy. Either way, I was grateful, in ways I chose to ignore, to have his undivided attention tonight.
We were currently sitting on the couch, reading a book about baby names. While it wasn’t necessary to name our daughter yet, I felt a strong need to have a name for her. Plus, it would get Allie and Cailean’s mom off our backs for a little bit; they had both been overly excited about us having a girl and I had no doubt that I would end up with a whole closet and then some pretty soon.
“It was my great-grandfather’s name. My mom wanted to name me after her father, but he wanted none of that so she named me after his father instead.”
“What was your grandfather’s name?” I had always found it fascinating when people named their children after a family member. I, myself, had been named after Hamlet’s mom – my Mom had been a big Shakespeare fan, but there were a lot of characters she could have named me after that weren’t an old lady name.
“Colin,” Cailean answered.
“I like that name,” I said honestly. “If we’d had a boy, do you think your mom would have been upset if we would have named him Colin?”
“I think she would have loved it,” he answered, digging a little further into the arch of my foot, causing me to let out a moan. “And there’s always the next one.”
“Cailean,” I warned, taking my feet away from him. I didn’t want to think about him having another baby with another woman and then naming him Colin. I also didn’t want him thinking that we would have a second baby together either, which made me selfish. I knew I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too, but jealousy surged through me just thinking about him touching another woman.
“I don’t know why you keep fighting this, Gertie. We both know that you belong to me.” He shifted us so that he was hovering above me. He kissed down my neck, knowing how it affected me.
“Because our marriage was never supposed to happen in the first place.” It was getting harder to focus when he moved on to my collarbone, nipping it lightly before giving it soft kisses.
“Or maybe it was fate. Maybe it was always supposed to happen this way.”
“Either way, we’re here and we have a baby to name now, and she’s not some little boy that isn’t even planned yet,” I answered and pushed him off me. If he would have continued, it would have ended up with him inside me while convincing me to have a baby as soon as our daughter was out. I couldn’t let that happen. “She needs a name.”
“Fine,” he said with a huff as he sat up straighter, pulling further away from me. I hated to admit it, but I instantly missed the heat of his body.
“I like Isabella.” I stroked my belly. “My mom’s name was Danielle so I was thinking Isabella Danielle.”
“How about Isobel? My grandmother’s name was Isobel.”
“Isobel Danielle Baker.” I liked it. No, I loved it.
Cailean looked up at me with so much emotion that I thought he was going to burst. I had no idea that giving our daughter his grandmother’s name would mean so much.
“Do you really mean that?” he asked, bending down to lift my shirt so that he could kiss my stomach.
“Mean what? I think it’s a great compromise. Besides, I kind of like Isobel better than Isabella.”
“Isobel Danielle Baker?”
Oh. He means his last name.
“Um, I mean, if you don’t want that, we can name her Isobel Danielle Anderson,” I told him with uncertainty. I had thought it was more of a tradition to name your baby after the dad, especially if he was a part of the baby’s life, which Cailean would be.
“Fuck no. While you’re at it, you might as well change your last name, too.”
“Gertrude Baker doesn’t really have a ring to it.” I let out a small chuckle. I didn’t realize until after the words were out of my mouth that it sounded as if I had actually contemplated changing my name.
I hadn’t.
Not even for a second.
“Gertie Baker does, though.” He hovered over me. “You’ll always be Gertie to me so it doesn’t matter if you don’t like the way Gertrude Baker sounds, because you’ll be my Gertie Baker.”
“You’re joking, right?” I held his face in my hands so that I could see his eyes. All I saw was sincerity – he actually wanted me to have his last name. If you would have told me five years ago that the ladies’ man of our school, the great Cailean Baker, wanted me to take his last name, I would have laughed out loud. Now, just because he wanted that, it didn’t mean that I did.
“Never,” he said firmly, effectively chasing any thoughts I had about it away when he eagerly pressed his lips to mine.
My hands made their way from his face to his hips, catching his shirt on my wrists, exposing his wonderful abs. I almost asked how he managed to keep them up, but then he moved away from me to rip it off completely and I lost all my thoughts about it.
Holy hell, I thought as I took in his muscular chest and the tattoos. How am I ever going to let this go?
Instead of thinking about it, my hands made quick work on his belt, but he stopped me before I could make it to his jeans.
“Let me take care of you first,” he protested, moving to yank on my pants. It wasn’t hard for him by any means since they were just a simple pair of sweats.
“You always do.” I stopped him before he got to my shirt. I pushed up, forcing him to sit down, before I straddled him. “Let me take care of you for once.”
I could see the moment he gave up any resistance that he had and I slid down from his lap, and onto my knees in front of him. I tried hiding my nervousness as I worked the button of his jeans, but I mustn’t have done a good job because his hands covered mine just as I was about to unzip him.
“You don’t have to do this, baby,” he assured me.
“You really want me to stop?” I challenged, making a show of stroking him above his jeans.
“Fuck, no,” was his answer as he helped me get his pants down.
His dick sprang free, hard and long as it bounced lightly against his abdomen. The size of it was impressiv
e and I knew I wouldn’t be able to fit it all in my mouth. Looking at it this close, I was surprised it even fit inside me at all.
Before I could lose my courage, I gently grabbed it and took it in my mouth. Cailean let out a moan as I tasted the slight saltiness of the smooth skin.
His hand found its way to my head where it tangled into my hair.
“Look at me,” he demanded and I did, wondering if I had done something wrong. But that thought was quickly erased as I saw his hungry eyes looking down at me. “Bloody hell, you’re so fucking perfect.”
It was hard keeping my eyes locked with his. Partly because it felt too intimate, but also because I wanted to focus on what I was doing. However, seeing the pleasure on his face made me feel good.
“Move your hand with your mouth,” he instructed, sounding out of breath. I did as he asked and watched his head fall back on the couch. The pure extacy on his face made me bold and I took it one step further by circling my tongue around the head.
With the help of his guiding hand in my hair, I bobbed my head up and down, trying to keep up with the rhythm he set. I wanted to go slower, enjoying the moment more than I thought I would, but if anything, he picked up the speed and started thrusting into my mouth. He hit the back of my throat, causing me to gag. I could feel tears on my face as I continued sucking him, trying to go as deep as he wanted.
“I’m about to come so if you don’t want it down your throat, you need to stop.”
Did I? A part of me was curious about what it would be like and another part was disgusted by the idea. It turned out that I took too long to decide, because the next thing I knew, Cailean’s hand tightened in my hair and hot spurts of semen tickled my throat. It felt as if the sticky saltiness never stopped coming and I had a hard time swallowing it with his dick still in my mouth.
Cailean’s hand finally relaxed in my hair, giving me the opportunity to sit up straight. I swallowed what was left in my mouth and the look on his face as his eyes followed the movement was enough to make me want to give it another chance. Perhaps I wouldn’t make such a mess if I was more prepared.
