Something inside her must be inherently ugly and unlovable, and she had been rejected once again. No matter what she did, how hard she had tried to be a good doctor, a good mother, a good daughter, a good wife, she had never measured up. She felt worthless.
She pulled into her driveway alongside Mom’s car and turned off the motor. She slapped the dashboard with her hand, wined at the pain and glared up into the nearly dark sky. “What do You want from me?” she asked through gritted teeth. “Why don’t You just strike me dead if You hate me so much? Do You just enjoy torturing people?” She grabbed her purse and forced herself to get out of the car.
Though still raw, she stepped inside the quiet house and walked back to Tedi’s bedroom to find Ivy sitting on the side of the bed while Tedi read to her. They both looked up in surprise.
“Hi, Mom,” Tedi called.
Mercy frowned at them. “Bed already? It’s Friday night.”
“I coerced her,” Ivy explained. “I told her if she’d go to bed early, I’d take her on that cancer walkathon with me in the morning, if that’s okay with you.”
Mercy nodded. The hospital had been advertising something about that this week, but she’d been too busy to take much notice.
Ivy leaned over and kissed her granddaughter, then stood up and crossed the room toward Mercy. “And since Tedi just finished reading me the end of the third chapter in her book, I think I’ll make my escape.” She frowned and sniffed at Mercy. “You smell like smoke.”
“I had barbecued house for dinner,” Mercy explained. And barbecued heart.
Ivy nodded. “Oh yeah, Lukas was supposed to be cooking tonight, wasn’t he? Hope you had a good time.”
Mercy avoided Ivy’s questioning glance. “If you like rattlesnakes and dinosaurs and Star Trek.” And being dumped.
“No kidding?” Tedi exclaimed from the bed.
“Yeah, you would’ve loved it.”
“A real rattlesnake?” Tedi asked.
“It was dead, but it was real.”
“I’ve got some good news for you,” Ivy said. “Tedi and I visited Clarence Knight this afternoon. He’s quite a character, isn’t he?”
Mercy nodded, feeling her hopes rise in spite of her heartache. “What did you think?”
“I’ve never met anybody quite so…big, and not just physically. He really loves his sister, doesn’t he? I’ll keep an eye on him for a while, but I think he needs more help than that.”
“Oh? What kind of help? They can’t afford to have anyone move in with them.”
“I know. I’ve got some ideas, but I want to think about them overnight. I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow.” Ivy paused, studying Mercy’s face more closely. “Honey, is everything okay?”
Mercy didn’t have the energy to lie. She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Ivy nodded in silence. “Okay. Maybe later.” She pulled Mercy into a quick, unaccustomed embrace, then wrinkled her nose. “Phew, you stink. You’d better wash your hair before you go to bed.” She turned to her granddaughter. “I’ll be seeing you in the morning, Tedi. Can you be up by seven without waking your mom?”
“Yes, Grandma. I used to do that kind of thing all the time when I lived with Dad.”
“Good for you.” Ivy shot Mercy one more questioning glance, then left.
Tedi pushed back her blankets and scooted up in bed until she was sitting up against her pillows. “Mom, what’s wrong? You look sick.”
Mercy nodded. In a way she was. “I’ll be okay.” She strolled over and took her mother’s place on the side of Tedi’s bed. “What book are you reading?”
“It’s called Another Chance. I got it at the school library. It’s about this teenage girl named Gordy who’s always getting into trouble—a lot like me, except I’m not a teenager yet.”
Mercy couldn’t help smiling at her daughter. “So what happens to Gordy?”
“She goes out to this lake to keep a girl from killing herself, and she makes her boyfriend swear not to tell anybody she’s going, and she won’t let him go with her.”
“And what happens then?”
“Her boyfriend tells on her anyway, and her father and a teacher come out just in time to rescue her from drowning. I’ve already read the book three times. I like it because Gordy’s parents are divorced, like mine. It makes me feel like somebody else knows what I’m going through.” Tedi hesitated. “You know what, Mom? There’s even a place in the book where Gordy thinks her parents are going to get back together, and everything will be the way it used to be. It doesn’t turn out that way. I guess I’m not the only one who thinks about stuff like that.”
Mercy sighed heavily and closed her eyes. “No, you’re not.” Lukas was a dreamer, too. Far too idealistic. And sincere…He really had meant what he’d said about letting God take control. That thought eased some of her anger. It didn’t help with the frustration, but she had to admit that he wouldn’t have lied just to get rid of her. He really was going to miss her, probably as badly as she would miss him.
“Mom?”
Mercy opened her eyes again. “Yes?”
“What do you think about the boyfriend in this book who broke his promise and told on Gordy? Do you think he did the right thing? It saved Gordy’s life.”
Mercy thought about Abner and Delphi Bell. “I’m sure that’s what the writer of the book wanted you to believe.”
Tedi’s eyes widened. “You mean he shouldn’t have said anything?”
“I didn’t say that. My concern is the principle involved. I don’t believe in breaking a confidentiality.” And she felt as if she had done just that yesterday, even though it might well have saved Abner’s life. In retrospect, would she have done the same thing again?
“But what if it would be saving somebody’s life?” Tedi asked.
Yes, Mercy knew she probably would have done the same thing again, because it was a human life, even though it was somebody like Abner Bell. But was she right? “I know there are exceptions to every rule, but when it comes down to breaking promises, then I feel that leads to a breakdown in ethics. When someone feels it’s okay to break a trust, how far will they go?” And look what happened to Delphi. Now she had a police record. Sort of.
Tedi heaved a sigh of obvious exasperation. “But, Mom, it was to save lives. She was doing something she shouldn’t’ve been doing in the first place.”
Mercy echoed the sigh and shook her head. Why did Tedi always choose the worst possible times to introduce a deep philosophical discussion? “Sorry, honey, I’m not up to the subject tonight. Why don’t we sleep on it? Maybe you can read the book to me next week, and then we’ll talk about it.”
“It’s a long book. It’ll take a while.” Tedi sounded disappointed.
“Fine, we’ll do three chapters a night. Surely that won’t be too difficult.” Mercy leaned over and kissed Tedi good-night.
Tedi’s nose wrinkled. “Grandma’s right. You smell like smoke.”
“Good night,” Mercy said firmly.
As she made her way to bed, without washing her hair, she replayed the angry words she’d hurled at Lukas tonight. Where’s all that compassion…where’s that intelligence? And she knew the descriptions were appropriate. Lukas was compassionate and intelligent. He wasn’t some Bible thumper who got carried away with religious emotionalism. He didn’t hear voices in his head. He made good decisions about patient care, and he had always treated her with respect.
She had known him for nearly six months, and she’d never known him to be impulsive. And he was obviously sincere about why he was ending their relationship.
Should she pay more attention to his words?
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Clarence, I don’t know what to do with you.” It was eight o’clock Saturday morning, and Mercy had been awake for over an hour. She leaned on the end rail of her favorite patient’s extra-sturdy hospital bed and pushed the empty breakfast tray toward the door so an aide could collect it wit
hout disturbing them.
“I know one thing you could do,” he growled. “Go away and let me finish my dream.”
“You’ll get your chance. Was it a good dream?”
“Real good. I could see my toes. And I could walk without having to use a cane to help carry the load, and my back didn’t hurt.”
Mercy stifled another yawn. She must have been crazy last night when she thought she could just burrow under the covers and forget everything. She’d fallen asleep sometime after two and had awakened long before Tedi’s alarm clock went off at seven. So here she was on hospital rounds for the day, being glared at by Clarence’s sleep-swollen eyes.
“It’ll happen, Clarence. Give it time. You have to take care of yourself and lose more weight.”
The big man grunted and shook his head. “Do you know how hard it’s been to lose thirty-eight pounds?”
“Sixty-three pounds,” she reminded him.
“Yeah, but you told me twenty-five of that was water, so all I really lost was thirty-eight pounds of fat and probably a bunch of muscle. I thought I was dying. I’ve got two hundred and fifty pounds to go, and I’m so hungry I can’t see straight, even with the drugs I’m taking to keep me from being hungry. And you’ve been telling me that I’ve got to eat even less because my metabolism is slowing down because I’m not getting enough food. It’s crazy! What if my metabolism stops altogether?”
“That will mean you’re dead, and we’re not going to let that happen.”
“I can’t even get out of bed.”
“That will change.” Mercy reached across the rail and picked up the chart that hung on a hook there. Except for complaints from one nurse who couldn’t get a good blood pressure reading because of his size, his numbers looked good. “We don’t want to exercise those parts of your body that are still injured,” she said, “but you can go back to your arm exercises.” She patted the biceps of his right arm. “Lots of weight to lift there. We just want to be careful not to pull any more muscles, or to reinjure the ones that are healing.”
“I just hope I can still walk when I get out of here. And that reminds me, when am I getting out?”
She raised a warning hand. “One thing at a time, Clarence. I’m scared to even let you out of the bed to go to the bathroom yet, and I don’t trust you to go home. My mother wants to help you, but I’ve got to be sure you’re emotionally stable enough to work with her. She can be a tyrant.”
“Oh, yeah? I met her yesterday. She’s not as bossy as you.”
“You just saw her good side. Wait until she gets you alone.”
“I’ve put up with you all summer. I can put up with her.”
“How do you feel about surgery?” Mercy shot back. “We could have your stomach stapled. If you think your pathway to the bathroom is well worn now—”
“Okay, okay, I’ll be good and eat my lettuce leaf and drink my water every day.” His eyes betrayed a spark of humor, then grew serious again. “When’s sis coming home?”
“Soon, we hope.” And that was one reason Mercy hesitated to release Clarence too soon. “Dr. Weathers said he might be able to send her back here Monday or Tuesday, although he doesn’t want her to be alone.”
“Then let me out of—”
“Not so fast, pal. Just let me finish. My mother has promised to clear her schedule to help you and Darlene while you’re both convalescing. Mom’s rounded up some friends at church to help out, but…” Mercy hesitated.
Clarence narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “But what?”
“You’re not going to like this part.”
“What part?”
“I know how independent you are, and this would be hard on you, but I think it would be best for both you and Darlene while you recuperate.”
“What’re you talking about?”
“I don’t want you to refuse immediately. Take some time to—”
“Mercy!” His voice echoed through the room in a low roar.
She grimaced. “Mom wants you and Darlene to stay with her.”
He stared at her for a moment. “You mean, like spend a couple of days there?”
“More than a couple, Clarence. There’s a little apartment at the far end of her house. My grandmother lived in it for a while.” She paused, trying to read Clarence’s expression.
His continued stare veiled his thoughts.
“Mom also has a lot of exercise equipment,” Mercy said. “You can use it as you lose weight.”
“What do you mean? It’s gonna take me a long time to…Oh no, you don’t! I’m not anybody’s permanent houseguest. We can’t just pick everything up and leave our home.”
“Aren’t you forgetting something, Clarence?” Mercy asked quietly. She waited a moment, and she felt his pain when realization dawned in his face. Because of his situation, he had been a permanent houseguest for two years.
“She wants to coach you back into a trim, healthy body. She wants Darlene to join you. With the apartment you would have privacy, but my mother—who prides herself on her healthy cooking and lifestyle—wants to take you on as a challenge. My grandmother lived with her until last spring, and Mom has been taking care of my daughter this summer, but she’s lonely.” Mercy knew she was chattering to ease the awkwardness. It was unusual to have this much contact with a patient, but her heart went out to both Clarence and Darlene. “Would you at least think about it?”
He closed his eyes for a long time, then took a deep breath. “I’m not stupid, Mercy. The setup Darlene and I had wasn’t working. I’ve gotta try something else for her sake.” He opened his eyes and fixed Mercy with a glare. “But we’ll pay our way.”
Battling the shock she felt at this unexpected capitulation, Mercy smiled her first smile of the day. “I wouldn’t expect anything else from you.”
He took another deep breath and changed the subject. “So how’s your love life?”
Tedi drank another cup of Gatorade that some people passed out to walkers from the pickup truck that drove along the country road and kept track of everyone. She had a blister on her right big toe and another one on her left heel, and she was tired. They’d walked four miles, and Grandma just kept walking faster, passing at least half of her fifty million friends, catching up on gossip—although Grandma didn’t call it gossip. She called it concern for your neighbors. After a while, Tedi stopped listening. Grown-up stuff got boring after a couple of hours. And Tedi had other things to think about besides county taxes and hospital finances and suspected arsonists.
Last night, after Mom went to bed, Tedi had called Abby to invite her to the walk this morning. Abby said no. She didn’t even bother to ask her parents. She just refused, which was not like Abby.
She’d been acting so weird lately, getting mad and shouting one minute, then laughing too loudly the next. She’d slapped three other kids in the past two weeks during recess, and Mr. Walters had seen it. He’d called Abby in and talked to her after class one day, but Abby never said anything about it, and Tedi was afraid she’d get slugged, too, if she asked.
Tedi was worried about her, but what was she supposed to do? She couldn’t tell anybody that Abby might hurt herself to keep her parents from fighting. Nobody would believe her. And Mom had said it wasn’t ethical to break a promise.
She should never have promised.
“…saw Dr. Mercy peeling out from his house last night like she was a race-car driver. First time I ever saw somebody lay rubber with a front-wheel drive. Dr. Bower ran after her down the driveway, but she didn’t even look back. She didn’t see me across the street, either….”
The words of Grandma’s chatterbox friend suddenly registered. Tedi looked up and saw Grandma’s suddenly grim expression.
“So you’re saying my daughter seemed upset,” Grandma said quietly.
“That’s the understatement of the month!” her friend replied. “It sounds like Dr. Mercy and Dr. Bower broke up. Hope it doesn’t put Dr. Mercy in a bad mood, ’cause I’ve got an appointment wit
h her Monday.”
Tedi stared up at the woman in shock. Mom and Lukas broke up? That’s what Mom was so upset about last night?
How horrible! They couldn’t break up! Mom was in love with Lukas.
“You know what this could mean, don’t you?” the friend said. “A family reconciliation. It’s biblical, and now that the ex has straightened out his life…”
Grandma walked faster, and Tedi had to hustle to keep up. They left the one gossipy friend behind and in a few minutes joined Dr. Hugh Heagerty, the retired doc that Grandma liked.
Tedi sighed. “Here we go again,” she muttered under her breath. This was why she always hated going to town with Mom or Grandma. They knew everyone in Knolls, and every time they stepped out of their house, it seemed, they ran into one of their friends—no, make that fifteen of their friends, one at a time. And, of course, they had to “catch up” on news. Tedi was moving to another state when she grew up.
While Dr. Heagerty and Grandma talked, Tedi thought about last night. Mom had been really upset about something. And all I could do was tell her about my stupid book and ask stupid questions about breaking promises.
How could this happen? Mom and Lukas never fought. Even when they argued about something, they never got mad. Tedi would know, because she’d listened to Mom and Dad fight plenty of times. Mom was always in a good mood when Lukas was around. So was Tedi. Lukas had helped Tedi put up a rope swing this summer under Grandma’s big tree in the backyard, and even though the rope came untied three times while Lukas tested it, he finally got it right.
And Lukas never got mad and shouted or threatened the way Dad used to.
Lukas was also the one who had introduced Dad to Jesus. Dad said so himself.
Grandma and Dr. Heagerty caught up with three more walkers. To Tedi’s relief the pace slowed. These were more friends of Grandma’s, and the same old routine began that Tedi had witnessed at least a dozen times already this morning, with at least two and sometimes three people talking at once.
“…haven’t seen you in weeks. Where are you hiding out?”
Solemn Oath Page 29
