I WAS ON the track in my production car.
In my own element again.
There was no needing to get a feel for this car; she was an extension of my body. The smallest flick of my wrist and she responded exactly as I needed her to. She was perfect and the track ahead was clear.
The next corner led me to a fork in the track. To the left the path was clear. Easy and straight. There wasn’t a single curve in the road. The other path spiked off and was filled with twists and turns. My head told me to take the easy path. It was the fastest way to the podium.
The smart choice.
But my gaze turned to the other. That way would take longer, and leave me far more likely to crash into the walls. It was scary. Unknown. But something told me it would be fun to throw my car around those corners. Without thought, I twisted the wheel to take the path I shouldn’t have wanted to take.
“Relax, darlin’.” Beau’s voice echoed in my mind as I twisted the wheel that way. “Ya gotta find the sweet spot. Find your rhythm.”
The instant he said the words, the scene changed. It was no longer just me and my car—me in control of my own destiny. Instead, I was in bed and Beau was above me. His breath was choppy as his body moved within mine.
“Find your rhythm, darlin’,” he murmured again before kissing me hard.
I woke with a burn between my thighs I wasn’t able to quell. My breath was short, nothing more than shallow panting as I struggled to tuck my libido away. It was the fourth time I’d woken from similar dreams in as many hours. The battle between Beau and Xavier—between what my heart wanted and what I knew was good for me—didn’t seem likely to end anytime soon, so I threw off the blankets and climbed from the bed.
Knowing that even if I tried, I’d be unable to sleep again because of the mess in my head, I got dressed and headed down to the jetty. When I reached the end of the path through the forest, I spotted a lonely figure sitting at the end of the concrete runway. Beau.
For a moment, I debated turning away and sneaking back to my room before he spotted me, but I was done running. He was grieving, and most likely hungover, and I wanted to offer him whatever comfort I could without crossing into territory I was better off avoiding for both our sakes.
I didn’t take extra care as I moved toward him, letting my footfalls against the concrete warn him of my approach, but he still startled when I said his name. He lifted his hand to his eyes and wiped away his tears.
Wordlessly, I sat beside him and took his hand to offer my support. It wasn’t a loving gesture, just a comforting one.
“She used to love it out here,” he murmured.
There was nothing I could say to help him through his grief, so I just held his hand and rested my head on his shoulder.
“I can’t believe I gotta say goodbye to her today.”
I drew our joined hands into my lap and wrapped the fingers of my other hand around his arm. “It’s not goodbye. Not really. She’ll always be with you so long as you remember her.”
“I still ain’t ready.”
“No one expects you to be. I don’t think there’s a single person here that would think less of you for falling apart after being so strong for so many years.” Despite my words, I was almost positive that he’d never show this vulnerability to anyone else. It was his ease with me that allowed him to do it. That same ease—that emotion—was what was making him beg me to reconsider when I’d said no to a second chance.
“Will ya come with me today?”
I nodded. “If you want me to.”
“Darlin’, I don’t know how much clearer I can make it. I want everythin’.” He sighed. “Anythin’ you’re willing to give.”
“Then, of course, I’ll be there. Although it might be better if I drive myself. No doubt there’ll be paps there, ready to leap on any possible story.”
He nodded his acceptance of my statement, probably knowing it to be true even more than I did.
We sat side by side in silence for almost an hour before my rumbling stomach forced me to my feet to find food.
After finding something simple to eat, I headed back to my hotel room to shower and change, but when I got there, Cassidee was waiting outside for me again.
“You have to stop making a habit of this, or the rumours will start,” I muttered, trying for a joke but not having the conviction, energy, or desire to follow it through.
“So, Beau and you seem like ya might be gettin’ back on track? I saw y’all down at the pier.”
“No, we’re . . . we’re just friends. That’s all.”
“Are ya goin’ with him today?”
“I’ll be there, but considering the press are likely to be hanging around, I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to travel with him.”
She grabbed hold of my forearm. “I wanted you to know that I really am sorry for gettin’ between y’all.”
I waved my free hand to let her know it wasn’t a big deal. Of course, without her on the scene some truths might have come out sooner, but that hardly made anything her fault.
“Yesterday, you were sayin’ ya know what it’s like . . . havin’ a baby, I mean. How? Ya ain’t never had one yourself, have ya?”
“No. I’ve seen Mum go through it four times now though. My littlest sister is just over twelve months old. I helped Mum and Dad with most of the kids when they were babies. And, well, Mum was a single parent until I was four. I know what it was like for her because she’s never shied away from telling me the truth. At least, a version of the truth I could understand at the time. As I grew older, I learned more of the details. I like to think that even if Dad had never come back, Mum and I would have been all right. Our lives would have been very different, but we always would have had each other.”
“Thanks, Phoebe.” She offered me a smile.
“Anytime. If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”
“There’s one other thang. I need some advice. The . . . the baby’s daddy. He don’t know he’s the daddy, and—”
“You should tell him,” I said, cutting her off.
“But I can’t say whether he’d be a good daddy, or whether he’d even want to try. We ain’t ever talked about it.”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. He should have the chance to make that choice himself. My dad—” I tried to get my thoughts straight before they came tumbling out. “He never wanted to be a father. He didn’t think he could do that and follow his dream. But from the moment he met me, he was in love. And he’s the best father I could have ever asked for. I could’ve easily missed out on that relationship if he hadn’t found out when he did. So don’t leave it too late. Don’t wait until your baby has grown up to give the daddy a chance to be involved.”
“Ya wanna know somethin’? I can see why he likes ya. When I first found out how young ya were, I worried he had no clue about what he was getting’ himself into. But you’re actually wise far beyond your years, Phoebe.”
“I don’t know about that. I’ve made some pretty foolish choices over the years.”
“I guess the advantage to that is that you’re still a young’n. There’s plenty o’ time to make up for those mistakes.”
“Yeah. Maybe you’re right. Anyway, I should probably go get ready. Are you heading to the funeral today?”
She nodded and we made a plan to both keep an eye on Beau. We figured if we gave him equal attention and didn’t share any cross words, the paps might see there was no story. Once we’d set our plan, she headed off.
After I’d dressed, I drove myself down to the funeral home. As much as I wanted to go with Beau, to sit at his side and offer whatever quiet comfort I could, I had to be mindful of the cameras. The last thing we needed was the front page screaming about an alleged affair or anything of the like.
By the time the service was finished, Beau looked like he’d been dragged backward through town hanging off the back of his stock car. He’d gotten up to sing, just like he apparently had at Mabel’s ser
vice, but I didn’t recognise the song. He’d managed to get through it, though.
When it was my turn to offer condolences, he took my embrace willingly and returned it with one of his own that lasted just a beat too long to be friendly.
FOR THE next two days, we bumped into each other almost all the time. Little moments. Tiny touches. Each time, I offered what support I could as a friend, and in return he’d ask me if I’d finished thinking. Whenever I went to tell him I hadn’t changed my mind, the words wouldn’t come. Instead, they coated my tongue and constricted my throat. I just couldn’t find that final “no.” I texted once or twice with Angel when she let me know she was home safe, but I couldn’t dump my problems on her. Plus, I knew what her answer would be without even needing to ask the question.
It wasn’t fair to drag him on, but I couldn’t let him go either. The truth was, part of me wanted him. Desperately.
But neither was it fair to dismiss on a whim the couple of months Xavier and I had been together. Not for a relationship comprised of guilt and a bucket of sexual tension. Especially when Xavier had always been so sweet to me.
Sure, he had his old-fashioned ideals and could be a touch jealous at times, but he was still young. From what I’d gathered from our conversations, I was only his second serious girlfriend and his first was back in high school.
Eventually, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. I was needed back in North Carolina for a shoot the following day, and I’d be expected to see Xavier again after that. Before then, I had to have an answer. One way or the other, I had to know who and what I wanted. To make a choice and stick to that conviction, and then to let both Beau and Xavier know my choice sooner rather than later. I owed it to myself, and to everyone involved. Especially to Xavier, who was still blissfully unaware there was even a debate raging in my mind.
To ensure I made a smart choice, I locked myself in my hotel room instead of heading down to dinner. I put on my favourite sleep shirt—the one a few sizes too big because it hadn’t always been mine—started my pump-up playlist, closed my eyes, and let myself think—really think—about what I wanted. About who I wanted to be with.
Guilt. Grief. Anger. Hurt. All of it needed to be cast aside if I was going to find an honest answer.
It came to me too fast and too easy.
I kept my eyes screwed shut and tried the process again.
Once more, the answer was obvious and something I couldn’t deny.
There was only one who’d made me rush to his side at the thought he could be hurting. One whose photo had never left my bedside or its place near the photo of my family. One whose shirt comforted me and helped me sleep, even now, long after the familiar scent had left it.
I wanted Beau.
He was all I’d ever wanted. The only one I’d ever loved.
That was why I couldn’t say yes when Beau asked whether I loved Xavier or give Beau the final no. It was why I’d never even been able to say the words to Xavier. I knew what love felt like, and I hadn’t found it with him. I’d wanted to, but what the mind knows is safe and what the heart wants are two different things.
Beau had hurt me, but I’d hurt him too. He’d hurled insults at me, and I’d hurled them right back. I’d lied to him about my feelings because it seemed like the least painful option. I had to wonder what might have been if I’d been honest the first time he asked me if I still loved him after we’d broken up.
None of that mattered anymore. Not now that the truths were all on the table.
What mattered was Beau. Me. Xavier.
Something had to break, and I’d known it would be hard regardless of who I had to let down. With Xavier’s fears of me breaking up with him echoing in my mind, I was certain it would be painful to say a final goodbye to that relationship, but not as much as it would hurt me to not take another chance with Beau.
Hadn’t I said myself that I owed it to Emmanuel to live life to the fullest? That wasn’t going to happen if I was taking the safe path.
With my decision made, and certain, it wouldn’t take much to call Xavier. Explain the truth. And yet it would take more than I had. I wondered whether perhaps it would be better to wait until the following day when I could do it in person, but it seemed unfair to drag out my response to Beau unnecessarily. Or to let Xavier think things between us were still okay when I no longer believed it.
Delaying the inevitable was cruel to them both, and unfair to me.
Knowing what I needed to do, but lacking the courage to do it, I cradled my phone in my hands. For too long, I sat trying to gather my strength. I needed to let Xavier know what was happening. I had to let him know that he wasn’t the one for me. That although I cared for him, I could never love him.
Not like I loved Beau.
Drawing in a bracing breath, I dialled his number, anticipating the worst phone call of my life.
“Hey, Phoebe.” His voice was guarded, but I wasn’t sure whether that was just because our last conversation had been a disaster.
“Hi, Xav.” We need to talk. The words were on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t spit them out.
“What’s up?” His tone was instantly suspicious.
“I—I need to talk to you about tomorrow.” About every day after that.
“What about it? Are we still on for dinner after your shoot?”
“That’s what we needed to talk about. Xav, I—” Find the words. Find the words! “It’s . . . this isn’t working. I think we need a break.”
“A break?”
When he repeated it, it sounded wrong. Almost temporary. There was nothing temporary about the break we needed. “We need to break up.”
“What?”
“I . . . I don’t love you. At least, not the way you deserve to be loved.”
“You don’t . . .” I wanted to hang up the phone as his voice pitched higher and his breaths grew wheezy. “You don’t love me?”
“No.”
“Is it him? Is it Beau?”
“Not really.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. “It’s me. You make me smile, Xav. And I care about you a lot, but I can’t be with you. It’s just not fair to either of us.”
“But I love you, Phoebe.”
Tears pricked my eyes, but it was guilt and not sorrow that ate at me. I’d made the right choice. I just had to see it through to the bitter end. “Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I still want to be friends, and I hope we can be. But I need you to let me go.”
“I’m not good at letting go of the things I love.”
“I’m sorry. I really am. I just can’t pretend anymore. I can’t take the safe road just so I don’t get hurt. That’s not who I am. It’s not who I want to be. I have to be flying around the corners at breakneck speed to be who I’m supposed to be.” I rambled on. The longer the silence stretched on Xavier’s end, the more I rambled. “I can’t be the girl you need, or the one you deserve. I really don’t want to drag this thing out between us.”
“Why couldn’t you just tell me this tomorrow?”
“Because I didn’t think it was fair to leave you with the idea that things were okay between us when they’re not. I don’t want to lie to you, Xavier. I want to still be friends.”
“Friends?”
“Yes.”
“Did you do this now so you can sleep with him?”
His words hit their mark, making my stomach twist. Was that the real reason I’d called Xavier rather than waiting to see him in person? At least on some level? I didn’t have specific plans for it, but I wasn’t taking it off the table. I wanted to see what transpired between Beau and me if there weren’t any barriers in place. “Please don’t torture yourself with questions like that.”
“That ain’t a no.”
“What do you want me to say? Wouldn’t you rather this be about you and me, not me and him?”
“He hurt you, Phoebe. Again and again. You told me all the ways he hurt you, and you’re walking back into his arms?”
<
br /> My tears flowed harder. “Yes.”
“Then you’re everything he said you were when you first got here.” The click of the phone killed me. Although his words hurt, I felt sorrier for him than for myself. The situation wasn’t fair to Xavier. In trying to protect him, I’d dealt him the worst blow of all. I should have waited and spoken to him face-to-face. I should never have tried to convince myself it was for the best to be with him in the first place.
Idiot!
I sat, stunned and breathless. He’d taken the information worse than I had hoped, but even his harsh words weren’t enough to salve my guilt. I was wrecked and felt like shit. My emotions, already hovering on the surface, broke free and wreaked havoc on me. Tears streamed down my cheeks and great sobs tore at my chest. My heart hammered in an odd-timed beat.
No matter how noble my intentions had been at the start, I’d still taken Xavier’s heart and stomped it under my heel. I’d taken everything we could have had and tossed it away just because I was so hung up on Beau.
And Beau on me.
If only things had been different. If only I’d been able to approach it a different way. I’d have never gotten Xavier involved. He wouldn’t have had his heart broken by me.
For a while, I sat. Staring. Unsure what to do next.
There was something—someone—I needed, but I didn’t deserve that yet. It felt like too big a slap in the face of the months Xavier and I had shared to go to Beau so soon. To tell him that I did want him above anything else.
I was certain if I did, Beau would be able to read it on my face instantly.
Single.
Free.
Ready.
Barely minutes had passed. Surely Xavier’s kindness had earned him more than a few moments of grief over the end of our relationship. At least, that’s what I tried to convince myself.
Only, I didn’t grieve. I hated that I’d hurt him, and I hoped we’d be able to get back to friendship one day, but I didn’t feel the need to run to him to soothe his pain. The thought that I’d never kiss him again, never feel him in my arms, wasn’t one that stirred up a flood of emotions. I was numb to him. It was impossible to miss his touch when I had the promise of Beau’s dancing in my mind.
Phobic (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #2) Page 28
