by Colfer, Eoin
The Brill brothers propelled them into the hemisphere.
‘Best of luck,“ said Opal, as the door slid shut. ”Remember, you’re not alone. We’ll be watching you on the cameras.“
The door clanged shut ominously. Seconds later the electronic locking panel began to fizzle, as one of the Brill brothers melted it from the outside. Artemis and Holly were locked in with a bunch of amorous trolls and smelled irresistible to them.
The Temple of Artemis exhibit was a scale model that had been constructed with painstaking accuracy, complete with animatronic humans going about their daily business as they would have been in B.c. Most of the human models had been stripped to the wires by the trolls, but some moved jerkily along their tracks, bringing their gifts to the goddess. Any robot whose path brought them too close to a pack of trolls was pounced on and torn to shreds. It was a grim preview of Artemis and Holly’s own fate.
There was only one food supply. The trolls themselves. Cubs and stragglers were picked off by the bulls and butchered with teeth, claws, and tusks.
The pack leader took the lion’s share, then tossed the carcass to the baying pack. If the trolls were confined here much longer, they would wipe themselves out.
Holly shouldered Artemis roughly to the ground. “Quickly,” she said. “Roll in the mud. Cover yourself, smother the scent.“
Artemis did as he was told, scooping mud over himself with his manacled hands. Any spots he missed were quickly slathered by Holly. He did the same for her. In moments the pair were almost unrecognizable.
Artemis was feeling something he could not remember having felt before: absolute fear. His hands shook, rattling the chains. There was no room in his brain for analytical thought. I can’t, he thought. I can’t do anything.
Holly took charge, dragging him to his feet and propelling him to a cluster of fake merchants’ tents beside a fast-flowing river. They crouched behind the ragged canvas, peering at the trolls through long claw rents in the material. Two animatronic merchants sat on mats before the tents, their baskets brimming with gold and ivory statuettes of the goddess Artemis. Neither model had a head. One of the heads lay in the dust several feet away, its artificial brain poking out through a bite hole.
‘We need to get the cuffs off,“ said Holly urgently.
‘What?“ mumbled Artemis.
Holly shook her manacles in his face. “We need to get these off now! The mud will protect us for a minute, then the trolls will be on our trail. We have to get in the water, and with cuffs on we’ll drown in the current.”
Artemis’s eyes had lost their focus. “The current?”
‘Snap out of it, Artemis,“ Holly hissed into his face. ”Remember your gold? You can’t collect it if you’re dead. The great Artemis Fowl, collapsing at the first sign of trouble.
We’ve been in worse scrapes than this before.“ Not exactly true, but the Mud Boy couldn’t remember, could he?
Artemis composed himself. There was no time for a calming meditation; he would simply have to repress the emotions he was experiencing. Very unhealthy, psychologically speaking, but better than being reduced to chunks of meat between a troll’s teeth.
He studied the cuffs. Some form of ultralight plastic polymer. There was a digit pad in the center, positioned so the wearer could not reach the digits.
‘How many numbers?“ he said.
‘What?“
‘In the code for the cuffs. You are a police officer. Surely you know how many numbers in the code for handcuffs.“
‘Three,“ replied Holly. ”But there are so many possibilities.“
‘Possibilities but not probabilities,“ said Artemis, irritating even when his life was in danger. ”Statistically, thirty-eight percent of humans don’t bother changing the factory code on digital locks. We can only hope that fairies are equally negligent.“
Holly frowned. “Opal is anything but negligent.”
‘Perhaps. But her two little henchfairies might not be as attentive to detail.“
Artemis held out his cuffs to Holly. “Try three zeroes.”
Holly did so, using a thumb. The red light stayed red.
‘Nines. Three nines.“
Again the light stayed red.
Holly quickly tried all ten digits three times. None had any effect.
Artemis sighed. “Very well. Triple digits was a bit too obvious, I suppose.
Are there any other three-digit numbers that are burned into fairy consciousness? Something all fairies would know, and wouldn’t be likely to forget?“
Holly racked her brain. “Nine five one. The Haven area code.“
‘Try it.“
She did. No good.
‘Nine five eight. The Atlantis code.“
Again no good.
‘Those numbers are too regional,“ snapped Artemis. ”What is the one number that every male, female, and infant knows?“
Holly’s eyes widened. “Of course. Of course. Nine zero nine. The police emergency number. It’s on the corner of every billboard under the world.”
Artemis noticed something. The howling had stopped.
The trolls had ceased fighting and were sniffing the air.
The pheromones were in the breeze, drawing the beasts like puppets on strings. In eerie unison, their heads turned toward Holly and Artemis’s hiding place.
Artemis shook his manacles. “Try it quickly.”
Holly did. The light winked green, and the cuffs popped open.
‘Good. Excellent. Now let me do yours.“
Artemis’s fingers paused over the keyboard.
‘I don’t read the fairy language or numerals.“
‘You do. In fact, you are the only human who does,“ said Holly. ”You just don’t remember.
The pad is standard layout. Zero to nine. Left to right.“
‘Nine zero nine,“ muttered Artemis, pressing the appropriate keys. Holly’s cuffs popped on the first try, which was fortunate because there would be no time for a second.
The trolls were coming, loping from the temple’s steps with frightening speed and coordination. They used the weight of their shaggy arms to swing forward, while simultaneously straightening muscular legs. This launch method could take them up to twenty feet in a single bound. The animals landed on their knuckles, swinging their legs underneath for the next jump.
It was an almost petrifying sight. A score of crazed carnivores, jostling their way down a shallow sandy incline. The larger males took the easy way down, charging right through the ravine.
Adolescents and older males stuck to the slopes, wary of casual bites and scything tusks. The trolls crashed through mannequins and scenery, heading straight for the tent. Dreadlocks swung with every step, and eyes glowed red in the half light. They held their heads back so their highest point was their nose.
Noses that were leading them directly to Holly and Artemis. And what was worse, Holly and Artemis could smell the trolls, too.
Holly stuck both pairs of cuffs into her belt. They had charge packs and could be adapted for heat or even weapons, if Holly lived long enough to use them.
‘Okay, Mud Boy. Into the water.“
Artemis did not argue or question; there was no time for that. He could only assume that, like many animals, trolls were not water lovers. He ran toward the river, feeling the ground below his feet vibrate with a hundred feet and fists. The howling had started again too, but it had a more reckless tone, mindless and brutal, as if whatever self-control the trolls had was now gone.
Artemis hustled to catch up to Holly. She was ahead of him, lithe and limber, bending low to scoop up one of the fake plastic logs from a campfire. Artemis did the same, tucking it under his arm. They could be in the water for a long time.
Holly dived in, gracefully arcing through the air before entering the water with barely a splash. Artemis stumbled after her. All this running for one’s life was not what he was built for. His brain was big, but his limbs were slight, which was exactly the opposite o
f what you needed when trolls were at your heels.
The water was lukewarm, yet the mouthful Artemis inadvertently swallowed tasted remarkably sweet.
No pollutants, he supposed, with that small portion of his brain that was still thinking rationally. Something tagged his ankle, slicing through sock and flesh. Then he kicked into the river, and he was clear. A trail of hot blood lingered for a moment, before being whipped away by the current.
Holly was treading water in the center of the river.
Her auburn hair stood up in slick spikes, and her suit crackled to match the background where the mud had been washed off.
‘Are you hurt?“ she asked.
Artemis shook his head. No breath for words.
Holly noticed his ankle, which was trailing behind him.
‘Blood, and I don’t have a drop of magic left to heal you. That blood is almost as bad as pheromones. We have to get out of here.“
On the bank the trolls were literally hopping mad. They head-butted the earth repeatedly, drumming their fists in complex rhythms.
‘Mating ritual,“ explained Holly. ”I think they like us.“
The current was strong out in the center of the river, and drew the pair quickly downstream. The trolls followed along, some hurling small missiles into the water. One clipped Holly’s plastic log, almost dislodging her.
She spat out a mouthful of water. “We need a plan, Artemis. That’s your department. I got us this far.”
‘Oh yes, well done, you,“ said Artemis, having apparently recovered his sense of sarcasm.
He raked wet strands of hair from his eyes and cast around, beyond the melee on the waterline. The temple was huge, throwing an elongated multipronged shadow across the desert area. The interior was wide open, with no obvious shelter from the trolls. The only deserted spot was the temple roof.
‘Can trolls climb?“ he spluttered.
Holly followed his gaze. “Yes, if they have to, like big monkeys. But only if they have to.”
Artemis frowned. “If only I could remember,” he said. “If only I knew what I know.”
Holly kicked over to him, grasping his collar.
They swirled in the white water, bubbles and froth squeezing between their logs.
‘If only is no good, Mud Boy. We need a plan before the filter.“
‘The filter?“
‘This is an artificial river. It’s filtered through a central tank.“
A bulb went on in Artemis’s brain. “A central tank. That’s our way out.”
‘We’ll be killed! I have no idea how long we’ll be underwater.“
Artemis took one last look around, measuring, calculating. “Given the present circumstances, there is no other option.”
Up ahead, the currents began to circle, pulling in any rubbish picked up from the banks. A small whirlpool formed in the middle of the river. The sight of it seemed to calm the trolls. They gave up on the butting and banging, and settled down to watch. Some moved along the bank; these would later prove to be the clever ones.
‘We follow the current,“ shouted Artemis over the hiss. ”We follow it and hope.“
‘That’s it? That’s your brilliant plan?“
Holly’s suit crackled as the water wormed its way into the circuits.
‘It’s not so much a plan as a lifesaving strategy,“ retorted Artemis. He would have said more but the river interrupted him, snatching him away from his elfin companion into the whirlpool.
He felt about as significant as a twig in the face of such power. If he tried to resist the water, it would slap the air from his lungs like a bully slapping his victim. Artemis’s chest was compressed; even when his gasping mouth was above water, he could not force adequate amounts of air into his lungs. His brain was starved of oxygen. He couldn’t think straight. Everything was curved. The swirl of his body, the sweep of the water. White circles on blue ones on green ones. His feet dancing little Mobius strip patterns below his body.
Riverdance. Ha-ha.
Holly was before him, pinioning the two logs between them. A makeshift raft. She shouted something, but it was lost. There was only water now.
Water and confusion.
She held up three fingers. Three seconds.
Then they were going under. Artemis breathed as deeply as his constricted chest would allow. Two fingers now.
Then one.
Artemis and Holly let go of their logs and the current sucked them under like spiders down a drain.
Artemis fought to hold on to his air, but the buffeting water squeezed it from between his lips.
Bubbles spiraled behind them, racing for the surface.
The water was not so deep or dark. But it was fast and would not allow many images to stand still long enough to be identified. Holly’s face flashed past Artemis, but all he could make out were big hazel eyes.
The whirlpool’s funnel grew narrower, forcing Holly and Artemis together. They were swept diagonally down in a flurry of bumping torsos and flapping limbs. They pressed their foreheads together, finding some comfort in each other’s eyes. But it was short lived. Their progress was brutally cut short by a metal grille covering the drainage pipe. They slammed into it, feeling the sharp wire leave indents on their skin.
Holly slapped at the grille, then wormed her fingers through the holes. The grille was shiny and new.
Fresh weld marks dotted its rim. This was new and everything else was old. Koboi!
Something nudged Holly’s arm. An aqua-pod.
It was anchored to the grille by a plastic tie.
Opal’s face filled the small screen sealed inside, and her grin filled most of her face. She was saying something again and again on a short loop. The words were inaudible over the din of sluice and bubble, but the meaning was clear: still beat you again.
Holly grabbed the aqua-pod, ripping it from its tether. The effort threw her from the slipstream into the relatively calm surrounding waters. Her strength was gone, and she had no option but to go where the river led her. Artemis dragged himself from the flat face of the grille, using the last of his oxygen to kick his legs, just twice.
He was free of the whirlpool, floating along after Holly toward a dark mound farther down the river.
Air, he thought with keen desperation, I need to breathe. Not soon. Now. If not now, never.
Artemis broke the surface mouth first. His throat was sucking down air before the water cleared. The first breath came back up, laced with fluid, but the second was clear, and the third. Artemis felt the strength flow back into his limbs like mercury in his veins.
Holly was safe. Lying on a dark island in the river. Her chest heaved like a bellows and the aqua-pod lay beneath her splayed fingers.
‘Uh-uh,“ said Opal Koboi on-screen.
‘So-o-o predictable.“ She said it over and over, until Artemis struggled from the shallow water, climbed on the mound, and found the MUTE button.
‘I am really starting to dislike her,“ he panted.
‘She may come to regret little touches like the underwater television, because it’s things like this that give me the motivation to get out of here.“
Holly sat up, looking around. They were sitting on a mound of rubbish. Artemis guessed that since Opal had welded the grille across the filter pipe, the current had swept everything that the trolls discarded to this shallow spot. A small island of junk in the river bend. There were disembodied robot heads on the heap, along with battered statues and troll remains. Troll skulls with the thick wedge of forehead bone and rotting pelts.
At least those particular trolls could not eat them.
The dangerous trolls that had followed them were working themselves up into a lather again along the banks on both sides. But there was at least twenty feet of six-inch-deep water separating them from the land. They were safe, for the moment.
Artemis felt memories attempting to break through to the surface. He was on the verge of remembering everything, he was certain of it. He sat complete
ly still, willing it to happen. Unconnected images flashed behind his eyes: a mountain of gold, green scaly creatures snorting fireballs, Butler packed in ice. But the images slid from his consciousness like drops of water off a windshield.
Holly sat up. “Anything?”
‘Maybe,“ said Artemis. ”Something. I’m not sure. Everything is happening so fast. I need time to meditate.“
‘We’re out of time,“ said Holly, climbing to the top of the junk pile. Skulls cracked beneath her feet. ”Look.“
