by Anna Cove
My mind was distracted when Jada returned. I didn't notice her in the doorway until she cleared her throat. "Ready?"
"Jada," Dad said. "Show my girl a good time, okay? She needs it."
Panic fluttered across Jada's face, then disappeared with a swallow. She nodded once, her jaw twitching. "I'll do the best I can," she said.
I was going to let her off the hook. I was going to do it. I could find the strength, right? Before that vulnerable smile of hers left me so tattered I wouldn't be able to put myself back together again?
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
JADA
I was going to tell her the truth. I had every intention of telling her, but whenever I came close, I would catch a glance of her serene face or she would smile at me and the words just fell away. We had hiked all the way up to the fire tower at Overlook Mountain, a trip I had found on my phone before entering the hospital, and still I hadn't done it.
"You know," Erika said, just as I was getting up the courage, again. "The mountains always give me such clarity. I mean, how could our problems seem large when you look over an expanse like this?"
Well, when she put it like that...
"Thank you so much for taking me away from the hospital and bringing me up here. This is just what I needed. The air—" Erika dragged in a breath, growing taller.
I couldn't take this joy away from her. With her father in the state he was in and everything to come, this was her moment. One of her only moments of peace. If I told her about the Twitter thing now, about my lies, the moment would end.
She let out the breath on a smile and my Erika returned. "I was going to let you go, you know."
"Let me go where?"
"Out there... without me. This is a lot. You left and didn't come back and I thought maybe you were gone so I was going to absolve you of all responsibility. No drama."
"I wouldn't have left if I didn't have to. Not for so long."
"I know. I convinced myself you weren't comfortable in hospitals. That you wouldn't be able to deal with the hard road ahead."
"That's—"
"Not true. I get it now. Now I see you're exactly what I need. I need someone to take me away from that, to give me joy during hard times. I think you've proven you can do that."
"I—"
"Don't say anything. There's more. I don't know much about you, but I can see you have money, and I also used that as an excuse to break up with you."
I opened my mouth to argue with her.
Erika placed her fingers on my lips. "Hush, please. I'm not going to take your money, so don't even try. But you know what came to me on this mountain? Just now?"
"What?" My fingers moved against her lips.
"We'll find a way. We always find a way. I just... I lost belief in that. But you brought it back." Erika's eyes filled with tears. She rolled her face to the sky. "Oh, my God, look at me, I'm such a sap."
I leaned forward and kissed her and I could taste the salt of her tears and I hated myself more than I hated my father in that moment.
When she pulled away, I shuffled my feet, flattening the long strands of brown grass. This was my opportunity. "I have a way for you that doesn't include me giving you money."
"How?"
"You win the Calver."
"But—"
Now it was my turn to stop her with a quick shake of the head. "I heard you pulled out of the running for the award."
As long as she didn't know about my betrayal... maybe I could still keep it a secret for awhile. Maybe I could still pull this off. Happiness fluttered just out of my grasp like a bird soaring in the thin air.
"How did you hear that?"
"I know someone on the committee. I actually came here to convince you to reconsider. At least to go downstate for the interview."
Erika's face hardened. "I can't leave Dad for that long."
My father had almost killed me for this chance, might have if it hadn't been for Mrs. McNabb. This had to work. "I promise it won't be more than a few hours. The committee is willing to work with you, to see you at night if that works better. The money would help you pay for the operations. It's perfect, really."
Erika frowned. "Why aren't they telling me this?"
"Because they're waiting to hear back from me."
"Do you actually have pull? Have I been secretly dating someone who could win me the award this whole time?"
"No, well, no. Not exactly. Here's the thing. I think you should win the award. This Luisa woman? She's not that great."
"Thanks, but—"
"Do it for your father, for me. You know he wants this for you."
On the mountain, time stood still. The wind rustled through Erika's hair as she stared out. I wished I could read her mind, then tell her what I needed to tell her in the best way possible. Barring that, it was better to hold off. I would tell her all of it after she won the Calver. She needed presence of mind for her interview, and my truth wouldn't provide that.
She nodded once. "I'll do it."
"Great."
"You're beautiful," she said.
"You're brilliant," I said.
I took her hand and tugged her toward me and kissed her, putting everything I had into that moment, into that kiss, like it was the last one we'd ever have.
...
JADA
I'd been a horrible friend for a long time. No, I'd been worse than that. I'd been no friend at all. When Julia came to me with her issues, I'd given her advice and sent her away. I hadn't followed through, hadn't answered or even really registered her texts. Hadn't thought about her except when I had to. And that was the best I had done. Forget my other Smith friends. I'd been so caught up in me me me that I didn't have space for anyone else.
Julia had asked for a video chat with our best friends from Smith sometime last week. The chat was scheduled for tonight. I hadn't answered, but now I yearned to see their faces, if only to be with people who loved me. People who knew me. People who wouldn't judge.
So, back in my hotel room after visiting hours at the hospital, I poured myself a glass of wine and hopped on our scheduled chat.
The moment the page loaded, I couldn't help but smile. Ten years fell away as I imagined us sitting around on our dorm room floor, sharing gossip and boxed wine, drama and smiles. Gorgeous Savannah was here, with her dimples and long blond hair. Billie—with a dark pixie cut—smiled broadly and waved. Alice—looking like a cross between Marilyn Monroe and Lucille Ball—wrestled with her pug on her bed.
I waved, leaning forward. "Hi, ladies. Where's Julia?"
"I don't know. Let me text her," Savannah said, picking up her phone.
In the brief silence that followed, my fears caught up with me. What was I thinking? These people didn't know me. I wasn't the same person at Smith, this conniving, scheming woman. At the time, we'd told each other everything. But everything had been so much simpler back then.
Okay. It was going to be okay. All I had to do was ask questions first and avoid questions from others.
I gulped my wine. "Alice, what's going on in your life?"
She launched into a story about how she had met someone and she was in a long-distance relationship. Savannah jumped in and picked up the other end of the conversation, and just like that the pressure was off.
As they spoke, I thought through my issue. What if I did tell them everything? Would they give me advice? Or judge me? Or do a combination of both? And what was my next step? I knew I had to fix things with my father before he did something truly destructive. But how? Could I do it and keep Erika?
Julia entered the chat a moment later. She wore a hoodie and looked like she hadn't slept for days—probably close to how I looked, too. We exchanged greetings and, somehow, the conversation turned back to me.
"Jada, tell us how your business is going," Savannah said, her image enlarging on the screen as she spoke.
I put down my wine glass and leaned forward. "I'll tell you all about that, but I want to hear about Ju
lia first. How was your trip to Northampton?"
"I sold a book," Julia said, smiling, though none of it reached her eyes.
"Congratulations!" Alice shouted. At her shout, her pug flinched from her side and flopped into her lap.
"That's great," I said. "And what about your lady friend?"
"Lady friend?" Billie asked.
Julia sucked in her bottom lip and rubbed her face with her hand. "I... really... didn't meet anyone."
"What about the librarian?" I asked, remembering a text that had come in somewhere in the chaos of the past couple of days. I knew it was cruel. Based on how she looked, whatever had gone on with the librarian had not ended well. But what could I do?
"Wait, is this the librarian you wanted to bang while we were in school?" Billie asked.
"The very one," I said, feeding into the excitement of the conversation. "Last week, I got a text—"
"Jada, stop. I don't really want to talk about it," Julia said.
"Something happened," I pressed.
"Nothing happened."
I stared at Julia. It was either her or me.
"Let's change the subject," Billie said. "I went camping last week for my birthday."
"I'm sorry, Billie, but I think we really need to keep with this. Look at her," I said.
"Damn it, Jada," Julia said, looking away. "Can't you just give it up? What about Tony? Why don't you tell us about him?"
Why was I doing this? It was like I had tipped over the first domino and the words just fell out one after the other. "I told you to go to Northampton. I'm invested. Come on—"
"I banged her, okay? Well, not exactly. I... oh, God, this is so complicated. We were together, and it was great. And now we're not."
"What happened?" Billie's big eyes and soft gaze filled the screen.
Julia's pain unfolded before us, sharp and raw. Her haunted eyes. Her greasy hair peeking out from under the hood of her sweatshirt. Was this what my pain would be like if Erika found out? We were similar in many ways except one. Julia was stronger than me.
"She wasn't ready for the relationship," she said. "I kind of... well... my next book is about her."
"And she didn't want anyone to know about the two of you?" I asked softly. The picture slid into place. "Jules," I said, but I was speaking to myself, too. "You know that wasn't the right thing to do—to force her to come out, right? She's the one with a husband and children, right?"
"Back off, Jada," Billie said.
"I know," Julia said. "I know it wasn't right. I've already told my publisher it will be fiction and we'll change around the roles. He agreed to those parameters."
"Good," I said, but I was no longer in the conversation. I sat back and drained my wine glass of its contents. The only reason Erika hadn't left me like Julia's librarian had left her was that she didn't know about what I'd done yet. There was no way around it. The day on the mountain had only been a moment. And it was the last of those moments I was going to get.
As if my phone could read my mind, it buzzed with a text from Rosa.
Local news picked up rumors on Erika.
My heart raced. I had to get to Erika before she found out from someone else.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
ERIKA
So this is what love felt like.
In the middle of the hospital, while Dad was about to face some of his most difficult days, I felt like the smile would never fall from my face. Ever since the trip to the mountain earlier in the day, a warm cloud in the center of my stomach spread down to my lady bits and up to my heart. I couldn't wait until the next time I saw Jada, when she would wrap her arms around me and it would all be okay. Even if only for a moment.
A group of doctors entered the room, one older than all the rest, obviously leading the bunch. He held an iPad in his hands and swiped up as he entered. "Who wants to present on this patient?"
"Me! Me! Me!" Three of the younger doctors waved their hands in the air.
"You." The lead doctor pointed to an intern with glasses, who had done none of the hand-waving.
"Okay," the intern said, his hands shaking as he took the iPad. I hoped he wouldn't operate on Dad. "Mark Jones. Congenital heart condition undetected in childhood. Partial repair made after a cardiac episode."
It wasn't anything different from what the doctors had told me earlier, so I put my ears on standby as I imagined what I would do to Jada the next time I saw her. When would that be? Soon, hopefully. We would climb another mountain. I would take her to the most secluded, secretive, sexiest place in the Catskills and make her body sing. Somewhere no one would interrupt us.
Everything would be all right. Dad would survive his surgeries and get better than he'd been in years. Jada would start coming up here on the weekends. I would go down for Christmas because I heard Christmas in New York City was special. We would hold hands and ice skate and I would catch up on all the hit TV shows I'd missed over the years.
Around the ice skating idea, I noticed a girl in the back of the group of interns who kept checking her phone and looking up at me. Checking her phone and looking at me. And her gaze wasn't subtle. It was scrutinizing. Like she was inspecting her car for damage after a deer crashed into the side.
I tilted my head to catch her eye. "What?" I mouthed.
She looked away, cumulus clouds of pink blotting her cheeks. She nibbled her bottom lip, shoving it into her mouth with her fingers like a five-year-old might. She studiously avoided my eyes for the rest of the presentation and turned to leave as soon as she could.
Had she just been shy or nervous about family in the room? I might have thought so, except her gaze kept returning to her phone like she was checking me out against an image.
If it was about the posts with Jimmy and me why would she be embarrassed? Everyone I'd encountered who recognized me from those posts was kind.
I was over-thinking it, but it would bug me if I didn't at least ask her what she saw online. I stood, told Dad I'd be right back, and threaded my way through the students until I reached her. "Hi, I'm Erika Jones."
"I know," the girl said, barely looking back. She hurried on after the group.
"Why were you looking at me like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like you were sorry for me."
"I'm sorry. I wasn't... I mean... I've gotta go."
"Please."
We approached a restricted area. The interns scanned their tags and the girl slid through the door and closed it behind her before I could follow.
I tried to open it, but it wouldn't budge. I slammed my palm against the door.
"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to step away from the door." The voice, a voice that sounded like it came from a man who could easily remove me from the door if he wanted to, sounded from behind me and to the right. It brought me back down from that crazy place to which I had ascended.
What had made me go there? A look? And when I had just been daydreaming about Jada two seconds before and thinking no one could ever ruin anything again? I needed sleep. I needed sleep and yoga and total darkness.
I stepped away from the door. As I turned toward the man who had spoken to me, his face registered recognition, then dropped into blankness as he turned away. Just like the face of the girl.
"I feel for you," he said.
"What?"
"I've been there before."
I felt like I was coming into a conversation halfway through it. "Back up, please. Tell me what you're talking about."
"Check your Twitter account."
"I don't have Twitter."
The man raised his eyes and backed away, putting his hands up. "This is above my pay grade."
It was like dreaming of Jada had opened a portal to an alternate universe where people were just... weird. No one else noticed me or commented when I passed, but then the weirdest part of the night happened.
Jada—the real Jada—stood at the entrance to Dad's room. I stopped, drinking in her stunning beauty. The sho
ck of her dark hair breaking free from a clipped twist at the back of her head. Her body, primly dressed but so damn sensual I could feel her heat from here. A bouquet of colorful flowers spilling over her left arm.
I opened my mouth to call her name, but she turned to me first and I saw the same look on Jada's face as I'd seen on the security guard and the intern. Her face was the only one that delivered the full force of the look. It was pity.
"What's wrong?" I said.
"Is there somewhere we can talk alone?"
"Is Dad..." I rushed toward her, my heart beating in my ears.
"He's fine." Jada shook her head. "I'm sorry to worry you."
It wasn't that I didn't trust her—I just had to see it for myself. I slung around the doorway, my eyes darting to the bed. Dad was asleep, so my eyes went to the monitors next, which displayed a steady rhythmic heartbeat. I shook my head. What was wrong with me?
Then I remembered what Jada had said right before my panic. I swung around and smiled sheepishly. "You weren't supposed to come back tonight."
"I know. We need to talk." Jada wouldn't meet my eyes.
My stomach dropped. "The cafeteria?"
Jada's face remained oddly blank. "Anywhere more private?"
"A supply closet perhaps? You know what happens in those supply closets, right?"
The comment earned me a tepid smile.
"Grey's Anatomy?"
A little laugh now, but there was no force behind it. We started walking down the hallway.
"I love me some Calzona. It's the only show I watch, you know. I thought I would never watch again after... Have you seen the series?"
"Not after the first few seasons."
"Now I have something to add to our TV watchlist."
I don't know if it was the intern or the security guard, or Jada's distraction, but I was babbling with nerves. It wasn't attractive, I knew, but I couldn't help it. I could, however, change the subject. "Dad seems to be responding well to the surgery. He sleeps a lot, but I would sleep a lot if they opened my chest, too."
"That's really great," Jada said.
