by Anna Cove
"I'll pay for the wedding," I said. "Oh, wait. I can't."
"No need, anyway. We're eloping at the town hall in San Francisco." Rosa's mouth pulled up. "It's where we met. When I was buying my house, I had to sign something at the Registry of Deeds. She worked there, I complimented her hair—which was pink at the time—and the rest is history."
"That's amazing." I sat up straighter, putting my hair up into a messy bun to get it out of my face. "I'm truly happy for you, Rosa. I couldn't be happier."
"You could be."
"Not right now. Kenzie seems like a perfect match for you—"
"You barely know her!"
"But I can tell by the way you look at her." In that moment, it felt as if I had been lifted from a jar of Jell-O. I could see and hear and feel things again, though pieces of the Jell-O still stuck to me, dulling some of my senses, it was a step in the right direction. Admitting I was gay had loosened something in me. "You can always see that with people who are in love. Come here, let me give you a hug."
I opened my arms wide and walked on my knees to her.
She gave me a hug, laughing. "My God, woman, you seriously need a shower."
I squeezed her tighter, holding on for longer than we'd ever hugged.
Rosa struggled to get away. "All right, all right already. I've exceeded my maximum hug time by a factor of seven."
After one more squeeze, I released her to her side of the couch and retreated to mine. Sisters. One happy in love, one broken. One successful, one failed. One with a future, and one with a nasty past.
"You have to win her back," Rosa said, breaking my mulling silence.
"Hm?"
"She balanced you. There's a calm about you, even now. Even when your world is falling apart."
"It's called depression."
"No, it's not that," said Rosa, missing the joke. "It's more than that."
"I've done everything I can do. I've fixed all the problems I've caused—the ones I can fix. I've paid for the damages. I've apologized."
"You broke her trust."
"No shit, Sherlock."
"In a big way."
"In a huge way."
"So you're going to have to earn it back, in the biggest way you can think of."
"What's left to do?"
Rosa took her glasses and placed them on top of her head. "Seriously? I have never heard you talk like that in our lives."
I shrugged. "I've never fucked anything up this badly."
"Wasn't it you who said everything can be fixed?"
"That was a more innocent time..."
"No, it was a more conniving time. Now is the time for innocence. You've tried everything you can to fix what you broke in her life, but that's only the first step. You have to show her you have a future."
I felt my hopes rise with her excitement. "You're right. I haven't been thinking about the future. Just the past. I need to do something she won't expect. I need to prove to her she can trust me."
"That's it."
I stood up, glancing around the room. "How long are you going to be around?"
"We took a week off so as long as we can stay with you... a week."
"You're welcome to stay as long as you like, as long as you don't mind the pull-out couch." My mind started rolling with ideas one after the other after the other. Adrenaline pumped in my system, sending me walking around the room. I gathered the wine bottles littering the floor. "But you're also not going to have a vacation."
"It's all good," she said laughing. I went in for a hug again, but she backed away. "First step, take a shower. Then I'll do whatever you want."
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
ERIKA
"You think he'll get off scot-free?" I asked. The court house, no more than a couple of rooms and a hallway with a creaky floor, was just about empty.
The fancy lawyer with his tailored suit gave Jimmy a once-over. "It's only an arraignment, so we won't know right away. According to the kid, the alleged stolen items were not in a space included in the search warrant. The prosecutor will probably drop the case eventually. It would help if the kid settled down a bit, though."
I frowned.
The lawyer placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed briefly. "You did the right thing hiring me."
"I didn't—" My heart skipped as beat as I thought of who did hire him, then I pushed the thought away. I'd spent enough time thinking of her lately. Crying over her. It's like I had opened a floodgate after reading her letter. In fact, it was a miracle my eyes were dry right now. "Thanks."
The lawyer returned to his notes and I decided to help in the best way I could, by seeing if I could get Jimmy to relax. As I approached, his hand flew to his mouth and he started chewing his nails. He wore a suit that was too big for him and his hair was slicked back in a way that made him almost unrecognizable. He still wore his gauges, the only thing resembling his real look.
He bounced his knee. "I can't live like my parents."
I sat next to him. "You don't have to."
"They've been in and out of jail my whole life. Did you know my father was only locked away for a few speeding tickets he couldn't pay? He got into drugs in prison."
"I didn't know that," I said softly. I placed a hand on his knee. "Jimmy, I'm going to teach you how to relax."
"Got some weed?"
"No."
"No way I'm relaxing then. This place freaks me out."
"You're going to have to if you want to get out of this."
Jimmy stopped bouncing and stared at me with that blank open face of a trusting child. Trust. Such a tenuous connection between people, and so easily broken. I wouldn't break his. I would get him out of this.
"I know you're scared," I said. "I am, too. Here's what we're going to do together."
I stopped, waiting to sense the moment he was ready to receive my information. As I waited, the courthouse hall narrowed to just the space between Jimmy and me. All the extra stuff, the job applications, all of that, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I could help Jimmy now. He calmed and focused on my face.
"Every time you feel that bundle of nerves balling up in your chest, you're going to let it out of your mouth and breathe out until you can't any longer. Focus on your breathing—take air in and let it out. That's your only mission. Do you accept it?"
Jimmy nodded.
"Pull back your shoulders and it'll be easier. See?"
Jimmy did as I asked, and I could see the anxiety dropping away from him.
"Nerves are good. They tell us when we're about to do something important and hard, but they don't have to control you. If you forget in there... I'll be on the other side. Look at me, okay?"
The lawyer stood and put a hand on Jimmy's shoulder. "Time to go."
I winked. "You're going to rock it, kid."
Then Jimmy surprised me. He lunged forward and wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me off the ground. "You're rad, Erika Jones. You need to spread that to the world. They need to know the real you."
A laugh escaped my lips. "Put me down."
He set me down on the ground, smiling. "Seriously. Thanks for everything you've done."
"I'm sorry I got you into this situation."
"You didn't. I dug my own hole. It would have eventually happened, and now I have you."
My eyes clouded with tears. He was right. Nothing I did would have prevented this moment, and it took a kid to remind me of that. The seed of an idea started to work into the soil of my mind. Something I had been too chicken to consider before this.
It was a path forward for myself, independent of anyone.
...
Dad followed me outside, crossing more ground than he had in years before his surgery. He had lost weight and the bruised look around his chin, and he made it to the door without so much as an extra puff of breath. At the stairs, he eased his way down to sit.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"I'm sorry I woke you." I shifted the bag on my
shoulder. "I was hoping to get out and back before you got up."
"You've been leaving at sunrise every day for weeks and returning for breakfast like I wouldn't notice you were gone. What have you been up to?" He leaned back against the aluminum siding of the trailer.
"I'm working on a project."
"CIA?"
"No."
"KGB?"
"No, Dad!"
"SNA?"
"What's SNA?"
"I don't know. I thought I'd throw some letters in there and see if it meant anything to you. It's a better guess than anything I've got in mind."
His booming laugh sent joy through me, deep enough to rumble in my stomach. His strength was returning.
"Do you have a secret lover?"
My eyebrow shot straight up.
"Too soon."
"Yeah, a bit. I don't think I'm going to have any of those for a while."
"That's too bad," Dad said. "You know, your mother had a good reason to leave."
I froze, careful not to move even a muscle. Where had this come from? I had asked Dad why Mom left for years and every time he would make a new joke. I farted in bed and the smell was so bad she could never look at me again. It was because of this mole. She stepped on a straw and it was the last straw. Every time he gave me a new joke it grew worse.
"I was seeing someone else," he said.
I dropped my bag to the ground by my side. "No. It was her. She married her doctor so quickly. They had to have been seeing... each other..."
Dad was shaking his head. "I let you think that all these years because I wanted you to love me."
"I did love you. I do love you. There's nothing you can say to me right now that would make me love you less."
Dad sucked in a breath through his nose, holding it for a moment. "I cheated on your mother. I was in love with another woman, or I thought I was. Really, I was just stupid. I missed the thrill of the chase and didn't value the stability of our marriage.
"I thought you got sick and she couldn't handle it."
"She couldn't handle looking at me because she knew I was in love with another woman. I got sick later. Karma."
I squeezed my eyes shut. None of this made sense. Dust fell from the carefully constructed shrine I'd built for my father in my head over the years. "Who was she?"
"That's the ironic part. The woman I went after for the chase? She wanted me for the illicit part of the affair. Once she had me all to herself, it turns out she loved only the secretive part. She was gone within a month of your mother leaving."
"That's not what I asked. Who was she?"
"It doesn't matter. She wasn't your mother, and I hurt your mother deeply for a woman I couldn't trust in the one thing that mattered."
"Why are you telling me this now?"
"Have you written Jada back?"
"I've..." After Dad's revelation it seemed disingenuous to lie to him. "No. I've tried a few times, but every time it's either too cold or too... I don't know. I don't want to sound pathetic."
He nodded like a sage. I'd thought I'd come to know everything about him. I'd not only grown up with him as a child, but now I'd lived with him for years and years beyond that. He had never told me the real reason my mother left.
"Here's the thing. This woman, Jada? The love? That wasn't a lie. She never lied about that, did she?"
"I'm not... I don't know. She lied about everything else."
"And then tried to fix it."
"That's what she does, Dad. She fixes things. She can't help it. She didn't even consult me on whether or not I wanted these things to be fixed."
Dad tilted his head in the way he always did when he was disappointed in me. "I didn't teach you to be ungrateful, E."
"No, but you taught me to be independent. Which is why I'm starting my own business."
It was a weak attempt at changing the subject. Dad responded by raising his eyebrows. "Doing what?"
"Yoga in Nature. I'm starting my own YouTube channel."
"That's beautiful."
"I want to help people find their peace."
"Sounds like a perfect job for you."
"But..."
"No buts." Dad reached up for the railing and pulled himself to a standing position. "Except you may want to extend some of that peace to someone who truly loves you. In my experience, that kind of love doesn't come every day."
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
JADA
For this to work, everything had to be perfect and no one could tell Erika what was going on. I'd had precisely three days to make it all fall into place. No pressure. Right? It was actually helpful because staying busy prevented me from thinking about my father in jail. It kept me from checking his voicemails and opening the emails from his lawyer. He was toxic, and we were done. It also kept me from thinking too much about a future without Erika.
Rosa and Kenzie were hugely helpful in making the whole plan come together. While I was running around trying to get the people in place, they were doing the legwork on the actual venue, and Rosa was working overtime to rehab Erika's image online.
Day one we spent in the city.
Day two, we moved our operations up to the mountains.
Today was day three, and I couldn't have been more nervous. I had rented out Lucille's, the restaurant where Erika and I had our first date. I'd convinced them to put up outdoor heaters so people who wanted could enjoy the view. I'd visited all the people I'd needed to and somehow coaxed even the most reticent into coming to the party.
On the day of, the hours ticked by and I kept checking off the items on my to-do list. With single-minded focus, I managed to achieve in one day what would have once taken me three. A future as an emergency party planner seemed like an option, especially since my days as a psychotherapist were numbered after this stunt.
The party would start in one hour and it could go one of three ways. It could be a total bust. I could pull all of it off and Erika could still walk out on me. Or Erika would hear what I had to say and she would forgive me and we would build a real relationship together. Me—Luisa Jada—and her—Erika.
I went through the checklist in my head. I was finished.
There was nothing left to do. The rest was up to everyone else. Once I might have tried to control it, but I couldn't pull this off alone.
I went outside onto the empty pavilion and watched as a single hawk soared over the trees. Alone. But calm.
...
ERIKA
"Are you certain you're well enough to go out?"
"I've wasted enough time in this house—I'm not going to waste another minute on Jeopardy."
"Don't worry, Erika, I've got him." Bob, one of Dad's buddies, winked at me. He had to be nearly seven feet tall and he held Dad's shoulder as he walked down the steps. "We're just going to the bowling alley for a round of pool. Promise to have him back at a decent hour."
Though I'd often felt like a parent to my father, it struck me as the oddest thing now. Like I was watching my teenage son go off to school. What a weird thought. I smiled at it and shook my head, waving my hand. "Stay safe, you two. And no drinking!"
"Yeah, yeah," Dad said.
This retort only added to the odd feeling. I crossed my arms over my chest and shivered.
Dad stopped on the passenger side of the truck. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"I'm just going to stay here and work on my website."
"Okay, then, don't work too hard!" Dad held the top of the truck and slid inside. The way Bob watched him, stood behind him, jolly yet watchful, made me feel better. Dad was in safe hands, possibly safer than mine.
As they drove away, I felt a pang of loneliness. The house was quiet, just like it had been those torturous days Dad was at the hospital. It sent shivers down my spine, though I knew Dad was just fine and actually having a good time.
It was a Friday night and town would be hopping. I couldn't stomach going out into the world, seeing people I might know. Seeing their faces. A
fter all the accusations online, people still looked at me like I might steal their wallet. It was easier to stay inside when they weren't looking. I poured a glass of orange juice and tossed it back. As I set the glass down, I heard tires crunching on the sand outside the trailer.
Knocking came a few moments later.
I crossed to the door and opened it to find Meredith standing outside. She bounced on her toes. "It's freezing out here."
"Indeed." I moved out onto the top step and pulled the door shut behind me. Not once in all the time Meredith and I dated had she come to my house. She hadn't made an appearance since that time in the restaurant either. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to apologize for the other night."
"Oh," I said.
"Oh? I just gave you an apology."
I frowned, too tired to deal with Mer-drama tonight. "Listen, I've got a lot to do. What do you want?"
Meredith bounced and blew out a puff of mist in the cool air. "I saw what happened to you on Twitter. It's ridiculous."
"And... what? You want to add to it somehow?"
"No. I—I wanted to see if... please can I come inside?"
I knew what would happen if she came inside. She would apologize, we would start making out. The clothes would come off, and she would disappear into that land where I didn't exist.
"Are you still with that woman?" she asked.
"No," I looked away, my heart aching.
"I see." Her eyes narrowed.
"I see, too." I really did this time. I saw all the times I'd accepted her after one of these break-ups. All the times I'd bent myself in half for her. She might have been using me, but I let her. "I have to go," I said.
"Wait, Erika, please. You're just going to leave me out here?"
I turned and smiled at her. "Thanks for everything, Meredith. Truly."
"For what?"
"For showing me I do have some sense of self-worth. You tested me and I didn't give in and I'm really proud of myself for that."
