Gregory sighed heavily.
He didn’t want to have this same argument while he was driving, so he pulled over onto a quiet road just before they reached the lane that led to Kelan’s ranch. When he switched off the engine, he reached out and took hold of Hayden’s hand.
It felt small in his but fit perfectly nonetheless.
“You know there’s nothing you can’t tell me, right? There is not a single thing you could say that could make me think any less of you if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Hayden snorted. “That’s bullshit. I could tell you a ton of things that would not only make you think less of me—they would make you hate me.”
“No, Hayden, you’re wrong.”
“Am I? Do you know what I did to survive when my parents kicked me out, huh? Do you want me to tell you?”
The anger radiating from Hayden crackled in the air between them.
“Fine! If you want to know so goddamn much, I’ll tell you exactly what I did. I—”
“Hayden—” Gregory interrupted.
“Sold m—”
“Hayden!”
Gregory’s voice boomed out in the enclosed space and Hayden snapped his mouth shut.
“I know.” Gregory lowered his voice and stared into Hayden’s eyes. “I know what you did.”
“What? How do you know?”
“Your records at the council. I read them before I came to Vegas to pick you up. They said you’d been arrested twice for prostitution.”
Hayden’s gaze fell to his lap and his cheeks filled with color.
He frowned and shook his head.
“And you still want me?”
Gregory sighed. “You did what you had to do to survive. I don’t blame you for that. But it’s in the past. It’s not who you are today.”
A tear escaped Hayden’s eye and trickled down the line of his scar.
Gregory wiped it away with his thumb then leaned over and pressed his lips gently to the spot. Hayden gasped and tried to move his head but Gregory wouldn’t let him. He grabbed it firmly and trailed his lips from the top of the scar, just below his eye, to the bottom, above his lips.
A low moan tore from Hayden’s chest and he turned his head so that their mouths pressed together lightly.
“I don’t deserve you,” Hayden said against his lips.
“You deserve far more than I can ever give you,” Gregory replied. “But I promise I’ll try to give you everything you could ever want.”
Hayden started crying in earnest then, great heaving sobs that wouldn’t seem to abate. Gregory wrapped him in his arms and held him, rocking him gently until he’d cried the last of his tears and finally grew quiet. Gregory pulled back to take a look at his mate’s face and the pain and guilt all present brought a lump to his throat.
When Hayden next met his gaze he looked resigned.
“I need to tell you,” he whispered.
His voice, though quiet, was rough and raw with emotion.
“I can’t hide it anymore. I have to tell you the truth. I’ll understand if you never want anything to do with me again.”
Gregory held the back of Hayden’s head and looked him square in the eyes. “You can tell me. I promise I won’t judge you. There’s nothing you could say that would make me want to give you up.”
Hayden opened his mouth several times before he finally found the courage to speak.
“I’m a murderer,” he said at last. “I’ve killed people.”
Chapter Eleven
Taking in a steadying breath, Hayden kept his eyes on Gregory’s face even though he was terrified of the reproach and rejection he might see there.
He should have known better.
Gregory didn’t even flinch.
He gently stroked the back of Hayden’s head, sending shivers down his spine. There was no accusation in Gregory’s eyes, only curiosity.
“I might not have known you for very long, but I’ve known you long enough to get a good measure of your character.
“I don’t believe you would have done something like that except in self-defense. Is that what happened? Did someone try to hurt you?”
Hayden’s voice sounded distant when he next spoke. “Yes.”
Gregory sighed and kept up the soothing strokes to the back of his head.
“Is that what you’ve been keeping inside for so long? The reason you won’t shift. Is it out of guilt?”
Hayden’s first instinct was to protest but he’d come this far and knew he had to go on. “Yes, in part.”
“Tell me what happened?”
Hayden nodded.
Gregory knew what he’d done now—all that remained were the details.
Hayden had never told his secret to another living soul, and although it had been difficult to say the words, it was a relief to finally get them off his chest. He didn’t want Gregory’s pity, he didn’t want absolution. He just needed to be able to share the burden of his secret, which had become too heavy for him to carry alone.
“About three years ago, I was drifting aimlessly, moving around from place to place just trying to survive. I never spent longer than a week or so in each town or city back then.
“I preferred to spend time in cities because, with a larger amount of people, it was easier to get lost in a crowd.
“I’d spent some time out east, but I care for it much there so I was making my way back to California when I got a lift to Des Moines with a trucker.”
“What was his name?”
“Ramon,” Hayden managed to say. “Ramon Lopez.”
Gregory stroked Hayden’s face with a whisper-light caress and, for the first time, Hayden didn’t flinch when Gregory’s fingers ghosted over his scar. He barely noticed—too lost in the painful memory.
Hayden drew in a shuddering breath and continued.
“Ramon said he was picking up a load the next day and that he could take me as far as Denver. I’d traveled with him from Indianapolis, and I didn’t like him. There was something…off about him, but I couldn’t work out what it was.
“He was quiet for the most part, but his eyes were black as night and when he trained them on me, they left me feeling cold. I was pretty desperate to get back to Independence, though, so I said I’d go with him.”
“Independence?” Gregory questioned.
Hayden attempted a wobbly smile. “I’d spent some time there. I used to shift and hunt in Kings Canyon, but I never made it there.”
Tears slid down Hayden’s face, but he didn’t acknowledge them.
Gregory leaned in and pressed a kiss over his scar and Hayden couldn’t help flinching in response. It was an involuntary action that would no doubt take a long time to overcome.
If Gregory noticed, he didn’t acknowledge it.
“If this is too difficult for you, you can tell me another time,” he offered.
“It’s okay,” Hayden shook his head. “I’d rather get it over with.”
Gregory nodded. “If you’re sure.”
“I left him that night so I could shift and hunt then met up with him the next morning. We headed south to Kansas City, which I thought was an odd direction to take but he said the I-70 was a better road to travel on than the I-80.
“I didn’t know anything about roads so I went along with it. Not like there was much I could have said anyway—he was the one driving.
“Anyway, we got to Kansas City, and when we pulled up in the truck stop Ramon said he needed to call a friend and to wait for him outside the store.
“When he came back there was an even darker glint in his eyes and his mood had changed. He seemed, I don’t know, excited, I guess. He said he hadn’t seen his friend in a while and that he was going to meet up with us so we could grab a drink together.
“I’d told him my age, but he said he knew a bar where the owner wouldn’t ask any questions and he’d buy me a couple of beers. I didn’t like the idea all that much but I didn’t have anything better to do so I agreed to
go with him.
“His friend showed up and he seemed okay, at first. His name was Mario, but I didn’t catch his last name. To be honest I didn’t have any feelings about him one way or another.
“We went in his car. I thought we were going straight to the bar, but Mario said he needed to stop at his house because he’d come straight from work and wanted to grab a shower and change his clothes.”
Gregory raised his eyebrows and Hayden nodded.
“I know. I can’t believe I was so stupid—so naive. As soon as we got inside the house, I knew something was up. It was obvious then that they’d planned it all along.
“Mario started making comments about me to Ramon like he thought I was pretty and that he’d always liked twinks. The comments were harmless enough at first but they started to get lewder.
“He said he hadn’t been laid in ages and maybe I’d like to help him out.”
“Why didn’t you leave?” Gregory asked. “As soon as you became suspicious?”
Hayden hung his head. “By the time I realized what they had planned, it was too late. I started backing out of the room, but Ramon blocked the door and then Mario pulled a gun out of the drawer and pointed it at me.
“I guess I could have still run—I mean, I knew if I got shot, chances were I’d heal from it—but it took me by surprise and it all happened so fast. The next thing I knew Ramon hit me over the head with something.
“It must have knocked me out because I don’t remember anything after that except waking up in a chair with my hands tied behind my back.”
“Oh, God,” Gregory breathed.
He took hold of Hayden’s hand again and held it firmly in his. Hayden could sense the suppressed rage inside Gregory. His hand trembled violently, his jaw set tight. Hayden wished there was something he could say to help Gregory’s unease, but he didn’t even know how to help himself so he plowed on.
“Mario had a knife and he waved it about while he and Ramon talked. It was all stuff like how they had a real pretty one this time, even if I was a lot older than they usually liked.”
“You were, what, just turned eighteen?”
Hayden shook his head. “Seventeen. Hadn’t had my birthday yet.”
A low snarl tore from Gregory’s throat and Hayden’s hand was squeezed in an iron grip.
“Ramon started groping me through my jeans while Mario rubbed his own cock. He was hard, they both were. He used his other hand to trail the knife down my face but he didn’t cut me, not yet.
“I was out of mind scared, but the more I whimpered and pleaded with them to let me go, the more they seemed to get off on it. By then I knew what they had in mind. They made it pretty clear that they were going to rape me and then kill me afterward.
“They even said they’d done it before. They were really cocky about it, actually, about how easy it had been to get away with because they always chose kids that no one gave a shit about. Kids who wouldn’t be missed.”
A single tear fell down Gregory’s face but Hayden didn’t have the energy to lift his hand to brush it away.
“I was so scared that my eyes and teeth shifted before I could stop them. It frightened them—they’d obviously never come into contact with a shifter before. They started shouting at me, calling me a freak.
“I guess I lost it after that, got pretty vicious. Ramon grabbed the knife from Mario and said ‘Let’s just kill the freak.’ I fought against the ropes but I couldn’t get loose in time and he stabbed me.”
Gregory sucked in a sharp breath. “Oh God. Where?”
Hayden let go of Gregory’s hand and lifted his shirt to reveal the small pink scar on his stomach. It had lightened over the years to a pale shade of pink but it hadn’t disappeared entirely. Gregory reached out with tentative fingers and stroked them over the raised skin.
The light touch made the scar tingle.
“What did you do then?” Gregory asked.
Lowering his top, Hayden sighed and continued his story.
“I shifted my hands into claws and managed to slice through the ropes that were tied around my wrists. Everything after that is blurry. We were all shouting and fighting.
“Mario had the gun again. I made a grab for it and wrestled it out of his hand but Ramon came for me with the knife. He tried to stab me in the chest but I managed to get out of the way and he stabbed Mario instead.”
“Did he kill him?”
“I didn’t know right away. Ramon and I fought and during the struggle that’s when he cut my face. The blade was so close to my eye I was sure I was going to lose it. I think that’s what he was aiming for, but he missed.
Well, as you can see, my face got cut pretty bad.”
As he spoke, Hayden remembered the white-hot sting of the cut, remembered his blood creating an ever-expanding patch on the front of his shirt. Gregory’s hand came up to cup his face and stroke him gently across his cheek.
“We were wrestling on the floor when the gun went off. Mario was still alive. I think the shot was meant as a warning to break us apart because he was afraid he might hit his friend, but Ramon didn’t stop fighting—he kept coming for me with the knife and I lashed out.
“I caught his throat with my claws. They sliced deep and I knew as soon as I’d done it that he wouldn’t heal from it. There was no way. The wounds were too deep and he was losing so much blood.
“But I was practically crazy with rage by that point and I didn’t even care that he might die. I was glad. I wanted him dead. I wanted them both dead. I pushed Ramon off me.
“Mario screamed and wailed and shouted when he saw what I’d done and he turned the gun on me again. I didn’t stop to think. I lunged for him and slashed him across the face, just like Ramon had done to me with the knife.
“But that didn’t stop him. He kept pushing and pushing, struggling for all he was worth as I tried to get the gun off him. And then it went off again and he fell backward.
“While we’d struggled, I must have somehow managed to turn the gun around and it went off, hit him in the chest. It killed him—I killed him. I sat there for a couple of minutes, in shock I guess.
“When I finally got up and went to check on Ramon, he was dead, too. He’d bled out from his injuries.”
When he’d finally finished speaking, Hayden slumped forward in his seat. Reliving the painful memory he’d spent three years trying to forget made him feel weak and tired right through to his bones.
“No one would blame you for what you did, Hayden. Those men would have killed you. It was self-defense.”
Hayden shook his head. “Don’t you get it? I was glad. I was happy they were dead!”
A low hiss tore from Gregory’s throat. “I’m happy they’re dead, too. Because it means you’re alive. They were rapists and murderers. Of children. God only knows how many other young boys you saved that day.
“They wouldn’t have stopped, Hayden. Men like that never stop—at least, not until someone stops them.”
Hayden heaved a sigh. “I was so scared I was going to get caught, so I ran. My shirt was soaked through with blood, so I took one of Mario’s and then I…”
He lowered his head and took a deep breath.
“I stole the money they had in their wallets so I could get out of the city and I ran. It was still light outside and Mario lived in a busy neighborhood so I couldn’t change into my cat form. And people must have heard the shots...
“I just ran, and ran, and kept on running until I’d made it out of Kansas City. I had to stop eventually, of course. I was tired and still bleeding, even though the stab wound in my stomach and the gash on my face had begun to heal.
“I knew they wouldn’t heal properly until I shifted, but I was so angry and upset and disgusted with myself for what I’d done, I was too scared to shift.
“I was afraid to set my cat free, afraid that he would be wild, infuriated. I was afraid of what might happen. What if I’d hurt someone else because I was so angry I couldn’t control mys
elf? So I didn’t shift.”
“What did you do when you got out of the city?”
“I caught a bus, but I didn’t go to California as planned. I left Kansas, went south to Oklahoma, and then made my way across to New Mexico.
“I spent some time in Arizona then after a year of struggling to get by begging and…well, you know about the rest. The next obvious place was Las Vegas.”
“And you still didn’t shift?”
Hayden shook his head. “No. The knife wound in my stomach had closed up and the slash on my face had healed to the scar you see now. But by then, I’d left it so long I figured my cat would be angry at me for keeping him contained for so long.
“It was like a catch-22 or a vicious circle. The longer I left it, the harder it became. Besides, I didn’t want the scar on my face to heal, not really, because it was a reminder of what happened.
“It was a reminder of the things I’m capable of. I never want to forget—I don’t want to become complacent. I can’t afford to forget, Gregory, because what if I do then something like that happens again?
“I know they were bad men and maybe they deserved punishment for what they’d done, but I killed them! I took away their lives. I don’t ever want to forget that.”
Gregory leaned closer and wrapped his arms around Hayden, pulling him into his chest and holding him tight.
“You don’t have to forget,” Gregory whispered against the side of his head. “But you do have to forgive yourself. It’s time for you to let go, time for you to start living again.”
“I wish I could,” Hayden said softly. “But I don’t know how.”
Chapter Twelve
Gregory pulled his car into the dirt drive of the Crazy Horse and killed the engine.
He’d spent the last half hour holding his mate, trying to comfort and reassure him. He understood how difficult it must have been for Hayden to disclose his secret, but he didn’t blame him in the least. It had been self-defense, pure and simple, and under the same circumstances, Gregory would have done the exact same thing.
It made him angry to think about what had nearly happened to Hayden, but all the more determined to ensure his mate never be put in a dangerous situation like that again, even if it meant lying to the council and putting his own life in jeopardy.
Gregory's Rebellion (2019 Reissue) Page 7
