by Jeff Strand
All of the bad guys were dead.
I didn't feel a lot better, but I felt a little better, and I'd take that as a win.
* * *
I gathered Abigail up and took her outside. We'd never discussed whether we wanted to be buried or cremated. I assumed that she was the kind of person who'd want to be cremated and have her ashes scattered in a place that held special memories.
Obviously, you can't completely cremate somebody when all you have is lighter fluid and a pack of matches. I did the best I could. Got some ashes out of it. The rest of her I carried deep into the forest—a pretty part, with flowers that she'd like—and covered with brush.
As I gazed at her grave, I couldn't think of how to articulate what was in my heart.
"I'm sorry," is all I said. That was enough. She knew I wasn't a good talker.
* * *
I'm not going to tell you where I scattered her ashes. That's between us.
I will tell you that I chucked Marc in a Dumpster, because I was less concerned about treating his dead body with dignity.
I won't tell you where I went after that.
It was far from the scene of the deaths. It was cheap. I rarely had to see anybody.
I did some odd jobs. Nothing drug-related. Manual outdoor labor. The work was legal, even if my completely off the record cash salary was not. I was sort of like an undocumented immigrant.
Now, as you've figured out, I've decided that I wanted to tell my story. Why not share this crazy tale with the world, right?
I'm pretty sure that I'm not allowed to get paid for writing about my own crimes. I think that's true even if I served a prison sentence first. So a publisher will have to donate the money to charity or something. They can figure it out.
I'm not an expert on grammar. I'll get somebody to help me tweak it here and there.
And I guess that's it. Not the happiest story in the world, but don't feel sorry for me. Abigail and I had that one dance. We had delicious spaghetti. And though I can't give away my secrets, yes, I did verify that Neal was taking care of her cat.
If I creeped you out at any point during this narrative, I apologize. Just know that we live in a vast, sprawling world, and the chances that I'm anywhere near you are almost non-existent. You can sleep well at night.
As I told you earlier, when I wrote those stories about my father's victims and put them up on my wall, they never had endings. They just stopped mid-sentence. There was always more to their story.
That's how I'd planned to end this tale.
But then I decided that it might piss off my readers.
Instead, I bid you farewell, and wish you pleasant dreams. I'm going to pretend this is a happy ending.
The End
Acknowledgements
Thanks to Tod Clark, Donna Fitzpatrick, Paul Goblirsch, Lynne Hansen, Xtina Marie, Michael McBride, Jim Morey, Rhonda Rettig, and Paul Synuria II for their help with this lighthearted, cheery romp of a novel.
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Other Books by Jeff Strand
Sick House. A home invasion from beyond the grave.
How You Ruined My Life. Sixteen-year-old Rod has a pretty cool life until his cousin Blake moves in and slowly destroys everything he holds dear.
Everything Has Teeth. A third collection of short tales of horror and macabre comedy.
An Apocalypse of Our Own. Can the Friend Zone survive the end of the world?
Stranger Things Have Happened. Teenager Marcus Millian III is determined to be one of the greatest magicians who ever lived. Can he make a shark disappear from a tank?
Cyclops Road. When newly widowed Evan Portin gives a woman named Harriett a ride out of town, she says she's on a cross-country journey to slay a Cyclops. Is she crazy, or...?
Blister. While on vacation, cartoonist Jason Tray meets the town legend, a hideously disfigured woman who lives in a shed.
The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever. Three best friends with more passion than talent try to make the ultimate zombie epic.
Kumquat. A road trip comedy about TV, hot dogs, death, and obscure fruit.
Facial. Carlton just found a dead lion in his basement. This is the normal part of the story.
I Have a Bad Feeling About This. Geeky, non-athletic Henry Lambert is sent to survival camp, which is bad enough before the trio of murderous thugs show up.
Pressure. What if your best friend was a killer...and he wanted you to be just like him? Bram Stoker Award nominee for Best Novel.
Dweller. The lifetime story of a boy and his monster. Bram Stoker Award nominee for Best Novel.
A Bad Day For Voodoo. A young adult horror/comedy about why sticking pins in a voodoo doll of your history teacher isn't always the best idea. Bram Stoker Award nominee for Best Young Adult Novel.
Dead Clown Barbecue. A collection of demented stories about severed noses, ventriloquist dummies, giant-sized vampires, sibling stabbings, and lots of other messed-up stuff.
Dead Clown Barbecue Expansion Pack. A few more stories for those who couldn't get enough.
Wolf Hunt. Two thugs for hire. One beautiful woman. And one vicious frickin' werewolf.
Wolf Hunt 2. New wolf. Same George and Lou.
The Sinister Mr. Corpse. The feel-good zombie novel of the year.
Benjamin's Parasite. A rather disgusting action/horror/comedy about why getting infected with a ghastly parasite is unpleasant.
Kutter. A serial killer finds a Boston terrier, and it might just make him into a better person.
Faint of Heart. To get her kidnapped husband back, Melody has to relive her husband's nightmarish weekend, step-by-step...and survive.
Mandibles. Giant killer ants wreaking havoc in the big city!
Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary). First in the Andrew Mayhem series.
Single White Psychopath Seeks Same. Second in the Andrew Mayhem series.
Casket For Sale (Only Used Once). Third in the Andrew Mayhem series.
Lost Homicidal Maniac (Answers to "Shirley"). Fourth in the Andrew Mayhem series.
Suckers (with JA Konrath). Andrew Mayhem meets Harry McGlade. Which one will prove to be more incompetent?
Gleefully Macabre Tales. A collection of thirty-two demented tales. Bram Stoker Award nominee for Best Collection.
The Severed Nose. What would you do if you came home one evening and found a severed nose lying on a plate on your dining room table?
Disposal. Frank, a self-proclaimed scumbag, is hired to murder an old man...but the old bastard just won't DIE!!!
Elrod McBugle on the Loose. A comedy for kids (and adults who were warped as kids).
Out of Whack. A coming-of-age comedy about love, friendship, and the realization that trying to yank somebody's panties off in a passionate manner can only lead to wedgies.
How to Rescue a Dead Princess. A ridiculous spoof of fantasy novels. Lots and lots and lots of jokes, but I'm willing to admit that it perhaps tries a bit too hard.
The Haunted Forest Tour (with Jim Moore). The greatest theme park attraction in the world! Take a completely safe ride through an actual haunted forest! Just hope that your tram doesn't break down, because this forest is PACKED with monsters...
Draculas (with JA Konrath, Blake Crouch, and F. Paul Wilson). An outbreak of feral vampires in a secluded hospital. This one isn't much like Twilight.
For information on all of these books, visit Jeff Strand's more-or-less official website at http://www.jeffstrand.com
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