Yet it was all an illusion: as if she’d dreamt the rowing race and woken up now to cold harsh reality. She and Adam could never be together.
She shivered. The heat of the race had gone and she was growing cold in the wind, despite her sweatshirt. She could try and find Adam and ask him what he’d meant by ‘fate’, but time was running out. She’d promised to meet Luca, and she should really find Will and the rest of the crew too. No chance of calling any of them: her phone was in the dry bag in the locker of the Athene but there was nothing she could do about that. Anyway, her crew would surely be in one of the pubs, celebrating their victory: Adam wouldn’t be so easy to locate.
She coaxed her stiff limbs into life and walked down from the fort to join the quieter back road into town. She hadn’t got far when she saw Adam walking up the steep path towards her. Jess stopped and readied herself. It was relatively quiet here, no one else could hear them and most of all they had to stop running from each other.
‘Jess?’
She waited by a bench. ‘How did you find me?’
‘One of the marshals said they’d seen you heading this way a while ago. I guessed where you might be. We used to come up here. Do you remember?’
She smiled at the memory. ‘Of course I do. We were here last August after the beach party.’ The week before he got the text, she remembered. ‘It feels like a lifetime ago now.’
‘It does for me too. I’m not going anywhere now. The question is: are you?’
‘No. No I’m staying. I want to hear what you have to say, even if I won’t like it. Where are Keri and Emmy?’
‘Keri’s taken Emmy to a pottery painting café in town. She’s mad on art and crafts. I have an hour before I have to meet them and take the boat back to the cottage. I wanted to talk to you straight after the race, but I had to tell Keri where I was going and what I was doing. Then I saw you with Luca …’
‘He saw us together in the boat. I was explaining that it didn’t mean anything.’
‘No …’ said Adam, a little wistfully, thought Jess. ‘If he’s worth anything, he’ll know that. It happened in the moment. It was a mistake.’
Her heart plunged. ‘I wouldn’t have called it a mistake. More an impulse. We forgot who we are – who we are now.’
Adam stared at her. ‘But that’s the problem. I can’t forget who we are or what we were to each other and what you still mean to me. I’ve tried so fucking hard, but I can’t let us go that easily. I thought I could get away without explaining anything, but now I know it was impossible. There’s something I wish I didn’t know but I do and I can’t keep it a secret from anyone I care about or love and especially not you.’
Jess had promised herself that she would stay calm and hear him out without ranting or getting upset. She shoved her hands in the pockets of her hoodie to stop them shaking.
They had to step back almost into the hedge then to let a large group of walkers pass them on the path. Adam cursed under his breath, but he and Jess smiled and returned the group’s greeting, though Jess was ready to scream in frustration. How bizarre that they had to observe all the niceties when they were both bursting to talk.
‘Up here,’ said Adam and they climbed the path back onto the top of the ruined walls out of the way of passers-by. Adam looked out to sea and took a deep breath of air, almost as if he’d been dying of oxygen starvation. ‘You have no idea how I’ve missed this.’
‘Me too, but what’s going on? Why haven’t you told me the full story?’
‘Oh God. I panicked. I knew I should trust you, but I was so afraid. I still am more afraid than I’ve ever been in my life …’
Jess had heard the phrase ‘my blood ran cold’ and never known what it meant, but that’s exactly how she felt now: as if an icy fluid had been injected into her veins and frozen her solid. She couldn’t move and could hardly breathe.
‘Are you ill, Adam? Is it something terrible?’
‘It’s not great,’ he said and smiled: but it was a smile that made Jess want to cry. ‘Sit down,’ he said gently.
She sat on a broken piece of wall, and Adam joined her.
‘I need to go right back to the beginning. To last August, the day we fetched Gaby from the airport.’
And the text. That awful text. Jess knew that was the start of it: the misery.
Adam closed his eyes, as if he was trying to blot out a terrible memory.
Jess wanted to hold him, but those days were gone. She felt completely helpless. ‘Go on,’ she said quietly.
‘After you’d left the cottage that evening, I called Keri back. She didn’t only contact me to tell me about my real dad. Keri phoned to say that Blake had passed away from the same condition as my dad, Peter, had died of six months before.’
Adam took a breath before he carried on.
‘Keri told me Blake had had an inherited neurological disease and she was very sorry to have to tell me but I might carry the gene. She said that there was a test for it if I wanted it but that many people didn’t want to know. But she said it was my choice, a horrible choice, but better than no one warning me at all. I wish she hadn’t told me though, because there’s no cure for it and a fifty-fifty chance I have it too.’
‘Oh my God.’ Jess threw her arms around him instinctively. She held him. Felt his body shake a little, then he gently pushed her away. His eyes were bright. Jess felt as if her heart was crumbling away, piece by piece. ‘You should have told me. Why didn’t you trust me before?’ she murmured, finally releasing him.
‘I refused to believe any of it. I feel well. I’m young and strong. How could I possibly have this … this horrible thing? So, I buried all the bad stuff and tried to ignore it, but the fear ate away at me. I could barely function and I know I pushed you away.’ He held Jess tightly. ‘I’m so sorry, but I couldn’t tell you. Even as I slowly began to face the truth, I couldn’t face dealing with my feelings, let alone yours.’
Adam gently let Jess go but stayed close to her. Jess bit back tears, clinging onto the realisation she had to stay strong for Adam.
‘Have you told your mum why Keri contacted you?’
Adam put his head in his hands. ‘I just told her it was about the money Pete had left. I didn’t want to add the worry of this disease onto the stress of her having to tell me she’d had an affair. I still haven’t told her.’
Jess thought of the little girl holding her ice cream and her stomach knotted. ‘What about Emmy? Does she have it?’
‘No. Thank God. Keri had her tested at birth and she doesn’t. Jess. I still love you but the situation is impossible. The thing is that even if I don’t have it, our children might also carry the gene. And I know how much you love kids. One of the reasons I finally decided to leave was when we all found out that Maisie was having a baby. You were so happy for her, I overheard you saying how much you’d love a family. Even though I’d hung on here because I couldn’t bear to actually leave the island, that was the final straw.’
‘What an awful burden for you, Adam. I’m so sorry …’ She hardly dared ask the next question but had to know the worst. ‘What is the disease?’
‘It’s a neurological condition caused by a faulty gene. It’s something like Huntington’s but even rarer. We joke it must have been made specially for us.’ He actually smiled briefly and Jess realised that no matter what he said about not having come to terms with it, Adam had already gone a long way down the road to accepting things.
‘Is there really… no cure?’ She had to stop her voice from faltering.
‘There’s lots of research, but no cure on the horizon. Some treatment to manage the symptoms and they’re working hard on the genetic cause, but it’s about as grim as it gets. It affects your central nervous system until you’re completely unable to move or breathe on your own …’ his voice trailed off. Telling her this terrible news must be agonising for him.
She picked up his hand and squeezed it. ‘Adam, I would have stood by you.’
&nbs
p; ‘That’s exactly why I left. I knew you’d want to help me, but I don’t want your pity and for you to end up as my nurse.’ His jaw was tight and the strain etched on every feature. ‘I’m sorry, but I’ve tried not to get down. I’ve tried to be strong. I’ve debated night and day whether I should find out if I have the gene too, but I can’t find an answer.’
‘But if you don’t have it—’
‘If I don’t. But as I said, it’s genetic: I could also pass it on to our kids. And I wanted kids with you. I still do, but I can’t possibly allow that. I was petrified you might be pregnant for a while, even though we’d taken precautions. You know the worst thing about all of this?’
Jess squeezed his hand.
‘I’ve been a coward. A coward to leave. Not to be able to deal with it, not to face up to it.’
‘Stop saying it or thinking it. You’re not a coward … but you need to get some help. This is too much to bear on your own. Have you had any counselling?’
‘No. I don’t want to talk about it. I know the options: do the test or not. Die or not. Be with you or not.’ His voice firmed. ‘So you have to leave me. You have to be with Luca – or anyone else. Or on your own, but not with me. It’s driven me half insane seeing you with Luca yet at the same time, I’m relieved. I want you to be happy with him: with anyone but me. I love you, Jess. I love you so much and that’s why I’m the last man on earth you should be with and why I left you.’
‘You can’t tell me this and expect me not to care!’ Jess cried. Especially now that he’d told her he still loved her, and he always had, yet he was leaving for good. He’d given her everything she’d longed for and snatched it away again, even though she knew he couldn’t help himself. She felt as if she was fighting to keep her head above water as one wave of agony rolled over her after another.
‘But I do and it’s why, after today, I can’t see you again. I’ve decided to end my lease on the cottage and move back to Cumbria permanently.’
‘What if you get the test and it’s clear?’
‘I won’t get it. I can’t. I’d rather not know, and lots of people choose not to find out. And even if I did, and it was OK, I can never make up for what I’ve done to you. A clean break now is best. Forget me forever.’
‘Oh Adam.’ Tears ran down her face. She couldn’t see him any more but she could feel his arms around her. He was holding her and soothing her. He brushed his hand over her damp cheeks. ‘Jess, my lovely. I can’t lay this burden on you. You have to believe me that I feel the same way about you as I did when I got the text, the same way I did when I flew out. Every day we’ve been apart I knew I loved you. I raked over the decision endlessly. It was Keri who wanted me to tell you the truth. She confessed to me last night that she badgered me to bring them here to Scilly, not only for Emmy’s sake but because she wanted me to come clean with you and she’s been on at me ever since. She said it would be more painful if you were left in the dark. Then when Will asked me to join the crew, I couldn’t hold back any longer.’
‘Keri was right but …’ Jess trembled in his arms. ‘It doesn’t matter now. Nothing does but you getting help.’
He shook his head. ‘There is no help.’
‘I want to help, I’d support you whatever happened. Let me, please, Adam.’
He shook his head. ‘No. Stop trying to persuade me. I’ve made my decision. I can’t do this, Jess.’ He let her go as if he suddenly needed to escape from her. ‘I need to find Emmy and Keri. I’ll see you … I’m sorry for everything but it’s hopeless.’
‘Wait!’ Icy shivers ran through her as she felt the loss of his arms around her.
He jogged away from her. Jess followed but he was already scrambling down the path. She could chase after him but he was so hurt, he wouldn’t have listened.
She closed her eyes and steadied herself on an old wall as the wind gusted around her and snatches of music and cheers filtered up from the harbour. She’d never felt so desolate in her life. If Adam told her that Keri was his girlfriend and he wanted to marry her and live on Scilly, it would have been a hundred times better than the truth. Her heart was breaking all over again.
Chapter 30
After collecting the trophy, Gaby and the rest of the crew trooped into the Galleon Inn behind the harbour, along with Patrick and Maisie and the Gull team. They had to fight their way inside, through the crush of rowers and supporters, before they found a corner.
Gaby was now squished against the side of a wooden settle. ‘Well, that was a first for the championships. Only five of us turning up to collect the trophy,’ she said, as Will shifted a few inches closer to her.
‘Lawrence has a great excuse,’ said Natalia.
‘And Jess probably needed some time on her own. I hope she’s OK,’ said Gaby.
‘Me too, and I’m not sure where Adam got to, either,’ said Will quietly then cheered up. ‘I’ll get the first round in.’
After he and Robbie had returned with the trays of drinks, he resumed his place next to Gaby. Every now and then his arm would brush the back of her shoulders as he held forth on the famous victory. Gaby felt his laughter resonate through her body and saw his brown eyes light up with pleasure. She didn’t think she’d ever seen him so happy.
‘Sorry, mate.’ Will grinned broadly as Patrick and Maisie joined them at the table.
‘Yeah and you look sorry,’ said Patrick. ‘About as sorry as a bloke who’s won the lottery twice over.’ Patrick grinned. ‘Captain of the winning crew buys the drinks for the rest of the day and that seems to be you, mate.’
Will laughed. ‘I’m happy to get the next round in too. Your crew looks as if they need consolation.’
‘Did you see Hugo’s face?’ added Len with a cackle.
Roars of laughter rang out as more drinks were brought to the table and every aspect of the race was raked over again and again. Gaby tucked into a bag of crisps and her wine, amused by how the details grew more colourful with every retelling. It now sounded as if the clashing crews had capsized Titanic-style and Petroc had been seconds from being rescued by the lifeboat. So that was how oral myths spread, she thought with amusement. She suspected the day would pass into gig rowing legend for decades to come.
The banter flew between the crews, and soon the table had vanished under glasses and empty crisp packets. There were so many excited and well-oiled people in the pub now that they could hardly hear themselves speak. Gaby had only had a couple of drinks but the effort of the race had taken its toll and she had no idea how she was ever going to peel herself out of the booth.
‘Anyone heard how Lawrence is?’ Patrick asked.
‘His girlfriend called me. Badly bruised ankle but no break, thankfully,’ said Will. ‘She says he’ll be discharged soon and she’ll take care of him in her flat at Old Town. Means that we’ll be one short on the row home though.’
Gaby let out a squeak.
‘You’ll be fine. I’ll be gentle with you.’ Will spoke softly into her ear. A hand rested lightly on her back. It wasn’t Len’s so it had to be Will’s. His fingers were warm and he inched a tiny bit closer to her, until their bare thighs beneath their shorts were touching. She shifted in her seat and Will’s leg muscle tensed next to hers. The tension was agonising but delicious. ‘What’s so funny?’ he whispered while Len related a tale about a previous gig disaster to the rest of the crews. ‘You have that secret smile on your face.’
‘Who? Moi?’
‘Yes. You often have it. Usually when I’ve done or said something that amuses you.’
‘Really?’ She arched an eyebrow.
‘You’re doing it now. As if you know something about me that I don’t. It’s … disturbing.’
‘Shall I stop doing it?’ she whispered back, pleased they were enjoying this light-hearted banter again. Fortunately the others were distracted by the disgruntled St Piran’s crew marching into the bar, bemoaning their misfortune.
‘No. But later I want to know exactly what it
is about me that you find so funny. I won’t let you go until I find out.’ There was a definite glint in his eye.
‘Is that a threat or a promise?’
Will leaned a little closer. ‘Both … I hope.’
She felt his breath against her ear and a very pleasant shivery feeling shot through her. The camaraderie and euphoria after the race seemed to be turning into something far more enjoyable.
‘Will!’ Len shouted.
‘Yes, mate!’ Will turned to Len.
Len raised his empty glass. ‘Shall I get the next lot of drinks in? It’s my round.’
The table fell silent in shock at Len’s offer.
Will put a hand to his ear. ‘Erm. Is my hearing going or did Len just offer to buy a round?’
Len snorted. ‘You cheeky sod. I can always change my mind.’
‘No! I’ll have a pint,’ said Will.
Natalia held up her glass. ‘Rattler for me.’
‘A Coke and a lime and soda!’ said Maisie.
‘Gaby?’
‘Um …’ Gaby glanced up to find Will looking at her enquiringly. She licked her lips. Her ‘mind had been more agreeably engaged’, as Jane Austen once wrote, though she’d been thinking of Will’s fit arse rather than his fine eyes. Probably best not to share that with either him or the rest of the crew.
Will’s mouth quirked in amusement which did nothing to cool Gaby down. ‘Be quick because you’ll never get this chance again,’ he said huskily. Argh. Everything he did and said seemed sexy to her, which was very disconcerting.
‘Another white wine spritzer please,’ she said finally.
Len gasped. ‘Don’t get too carried away. We’ve got to row home.’
‘In that case, I’ll have a large G&T too,’ she replied.
Spring on the Little Cornish Isles: Flower Farm Page 24
