“You never asked. Is something wrong, Jax?” Maybe she wouldn’t even tell me. Maybe she didn’t want a boyfriend because her job had certain perks she couldn’t reveal.
What was wrong with me? I was freaking out and imagining things that weren’t real.
I knew I was being ridiculous, and the only way to get myself out of it was to turn it into something else. “No. All’s good with the world.”
“I can’t talk right now. I’m about to go on. Will you call me back later? I get off at ten.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll just talk to you tomorrow or something.” I don’t know what made me say it. Amber was asking me to call her later and I was treating her like I didn’t give a damn. She needed my support. What was wrong with me?
“Okay,” she replied. “Are you mad at me for something? I got your letter this morning. It was really sweet. I do hope you call Jax. I don’t know what got into me last night, but I do appreciate you being there.”
“I’m just trying to be a friend.” Who obviously wants way more than that word allows. I just couldn’t tell her that.
“Please call me later. I have to go.”
When the call ended I felt pissed off, at myself and the situation. I knew why. I just hated having to admit that’s what it was. Did I really have it that bad for this girl that I was being overprotective? Was I jealous that other guys were looking at her body when she’d asked me not to come by the club anymore?
Yes, I was.
I wanted Amber for myself.
There was just one thing standing in the way, and she was adamant about keeping things on a friend level. I didn’t know how long I could play the friend card before I exploded in a giant blue ball of cum. She was giving me vibes, but retracting them when I got close. It felt as if it were never-ending.
I spent the rest of the day working in silence. Noah was off at a doctor’s appointment with Shalan, since she was ready to pop. In the months that I’d been living at the ranch I’d tried to steer clear of the newly weds and all of their marital bliss. To be honest it made me feel uneasy. I remember when Noah was the biggest player. Now he was so fucking happy that it spilled from his pores.
After work I went back to an empty trailer. Remnants of my brother were still around, reminding me how terrible I’d been to him. For the most part it was to get him out of my hair. I didn’t hate him. I just didn’t like him very much, and it was all because I was jealous.
I was jealous of what they had together. I was jealous that he’d gotten the girl. Now I was jealous because other men were looking at the woman that I wanted to start a relationship with. It was all making my head spin.
Shortly after I ate a microwave meal, I fell asleep on the couch, waking up well after midnight. On my phone were two missed calls and a text message from Amber. I contemplated waiting until morning to call her, but wondered if she was having a bad night and needed to talk to me about it.
I sent her a text to let her know that I was sorry for missing her calls, hoping it would be enough to still have some miniscule chance of winning her over.
Fell asleep after dinner. Is everything okay? I’m sorry. - J
I didn’t expect Amber to reply. She was probably exhausted from the past couple days and needed to get some well-deserved rest. Plus, she still had to pack and mentally prepare for seeing her parents. I didn’t know much about them, but was finding it hard myself to sympathize with how they’d blamed Amber. We’re human. We all make mistakes. I knew if she could bring her sister back she would have. It was apparent that Meg’s death destroyed a part of her. I only wish there was something I could do to help her see that it wasn’t her fault. She needed to stop blaming herself for something she couldn’t change.
When I thought about that my mind went right to my brother.
Everyone makes mistakes.
You can’t change the past.
Maybe it was time I took my own advice and figured out a way to get past it all. Perhaps if I could show Amber that it was possible, it would give her enough hope to want to do it herself.
Chapter 18
Amber
I couldn’t understand why Jax had been so short with me, but that was the least of my worries. During my dance I recognized a regular who’d given me a hard time in the past. His name was Chevy. He was in his fifties and drove a truck for a living. He’d been told to leave the premises the last time he’d been in, but that was before the owner’s wife had taken over. She hadn’t recognized him, and since I was already dancing on the stage with my clothes off, I couldn’t exactly make a big deal out of it.
My hopes were to finish my dance and leave out the back door, instead of sticking around for extra tips. All I wanted to do was get out of there so I wouldn’t have to deal with his nonsense. I couldn’t have suspected that he would sneak to the back lot and wait for me to come outside.
In a short flash of a second I spotted him. Before I could spin around and unlock the door to go back inside he was standing before me. His beard had grown since I saw him last, but I was one hundred percent sure it was him. “Chevy, right?” I tried to act kind, hoping it would earn me some time to plan an escape. It wasn’t that I feared he’d hurt me. It was more like he made me feel uncomfortable. The last time we’d been close he’d told me he was in love with me, and when he said it I got chills all over my body. Not the good kind either. He gave me the creeps.
“You remembered me, baby?”
I scooted away from him. “I do. It’s good to see you,” I lied. “I was just about to head home.”
“I’m only here for the night. Why don’t you stay for a while?”
“I have plans already. My boyfriend is coming over.” I had to admit that it felt good to say that and think of Jax. He was the closest I had to anything.
“I figured you’d have gone off and found yourself a man to keep you company at night. Someone that looks like you doesn’t stay single for long. He’s a lucky man.”
“Yeah,” I smiled. “I think so.”
Chevy walked me to my car, but didn’t let me get in. He put his hand on the doorframe to prevent me from opening it. “How about a hug for an old friend?”
Now this made me very uncomfortable. I was alone, in a dark parking lot. If that wasn’t enough to make me worry, I’d been sexually assaulted in the past and always assumed the worst. “I’m all sweaty. Maybe next time.”
For a moment he stood there staring at me. I stuck my hand in my purse and tried to feel around for my pepper spray just in case I’d need to use it. All of a sudden he pushed off the vehicle and backed away. “I reckon I’ll just go on back inside then.”
“See you next time then.” It took me about two seconds to climb in my car and lock the doors. As soon as I started the engine I pulled out of the parking lot. I knew it wasn’t that cold, but I still should have warmed the vehicle up before driving, except I wasn’t taking a chance on someone shady like that guy. I’d learned my lesson a long time ago, so I refused to make that same mistake again. The wall was put up for a reason.
During the drive home I kept looking in my rearview mirror, making sure I wasn’t being followed. I was nervous and a bit frightened, like he’d somehow be standing there waiting for me.
Since my mailbox was located in the parking lot, I stopped to retrieve it. While I sat in the warm vehicle I sorted through the envelopes of bills and junk, stopping at one that alarmed me. It was from the correctional facility that Seth had been assigned to.
Quickly I opened it up, fearing what I knew it already stated. Seth was getting out nine months early. Since I’d been one of the people to make sure he was locked up, I knew he’d come after me. He’d threatened it during the hearing. If anything he’d want revenge. He was sneaky and would try to hurt me by ruining my reputation, or harming me in some way. I pictured him cutting my brake lines so I drove my car right off a cliff and fell to my death.
I broke down right there in my vehicle, only steps away from my ow
n front door. Nothing could stop the tears from falling, not when my life could be in danger.
After reading the note a few more times I crumbled it up and tossed it out the window, feeling like I needed to rid myself of the remnants as if it were a bad omen.
The text to Chris was short and to the point.
Did you get a letter from the state today? – A
She wrote back immediately.
No, why? – C
I just got a letter saying Seth is getting out early. How is this even possible? I’m going a little crazy. I feel like he’s going to come after me. – A
I can’t believe this is happening. He should have been locked up for way longer. Don’t worry about it. He won’t come near you. He’s been kicked out of school, and I heard his parents moved to another county. – C
Do you think it’s a mistake? Could it be some error in paperwork?– A
Maybe. We can call in the morning. Don’t get upset about it. Lock your doors if you’re scared. I know it’s hard. – C
I read her message three times. It was easy for Christian to say everything would be fine. She was living on a ranch with security gates and huge cowboys to defend her wherever she turned. I wasn’t that lucky.
I didn’t even realize the direction I was taking until I was halfway down the road. I was searching for refuge; a place where I knew I’d be protected. There was only one I could think of, and if he turned me away I didn’t know what I’d do. This wasn’t about a friendship. I needed Jax because somehow or another I felt like he was the only person I could trust to do the job. In the past few days he’d been constantly on my mind, way more than a friend should. I’d seen him everyday, yet felt like it had been forever. Once I made it through the gate by being buzzed in, I drove my car down the dirt lane until I came to his dark trailer.
Since he hadn’t answered texts from earlier that I’d sent, I wasn’t sure if there was something bothering him, not that it was going to stop me. Even as I climbed out of my car I looked around to see if anyone was following me. It was a habit that I shouldn’t have taken lightly. Three steps separated me from knocking on his kitchen door. I hadn’t noticed I was still in stilettos until I attempted it. One of my heels got stuck between the wooden slats and I fell to my knees, twisting my ankle. I had to pull my shoe off to remove it from the crack. While I clung to my injury I wailed in excruciating pain. The kitchen light came on and I saw Jax peering out the door with his hands against the glass. An outside bulb illuminated at the same time the door opened. “What the hell are you doing on the ground outside of my house after midnight?”
I was rocking back and forth, trying to hold in another scream. “My ankle. It got stuck.”
“Jesus Christ.” He came walking out to asses the damage. “Can you move?”
“It’s just my ankle. My heel went right into the crack. It hurts so bad, Jax.”
“Do you think it’s broken?” When he reached to touch it I cringed. “Okay, let’s get you inside so we can put some ice on it, unless you want me to take you to the hospital?”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to leave the ranch, but I couldn’t tell him the reason why. There were some things he didn’t need to worry about. Just being around him made me feel safer.
Jax lifted me up easily and carried me inside. Once he’d sat me down on the couch with my feet elevated on the coffee table, he rushed into the kitchen to get me an ice pack. Instead he came back with a frozen bag of lima beans. “Here. These work better. They conform to the shape of the injury.”
I tried to smile through the throbbing aches. “Thanks I think.”
While Jax squatted down in front of my sore ankle, I watched him caring for me. This was what I’d driven all this way for. “So, are you going to tell me why I just found you lying at the bottom of my porch steps in the middle of the night?”
I shrugged, unable to think of a good enough reason to use other than the truth. “There was this creepy guy at work and it freaked me out. I should go.” I stood up and tried to walk, only to fall down overtop of him. Jax started laughing, while I felt completely embarrassed.
“If you wanted to ride me all you have to do is ask. You don’t have to go to extremes like this.”
We were face to face, with me sitting on his lap. I patted him on the chest. “You’re not funny. I feel so stupid.”
“You came here to kiss me, didn’t you?” His snarky attitude made me smile. Granted we were sitting close enough to do it easily.
“No.”
He leaned forward, closer by the minute. “So if I did this you’d pull away?”
I couldn’t move. His nose nuzzled with mine, and all I could do was close my eyes and prepare for it to happen.
Then I felt it; his tender lips coursed over mine, teasing me to get a reaction. I was ready to let him place tender affections over my awaiting skin, but he stopped once again, like he had to be sure this was what I wanted.
It had been so long since I kissed a man, and even longer since I felt something when it happened. I couldn’t deny this, or the way that Jax made me feel when we were alone. A week ago I would have been petrified to be in this situation. I never would have imagined that someone like him would come into my life and make me question my abstinence.
“Tell me to stop, Amber,” he whispered against my lips. “Tell me you only want to be my friend. Please. Don’t just sit there with those eyes saying nothing.”
“I’m afraid.”
“What are you afraid of?” When he spoke I could feel his lips barely grazing mine.
“Ask me something else. Ask me anything else.” My breathing was becoming heavy and something was awakening between my legs. Sensations that I hadn’t felt in forever were coming back, seemingly stronger than before.
“I want to kiss you so fucking bad, but I feel like you’re stalling, and I don’t get why. You keep giving me mixed signals, and now you’re showing up in the middle of the night on my doorstep. I get that some guy creeped you out, and I’m cool if that’s what really happened, but I’ve got a feeling it’s something else.”
Finally I was able to get a sentence out. “I do want to kiss you, Jax, but there’s something you need to know first.” I couldn’t keep this up any longer. He needed to know. I couldn’t string him along anymore. He deserved to know why I couldn’t stand to be touched. It was time to open the door and let my demons out.
“And when I tell you, there’s a chance that you might not want to kiss me anymore. You might think I’m hideous, or that I’m too damaged. I just want you to know that I won’t be mad if you change your mind. However, I would really like it if you’d still be my friend. I don’t have many, and you make me feel safe. I ran to you tonight because I knew I wouldn’t have to be afraid.”
Jax grabbed my hands and rubbed his thumbs over them. “I won’t change my mind.”
They were the last words I heard before revealing the truth to Jax, and as I opened my mouth to speak I looked down at him embracing me and got the courage to continue.
Chapter 19
Jax
It was obvious that she was tortured by something in her past; something other than her sister’s death. What I couldn’t figure out was why she thought I’d be repulsed by her. What would make her think that I could possibly change my mind about wanting to follow the connection we had?
Then she said it, and when she did I felt a sickening jolt to the pit of my stomach; one that would consume me to a point where I felt the need to physically hurt someone.
She took her time explaining, I presume to make it easier to get it all out at once. It was good that the story was long. It gave me a chance to take it all in and comprehend exactly what she’d been through. Even then I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“When I came here to go to college I didn’t know anybody. Needless to say I was in a bad place. Meg was gone, and all I wanted to do was get away from my family. I made friends the first couple days, one of which was a guy.
He had a girlfriend, so I didn’t even consider it being anything more. This guy was great. He showed me around campus, and introduced me to fellow classmates. He was popular. He played on the football team and was part of a fraternity. To be honest, after the first couple of weeks I was in awe of him. He had it all; money, popularity, class, and above all an entourage of friends. Since nobody knew what had happened to me before I started school, I threw myself into the cliché of college life. I went to parties and acted crazy every chance I got. One night, after a long day of binge drinking, I stayed to help my guy friend clean up. I’d like to say that he came onto me, but it’s possible it was all me. Things got hot and heavy pretty quickly after that, and once I had a taste I wanted more, even if I had to sneak around with him for it to be able to happen.”
She got more relaxed in a seated position to rest her ankle. “What started out as little secret meetings ended up being a very serious affair. I’d fallen in love with him, unfortunately, leaving me vulnerable to every lie that came out of his mouth. He promised me we’d be together, and gave me a million stupid ass reasons why he had to wait to break up with his girlfriend. Looking back, I knew I was stupid. I should have been aware that it was all bullshit. I mean, what guy wouldn’t want pussy on the side when the person was ready and willing? He’d make me wait for him, just long enough where I had to have him. The sex became ravenous, and it was necessary for him to be in control all of the time. It wasn’t like in the beginning, where he took his time and pretended to be so caring. Being that I was so naïve, I’d put myself into a situation I couldn’t get out of. All of my friends were his friends first. I knew that none of them would take my side if I tried to bring them into our secret relationship.”
It sounded like something me or my brother used to do, though we never allowed ourselves to commit to anything serious, until Reese came along. “Damn. I guess he never broke up with her then? Did he break your heart?” I was trying to be sympathetic. If this was all about some sappy romance than I wanted to at least pretend to care. I didn’t want her to think I was a total dick, but hearing about her being with someone else wasn’t how I saw this conversation going.
Jax Mitchell Page 12
