by Black, C. E.
"What? No! That is not what I said. I don't care that you're from the south and what do you mean someone with more class? Look at me? Do I look or act like I have class?" Paul started to speak and I waved his response away with my hand. "Never mind, don't answer that. What I'm trying to say, is I'm not cut out to be anyone's mate."
"That doesn't make any sense. Of course you're cut out to be a mate. It's as natural as breathing." He scooted closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist pulling me against him. Even though I didn't want to be his mate, my body still responded to him. I laid my head on his shoulder and sighed. I just didn't know what to say to make him understand.
"I've waited so long for you, Susan. I thought I'd never find you. These last four months have been hell knowing you were near me, but not being able to do anything about it. I wanted you to have space, but if I had known that you hadn't even considered that I was your mate, I would have stepped up sooner," He said, hugging me closer.
I lifted my head surprised. "How long have you been waiting for a mate? How old are you?" I asked.
He smiled gently, his eyes still filled with wariness. "I'm fifty-five years old Susan."
I looked over him appreciatively. I knew werewolves aged slowly, but Paul looked damn good at fifty-five. "You don't look a day over thirty-five," I said.
He smiled brighter. "And you look too young to be a mate, but I know better. How old are you?"
"I'm thirty and I am too young to be a mate. There so much I want to do," I said wistfully.
Paul's smiled dimmed. "Sweetheart you can do whatever you want. Being my mate doesn't mean you have to give up the things you want to do." I heard what he said, but I didn't believe him. I watch my mom be the perfect mate and that just wasn't in me. I loved her and thought she was the best mom ever. I knew my limits and I could never be as calm and controlled.
I pulled myself out of his arms and got off the bed. I went to the closet pulling a robe out slipping it on before turning around. I looked at Paul still sitting in the same spot gloriously naked. He was gorgeous and a great lover and now I knew he could also be sweet and vulnerable. But I couldn't be what he wanted me to be. I would never measure up to the ideal mate and I was surprised to find that the idea depressed me. I wished I could be what he needed. "I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to be your mate," I said.
Paul's gaze darkened. I could tell he was angry and I stepped back in response. I cursed myself for showing weakness and took a step forward raising my chin in defiance. He growled, but I held my stance.
"You're playing with fire little girl," He warned.
I shrugged. "I think it's time for you to leave. I've told you how I feel and I expect you to respect that. I'm not going to mate with you at least not any time soon."
Paul slid off the bed and glided toward me. Glided was the only word for it, he walked so smoothly. I watched as he came closer, his muscles stretching and bunching with each move of his limbs. I licked my lips as my gaze moved over his body ending at his cock. He was thick and hard again and I had to grip my hands together to keep myself from reaching out to him.
He stopped in front of me only an arm's length away. I raised my eyes to his face. He wore a knowing smirk. I stood up straighter and glared at him. The smile on his lips faded.
"I do respect you, Susan. But you are my mate and I'm not going to just give you up. We will have a mating ceremony, whether you like it or not. We don't get to decide who's destined to be our mate. I will treat you with respect and I will do my best to make you happy, but you have to choose to be happy, Susan. I can't make you. If you want to have a miserable union that's up to you, but we will be together. I'm yours, for life and you are mine."
I watched him in shock as he pulled his pants on. He kissed me hard and left without another word. I jumped when the door slammed behind him. I stood staring at the bed where we had just been. I thought being with him would be uncomplicated. I was fool for thinking that. As if confirming my thoughts my wolf grew restless again. I now knew what she wanted, but could I give it to her? Could I put away who I was and become someone completely different? I'd have to give up traveling and hanging out with friends. No more condom pranks. And the hardest of all was controlling my temper. Could I keep that side of me, that was always there, buried far enough, I wondered? I wasn't sure, but I was starting to think I had to try.
I couldn't deny my feelings for Paul even if my wolf would let me. I hated seeing the pain I caused in his eyes and I felt just as sad as my wolf when he left. I stiffened my spine and wiped away the tears that tracked down my cheeks. "Yes," I said out loud. "I can do this." I would be the mate I was supposed to be. Paul had waited a long time to find his mate and it really was unfair that he was stuck with me. I promised myself that I would make Paul happy if was the last thing I did.
Chapter 6
I went to Paul's room later that night. I told him I was sorry and was honored to be his mate. He watched me closely looking for any insincerity, but I was being completely honest with him and he could tell. He pulled me into a hug and held me for a moment. When he let go and tried ushering me into his room, I told him I wanted to wait until after the ceremony before we got intimate again. He was very nice about it and agreed to respect my wishes, but when he kissed me goodnight, it took all my willpower not drag him to bed.
Since then we've gone out to dinner and to the movies many times. It was nice to get out of the house and I was really enjoying getting to know Paul. He was kind and respectful and very smart. I learned about his family who he was very close to. His parents and his sister lived in town, so I was able to meet them. Mr. and Mrs. Hagan were great people reminding me of my parents. His sister, Hannah, was a really nice woman and I knew we'd get along just fine.
We even started taking runs together. The first time I saw him change, I was in awe. His wolf was as magnificent as his human form. He was the largest wolf I'd ever seen. His brown fur looked soft and silky matching exactly to his hair color and his amber eyes glowed in the dark. That was one of the neatest things about our wolf forms. Our fur and eyes stayed the same color as our human forms. It made for strange looking wolves, so we had to be extra careful where we ran. We were too extraordinary for humans not to notice how different we were from natural wolves.
We ran through the woods nipping at each other's tails. We chased rabbits and deer and even playing hide-and-go-seek. It was the only time I truly felt myself. There was no pressure as a wolf. I always felt closer to Paul after a run and was starting to have deep feelings for him. I hoped I could be everything he needed.
The mating ceremony was scheduled for the first weekend in April. It was going to be a very elegant affair. Nathaniel hired a planner to help me with everything. Her name was Irma and she was from a pack in Florida. She had a lot of ideas and I agreed with most. I didn't really care about how fancy or beautiful the ceremony was. All I needed was Paul and everything else could just be thrown out. It would save a whole hell of a lot of money, but I was trying to make Paul happy. He seemed please to see me planning the ceremony, so I kept meeting with Irma every time she asked.
The planning had taken up most of my time in the last two months, which was fine with me. I needed something to keep me busy. The ceremony was only a week away making me a bit nervous. I was finding out just how hard it was to be the perfect mate. I'd been tested a lot lately, but I was doing pretty well I thought. I had expected Paul to be against me hanging out with Becky, but I was pleasantly surprised when he suggested she help me with the plans. I was excited that she could help me, but I still kept my distance. As I suspected, keeping my temper in check was the hardest. I stayed calm fairly regularly, but it was a close call some days.
One night Paul invited me out to dinner. He said it would be fancy so I dressed in a black suit I had for work. I didn't have any nice dresses due to me running from Gray all the time. I put on a white silk shirt under the jacket. It was simple yet sophisticated. I wore my only pair of black pumps;
they were kind of scuffed, but would do. I pulled my hair up into a low bun and added pearl combs. After applying my makeup, I put on my pearl jewelry my mom left to me in her will.
I went to meet Paul down stairs and when I saw him all dressed up in a gray suit and tie I smiled brightly. He looked over me and smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. I suddenly felt self-conscious which was new for me. I usually didn't care what people thought of me, but Paul's opinion was important. I had to actually push back tears when I saw his face.
I looked down at my suit. Yeah, it was simple, but I still thought it was nice. It hugged my curves and showed a little cleavage. "What is it? Did I do something wrong?" I asked.
"No, nothing's wrong," He said a little too quickly. "You look beautiful." He smiled brightly and kissed my cheek, but I saw his eyes. I disappointed him somehow. I knew it. I just didn't know how.
"I'll go change. I'm not sure what else I have, but I'll find something," I said and turned to go upstairs.
Paul took my hand stopping my progress. "No, Susan. No need to change when you look amazing already."
"Are you sure? You seemed disappointed when I came down," I asked a bit confused.
"Yes, I'm sure. I'm sorry, sweetheart, I'm not disappointed with you, I promise."
"Okay, well if you're sure, let's get going," I said but I was feeling out of sorts. I wasn't usually so needy for approval.
We arrive at the restaurant; the drive there had been quiet and I hoped we'd talk more while we ate. I looked around the restaurant. I knew why Paul looked at me funny. This place was very extravagant. I was the only woman there with pants and the dresses they wore were very expensive. I sighed and followed the waiter to our table. When we were seated and our wine was poured, I asked Paul how his day was.
"Good," He said sitting down his glass. "We're continuing with a city sweep looking for any signs of Gray, but nothing so far. I told you we found where they were staying a couple of months ago." At my nod he continued. "The trail's gone cold. We can't find them."
I groaned in disappointment. Just as I was about to asked if he thought they were gone for good, a hand with glossy red fingernails slid over Paul's shoulder. I looked up at the owner. She was a busty blonde in a tight red dress, showing more leg than even I would dare.
"Hey, Paul, haven't seen you around lately. You doing alright?" She asked. Her voice was low and sultry and grated on my nerves. I wanted to growl when she caressed her hand down his arm, but I reminded myself, that was not how to behave in public. I smiled brightly.
Paul gave me a quizzical look and turned toward the blonde. "Hi, Daphne, how are you?"
Daphne smiled sweetly at Paul, keeping her hand on his arm. I felt like punching her, but I kept my smile in place. "Oh I've been doing okay darlin', but I sure have been missing you. What have you been up to sugar?" Oh...my...God, I was going to gut her if she didn't shut up soon.
Paul smiled back, but I was glad to notice he turned just right to dislodge her hand. "I've been pretty busy planning the mating ceremony. In fact this is my mate," He said gesturing towards me with his hand. "Daphne this is Susan, my mate. Susan, this is Daphne, an old friend."
Daphne glanced at me quickly and focused her gaze back on Paul. "Oh, now darlin', I ain't that old." She laughed and I had to hold off a visual cringe. I felt like my smile was frozen on my face, but I didn't want to embarrass Paul with an outburst.
Paul smiled and nodded at Daphne. "Well, I guess I'll see you around sugar," She said to Paul. Then she turned to me, looking me in the eyes. "Nice meeting you, Sarah," She said with a smirk only I could see.
I just smiled and nodded politely. I wasn't going to touch that one. She was itching for a fight and I couldn't do anything right now. But that bitch better never find me in an alley, that's for sure.
"It's Susan," Paul growled. Daphne and I both turned sharply in his direction. He was scowling, but not at Daphne. He was glaring at me.
Daphne apologized and hurried off. I barely noticed, because I was still staring at Paul. "What is it?" I asked. He kept his eyes fixed on mine and I was starting to get uncomfortable. I didn't understand the anger I saw. I thought I handled myself well when that tramp was pawing my mate.
I started to get angry when he didn't answer and I knew my eyes narrowed, but I caught myself and relaxed my features. His fist was clinched on the table by his wine glass so I placed my hand over it gently. I tried to smile reassuringly. "Honey, are you alright?"
To my surprise, he pulled his hand away from mine. I placed my hand back in my lap and waited for him to say something, anything, so I would know what was going on.
"No, I'm not alright," He finally said through clinched teeth. I frowned. Somehow I screwed up; I just didn't know how. Maybe I didn't suppress my cringe enough when Daphne laughed, I mused. Paul called the waiter over and asked for the check. We hadn't even eaten yet and he was ready to go. I flinched when he growled, "Let's go," which earned me another glare.
He took my arm, surprisingly gentle, as we made our way to the car. He helped me in as usual and got in to drive. We drove through town and turned down a street I didn't recognize. I wanted to ask where we were going, but I didn't want to anger him more.
We pulled into a parking lot and I saw that we were parked in front of a playground. I looked around not seeing anyone, so I turned to look at him questioningly. He was gripping the steering wheel with both hands and staring straight ahead. I wanted to reach out to him, comfort him, but I didn't think he wanted my touch right now. I could feel tears gathering in my eyes. I tried blinking them away, but they fell anyway. I couldn't believe I was crying. I hated to cry. I couldn't help it. I promised myself I would make him happy and I was failing. I hated to fail almost as much as I hated to cry.
"Do you want to go through with the ceremony?" He asked, his voiced sounded cold and distant.
"Yes, of course," I said confused. Didn't he see how much I wanted to be with him? I was changing for him, trying to be his mate.
He was still staring out the windshield when he asked, "Why did you change your mind so quickly the night we were together? You said you weren't ready to have a mate, but you came to me only a couple of hours later telling me different. Why?"
I wasn't prepared for that question. "I..." I didn't know what I should say to make him happy. "What does that have to do with anything? I just changed my mind is all," I said instead of answering.
"The truth," He growled.
I swallowed and looked down at my hands as if they had all the answers. I'd always prided myself on being a truthful person and I had been lacking honesty lately. Now was the time for truth. I knew that, but I was scared also. "I realized you were right. I am your mate and it's my duty to acknowledge that. I knew you had waited a long time to find a mate and I felt bad that it was me you found." I snorted. "I'm no prize that's for sure." I paused for moment thinking about the night I made my promise. I had to tell him everything or I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror in the morning.
"I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to make you happy. I didn't want to be responsible for the pain I saw in your eyes that night when I rejected you." I looked up at him with eyes still blurry with tears. What I saw made me cringe. He was glaring at me with eyes so hard and cold I couldn't believe this was the same guy I had fallen in love with. I just realized I was in love with him and I felt like I was losing him.
"So, you decided to go along with the mating ceremony because you felt guilty?" He asked coldly.
"No, not really. And If I recall correctly, you did say we were going to go through with the ceremony no matter what." He actually looked a little embarrassed at that reminder. "I wanted to be with you too, but I was scared." I looked out the window. "I'm not cut out to be a mate. I told you that, but you didn't listen to me. Well here I am, screwing everything up before we even make it official." I wiped the tears off my cheeks and sighed.
"Susan, look at me." I did, hesita
ntly. His face had relaxed some and his eyes held their usual warmth again. "What I want to know is; if you want to be with me then why have you been acting so stiff lately? You're not the same woman I met six months ago."
"I'm trying to act like a mate," I said baffled by his question.
He grinned slightly which puzzled me even more. "So you think a mate doesn't have fun," He stated.
"Well, not exactly," I retorted.
"Okay, what is your definition of the perfect mate?"
I blew out a breath and sat back looking up at the ceiling of the car. "Well, I think my mom made the perfect mate. She was always calm and professional, but also sweet and kind. I loved her very much, but I've never been like her. I've always been brash and temperamental. Traveling is my passion and I'm lucky I got to see some of the world before I found my mate. I know I have to change Paul."
I looked at him pleading with my eyes for him to understand. "I'm trying so hard to be your mate, but I'm obviously failing miserably. Please give me another chance to make you happy." My breath caught in my throat and a sob escaped. "Please, Paul, I love you."
I broke down. Suppressing who I was for two months had not been a good thing. I cried and sobbed so much the outside world became nonexistent for me. I didn't hear or feel Paul trying to comfort me. All I could feel was my grief. I cried for my parents, my friends and their families. I cried for all the families of my old pack. Soon I would add Paul to the list of those I grieved over. He wouldn't be dying soon like the others, but he was going to leave me. I sobbed harder at the thought of not having him with me anymore. I loved him so much and I was messing it up. I thought about how I was no longer me; I was a shell of who I used to be. I couldn't keep up this charade any longer and hopefully Paul would understand.
I don't know how long I cried but when my tears finally stopped I was surprised to see I was curled in Paul's lap in the passenger seat of his car. He was holding me close rubbing circles over my back. I lifted my head and saw the mess of mascara and tears all over his jacket. "I'm sorry," I said meaning for more than just the suit.
