I’ve always gotten along great with my parents. They’re great, even though they were always smiling in the house and nothing was ever wrong. It could have been worse. They could have been assholes. Between full time smiles or assholes, I guess I would have to pick the smiles. The truth is, our house was pretty sterile, but my parents did the best they could, despite always covering true emotions. Victoria wonders how I got so kinky when I was never abused or molested. I tell her I was born that way. I always like a dark side: Yin and Yang. It’s all a balance. I’m wired differently than cheerleaders or librarians or my family.
--- WEDNESDAY MARCH 21 --- After yoga
Today was the day I expected Regina back at yoga. But she didn’t come. Just like the last time. I kept watching the clock, etc. We finished class and she never showed. Just then, she came in as everyone was filing out. “Meg!” she called out. I turned to see her standing there… with Tucker. “I couldn’t make class tonight (making secret eye gesture to indicate it was because of Tucker). “Tucker, this is my new friend Meg,” she said. I shook the 9-year-old’s hand. He was really sweet.
“I wanted to get these to you and felt bad that I kept them so long”, she said, handing over Macy’s bag containing my boots. “Oh, you didn’t have to do that. I could have waited. But thanks” I said, somewhat disappointed. Then I slipped out of her clogs and swapped them for my boots in the bag. For some reason, I was really deflated. It was like swapping shoes was over with her; the magic had passed. I put my boots on. Suddenly, she delighted and said, “They look better on you. (She paused out of not really knowing where to take this next). “Do you want to go out to ice cream with us?”
Tucker looked hopefully interested in my response. But I felt pissy and passive-aggressively wanted to punish her for standing me up all week. Even though it is completely unfair and immature to be put off by something that wasn’t personal against me at all, I just felt like being a pouty little martyr. So I told them “No thanks. I gotta get back right away.”
Poor Regina’s face visibly dropped right in front of me. “No worries, there will be other times,” she dejectedly responded, “right?” as she urged with a loaded stare. I answered her with a gentle nod, and then ended by, “It sure was nice to meet you, Tucker. You guys have fun at ice cream.” Regina gave me one last tug with her eyes. I could tell this martyrdom wasn’t really going to fly next time. They headed off.
As I was rolling up my yoga mat, Tucker came running up to me. He handed me Regina’s contact info on a slip of paper. I warmed and smiled at him with a “Thank you so much.” He ran off. When I was walking away, I heard my heels tapping on the hard floor. To me, that sounds so sexy! I started thinking how Regina’s feet had been in my boots before. For some reason, I liked that.
--- THURSDAY MARCH 22 --- Chemistry works both ways
At work, I could hardly focus. Never had an acquaintance affected me so much. We hardly knew each other. I didn’t even know her last name until Tucker handed it over last night: Regina Baker.
But you know how chemistry is chemistry? That’s what it was. There was this connection between us. I never had a friend with that much instant chemistry. I sure hope it doesn’t bomb out and turn ugly. Usually, when things go too fast, they either peter out or crash and burn. That’s happened lots of times in the past with “friends”.
One time I had this fast and furious friendship with a girl at work. I thought we were going to be best buds and I would finally have someone to hang out with besides Victoria. But when push came to shove over an incident at the office, she fucking lied and blamed me. So the sparks of chemistry flew even stronger in reverse. It was war!! In a no holds barred attack, I played the game just right so the bitch got fired in front of the whole office. You can do a lot of things, but you can never fuck me. I fight back… smarter!!
The point is, I hope the chemistry I have with Regina doesn’t show its flip side. I really don’t want to have an intense reversal. But somehow, Regina feels different. Our connection feels more sincere and deep… for all the two hours I have known her! Regina Baker, I’m going to call you right now!
Crap. She didn’t answer. Bitch! (just kidding). Still, hearing her voice on the voicemail was satisfying. I left the message: “Thanks for taking the trouble to come by the yoga studio. Tucker seems like a great kid. So sorry I couldn’t make it to ice cream. I look forward to seeing you again.” But what I really wanted to say was “Sorry I didn’t want to go to ice cream, but you are fucking with my head and I don’t want to seem like I desperately need a friend that bad… and I was pissed at you for being away from yoga.”
--- FRIDAY MARCH 23 --- A walk in the park
After work, I had a load of laundry in my arms when my phone rang. When I saw the caller I.D. my heart raced. I leapt for the phone… but didn’t answer. I didn’t want Regina to think that I was enthusiastically awaiting contact from her. Even though there is absolutely no basis for my interest in her, I never remember wanting a friend as much as I wanted it with Regina.
A few seconds later, the phone indicated a voice message had been left. Of course I listened to it right away: “Meg, this is Regina. I’m all clear from Tucker and I need to speak to you in person as soon as you are available. Please call back.” What the hell did she want? I couldn’t read her tone. Was she going to burn me? Was she going to ask for a favor? What’s with all the urgency? What’s wrong with me? Why am I acting like such an idiot?
I didn’t want to call her so I texted her to meet me at South Park, this cool little park south of Market St. that actually feels like a slice of Paris. She texted right back and said she’d see me there in a half hour. I thought, “This ought to be interesting.” I wore tennis shoes and a baggy sweatshirt to make it seem like I didn’t make a fuss about seeing her again. I really wasn’t looking forward to some kind of reverse chemistry dismissal.
I arrived at the park first. About two minutes later, I see Regina pulling right up on an electric Vespa. I could tell right away it was electric. There is no sound. Duh.
But more importantly, what most people don’t know about me is that I have a very strong mechanical mind. Growing up, my dad would be home for two weeks, then away for two weeks flying his trips. But when he was home, he used to teach me everything about tools and equipment. Together we rebuilt his beat-up old Triumph TR-4 from the ground up. We turned it into a showpiece over the course of two years. I learned everything about cars. We used to have to go to the junkyard all the time to hunt for parts and remove them ourselves.
So, it only took me about a second to see that Regina’s Vespa was electric. My first thought was, “that is so cool.” My second thought was, “Of course, what else would a vegetarian drive besides an electric Vespa.” She looked really great on it and it fit her.
She pulled up right into this shaft of light, parked, and then pulled off her helmet. Her hair spilled out like root beer and she radiated in the backlighting like she was in a commercial!
After getting off her bike, we did a little hug and I gestured for us to take a stroll. As we walked around the tiny park, the conversation basically went like this:
ME
So what’s going on that you had to meet right away?
REGINA
You’re going to think I’m crazy. But I swear I have never done this before in my life! I have never taken a liking to someone so instantly with such a strong connection as with you.
ME
(Playing it cool)
Yeah, It seems like we really click. I’ve always wanted a friendship to be easy and mutual. But frankly, I have this fear that we might hate each other in a couple weeks.
(We both laugh)
So, why are we meeting? What did you want to say?
Regina turned really deep.
REGINA
(Embarrassed)
I… want to do something with you.
ME
(Trying to grasp it)
&n
bsp; “Do something with me?” Like what?
REGINA
I don’t know.
ME
Well you must have some idea? I mean, we could go for tea, go shopping together, go to the to see Les Misérables, or I could just throw you in the back of my trunk and drive around for no reason. What did you have in mind?
REGINA
Anything. I would want to do anything.
ME
Ok. The trunk it is!
An odd look rushed over her face that meant she thought I was serious. I quickly let out my laugh to reassure her that it was pun. She laughed along with me for a beat and then the conversation continued:
REGINA
Do you want the same thing?
ME
To do something with you? Sure. I really think you are amazing; I’m intrigued by you. It’s strange. If you added up all the time we have shared with each other, it would only total a few hours in yoga class together. Not to be blunt, but you’re not asking me on a “date” are you? Because I’m…
REGINA
You’re not gay.
ME
Right.
REGINA
Me neither!!! . I have never dated a woman or even thought about it. Like I said, I have never done this or felt this way. I don’t know what came over me. But yeah, I guess I’m maybe thinking of… a date… just for fun.
Then this whole range of feelings came over me. First off, I was flattered. Everybody wants to be loved. It felt good. Then, I was frustrated and a little angry. I didn’t want to be put on the spot and I also saw our new “friendship” collapsing at that very second forever. It fit with my idea of “too fast, too fragile”.
ME
I’m totally straight. Besides, what would be the point? We are in different stages of our lives. I’m 26 and in career mode. You are a full 12 years older than me and have a kid to be concerned with. So even if we went on a date, it would be a dead end. How about we just do something fun together and see where the friendship goes?
REGINA
I can’t believe myself. You must think I’m a psycho!
ME
It was a tad unexpected. We’re total strangers. But I must admit, you are the most stunning 38 year old I have ever seen. You’re beautiful! The thing is, I can’t just change my sexual orientation like flipping a switch. Sorry.
Regina looked crushed. I started feeling like the bad guy and didn’t like it.
ME
(Escalating resentment)
I’m sorry. I really want to “like” you, but I’m not wired that way. And that’s another thing, I’m not even wired straight the right way. My relationships have always fizzled. I’m wired differently. My sexuality is twisted. That’s how I’m wired.
REGINA
(Coming out of her dejection a bit)
What does that mean, “twisted?”
ME
Never mind. I gotta go.
(Then I made the mistake of shooting her some solid eye contact)
REGINA
(Awkward pause)
Wait. There’s something dark about you; I have it too. Don’t you feel it?
ME
(I grabbed her helmet and put it on her head)
The best thing you can do is get out of here before any damage happens to our new friendship.
REGINA
You do feel it! Busted!
ME
(I started blushing at the truth of it!)
We don’t even know each other.
REGINA
C’mon. What do I have to do to make this “date” happen? It will be totally platonic. It’s not going to kill you. No harm, no foul. I’ll do anything! Anything. I’ll take you shopping or to the movies. I’ll wash your dishes. Anything.
ME
My dishes? Now you’re talking! But seriously, we’d better keep it at yoga and coffee.
And I turned and walked away. After a moment, I saw her drive off on her vegetarian Vespa. I knew that things were going too fast to be real. Fuck.
But then about a minute later when I was unlocking my car, she came speeding back up. She looked me square in the eye with a troubled expression and said, “I’ve never worn another woman’s boots before.” And she sped off. I must admit, if any parting shot had the force to reach me, it would be that exact line! I played poker face and pretended not to be affected in the least. Fuck her. She is clearly unstable!
It’s really awkward now. I don’t know how to be around her.
Later on, I skipped yoga class. I wasn’t in the head space to deal with her. I figured I would have to change to an entirely different yoga studio. It pissed me off because everything was great and I loved that class. Why should I be the one that has to change my life when she was the one who blew it? Whatever. I really needed a little breather. She might have skipped it too for all I know. Who cares?
--- SATURDAY MARCH 24 --- The most intense day of my life
Just when you think you have yourself all figured out, some joker comes along and turns everything on its head. Thanks, Regina.
Victoria called today. She wanted to go out for drinks. But I wasn’t in the mood. She’ll be fine. I’ll catch up with her another time.
Now what am I supposed to do today? I feel lazy and unmotivated. I tried watching a movie on Netflix, but after scrolling through the list for 20 minutes back and forth, I finally gave up on the idea. None of the films sounded any good or I had already seen them. What a waste of a Saturday.
So I started vacuuming. That’s always therapeutic for some reason. I like the way it looks afterward with the indentation lines in the carpet. When I was putting the vacuum away, I noticed my pile of dishes in the sink. It only took about two seconds until I heard Regina’s voice in my head saying, “I’ll wash your dishes.” Really? Fine. Let’s put her to the test.
Against my better judgment, like putting out a fire with gasoline, I picked up the phone and called Regina. I was literally shaking out of nerves. But I stiffened up when she answered. She answered in a sweet voice, as if the whole park incident had never happened. Masking my emotions, I put it out there, “Are you really serious about washing my dishes?” She melted in her tone. “If you’re serious, I’ll prove to you I don’t want anything from you other than your company. I can be there in an hour.” “Fine,” I said matter-of-factly. “But you are literally only going to wash my dishes.” She eagerly snapped, ”That’s all I want to do. I’ll wash them and you can just relax visit with me… or read a book!” And that was that. Why was I setting myself up for insane and unnecessary drama?
When she hung up, I wondered why it would take her an hour to get here when her house is only 10 minutes away. I was nervous that she would take that time to primp so she could impress me. But she would be beautiful wearing a burlap sack. She’s one of those women with a natural glow, no matter what.
One hour later came a knock at the door. I was a nervous wreck. There was this odd tension in my soul. It was really strange and unexpected for someone who has always been straight to be suddenly nervous about having a female guest over. Was she really going to wash my dishes or just try to engage me in persuasive conversation about developing a relationship? What have I gotten myself into? Shit.
When I opened the door. She stuck out her hand to shake mine. She was already wearing blue rubber dish gloves!! “Good afternoon, Ma’am. I’m here to wash your dishes.” she cheerily played. I looked at her and tried not to laugh, playing along and pointing her to the kitchen without saying a single word. She marched right over there and started right in on the dishes like she was a trained professional house cleaner. She was washing my dishes! Not knowing whether or not to make small talk, I decided to just ignore her. I watched her for a bit in amazement, then left the kitchen to get away from the awkwardness. But occasionally, I would sneak back and peek at her.
Sure enough, there she was washing the dishes. She was very thorough
. The whole mood was professional, but she was clearly enjoying it and very committed. She must be fucking crazy.
But if I had been the type to like women, she certainly had the figure for it. Her yoga body was really appealing from the back. She never said a word or asked for anything. When the dishes were spotless and she was putting the last one away, I walked up to her from behind and, for some reason that felt like it was outside of me, grabbed her chin and turned her face directly toward mine. And in a cold voice that also didn’t sound like myself, I told her, “Thank you for doing the dishes. Next, I need you to clean out the entire fridge.”
I guess I was sort of testing her to see what her limits were and if doing chores would grow old really fast. But she warmed and said, “I’d love to clean the fridge. I’ll do the best I can.” Then I walked away, not really sure what the hell was going on there. But heck, she said she wanted to wash the dishes and that’s exactly what she did. Then, jumping on to her next task, she started the fridge.
I sat across the kitchen on a bar stool watching in amazement. She had no trouble making executive decisions about which stuff to throw away and which to keep. She pretended to ignore the fact that I was sitting right there in the kitchen watching her. She just did her business like I was invisible. I think she was somehow turned on by it all. I watched her for a full 38 minutes. This was so trippy. But it was affecting me too. It’s insane, but I was starting to get a little turned on watching her bend up and down, cleaning the fridge in silence under my stare. And the more I watched, the more I found myself getting excited. Some strange woman was in my house doing chores and ignoring me.
Finally, I couldn’t take it and I had an idea… again, outside of my normal realm of personality. In that same unemotional voice, I told her “That’s enough of cleaning the fridge. Now wash your hands and come up stairs.” She shot me a look like “I will give you anything”. I went upstairs to my bedroom and sat on my bed against a big pillow. A moment later, Regina entered.
Owning Regina: Diary of my unxpected passion for another woman Page 3
