The Lamplighter

by Charles Dickens

letters in ’em, or at best that he had got furtherthan words in one syllable; but Tom, not minding this (for he was inspirits after the Madeira), looks with an agreeable air towards the youngladies, and, kissing his hand to both, says to the old gentleman, “Whichis which?”

  ‘“This,” says the old gentleman, leading out the handsomest, if one of’em could possibly be said to be handsomer than the other—“this is myniece, Miss Fanny Barker.”

  ‘“If you’ll permit me, Miss,” says Tom, “being a noble stranger and afavourite of the planets, I will conduct myself as such.” With thesewords, he kisses the young lady in a very affable way, turns to the oldgentleman, slaps him on the back, and says, “When’s it to come off, mybuck?”

  ‘The young lady coloured so deep, and her lip trembled so much,gentlemen, that Tom really thought she was going to cry. But she kepther feelings down, and turning to the old gentleman, says, “Dear uncle,though you have the absolute disposal of my hand and fortune, and thoughyou mean well in disposing of ’em thus, I ask you whether you don’t thinkthis is a mistake? Don’t you think, dear uncle,” she says, “that thestars must be in error? Is it not possible that the comet may have put’em out?”

  ‘“The stars,” says the old gentleman, “couldn’t make a mistake if theytried. Emma,” he says to the other young lady.

  ‘“Yes, papa,” says she.

  ‘“The same day that makes your cousin Mrs. Grig will unite you to thegifted Mooney. No remonstrance—no tears. Now, Mr. Grig, let me conductyou to that hallowed ground, that philosophical retreat, where my friendand partner, the gifted Mooney of whom I have just now spoken, is evennow pursuing those discoveries which shall enrich us with the preciousmetal, and make us masters of the world. Come, Mr. Grig,” he says.

  ‘“With all my heart, Sir,” replies Tom; “and luck to the gifted Mooney,say I—not so much on his account as for our worthy selves!” With thissentiment, Tom kissed his hand to the ladies again, and followed him out;having the gratification to perceive, as he looked back, that they wereall hanging on by the arms and legs of Galileo Isaac Newton Flamstead, toprevent him from following the noble stranger, and tearing him to pieces.

  ‘Gentlemen, Tom’s father-in-law that was to be, took him by the hand, andhaving lighted a little lamp, led him across a paved court-yard at theback of the house, into a very large, dark, gloomy room: filled with allmanner of bottles, globes, books, telescopes, crocodiles, alligators, andother scientific instruments of every kind. In the centre of this roomwas a stove or furnace, with what Tom called a pot, but which in myopinion was a crucible, in full boil. In one corner was a sort of ladderleading through the roof; and up this ladder the old gentleman pointed,as he said in a whisper:

  ‘“The observatory. Mr. Mooney is even now watching for the precise timeat which we are to come into all the riches of the earth. It will benecessary for he and I, alone in that silent place, to cast your nativitybefore the hour arrives. Put the day and minute of your birth on thispiece of paper, and leave the rest to me.”

  ‘“You don’t mean to say,” says Tom, doing as he was told and giving himback the paper, “that I’m to wait here long, do you? It’s a preciousdismal place.”

  ‘“Hush!” says the old gentleman. “It’s hallowed ground. Farewell!”

  ‘“Stop a minute,” says Tom. “What a hurry you’re in! What’s in thatlarge bottle yonder?”

  ‘“It’s a child with three heads,” says the old gentleman; “and everythingelse in proportion.”

  ‘“Why don’t you throw him away?” says Tom. “What do you keep suchunpleasant things here for?”

  ‘“Throw him away!” cries the old gentleman. “We use him constantly inastrology. He’s a charm.”

  ‘“I shouldn’t have thought it,” says Tom, “from his appearance. _Must_you go, I say?”

  ‘The old gentleman makes him no answer, but climbs up the ladder in agreater bustle than ever. Tom looked after his legs till there wasnothing of him left, and then sat down to wait; feeling (so he used tosay) as comfortable as if he was going to be made a freemason, and theywere heating the pokers.

  ‘Tom waited so long, gentlemen, that he began to think it must be gettingon for midnight at least, and felt more dismal and lonely than ever hehad done in all his life. He tried every means of whiling away the time,but it never had seemed to move so slow. First, he took a nearer view ofthe child with three heads, and thought what a comfort it must have beento his parents. Then he looked up a long telescope which was pointed outof the window, but saw nothing particular, in consequence of the stopperbeing on at the other end. Then he came to a skeleton in a glass case,labelled, “Skeleton of a Gentleman—prepared by Mr. Mooney,”—which madehim hope that Mr. Mooney might not be in the habit of preparing gentlementhat way without their own consent. A hundred times, at least, he lookedinto the pot where they were boiling the philosopher’s stone down to theproper consistency, and wondered whether it was nearly done. “When itis,” thinks Tom, “I’ll send out for six-penn’orth of sprats, and turn ’eminto gold fish for a first experiment.” Besides which, he made up hismind, gentlemen, to have a country-house and a park; and to plant a bitof it with a double row of gas-lamps a mile long, and go out every nightwith a French-polished mahogany ladder, and two servants in livery behindhim, to light ’em for his own pleasure.

  ‘At length and at last, the old gentleman’s legs appeared upon the stepsleading through the roof, and he came slowly down: bringing along withhim, the gifted Mooney. This Mooney, gentlemen, was even more scientificin appearance than his friend; and had, as Tom often declared upon hisword and honour, the dirtiest face we can possibly know of, in thisimperfect state of existence.

  ‘Gentlemen, you are all aware that if a scientific man isn’t absent inhis mind, he’s of no good at all. Mr. Mooney was so absent, that whenthe old gentleman said to him, “Shake hands with Mr. Grig,” he put outhis leg. “Here’s a mind, Mr. Grig!” cries the old gentleman in arapture. “Here’s philosophy! Here’s rumination! Don’t disturb him,” hesays, “for this is amazing!”

  ‘Tom had no wish to disturb him, having nothing particular to say; but hewas so uncommonly amazing, that the old gentleman got impatient, anddetermined to give him an electric shock to bring him to—“for you mustknow, Mr. Grig,” he says, “that we always keep a strongly chargedbattery, ready for that purpose.” These means being resorted to,gentlemen, the gifted Mooney revived with a loud roar, and he no soonercame to himself than both he and the old gentleman looked at Tom withcompassion, and shed tears abundantly.

  ‘“My dear friend,” says the old gentleman to the Gifted, “prepare him.”

  ‘“I say,” cries Tom, falling back, “none of that, you know. No preparingby Mr. Mooney if you please.”

  ‘“Alas!” replies the old gentleman, “you don’t understand us. My friend,inform him of his fate.—I can’t.”

  ‘The Gifted mustered up his voice, after many efforts, and informed Tomthat his nativity had been carefully cast, and he would expire at exactlythirty-five minutes, twenty-seven seconds, and five-sixths of a secondpast nine o’clock, a.m., on that day two months.

  ‘Gentlemen, I leave you to judge what were Tom’s feelings at thisannouncement, on the eve of matrimony and endless riches. “I think,” hesays in a trembling voice, “there must be a mistake in the working ofthat sum. Will you do me the favour to cast it up again?”—“There is nomistake,” replies the old gentleman, “it is confirmed by Francis Moore,Physician. Here is the prediction for to-morrow two months.” And heshowed him the page, where sure enough were these words—“The decease of agreat person may be looked for, about this time.”

  ‘“Which,” says the old gentleman, “is clearly you, Mr. Grig.”

  ‘“Too clearly,” cries Tom, sinking into a chair, and giving one hand tothe old gentleman, and one to the Gifted. “The orb of day has set onThomas Grig for ever!”

  ‘At this affecting remark, the Gif
ted shed tears again, and the other twomingled their tears with his, in a kind—if I may use the expression—ofMooney and Co.’s entire. But the old gentleman recovering first,observed that this was only a reason for hastening the marriage, in orderthat Tom’s distinguished race might be transmitted to posterity; andrequesting the Gifted to console Mr. Grig during his temporary absence,he withdrew to settle the preliminaries with his niece immediately.

  ‘And now, gentlemen, a very extraordinary and remarkable occurrence tookplace; for as Tom sat in a melancholy way in one chair, and the Giftedsat in a melancholy way in another, a couple of doors were thrownviolently open, the two young ladies rushed in, and one knelt down in aloving attitude at Tom’s feet, and the other at the Gifted’s. So far,perhaps, as Tom was concerned—as he used to say—you will say there wasnothing strange in this: but you will be of a different opinion when youunderstand that Tom’s young lady was kneeling to the Gifted, and theGifted’s young lady was kneeling to Tom.

  ‘“Halloa! stop a minute!” cries Tom; “here’s a mistake. I need