by Holly Jacobs
“No. I just want to say this.”
“Hayden, you’re scaring me.”
“Bri, I’m pregnant.”
He didn’t know what to say, how to feel. He didn’t need to ask if it was his. Why else would Hayden be here?
He’d felt guilty about that night in Philadelphia, but now? That one irresponsible night had messed up all Hayden’s plans. It was going to change everything for her. He didn’t have to ask if she was keeping it. He didn’t have to ask anything at all.
“We’ll get married.” The words were out before he thought about them, but the minute he said them, he knew it was the right solution and waited for Hayden to agree.
When she didn’t say anything, he said it again. “We’ll get married and I’ll come back home. It’ll be all right, Hayden.”
She was silent another moment, then quietly asked, “Do you love me, Bri? Are you in love with me?”
“I do love you, but—”
She shook her head. “That but says it all. I love you, too, but I won’t marry you.”
That’s not what he’d expected her to say. “Then I’ll simply move home and convince you. I’ll just keep asking until you say yes.”
“No.”
“Hayden.” When his father had left his mom, he’d left Brian, as well. Brian couldn’t have a child and not be part of his or her life. How could Hayden not see that?
“No,” she repeated. “I didn’t come here to bring you home, to make you marry me. Actually, it’s the opposite. I came to convince you to stay here. I wanted to assure you that I’ll do whatever I can so that you’re a part of the baby’s life.”
“You’re right. I will be because—”
“Brian, Kathleen told me about this governor’s appointment. You can’t walk away from that. I don’t want you to give up what you’ve worked so hard for. You can do so much good here.”
“I belong there. With you.”
“If you move home, then I’ll move out.”
She said the words with such finality that Brian didn’t doubt her. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he realized Hayden didn’t want him. “Hayden, I can’t leave you to go through this on your own.”
“I’m not on my own. Kathleen’s beyond excited.”
“You told her already?” He knew it shouldn’t, but knowing she hadn’t come to him first hurt. She’d turned to his mother before she’d turned to him.
“Yes. And when she told me the first thing you’d do is propose, I told her I wouldn’t marry you. It might be selfish, but I want it all, Brian. I want a man who’s madly in love with me, who can’t live without me. I don’t want to be anybody’s obligation. I won’t do that to me, to you or to our baby.”
He didn’t know what to say, how to make her see that she’d never be merely an obligation to him. “Hayden.”
“I’ll ask again, are you in love with me?”
“I don’t know how to answer that. I love you. You’re my best friend. You’re a big part of my life.”
“I think you’ve answered it, and my answer is no. Everything’s going to be fine, Brian. I won’t marry you.”
He tried to think of some assurance she’d accept, but he couldn’t quite get his thoughts together.
She waited a moment, then continued. “I mean it, I don’t want you moving home.
“Kathleen and I have it all sorted. I’m working nights, she’ll work days. The baby won’t have to go into daycare. She’s on our side.”
“She’s on your side. If she were on my side, she’d be helping me figure out how to convince you to marry me.” That stung, too. It felt as if suddenly he was being pushed out of the family, that he’d become an outsider.
“Bri, this baby will have both its parents. I swear, I’ll never do anything to keep you from being a part of the baby’s life. Stay here, serve on your committee. Help all the kids who didn’t have Conways down the street to take them in. I’ll do everything I possibly can to facilitate your relationship with our child. I swear it. But I can’t marry you.”
His confusion was clearing and in its place was anger. “Won’t marry me. I know I can’t make you, but I’m moving home and will try and make you see sense.”
“Brian, don’t. I mean it, I’d move.”
“Hayden.”
“Brian, you can do so much good here.”
“You need me there.” He said the words as a statement, but it was more of a question. He wanted Hayden to assure him that she did need him. That she couldn’t go through this pregnancy without him.
But instead, she said, “The truth of it is, I don’t. I have things in hand. I couldn’t not tell you about the baby, but I didn’t tell you in order to elicit your pity, or some sense of duty. Like I said, stay here. You’ve built a life, you have a girlfriend—”
“She’s not a girlfriend. She’s just a friend.”
“If the way she was looking at you is any indication, a friend who could be more. I don’t want you to give up someone who might be really good for you, Brian.”
“Being a full-time father might be really good for me. I want to be a part of this baby’s life.”
“A baby you didn’t know existed until a few minutes ago.”
“Hayden, I want to be part of my baby’s life.”
“You can be as much a part as you want. If it would make you rest easier, I’ll see a lawyer and have papers drawn up saying exactly that. You’ll be as active in this baby’s life as you want to be.”
He knew he had no choice but to acquiesce. He’d known Hayden long enough that there would be no fighting her once her mind was made up. He’d keep trying to persuade her that she needed him, that she should marry him, but her expression said he wouldn’t get very far. “You’re sure?”
“Positive.” It was as if a door had slammed shut. “Oh, and Bri, you should hear her plans. Your mom’s been racing a mile-a-minute since I gave her the news. She’s champing at the bit. She wants to clean out the room today, order the furniture tomorrow. I haven’t seen her look so good since before the cancer.”
Brian listened to Hayden recounting all his mother’s plans and knew somehow he could have been there, could have been a part of it, if only he’d been able to find the right argument, the right words to convince her they should marry.
He was stung that Hayden so clearly didn’t want him. She’d made plans and worked everything out without him.
He was going to be a father.
But not a husband.
Chapter 5
The driver hit the brakes and the van stopped abruptly. Kathleen winced in pain and Hayden squeezed her hands in sympathy. She was struck by how small they were. And cold.
So cold.
She adjusted the blanket on Kathleen’s lap, then cupped both her hands in hers.
Brian leaned forward from his seat on the bench, and said, “We just turned onto Briar Hill Road, Mom.”
Hayden glanced out the small window and saw the street unfold. It had changed so much over the years. Dirt had given way to tar and chip, and that had long since given way to paving. Houses filled what had once been empty lots. Trees that had been saplings when she was younger, had grown and now lent the neighborhood a feeling of establishment. Even though they’d long since shed their leaves, they stood sentinel, a reminder that winter would pass; that the cold would end and hotter temperatures would one day come again.
But as Hayden tried to will Kathleen’s icy hands warm, she knew that spring wouldn’t come for all of them and the thought brought a stab of pain. Hayden was growing accustomed to that particular sensation and almost welcomed it, because if she hurt, at least she knew she could still feel. It was better than the numbness that seemed to envelop her the rest of the time.
She watched as the transport van pulled into the driveway. The house hadn’t changed nearly as much as the neighborhood had. Kathleen had put a new roof on two years ago. The black and green shingles seemed to bring a breath of freshness to t
he house. But other than that, and an occasional new coat of paint, it looked the same as it did the first time she’d knocked on the door.
The van came to a standstill.
Brian wordlessly started to unbuckle Kathleen’s wheelchair and Hayden helped as the driver opened the door and set up the lift.
As Kathleen was lowered to the drive, it occurred to Hayden that this was it. Kathleen wouldn’t be leaving the house again.
Brian’s expression said he was having similar hard and painful thoughts.
“Bri—” Hayden got no further than his name because at that moment Olivia ran out to greet them. Hayden was struck by the fact her daughter was no longer a little girl. She was sixteen and on the verge of womanhood.
Brian leaned down and whispered, “Frightening how quick she’s growing up, isn’t it? Seems like only yesterday I was watching you run toward me from that same front door.”
“Nana.” Livie threw herself at her grandmother’s wheelchair. Hayden made a move to restrain her, to keep Livie from possibly hurting Kathleen, who was visibly tired. At the last moment, Liv slowed and with an amazing amount of tenderness, leaned over and hugged her grandmother. Her auburn curls falling over Kathleen’s shoulder, draping her.
From the house, a woman approached them. Small, squat, built like a linebacker, she waddled up to the group and knelt, so she was eye level with the wheelchair. “Hi, Kathleen.”
She stood and added, “Hayden, Brian.” All business, the woman took control of the wheelchair, pushing it toward the makeshift ramp that led into the house.
There was nothing left to do but thank the driver and follow.
“You’re sure she’s who we want?” Brian asked.
Hayden could understand his concern. Marti Striver didn’t look like an angel of compassion. But Hayden knew better.
1992
Hayden liked working nights. In order to attract nurses to the third shift, the hospital offered a new three-day, twelve-hour shift. That allowed Hayden four uninterrupted days with two-year-old Olivia.
It was the perfect solution.
But that wasn’t the only reason for working the night-shift. Hayden liked the quiet floor, the hushed tones, the slower pace when the daytime hustle and bustle had quieted to a mere whisper of activity.
Her soft-soled shoes made no noise as she walked down the hall, ready to make her rounds. It was especially slow tonight. She only had four children that she was responsible for, which gave her an opportunity to spend time with any of her charges who had trouble sleeping. She’d read a story here, given a cuddle there.
Kathleen had always said that the comforting part was the best medicine any nurse could give and Hayden tried to remember that.
She tiptoed into Sean Martin’s room. The ten-year-old was a favorite. He had aplastic anemia and needed frequent transfusions, which made him a repeat visitor to the floor. Since his initial diagnosis, his disease had progressed to leukemia, and Hayden knew there wasn’t much time left for him. Children with aplastic anemia rarely lived beyond the age of seventeen. Because Sean was still so young, they’d hoped he’d have a few more good years, but that wasn’t to be.
That knowledge, losing a favorite patient, was one of the hardest parts of her job. Her kids all touched her, but some more than others. Sean was one of those more-than patients. His crooked smile and eternal optimism endeared him to anyone who knew him.
She opened his door and found an unfamiliar woman in the room. The woman put a finger to her lips and walked into the hall without looking back, just assuming Hayden would follow.
She sized Hayden up, then nodded, as if she’d approved of whatever she’d seen. She held out her hand. “Marti Striver.”
“Hayden MacNulty.” She gave the woman a questioning look.
“I’m with hospice. Sean had a bad day and his mother was exhausted and went home for a rest. I promised to stay with him while she was gone.”
“How bad a day?”
“It won’t be long.”
Hayden knew she should be hardened to these harsh truths. Nurses were trained to maintain their emotional distance. But she wasn’t hardened, and had never mastered maintaining any kind of distance from her patients, particularly a sweetie like Sean.
“Are they taking him home?”
Marti shook her head. “They have a houseful of kids and don’t think it would work. Between you and me, I don’t think his mother can deal with watching him die.”
“You’re right, I was with her last night. She’s a basket case.” Hayden heard the derision in her voice and knew it sounded unsympathetic.
Before she could add anything to soften the comment, Marti said, “Everyone deals with pain in a different way. When you’ve been nursing a little longer, you’ll recognize that. Some people shut down, some rage, some fight, some cut off everyone and some are just basket cases. His mom’s doing the best she can, trying to keep it all together for him, for the other kids and for her husband. She can meltdown with us, with the medical staff, because we’re safe. We don’t need or demand anything from her, so she can let go of her defenses.”
Hayden felt a flood of embarrassment. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like it sounded.”
Marti laughed. “Don’t apologize. I’ve dealt with more than my share of pain-in-the-ass families and patients, though more often than not it’s the families who are the biggest pains. But I try to remember the nurse’s three c’s. I don’t always manage, but I do try.”
“Three c’s?”
“Caring, comfort, curing. We can’t always manage the cure, but the other two…” She smiled and glanced at the door. “I’d best get back in.”
“I have to check the chart and then make the rest of my rounds. But afterward, can I bring you something?”
“Coffee would be nice. I’ll confess, I’m addicted. My husband keeps trying to wean me onto herbal teas, but it’s like drinking hot, colored water.”
Hayden laughed. And though they’d only chatted about coffee and the occupation they shared, Hayden sensed something about the feisty woman…she was all heart.
Hayden watched Marti wheel Kathleen into the house, Livie trailing closely behind them.
Hayden turned and nodded at Brian. “Yes, I’m absolutely sure Marti is the one we want. She’s an acquaintance of your mom’s—close enough to be familiar, but not so close that intimate care will be embarrassing. You’ll learn to love her. Everyone does.”
For a moment, she thought he was going to reach out and take her hand. But the feeling passed. They both walked toward the porch, side by side, worlds apart.
Marti had told her so many years ago that everyone dealt with pain in their own way. Hayden had seen it for herself. Some couples came together, united in their circumstance, supporting each other, strengthening each other.
And some people cut themselves off from those they loved. She recognized that she and Brian were doing just that. Each of them pulling back from the other, struggling alone with the pain. Hayden wished she could make herself—make Brian—respond differently, but the awful truth was, she didn’t know how. And she no longer had the energy to figure it out.
She followed Brian into the house, knowing that once she entered, nothing would ever be the same.
Chapter 6
Brian watched Hayden and the hospice nurse…
What was her name?
Marti, that was it. Marti Stover, or Striver. Something like that. She reminded him of a Volkswagen Beetle.
Short, round, but dependable.
Marti and Hayden settled his mother into the hospital bed that had been delivered just yesterday. Already the room seemed foreign. The bed and other medical accouterments made it feel as if a slice of the hospital had been transplanted into their house.
Into their home.
It pissed him off, though he wasn’t sure why. He knew the equipment, from the bed with the weird air mattress, to the portable toilet, would make things easier for his mom and Hayden. B
ut simply looking at the room made him feel a sense of impotent rage.
It even had that slightly metallic smell he’d come to associate with the hospital over the last few months. He couldn’t grasp how Hayden had stood working in conditions like this, night after night, year after year. Dealing with the smells and the horror of watching people suffer.
She was efficient as she worked with Marti, arranging his mom. Neither seemed bothered that they were putting his mother into a bed that, in all likelihood, she’d die in.
Die?
A world without his mother?
Brian had never thought of himself as a mama’s boy. But since her illness had come back, he’d begun to realize how much he counted on her.
Even during the years when he lived on the other side of the country, he’d known his mother was only a phone call away. She’d watched over Hayden and Olivia when he wasn’t there. And when he’d come home every month, she was waiting, smiling, as happy to see him as he’d been to see her.
Those times had been filled with tension and recriminations—not from his mom, Hayden or even Livie.
After Hayden had come to tell him she was pregnant, that they were going to have a baby, he’d wanted nothing more than to come home. It hurt a lot to know that Hayden didn’t want or need him there.
Whenever he thought of those years, what he remembered the most was being torn. Pulled between his life in California, and his life in Pennsylvania. He’d known his position on the child-welfare committee had made a difference to the kids in California, but at the expense of the one child he wanted to be with the most—Olivia.
If that wasn’t enough, he’d had to deal with Lisa….
1993
“Don’t go.”
The window was open, allowing a brisk Pacific wind to billow the curtains, blowing the scent of the city into the room. California was supposed to be a paradise. He tried to remember that, but sometimes it was easy to forget when he started longing for home.
His position on the governor’s advisory committee had led to his paid position on the governor’s staff as the Child Welfare Director. He was having an even greater say in California’s policies. But no matter how often he reminded himself of the fact, it didn’t stop him from feeling as if he had let down Hayden and his daughter. He should have insisted he and Hayden marry and that he should return home, despite Hayden’s threats that she’d leave.
