by Holly Jacobs
It’s what Kathleen would have done.
And, although she couldn’t walk away from her mother’s needs, she did feel a twinge of resentment from time to time.
Today was one of those times.
She got her purse and went out to the car, leaning over to the driver’s window. “Sorry, guys. I got a call from the nursing home. Why don’t you all go for the ice cream, and I’ll see about my mother.”
“Problems?” Brian asked.
She’d never spoken to him of her mother and the decision last year to move her into a home. She’d never told him about the month of paper work, getting her mother into the medicaid program in order to pay for it. She didn’t talk about her mother any more than she absolutely had to.
Her mom was in the residential part of the facility, in a safe, supervised setting. All her needs were cared for. And she hated every minute of it. It had taken a third-degree burn from a small kitchen fire and a judge to get her somewhere safe.
“No new problems, just the same old, same old.” At his worried expression, she added, “I can handle it.”
Kathleen leaned up from the backseat. “Hayden, why don’t we go with you?”
“No.” Hayden had tried taking Livie there once, thinking her mother would enjoy seeing her granddaughter, and it had been a debacle. She wouldn’t put anyone else through it. “I don’t know how long it will take.”
“We’ll wait,” Brian said firmly.
“But—”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna go without you. Daddy was telling me about his trip ’cross the country. He was talking about the lake salt—”
“Salt Lake,” Brian corrected.
Livie nodded. “And he’s going to show me a map when we get back. He can just tell me more stories until you’re done. Please?”
Hayden softened. She could see that it was important to Livie to have them all together and gave in like the soft touch Kathleen always accused her of being. “Fine. If you all are sure you don’t mind waiting in the car. But do you mind stopping at the doughnut store first?”
“Doughnuts and ice cream?” Brian looked puzzled.
“It’s not for us,” Livie said. “When Mommy’s mom is mean, she takes treats in for the nurses. She says she’s had patients like her mom and feels bad for the nurses. She wants them to know she app…”
“Appreciates,” Hayden filled in.
“Appreciates,” Livie repeated. “Spell it.”
“A-p-p-r-e-c-i-a-t-e-s,” Brian said.
“A-p-p-r-e-c-i-a-t-e-s,” Livie echoed, then nodded. “Mommy wants them to know she appreciates them.”
Brian agreed. “Doughnuts it is, then. Let’s go.”
Olivia chattered during the entire ride. Telling her father about her school class, about her ballet classes…about everything. Most of the information he’d heard during their nightly conversations, but he listened again, “oohing” and “ahhing” at the appropriate moments.
They let Hayden out at the doughnut store, and after she’d bought her treats for the nursing staff, they drove the last couple minutes to the home. Hayden got out with two dozen doughnuts in hand.
“Listen, why don’t you all go get your ice cream, then come back and pick me up?” she tried again.
“We’ll wait.” Brian looked stubborn.
“Fine. I’ll hurry.” To be honest, she’d have hurried regardless. Visiting her mother wasn’t the highlight of any particular day. Consumed by alcoholism, Jeri MacNulty had been disinterested since day one. So after years of not having anything to do with her mother, Hayden now bore responsibility for her healthcare needs. There was no one else. And despite the fact that her mother never cared for her, Hayden couldn’t bring herself to turn away.
When she was honest with herself, she admitted that she wanted to do exactly that, turn away. There were times that she felt as if she was going to boil over with hurt and anger over the situation, but she couldn’t ignore someone in need. Not even her mother.
She found Donna at the second-floor nursing station. “I bring you bribes.” She set down the two boxes of doughnuts.
“You don’t have to keep doing this.” But even as Donna said the words, the nurse opened the lid of one of the boxes. “Cream-filled. My favorite.” She looked up at Hayden, doughnut in hand. “Like I said, you don’t have to, but thanks.”
“I do know what it’s like, so it’s my pleasure.” Hayden wished she could stay here and talk to Donna, but she knew she had to at least make an effort to check on her mother. “Is she in her room?”
“Yes. I’ll tell Corrine that you’re here.”
Suddenly, there was a loud scream from down the hall. “My mother?”
Donna nodded.
“I’ll check on her while you find Corrine.”
Hayden made her way down the hall to her mother’s room.
She might be a nurse, but she couldn’t help crinkling her nose at the smell. It wasn’t just the ripe scent of urine, it was more. Hopelessness masked by anger. It was the smell of time running out.
Though they all had rooms, many of the residents milled about the halls. Some in chairs, some in walkers, all of them waiting. Waiting for someone to visit. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting to die.
Hayden tried to smile, stopping for a word or two of hellos to those she knew, which on the surface sounded nice, but if she was honest it was just a way to delay seeing her mother.
But she reached her mom’s door and knew there was no more putting it off. Her hand on the knob, she made up her mind that this time, she was going to be sympathetic.
She opened the door.
“You.” Her mother pointed a shaky, boney finger in Hayden’s direction as she stepped into the room. “You put me here. You and that judge. They’re trying to kill me, you know, and I’m sure that’s what you’re hoping for. But I stopped that girl. She tried to do me in, but I beat her off.”
“No one is trying to kill you, and you can’t go beating on people.” Hayden moved closer to the wheelchair. “You have to try to behave.”
“Oh, don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. I’m sure you’re enjoying this. It’s your revenge, having the judge say I can’t make my own decisions and putting you in charge. First thing you do is stash me in this hellhole so you can steal all my money and gloat over my suffering.”
Hayden didn’t mention that even after selling the small brick house at the end of Briar Hill Road, there hadn’t been enough money to even begin to cover her mother’s debt. She didn’t say that she’d had to dip into her own meager savings to clear things up. She didn’t say anything at all as her mother continued raging, blaming Hayden for her current woes, for everything that had ever gone wrong in her life.
The irony that she was caring for the mother who’d never cared for her wasn’t lost on Hayden. But she just knew she couldn’t do anything less. Some might say that made her a doormat, but she preferred to think it showed she had strength of character, compassion even. At least, that’s what she told herself when she wondered for the umpteenth time, why she bothered.
“Hayden, could you come to the office?” Donna asked from the doorway.
“And her—” her mother pointed at Donna “—she’s the worst. She hates me. She wants to kill me, to keep me quiet.”
Hayden told her mother, “I’ve got to see Corrine, but I’ll come say goodbye before I leave.”
“Don’t bother. I’ll sit here in this room and rot. That’s what you want. I’ll…”
Hayden and Donna exited the room, leaving her mother to continue her tirade on her own.
“I’m so sorry,” Hayden told Donna. Since moving her mother into the home, she’d perfected the art of apologizing.
“And you don’t have to be. You haven’t done anything other than act like a concerned, caring daughter.”
Hayden didn’t admit it, but she knew the words were unwarranted. She wasn’t taking care of her mother because she genuinely cared.
The meeting with Corrine went quickly. The staff had talked about Jeri, and wanted to bring in a geriatric psychiatrist, hoping she’d have some recommendations for keeping Hayden’s mother calmer, more rational. Her mental state was deteriorating fast.
When Hayden had agreed, signed the papers and finished the short meeting, she went back down the hall to tell her mother goodbye.
“Go. Just go,” Jeri hollered.
Hayden wanted nothing more than to turn and hurry out to the car where her family, her real family, was waiting for her. But her mother chose that moment to sweep her hand across a small table, sending everything on it crashing to the floor.
Knowing her family would have to wait another minute, Hayden bent to pick up the mess.
Brian shifted around in his seat so that he could see his mother and his daughter. Livie was still animatedly telling him about everything from school to her friends.
This was the right decision. For the last five years, he’d gone back and forth between the life he’d built in California, his career and friends and his family here in Pittsburgh. When he and Lisa had finally admitted their marriage wasn’t working for reasons that had little to do with his family in Pittsburgh, and everything to do with the fact that they weren’t suited for one another, he’d known coming back here was the correct thing to do.
As Child Welfare Director, he’d helped put policies in place that he felt had made the California’s practices better, had seen to the needs of the children. There was more to be done, but he’d known it was time to leave the job to someone else.
Finally, here in the car, he felt whole rather than torn. His mom was smiling, her hand gently placed on Livie’s shoulder. His daughter looked more like his mother than she did like him and Hayden. The same red hair, the same twinkle in her blue eyes. But now, her eyes weren’t twinkling, they’d become concerned. “Daddy, be nice to Mama when she comes out. Visiting here makes her sad.”
“Sad?”
Livie nodded. “Her mom’s not a very nice lady. She yells at Mommy a lot.”
He noted that Livie never referred to Hayden’s mom as her grandmother. There was no more connection between Jeri MacNulty and Livie than there had ever been between the woman and Hayden.
“Why is Hayden here then?” he asked his mother. “Why take care of her? The woman never did anything for Hayden.”
“You know Hayden, or at least you should,” Kathleen explained softly. “She couldn’t do anything but what she’s doing. Hayden’s all heart. Her mom’s mind is getting worse every day. Physically, she’s fine.” She nodded toward Livie, and changed the topic, asking Livie if she wanted to go to the zoo on Saturday.
The contentment Brian felt watching his mother and daughter together was marred by his concern for Hayden. The minutes ticked by and when she still hadn’t come out, he said, “Let me run in and check on her.”
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” His mother’s brows were knit with concern.
But Livie didn’t seem to share it. “Yes, go tell her to hurry up so we can get our ice cream.”
Reluctantly, his mother gave him the room information. Brian made his way through a lovely lobby to the elevators and up to the appropriate floor. This was more homey than a hospital. The floors were a fake parquet. There were paintings on the walls, and residents lining the hall, with busy looking nurses and aides weaving in and out amongst them.
He turned to the hall his mother had directed him to, and heard the screaming. He followed the numbers and found Hayden’s mother’s room was the one where all the noise was coming from.
The door was open, so he walked in and saw Mrs. MacNulty sitting in a wheelchair, berating her daughter. Hayden was just standing there, her hands filled with pieces of what looked to have been a lamp.
“They’re going to kill me and you’re worried because a little lamp broke? You’re just leaving me here to die? You’ll be happy when they’ve done me in. Then you won’t have to deal with me anymore—”
“That’s enough,” Brian found himself saying as he faced Mrs. MacNulty. “How dare you speak to Hayden that way, after everything she’s done for you? Her whole life you neglected her. And despite that, she’s here, taking care of you. So don’t you dare—”
Hayden was glaring at him. “That’s enough, Brian.” She threw the pieces into the wastebasket, then turned to her mother. “You’ll be seeing a new doctor tomorrow—try to behave. I’ll be back tomorrow night before work to check on you.” She whirled on Brian. “And you, out in the hall!”
Not knowing what else to do, why she was obviously so upset, Brian followed. She shut the door behind her and backed him up to the wall. “Don’t you ever do that again.”
“What? I don’t know what I did.”
“Brian, I’m an adult. I’m not Cootie MacNulty who needs you to play white knight on the bus. I’ve coped with everything life has thrown at me, and I’ll cope with this, in my own way, on my own terms. No rescuing required.”
He realized his mistake. “You’re right about everything you said. You’re not Cootie MacNulty, and you don’t need to be rescued. I just…” He paused. “I’m sorry. Livie said to be nice to you when you came out, that coming here made you sad. I can’t stand seeing you sad, seeing you hurt. I never could.”
She reached out and he thought she was going to touch him, but she didn’t. Her hand fell back to her side. “I know. I’m sorry I snapped like that. It was well meant, but Brian, now that you’re home for a while—”
“For good. I’m home for good,” he corrected.
She nodded. “Just because you’re here doesn’t mean you can step in and take over. I’m used to handling things on my own. Well, on my own with Kathleen’s help.”
“I want to help, too, if you’ll let me.”
“With Livie. You’re entitled and Livie’s going to want to spend as much time with you as possible. With Livie you can help, but with the rest of my life, my mother, my boyfriend, with all of it outside of Livie, hands off.”
“Boyfriend?” That stopped him short. He remembered Livie saying something about Mommy’s friend Alex. The thought of a boyfriend didn’t sit well.
Oh, he knew that Hayden had to have had relationships in the past, but she’d never mentioned them and he’d never asked. A boyfriend? He wanted to ask about the man, but knew he didn’t have the right.
Hayden shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe boyfriend’s too strong a word for Alex. Friend.”
“With benefits?” The look on her face told him she wasn’t in the mood for joking. “Kidding. Seriously, just kidding.”
At least he thought he’d been kidding. But as he dealt with a spurt of disappointment because she hadn’t answered the question, he realized that maybe he hadn’t been kidding. And that was absurd. He and Hayden were friends. What she did in her dating life was her own business.
Intellectually, he knew that.
“Livie and your mom are waiting,” Hayden said. “Let’s forget about this spat and get some ice cream.” Her smile seemed forced as she started walking briskly down the hall.
Brian took off after her and grabbed her arm as he came up behind her. “Hayden, I really was kidding. I know it was inappropriate, that time and distance has taken its toll on our friendship and that kind of joking isn’t appropriate. I won’t do it again. But if for no other reason than our daughter, I do want to find a way for us to have a relationship. A friendship. Maybe not what we once had, but—”
“Brian, I’ve never stopped thinking of you as a friend.”
“Me, neither.”
They walked to the elevator. As they waited, Hayden asked, “So, as a friend, can I inquire if you’re okay with your separation from—”
“More than that. She’s pushing for a quick divorce. She’ll be my ex-wife soon.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So am I. It’s been a long time coming, and I know it’s for the best, but still, I’m sorry.” He shook off the deep morose
that threatened to overwhelm him as he thought about the failure his marriage to Lisa had been. “Let’s go get that ice cream. Tonight, we’re not worrying about your mother, or my messed-up life, and we’ll concentrate on our daughter. About making her happy.”
“Deal. Let’s go. Bet you’re getting a chocolate milkshake, and I’m going to let you buy me a—”
“Banana split.” At her surprised expression, he added, “I might have been gone a long time, but there are some things you don’t forget.”
What he didn’t add was that where Hayden was concerned, there was nothing he’d forgotten.
Nothing.
Brian wasn’t sure why he’d been thinking so much about when he’d first moved back home from California. Maybe he was remembering it because it had been such a happy time. He needed to cling to those memories in order to deal with everything that was happening in the here-and-now.
He peeked into the room Hayden had set up for his mother. Hayden was curled up in the recliner, staring out the window, lost in thought. His mom was sleeping and looked peaceful.
Hayden must have heard him come in. Their eyes met. She placed a finger to her lips, indicating he should be quiet. She rose and followed him from the room. “She’s sleeping.”
“I saw.”
“I should probably get some work done and—”
“You should get some rest yourself. Whatever else needs done will wait.”
“Don’t tell me what to do, Bri.” She bristled, just as she always had when he tried to tell her what to do—for her own good.
Hayden had never looked after herself. She’d taken care of Livie, Kathleen, him…even her own worthless mother. But never herself. It might have worked if Hayden would let him step in and care for her when it was warranted, but her stubborn pride wouldn’t allow it.
And though he wouldn’t admit it, that hurt. He wanted to care for Hayden, to ease the pain he knew she felt. The same pain they all felt.
“You’re an emotional wreck,” he said, “and it’s only going to get worse. Take some time for yourself. You’ve been so busy with Mom, with Livie. You’re ignoring your own needs and feelings in order to—”
