“He’s forgotten so much of who he was consumed with everything that has happened to him. When his father left and cut us out of his life, Colt cut people out too. He can smile at all these people, laugh and joke but he wouldn’t ever let one into his heart. But his heart is good. His heart has love and generosity...he’s just so careful who he lets in.” She turned to Peyton and took her hand. “But he let you in. I did a lot of thinking after you told me he’d mentioned the affair and I wanted you to know that he’s taken a huge step with you. You are special to him even if he can’t come right out and say it.”
“I don’t know about that.” He had let Lauren in and she broke his heart. He would surely never let Peyton in and she had the feeling even if he did, he would never love her the same. What does it matter? You don’t want love!
Elaine hushed her. “I’m his mother and I see how he has let you into his heart like no other woman.” No other woman? She was exaggerating. Wasn’t she?
Elaine turned back toward Colt still holding Peyton’s hand like it was the key to her son’s heart. She couldn’t be right. She had to be mistaking their lust for love. She had to be.
They both watched Colt, but with entirely different eyes. Elaine was watching with a motherly love, while Peyton couldn’t help notice how handsome he made a knit top and denim look.
“He needed someone who wasn’t me,” Elaine said. “He has been so angry for the last few years and now look at him. He’s living his life again. I haven’t seen that smile on him since Lauren and Lily.”
Their names were so casually dropped into a conversation when she was reciting how Peyton was the only person to ever break his barrier, made her a tad bit uncomfortable. She knew his heart belonged to Lauren.
“We are just friends, Elaine.”
Elaine’s hand squeezed her own. “Sometimes that’s all we need.” Peyton’s heart suddenly had the weight of a thousand boulders and she shifted a bit. So it was only a friendship between them that Elaine was referring too, not a love. Of course it wasn’t love. Elaine would know too. She knew her son best.
A co-worker called Elaine and she departed after a quick hug for Peyton.
Suddenly feeling like her emotions had been shaken on low tumble, she needed a break from all the cameras and people even if they weren’t directed at her. She needed a break from the man they were directed at.
***
It was getting toward the end of the day and the radio station was beginning to pack up. The donations would still be coming until that evening and then the total would be announced and Colt would donate the rest. He agreed to go on air with the morning crew the following day.
Colt shook hands with the radio hosts.
“Thanks, man. It was great spending the afternoon with you,” the host, with curly orange hair that matched his well trimmed beard, said. Colt suspected the host was younger than him but his facial hair added years to his appearance.
“It’s been a pleasure.”
The brunette host, probably his biggest fan (besides Rosemary, who had brought a very gracious cheque in earlier with Kate and her grandmother, Eliza Caliendo) shook his hand. “It’s a huge pleasure to meet you and spend the day with you. Your mom and girlfriend are awesome.” Colt didn’t correct her and noted how he liked the way that sounded even more than my girl. “You did a good thing here today and not only for the money. The children here need a little inspiration in their lives and you gave them that today.”
“They gave me inspiration,” Colt said. They had, all of the innocent little faces that smiled up at him made him remember how thankful for life he used to be.
She smiled before taking off to another crowd of people. There were a lot of crowds around them, some for him, some for the kids and then some for the radio station.
The nurses were beginning to usher the kids away and back to their rooms for supper.
Colt had lost sight of Peyton. She was likely down the hall highlighting a kid’s book like no other person he knew. Earlier, when he wondered if Peyton had ducked out, he found her storytelling in a small room with only a few wide-eyed children glued to her every word. She hadn’t noticed him, so he stood back and leaned on the doorframe, listening to the tale. Who knew an adventure with a fictional character and a little bad mouse could be so entrancing? It certainly was when a certain curly haired adult didn’t only read the pages but stomped around the room in accordance to the words or hid around beds to sneak up on giggling children, or roar like a lion with arms reaching the ceiling and eyes round as the children who watched her. She was amazing. She might not be a star like him, but his title certainly didn’t make him any better.
That’s where Colt assumed Peyton was and he was about to grab his mother’s arm and confirm so he could get a dinner date with his new favorite story teller, when a young nurse stepped in front of him.
She batted her blue eyes at him. “Colt, there’s a dad here who didn’t get the chance to meet you. He’s a huge fan but he doesn’t want to leave the baby ward.” Just the mention of the baby ward sent a hot flash through Colt’s body. He hadn’t had this feeling in days, which was unusual for him. “I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind having a quick word with him. I know it would really cheer him up.”
Unwanted night terror emotions gripped his chest. But he couldn’t say no because they wouldn’t understand...Or would they? It had been on the news, the loss of his child. His child.
This was one of the obstacles in his life he was having the most difficulty overcoming. It dragged all the feelings he could hardly control throughout his body in an unmanageable manner that made him unfocused to reality. He didn’t want to ruin the great day he was having, but maybe this was a sign that he needed to walk into the baby ward, face the sounds, face the smell and face his fears.
“Sure.” He forced a smile.
The nurse led him away from the comfortable crowds to the elevators. Colt looked in every door and down every hall hoping to catch sight of Peyton before they reached the elevators. He realized he didn’t want to go up there alone.
The low bells chimed to the baby floor and with each step his chest closed in on him. Tighter, thicker until they stopped in a hallway to talk with the surprised father. The baby was behind the closed door. That eased his fears a bit and he had a somewhat casual conversation, even if his eyes kept darting at the doors and around the hallways, at the nurses, at every sound of a baby’s fuss or cry. His nerves were on their last string.
He knew exactly where the staircase exit was and ready to go all while this dad was talking. He needed a quick exit out of this building and into some fresh air and his feet would lead him faster than any elevator chiming away along with his broken heart.
“Do you want to see me future hockey champ?” the father asked. Colt was pretty sure the nurse had exchanged names but that was the last thing he cared to remember at the moment. He was trying to remember to smile and keep somewhat good eye contact or he was going to look like he’d gotten into the medicine cabinet.
No!
“Sure do.”
The dad beamed, but it didn’t reach the dark unslept circles around his eyes. Colt could relate. When Lily had been born premature it had been only days, but felt like a lifetime waiting to find out if everything was okay, that she was going to be okay...that Lauren was going to be okay. Those two girls had been the loves of his life. Nothing had been okay. That night had destroyed his life and everything he had done to rid the feelings were coming back full blast.
His stomach felt sick.
As he walked into the room he couldn’t breathe. A few nice words and then he was getting the hell out of there.
Chapter Eighteen
When Peyton finally got her emotions in check she returned to the active area and found things were settling down. Most the children were back in their rooms and everyone was clearing out in a quick manner.
Colt was nowhere to be seen.
Colt. Friend next door. Dad’s girlfrie
nds son. Retired pro-hockey player. Not love interest or boyfriend.
Peyton repeated the words in her head as she asked a couple of staff members about Colt’s location and finally someone told her he had gone to visit a dad in the baby ward.
Peyton’s stomach grumbled a hunger musical and she hoped maybe Colt would buy her that dinner she had promised him.
“Have you seen Colt?” Elaine asked.
“One of the nurses said he went down to the baby ward to talk to a dad who didn’t want to leave his newborn son and is a big Colt Patterson fan.” Another point for Colt and his sweetness. Sweetness? When had she put that word in the same sentence as Colt?
“Alone?” Elaine asked as though it wasn’t obvious...the two of them were standing right in front of one another.
“He went with a nurse,” Peyton offered.
Elaine looked worried.
“What’s wrong?” Peyton asked, but Elaine was walking away.
“Elaine, can we get you over here for a photo for the paper?” A doctor wearing a long white jacket called, waving his hand at them, just as Elaine reached for the door handle.
Elaine looked up reluctantly then continued to open the door ignoring the crowd that sent her a questioning look. She was going to disregard them after she was responsible for arranging the event. She should get her credit.
Peyton touched her arm. “I will find him,” she told her. “Go ahead. You deserve it for everything you’ve done for these kids and the hospital. I will bring Colt back.”
Elaine’s eyes didn’t look convinced and Peyton had no idea why not. “You will go straight to the baby ward and find him?”
Peyton nodded.
“Alright. Use my name if they won’t let you in. Don’t wait in the waiting room.”
“Okay I will.”
Peyton didn’t watch her walk away. Peyton picked up her pace and headed down the hall of mazes until she found the elevator and stepped off into the baby ward.
Now she just had to get past the waiting room and find Colt.
As she approached the desk with her perkiest and friendliest smile, ready to try and convince these ladies it was urgent she see Colt, he went storming past her without even noticing her.
By the time she turned, he was already through a door for the stairs. Peyton had to pick up her pace again to catch him. He was taking the stairs two or three at a time with his long legs. Peyton was practically sliding down them to attempt to catch up.
“Colt!” she called. He didn’t hear her or he was ignoring her. “Colt!” she yelled louder.
This time he stopped and stared around in a confused daze, looking for the voice that called him. That gave her an opportunity to get on the same level as him.
He was pacing the length of the platform back and forth, his hands were fidgeting.
Peyton stepped in front of him and he almost collided with her.
“What’s the matter?” she asked.
He stared right through her.
“What’s going on? Colt?” She touched his arms and he jerked away slamming his body into the wall behind him.
Peyton jumped back too.
“I need air,” he said. He grabbed his chest. “I can’t breathe. I have to go.” He turned and started down the stairs again. He was going to go all the way to the bottom.
Peyton looked down the flights beyond flights. She was never going to keep up with him and what was he going to do when he got outside? She could hear the promises she made to Elaine.
Peyton started after him, calling out again when she missed a step and her ankle twisted sending her feet sliding down the remainder of the stairs. She managed to stay upwards and not fall on her rear, but as she came to a halt, pain shot through her foot and she collapsed on the last stair grabbing her ankle. She tore her boot off.
Damn it! She was so angry for always being so clumsy and now Colt was completely out of sight and who knew where he was going. Elaine was going to be a mess.
What in the hell had happened in that ward? What was his problem? Did she break her ankle?
She was about to move it when Colt’s hands wrapped around hers and slid over her foot.
“Does that hurt?” He touched her ankle and she sucked in a breath. “Can you move it?”
Peyton couldn’t move past the fact his warm hands were covering her own while slowly pressing on areas of her foot. She wriggled her foot. It wasn’t broken but it hurt like hell.
She watched a relieved smile tug at Colt’s lips and waited for him to look at her. When his eyes finally found hers it seemed that whatever demons he’d been fighting had vanished.
“Are you alright?” she asked.
“Are you alright?” He looked irritated.
She smiled. “I think I twisted my ankle.”
“We should get you looked at.” He went to pull his hand away and stand but she turned her hands upwards and laced her fingers around his to keep him with her.
“Colt, what happened?” she asked.
His eyes dropped and he stared at their hands. His were overbearing and her painted turquoise nails stared up at them. She gave them a little squeeze and leaned toward him until her forehead was resting against his.
“Talk to me,” she told him gently, softly encouraging. “I’m right here. I will listen.”
He looked up, breaking their contact and stared down at her hard. He looked like he was going to tell her. His mouth was parted like the words were on the edge and he was going to let her into a world only him and his mother knew about.
Instead he kissed her. It was hungry and needy, pulling her into his sadness. His arm wrapped around her back completely supporting her as he leaned into her gently pushing until his arm was against the stairs. The kiss seemed to heal the pain in her ankle and her hands gripped the front of his shirt, pulling her up against him to take every stroke of his wanting tongue, and to kiss away the grief he was feeling.
When he pulled away, Peyton wanted to pull him back, but he was staring down at her again with that sadness.
Somehow he had managed to brace one of his legs against the stair and she had wriggled her body until her buttock was sitting on his knee and her legs were wrapped around him. She was able to release her grip from his shirt and touch his face.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
She kissed him again, a quick light kiss. He didn’t need to apologize.
With his eyes closed and resting his forehead against hers he said, “Lily wasn’t my baby.” He whispered it so quietly that she thought she’d heard him wrong, until he continued.
The words stung her heart for him. She remembered her pain after her mother died and her years of regret. But then to find out his baby wasn’t his and that his wife had been having an affair. She couldn’t relate to the pain he was suffering.
***
Colt clung to Peyton and he never wanted to let go of the comfort he felt being with her. He could try to fool himself into believing it was sexual desire that drew him to her, they certainly weren’t lacking in it, but that would only be disguising his actual feelings. Feelings he’d never felt for anyone, not even Lauren. He wanted to share this part of his life that caused him to flee and, in turn, caused her pain.
It was still hard to do. He sucked in a deep breath. “She belonged to the guy outside the bar where I landed my assault charge.” Another deep breath. “I found out at the hospital when he showed up in a panic.” Even going back was one of the hardest things to do. This was his life, this was the moment that changed everything, including who he was into who he had become now. And, until he’d come back home he’d been a sad, lonely, scared man who couldn’t find the good in life anymore.
“I’m so sorry Colt,” she whispered, her thumb rubbing the side of his face. It felt so soothing he never wanted her to stop.
“It wasn’t until after Lily was born. She was premature and tiny and delicate and they didn’t know if she would survive. I spent hours, days beside her...days I don’
t remember...touching her, talking to her and loving her.” Every breath brought him deeper into the hospital room and hopefully Peyton would understand why he raced away from her. “She was tiny, the tiniest baby I have ever seen and she looked so sick with the machines hooked up to her.”
The smell of that hospital was exactly the same smell he had escaped only minutes ago but now his senses were flooded with Peyton’s lavender aroma. After listening to all her talk about the properties behind the oils he wondered if lavender was soothing, calming because he felt like he was entranced and it was easier to talk about Lily with her.
“They said she probably wouldn’t make it, but I stayed with her every second...until he showed up.” A man who he had been led to believe was Lauren’s personal assistant. He’d been so much more. “He was making a scene. He wanted to see me and the nurses pulled me away from Lily. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave her. But I did.” He paused, remembering that feeling of heart-break. “I left her forever.”
Colt sat up, pulling Peyton with him, and resting her on the step. She stared at him silently, giving him the time he needed to tell her his story, patiently with supporting...loving...eyes. He couldn’t tell what he was seeing right now, he was too lost back in time.
“She wasn’t mine and I walked away without saying goodbye, without another word to her. He set me straight. He knew the dates. He knew my schedule and for some reason I had never put it all together and, as he did, I felt myself breaking. So I left her.” He stopped as the emotion almost took over and put him on the run again for a breath of fresh air. He fought it. “She died that night.” He closed his eyes. “They say a parent’s touch, even their voice, can work miracles and I had been praying for a miracle and then I walked away from her.”
Lakeshore Legend: The McAdams Series (By The Lake Series Book 2) Page 16
