‘Then I’d have a younger man. What’s wrong with that?’
‘But that’s the only way we can live a normal life, have children and start a family.’
‘A family…’ I sighed longingly.
‘And I will provide for them as a carpenter.’
I didn’t know whether a carpenter’s wages would be enough for a family; that probably depended quite a lot on the state of the building sector, but I could work as well of course. And if it was his free will to become mortal, then who was I to deny him that?
At that very moment a conker hit me on the head. It came from the direction of the lake. To be precise, it came from a pedalo that Svetlana’s little girl and her friend were riding in. The girls were now both wearing lipgloss, and laughing hysterically. I really had a hard time thinking they were cute. But Joshua smiled at them, and that reminded me of the inferno again, and how he’d helped these little girls and how that had made me realise what Mary Magdalene must have said to him back then.
Deeply saddened, I looked at Joshua.
‘What’s the matter with you?’ he asked, and for the first time ever, I thought I heard a hint of fear in his otherwise strong voice.
Quietly I whispered: ‘Our free will needs to decide against us…’
‘Now you sound even more muddled than the Demoniac of Gadara,’ Joshua said, trembling slightly. It was terrible to see him tremble.
‘What did Mary Magdalene say to you about why you were not allowed to live out your love?’ I asked.
He remained silent for a while, stopped trembling and finally answered wistfully, ‘Because my love needs to belong to everyone.’
‘And that’s why you’re never allowed to die,’ I whispered, so quietly that my voice was almost scarcely audible. ‘And you can’t stay with me.’
He didn’t even reply to that. Because I was right. Or rather, Mary Magdalene was right.
It is never nice when you realise that the ex was smarter than you.
Joshua no longer fought for a shared future with him as a carpenter. His free will followed his destiny. And he decided against us.
And my free will fell into line with his.
Sometimes it is just no fun agreeing on things.
We sat there silently, gazing out onto the lake one last time. I fought back my tears, which were ready to flow. I succeeded with most of them, but the odd cheeky, annoying, stupid tear did come out of my eye and trickled down my face.
Joshua touched my cheek with his hand and gently and tenderly kissed my tear away.
I stopped crying.
With that kiss he had taken away my sorrow. Just like he’s taken away little Lilliana’s epilepsy.
Jesus stroked my cheek and said: ‘I love you.’
Then he vanished into thin air – this amazing summery air.
And I was left alone on the pier.
No man had ever left me quite so wonderfully.
Chapter Forty-Four
Meanwhile…
Emma Thompson and George Clooney sat on the bench by the lake and fed the ducks. Every time that one of them ate one of Clooney’s poisoned bits of bread, Emma brought the animal back to life, which greatly frustrated Clooney. But it annoyed him even more that he had clearly only been a variable in God’s test.
‘So,’ Clooney finally asked, as he noticed that he was even losing the battle for the ducks, ‘the Day of Judgement is no longer going to occur?’
‘Humanity has grown up,’ Emma answered.
‘But it’s far from perfect.’
‘Well, are any grown-ups?’ Emma smiled.
Clooney was not able to smile as well. He’d been so focused on the final battle his whole existence. His raison d’être had suddenly disappeared. This is how it must feel to be unemployed and willing to sell your soul for a new life.
‘You will get what you hoped for most of all,’ Emma said, trying to cheer him up.
‘A free will?’ Satan hardly dared to hope.
‘Yes, you can now travel to that lonely desert island, like you always wanted.’
Clooney smiled with relief. He was now able to live alone and no longer needed to bother with annoying sinners. God had just handed him his very own personal Kingdom of Heaven.
‘Can I…?’ he began.
‘No, you can’t take the artist with you.’
Clooney bit his lip for a short while, before he shrugged his shoulders and said: ‘You can’t have it all’, and went on his way without even saying thank you. He would be flying to the South Seas with the Learjet that belonged to the Governor of California.
While Satan disappeared, Jesus was walking along the path by the lake and sat down next to Emma Thompson on the bench.
‘And you, my Son, are you coming back to be with me in the Kingdom of Heaven?’
‘No,’ Joshua answered emphatically.
‘You’re staying with Marie?’ Emma was surprised, but not angry. Jesus could do what he liked with his free will.
‘I will not be doing that either. But thanks to her, I know what I have to do.’
‘And what’s that going to be?’ Emma was really rather intrigued now.
‘I will travel the world.’
‘And will you ever see Marie again?’
‘Yes, I will,’ Jesus said wistfully. ‘I will come back here every now and again, without her knowing, to see whether she is all right… and her children… and her grandchildren.’
‘And her great-grandchildren?’ Emma asked with a smile.
‘And their children,’ Jesus smiled back.
Chapter Forty-Five
I stood on the pier for quite a while, staring out onto the water, filled with inner peace. I didn’t feel any heartache. Joshua’s loving kiss really had made sure that I no longer needed to suffer, and that I would be free to fall in love again with someone in this life. It was not until the sun had set that I picked myself up and headed home. Once I’d got half way, that mundane but urgent ‘I need to pee’ feeling really came to the forefront of my mind. As I had a rather ambivalent attitude towards bushes these days, I went to Michi’s video store. He obviously wanted to know what had happened, and I told him, through the toilet door, that next Tuesday was no longer the appointed date for the end of the world.
‘That’s fantastic!’ Michi cheered full of relief.
But there was still that thing of him being in love with me that stood between us. So, once I’d washed my hands and came to join him at the counter, I asked: ‘So what’s Julian Styles going to do with this newly won time?’
‘Good old Julian,’ Michi replied, ‘has realised that life can come to an end at any moment.’
‘And?’
‘He therefore no longer wants to pine for a love that will never be, and intends to sign up to every available online dating site. Except maybe s-and-m.com.’
‘Julian is a pretty smart guy,’ I declared.
‘I never said anything else,’ Michi replied, grinning. I was just happy that we were able to continue our platonic friendship.
When I got home, Kata was sitting in the garden under a nice, shaded tree, drawing in the last of the day’s daylight. I sat down next to her. She looked sad and said: ‘I am no heroine.’
‘You are to me,’ I replied.
‘I followed him.’
‘Not all the way…’
‘I should have resisted him completely… but I’m not as strong on my own as I had always thought, otherwise I might have managed it…’
Kata seemed very fragile now.
‘…but I don’t want to be on my own any more, I need someone…’
My sister needed me. Just like I needed her.
‘Are you going to stay around in Malente a while?’ I wanted to know.
‘Why are you asking?’
‘It’s better if I stay with you, until you feel better again,’ I explained.
‘The entire hundred years?’ she asked gloomily.
‘As long as it takes,’ I grinn
ed.
Then she hugged me.
‘You’re crushing me,’ I groaned.
‘Yes. That’s my intention!’
Then I hugged her back. After all the madness, it was nice to feel something resembling peace in her arms again.
‘Scotty?’
‘Yes, Captain?’
‘I love our organic farm.’
‘So do I, Captain. So do I.’
When Kata and I had finally finished hugging each other, she showed me her sketchpad with her latest comic strip.
‘It says “The End” on it,’ I said in a surprised tone.
‘Well it’s the last strip that I’m doing for my “Sisters” series,’ Kata explained.
‘The last one?’
‘I’m someone else now,’ she smiled. ‘And so are you.’
Kata was right. I had made peace with my parents and had even found the courage to speak up against God and confront Satan. I’d discovered I was capable of all sorts of things.
I was no longer a M.O.N.S.T.E.R.
And all just because I’d fallen in love.
Special thanks go to Ulrike Beck, who always believed in the project, Marcus Gärtner, Marcus Hertneck and Michael Töteberg, the best agents in this and any other universe.
Biographical Note
David Safier was born in 1966 and is one of the most well-known and successful German scriptwriters. After training as a journalist, he turned to writing scripts in 1996, landing a number of hit TV series, including Berlin, Berlin, for which he won the 2003 Grimme Prize and an International Emmy. He lives and works in Bremen. His novels Lousy Karma and Apocalypse Next Tuesday were on the German bestseller lists for months.
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Copyright
Published by Hesperus Nova
Hesperus Press Limited
28 Mortimer Street, London W1W 7RD
www.hesperuspress.com
First published by Hesperus Press Limited, 2014
This ebook edition first published in 2014
Originally published under the title JESUS LIEBT MICH by David Safier
Copyright © 2008 by Rowohlt Verlag GmbH, Reinbek bei Hamburg
The translation of this work was supported by a grant from the Goethe-Institut which is funded by the German Ministry of Foreign Affairs.
English translation © Hilary Parnfors, 2014
Designed and typeset by Madeline Meckiffe
Cover design by Stuart Bache
All rights reserved. This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly
ISBN 978–1–78094–317–6
Apocalypse Next Tuesday Page 22
