Black Burlesque

by L. C. Castillo

  “She” Conni pauses and glances around the kitchen. She walks toward the door and pokes her head out, glances in both directions and then walks back to me and takes both of my hands in hers.

  “You promise you not speak about what I say to you, hermosa? Promise me.”

  I nod; I’m stunned by her intensity. This feels surreal, and I begin to see and understand why Vincent is so intent on living a normal life, a life without extravagance, or unnecessary amounts of money. It ruined his family.

  “As the boys grow up, Elizabeth see how Walter Jr. was still Walter Sr. favorite. He was a good man, and he treat both his grandson good, but he was already trying to show Walter everything about the shares and business and the properties.” She waves her hand around; I’m sure it’s confusing for her. Even I have no idea how his family became so wealthy, or what the family “business” consists of.

  “Walter Sr., he hate Elizabeth. He tol’ Edmond if he marry her, he disinherit him. And he did. Edmond did not care; he was lost already. He still have good money from his little boat business y otras cosas chiquitas, so it didn’t matter to him...” she takes a deep cleansing breath.

  “She she would not let that happen, she would not let little Walter, who was not her son, take control of the money. One night, on Walter birthday, I go up to check on him. He was so sad for weeks, I go to check if he okay. I was going to give him son’ ice cream. His favorite,” she smiles at the memory. Her hands cup her heart. She really loves this family, probably more than greedy Elizabeth does.

  The story Vincent shared on Halloween comes to mind. I know why Walter was sad around his birthday. He knew he was going to die... An ache begins to form in my chest. I think I know where the story is headed.

  “He not in his bed. I get mad at him. I go and try to look for him and I see him from the window, he was walking to the little lake, I go and put on my shoes and jacket and go to follow him. I go and try to be sneaky, to see first if he has a girl there...you know? I did not want to surprise them.” She chuckles mildly, but I know Walter did not meet any girl, and I swallow down the lump forming in my throat. For some reason I am shaking, trembling like a deep cold has settled into my chest.

  “I not see a young girl. I see Elizabeth, dress in black. I see her walking fast, away to the house. She not see me. I go and peek to the water and I see my Walter there. Just his legs, he lying so still, his head and shoulders...in the water.” She covers her face in her hands and stifles a sob.

  The tears stream silently down my face as I absorb what she’s just said. I want her to stop telling me this... I think I know what she is insinuating. I don’t think I can bear to hear it. I can’t. It can’t be true or real, can it?

  “When I come back in the house I am running! Screaming for someone to call police, and she here...in the kitchen waiting for me. She say if I say anything, anything at all, she say it was me. She will say she see me sneaking into his room at night, and meeting him by the lake....” She tries to whisper this to me between sobs, her voice quivering and shaking.

  Elizabeth is a monster! A killer possibly, too, if what Conni is telling me is true!

  I take Conni in my arms, I am stunned and I have to remind myself to keep breathing. An enormous lump forms in my throat, tightening and constricting. This is too much; too much to process or understand. And I know why Elizabeth did it. So that Vincent would be next in line for the inheritance, for the money, for the power... How could anyone do that? It just can’t be true.

  “I never tell anyone anything. I know she would have turn it on me. And you know what? That make me feel like a killer. I stay here, to protect Vincent, and baby Benny. I have to protect them from esa loca! It eat me up inside. What happen to that poor beautiful boy, he was like my baby to me...” she trembles and shudders in my arms.

  I can’t hear anymore. I feel sick, nauseous.

  I hold her against me and try to be the strong one. The burden she must have been carrying with her for all of these years. And I know we cannot go to the police. Elizabeth doesn’t strike me as one to make idle threats, the way she treats Conni, tells me she feels that she has ultimate power over her. I’m sure that insane woman would and could ruin Conni’s life if she put her mind to it. Not to mention, how would Vincent respond to hearing this? No. I can’t say anything. Not yet. I’d need proof first.

  “I won’t say anything, Conni. Don’t worry. I’m so sorry.” My mind struggles to comprehend this news. I can’t. I just can’t fathom it. I knew Elizabeth was evil…but could she have killed Walter? Is she capable of that?

  Conni regains her composure and I pretend to regain mine. It feels as though hours have passed. I tell myself I imagined Conni’s story. It isn’t possible.

  She straightens out her crisp white apron, and dabs her eyes and walks over to the stove and pours a bowl of hot stew for Edmond. My appetite has vanished. She sprinkles some chopped herbs on top and places it onto a tray with a small baguette. She moves silently, mechanically.

  Today is an awful day. An awful reminder of being robbed of a lovely innocent life that brought joy and strength to this family.

  Fuck Elizabeth. I have never hated anyone before in my life, but I’m sure that right now, what I’m feeling is pure hatred for that woman.

  I silently take the tray and walk back to Edmond, leaving Conni praying silently in the kitchen, clutching her rosary. I place the tray before Edmond on the coffee table, and force him to sit up. Propping some pillows behind his back. I take my seat next to him and he watches the flames dance and pop; he doesn’t acknowledge my presence.

  He’s far away again. I feed him and he eats wordlessly, robotically. I fight back the urge as long as possible, but once he’s eaten all of the soup; I curl myself up against his side, and wrap both my arms around his neck and rest my head on his shoulder. It seems to wake him from his coma of sadness and he embraces me and we both cry inaudibly, sitting up, staring quietly at the flames before us. I can feel his body quivering silently against mine; his trapped tears fall silently across his cheeks and onto my arms.

  I wake from an uneasy nap to find Vincent standing before me with an amused, and slightly confused, expression. Edmond and I are still bundled together beneath the flannel blanket; my head resting against his shoulder, his cheek pressed against the top of my head.

  I put my finger to my lips, indicating for Vincent to be quiet and let his father sleep. Vincent nods and begins helping me ease his father back down to his pillow.

  I get up as quietly as possible and we both pull the covers up and over Edmond. I kiss Edmond’s cheek softly and Vincent and I walk hand in hand out of the living area. I’m beginning to understand Edmond. I don’t blame him for his drinking habit. Not after everything he’s suffered through.

  “How’s Viola?” I say because I feel slightly uncomfortable that he’s caught me being affectionate with his father. I don’t know why it makes me feel shy and embarrassed, but it does. I suppose I don’t want him to see how much I care, how much his family’s sadness affects me.

  Vincent is gazing down at me, studying my face with his ardent eyes. There is so much emotion swirling within those glittering blue eyes, I have to look away, I don’t know what he’s thinking but I can feel the rising tide of sentiment churning inside of him. I bite my lip self-consciously.

  “She’s fine. She’s resting. Come. Let’s go. I want to feed you and then take you to bed,” his says with furrowed brows.

  “No. I want to see Viola, if only just to say good-bye.”

  He nods and I make my way over to her bedroom. I hate this dark hallway. It makes me feel uneasy. If I knew where the hell the light switches were, I’d flick them all on. I find Viola’s bedroom door and see she too has her fireplace lit. It’s the only light in her spacious and cozy bedroom. She appears to be asleep, and so I turn back, not wanting to disturb her.

  “Come here, girl.” I love Viola’s gravely voice.

  I smile fondly and make my way ove
r to her. She looks smaller, and fragile in her large bed. Her white puffy hair spread around her pillow, she looks almost child-like. I sit at the edge of her bed and smile down at her. She reaches over and takes my hand.

  “I hope you marry our boy. You’d make one hell of a grand-daughter-in-law, and a beautiful mother.” She smiles wistfully and my heart switches gears, heading into overdrive, slamming hard against my chest. WHAT!? She pats my hand and closes her eyes and begins to snore softly.

  Just like that, it’s as if I imagined her words...but I know I didn’t. What on earth possessed her to say that? I steady my breathing and place my hand over my heart, willing it to steady.

  But I can’t. I have had information overload today, and that last bit has just sent me over the edge. Mother? I can’t ever be a mother, what if I go mad like my mother did? Or what if I have a stillborn child, like my poor little brother? I can’t marry Vincent. I don’t love him... I don’t love anyone. I’m not capable... I’m defective. What am I doing? Where am I heading in this life? I’ve gotten too comfortable. I can’t. I can’t love anyone. A child? No!

  Okay, calm down, Lenore. You’ve had arough day. That’s all

  I stand and shuffle out the door. My legs feel heavy and uncoordinated as I attempt to run. I make it to the bathroom and splash water on my face, not bothering to shut the door behind me. I reign in my emotions, and the panic attack that is threatening to choke me. My throat and chest constrict tightly, I feel like I’m suffocating. But I will myself to breathe. After a moment or so, the anxiety begins to subside.

  I feel her before I see her. She’s there. Waiting in the shadows of the dark hallway.

  “I know you’re there. Say what you have to say and be done with it already.” My voice sounds strong, much stronger than I’m feeling at this moment.

  If I have to hear more shit tonight, I’d like to get it over with.

  She comes forth, sadness and anger twisting her lovely face. She is undeniably beautiful, but it’s a dark beauty, one that also comes with a truckload of malice, jealousy and madness.

  I meet her eyes; miraculously I’m able to mask the trepidation growing in my heart.

  “You’re trying to poison my family, turn them against me. I know it,” she says acidly.

  Wow. She’s insane.

  I laugh, a detached laugh that comes from deep in my belly. She stiffens, and her eyes flare.

  “You’re even more insane than I thought. You are the poison in this family, Elizabeth. ”

  Shit! Did I just say that? The woman’s insane; I probably shouldn’t piss her off. I ball my hands into fists so that she can’t see how badly I’m shaking.

  She takes a step towards me and I instinctively take a step back. I don’t trust her, especially now that I know what she is capable of. I want to slap her, spit in her venomous face. But I keep it together. She can’t know what I know. I have to protect Conni.

  “You...should not ever cross me, little girl,” she snarls, and I know what she is insinuating.

  “Or what, Elizabeth?” I rise to her challenge. My eyes meet hers, daring her. How can I sound so brave when I am trembling with fear?

  “You’ll see,” she says sweetly, too sweetly for the vile look in her eyes.

  With that she turns on her heel and walks down the hall, vanishing in the shadows. I begin shaking like a leaf. I slam the bathroom door shut. I don’t want Vincent to find me like this. Quaking with adrenaline. I have never in my life wanted to hit someone, but I am dying to attack her and gouge out her eyes. The anguish she has caused this family, my Vincent...Edmond, Conni.

  I breathe in and out exaggeratedly, like a woman in labor. I think of Viola’s words and I stop breathing all together. Mother. I stand and collect myself reminding myself I am strong. I have lived through terrible things, and they have scarred me, but have also made me stronger, stronger than Elizabeth. I won’t let her affect me.

  I step back out into the dark hallway a few minutes later and search for Vincent. He’s pacing in the foyer, he stops and smiles when he sees me.

  “You were gone awhile. I thought my grandmother would be asleep by now.”

  I smile and take his hand in mine, eager to get the hell out of this dark house.

  “She is now.”

  My mind is all over the place on the ride back to the loft. I can’t seem to get a handle on which part of my day was the strangest, or which encounter at Vincent’s family home was the worst. I think of Edmond, Conni, Viola and the evil queen Elizabeth. My brief conversation with Viola sticks out to me the most.

  And then realization dawns on me. HO-LY SHIT!!! I have been so careless! I haven’t even thought of birth control! I inhale sharply and Vincent slams on the brakes, pulling over to the side of the road swiftly.

  “What, Lenore! What is it!? Are you alright!?”

  I shake my head furiously back and forth.

  “Are you choking!?”

  No! I’m not choking and I am most certainly not all right! He grabs both of my shoulders, examining me.

  “Damn it, Lenore! Tell me what’s wrong with you! Do I need to take you to a hospital!?”

  Hospital? No! Wait...maybe. No, I’ll definitely need a doctor though.

  “I I,” I can’t stop stammering. Get it the fuck together, Lenore.

  Vincent shakes me, his hands still firmly on my shoulders; I think he is trying to snap me out of my shock.

  “VincentII haven’t been taking birth control... Andand you and I! Wewe’ve been!!” And with that I put both my hands over my face and start to hyperventilate.

  All of the anxiety I’ve been suppressing, all of the revelations I’ve had to hear, it all slams down on me. Crushing me at once. My home, business, dog, Vincent’s family, and now this! I’m the world’s biggest idiot! The thought hadn’t once crossed my mind to use contraception. What kind of moron am I? And Vincent, what’s his fucking excuse? He’s supposed to be the experienced one.

  Vincent lets out a rush of air. I think he’s relieved, but I don’t want to look up at him. He pushes my head down between my legs and rubs my back.

  “Breathe. Breathe, Lenore. It’s okay. It’s alright.”

  He tries to soothe me, but it is most certainly NOT ALL RIGHT! Why have we both been so careless? And my period, I can’t even remember when I last had it. I’m always irregular, and I never know when to expect it, but I know it’s been a while.

  Minutes pass and my breathing slowly starts to return to normal. Vincent is silent, deathly silent. I look up at him and his jaw is tight, he’s staring out the car window. Shit! He’s probably so pissed.

  I sit up and place my hands on my knees.

  “I’m okay. I just...I’m in shock. Honestly, Vincent. The thought never crossed my mind, I don’t know why. It must be everything happening in my life that caused me to forget. It wasn’tuntil your grandmother saidI-I’m sorry.” Why am I apologizing? It takes two to tango.

  His eyes meet mine. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. What he’s feeling. It’s making me nervous. After everything I’ve heard tonight, why I’ve chosen for this to affect me the most, I do not know.

  He shakes his head softly; a soft smile rests on his lips. He looks stunned, too.

  “No. It’s okay. There’s nothing for you to be sorry for. I never thought to question you, or ask…and I haven’t been being carefuleither. I’m sorry. I’ve never” He looks over at me with his sultry sexy eyes, and his cheeks color slightly.

  “I’ve never felt such intense passionwith anyone before. It’sLenore; the thought was completely obliterated from my mind. When I’m with you, that’s all I think or care about.”

  I know. I feel the same way. But I say nothing; I just stare into his unfathomable blue eyes.

  “I can’t think of anything else, Lenore. My mind thinks of nothing else, only you. Just you. Your body, your mind, your face, the words you say...the things you do. II’m just...”

  I put my hand o
ver his mouth. I can’t bear to hear anymore. I close my eyes and he puts his hand over mine and softly kisses my palm. I know where he is going with this, and now is most definitely not the time. I have enough to process.

  “I, um...I’ll need to see a doctor, Vincent, to be safe. And…I think I should probably consider birth control, or something.”

  Though the thought is an unsavory one. I don’t relish the idea of putting something in my body that is foreign, that will alter me. I do hear it might help make my periods come more regularly, but...

  “No, Lenore. You don’t have to do that. If you’re not comfortable, we can find other...alternatives.”

  What? What other alternatives? I must look as bewildered as I feel because he elaborates.

  “We coulduse the rhythm method?” He offers.

  I have no idea what the hell he talking about, and I’m not entirely comfortable with this conversation. I don’t know why exactly, given all of the things we’ve done together, but I’m embarrassed.

  “You know, abstain duringor maybe use condoms when you’re, you know, ovulating?”

  How the hell did he get to be so knowledgeable? I grimace; jealousy rears its ugly head. I look out the window. He appears to be familiar with this “rhythm method” and what goes on with a woman’s body.

  Well duh, he’s gorgeous, sexy, and kind, and is probably way more experienced in everything than I am. Or ever will be. I don’t even know much about the female body, and I’m a woman!

  “I don’t know,” I snap. “I need to think about it. I just know that I need to see a doctor. Just in case...in case...” My chest tightens and I’m short of breath again. Holy shit! How could I be so stupid? How could he be so stupid!?

  Vincent starts the car again and we drive back to the loft with an oppressive silence descending upon us.

  When we enter the loft I go straight to the bathroom. I need to be alone right now. I need a long hot bath. I want to be alone with my thoughts.