by Martin Crimp
— I wish I hadn’t told you now.
— (Picks up dress.) I haven’t worn this since I was fourteen.
She toys with the dress: Simon watches her. The emotions associated with the dress pass through her body.
— (Smiles.) Look: let’s do a deal. I say what he said – and you do the thing we talked about.
— What thing we talked about? (Realises and laughs.) You must be joking. I’m not ‘doing a deal’ with you. Especially about that. I’ve told you: it’s no. Never. Not ever. It just doesn’t interest me.
— (Shrugs.) Okay.
— Well it doesn’t.
— Okay. You’ve told me.
— I’m putting this on a hanger.
— Sure.
She goes out.
X PROMOTION
Simon alone, cheerful. Wearing headphones, he hums or whistles to himself snatches of the tune from Scene iv, half dancing.
Katrina comes in with some bags and watches. Finally he spots her and takes the headphones off.
Big smiles.
— Hey.
— Hey.
— Well.
— Yes.
— Great. Wow.
— Yes.
— You must be … [thrilled]
— I am.
— Wow. Weird.
— No. [= not really] Yes? [= d’you think?]
— Kind of. I mean Head of …
— Department – yes.
— Great. They … [told you today]?
— That’s right.
— Amazing.
— [I] Got the call and …
— Shit. [= amazing]
— Got the call and … Yes – shit.
— Wow.
Pause. Faint sound of music from the headphones. Katrina becomes aware of this and turns the music player off.
— Hey come here.
— What?
— Just come here.
— (Teasing.) Oh no.
— Come on.
— Oh no.
— Hey …
— I know what you want.
— Oh? What’s that?
— (Teasing.) So predictable.
Turn around.
—What?
— Turn around. Go on.
He turns his back.
— What’s going on?
She gets a wrapped present out of one of her bags and puts it down. It resembles the wrapped present from Scene i.
— Okay, you can look.
— What’s that?
— Open it.
— For me?
— Yes. Open it.
He takes it and starts to unwrap it. Sudden thought:
— It’s not?
— Not what?
— Nothing.
— Hmm?
— Nothing.
He finishes unwrapping: it’s a tie.
(With admiration.) Hey!
— Like it?
— That is stylish. Thank you.
He kisses her gently on the lips.
— So is this going to mean more …?
— Sex?
— (Playful.) What? No. Stupid. Money.
— Sure.
— Money.
— Sure. Yes.
— Great.
He moves away from her to examine the tie.
— But it’s more it’s the …
— Of course.
— … more it’s the … accolade. Because turns out I am the youngest –
— Wow.
— Yes I’m the youngest – ever – Deputy Head of Commercial Planning.
He looks up from the tie. They both smile at each other.
— I am so incredibly happy.
— Thank you.
XI SELF-ASSEMBLY
Katrina is using an electric screwdriver to finish assembling a small self-assembly table.
Simon is reading through some documents, from time to time glancing at her.
— What is that for?
— I said – to put the lamp on.
— Great.
She completes the table, and stands it on its legs.
Nice.
Pause.
Is something wrong, Katrina? Has something happened?
— Such as?
— Well … maybe that man-friend of yours turned up at the school and you finally decided to butcher him.
She puts the lamp on the table and adjusts its position. Then:
— You think I’ve got blood on my hands?
— Show me.
She holds up her hands – like ‘surrender’.
— You were probably wearing gloves. I’d’ve loved seeing him drop to his knees. Fucked over by the goddess of destruction.
— Destruction? I’ve just built us a table, Simon.
She plugs in the lamp and switches it on.
XII VISITOR (2)
Simon is wearing the tie from Scene x.
— I’m a bit drunk.
— Me too.
She looks at her watch.
Okay. Ten thirty. Now you have to tell me what my dad said.
— Oh no I do not.
— Oh yes you do.
— But she’s not going to come.
— That wasn’t the deal. The deal was: I asked. You’ve still got that tie on. I thought I said take it off.
He fiddles with the tie, but leaves it on.
There’s food down it.
— Yes but how do I know you asked?
— I just did. I told you I did. If I told you I did, I did.
— And what did she say again?
— She said yes she would love to, and what should she bring? So I said bring some of those pills you gave to my husband.
— Maybe she didn’t understand.
— Oh she understood. She got it just like that. I could see her assessing me. Then she smiled and reached out for my mouth.
— You didn’t say she reached out for your mouth.
— Well she did – she slipped in her finger and hooked it right over my teeth.
Pause.
— Why ’re you smiling like that?
— Because you don’t love me. Because you have never loved me. I’ve given you my whole body and all of my attention for months and months and months – and it’s still not enough for you. I’ve given you my hopefulness and all of my wit and charm, my tolerance and a large part of my pitiful income – and it’s still not enough. I’ve listened to you tell me how meaningless your life is – regardless of how much that insults me personally – and I’ve heard you out for hours on end about the struggle for desk-space within your department. I’ve shut up while you’ve insulted a man I very much loved – and to please you, I’ve forced myself to leave no space for him in my heart. And all of that time – while I was giving you everything – you’ve been chipping and chipping away at my soul until I have finally said yes to something so humiliating and so banal that I feel – yes I do, Simon – you don’t have to look so hurt – feel like swallowing acid.
Pause.
— I see. No wonder you’re smiling.
Pause.
So you want me to take off my tie.
— No what I want is to spit in your face.
— Well you won’t manage that from there.
— Then come closer. Come on. Closer.
He crawls towards her on all fours. She spits in his face.
— Bitch.
— Pig.
The doorbell rings.
Katrina gets up with sudden efficiency and excitement.
Oh my God! Wipe your face. Get up off the floor, idiot. I’ll let her in. You pour her a drink.
XIII DECLARATION (2)
Katrina is bending over a cardboard box making faint friendly nonsense sounds. She is wearing the dress from Scene ix.
— Doo doo doo doo doo – boo boo boo – coo coo – doo doo doo – (Etc.)
Simon appears and watches her.
— What’s that?
—
It’s my dress. D’you like it?
Katrina resumes nonsense sounds.
— I meant what’s that in the basket?
— What does it look like?
— A baby? Where did you get a baby from?
Katrina resumes nonsense sounds.
I said where did you get a baby from?
— Where d’you think I got a baby from?
Katrina resumes nonsense sounds.
— I thought we didn’t want children.
— Oh? (Smiles.) No – I think we decided we did.
Katrina resumes nonsense sounds.
— Is it a boy or a girl?
— Does it matter?
— Wouldn’t you prefer a girl?
— Why would I prefer a girl?
Wouldn’t I just be endlessly dreading the day some man came and took her away from me – married her – and forced her to play house? How could I bear visiting her up a flight of stone stairs nobody ever washed – where all the lights in the hallway, Simon, were smashed – or – if on – dim? How would I cope with holding her baby for just a few minutes – then having to leave before her husband came back, so she’d not have to see how much I despised him?
Katrina resumes nonsense sounds. Long long pause.
— Yes – but what if she turned out – Katrina – against all the odds – to be happy? What if she secretly liked to play house? What if the … broken bicycle on the stairs – or even the burst black sack – made her smile? And this man – what if this man of hers – the husband – with his shit job and all the other shit infecting his mind – what if he still truly loved her? Yes loved her and loved her – and loved her and loved her and loved her. What if he loved her at the end as much as he had loved her at the beginning? What if he had dropped once into her eyes – and was still falling?
DEFINITELY THE BAHAMAS
Definitely the Bahamas was first performed in a production for BBC Radio 3 broadcast in April 1987. The cast was as follows:
Milly Rosemary Leach
Frank Norman Bird
Marijke Holly de Jong
Directed by John Tydeman
The play was subsequently staged at the Orange Tree Theatre, Richmond, opening on 25 September 1987. The cast was as follows:
Milly Heather Canning
Frank John Moffat
Marijke Amanda Royle
A Friend Rob Edwards
Directed by Alec McCowen
The play was revived in a double bill with Play House at the Orange Tree Theatre, Richmond, on 14 March 2012. The cast was as follows:
Milly Kate Fahy
Frank Ian Gelder
Marijke Lily James
A Technician Obi Abili
Director Martin Crimp
Designer Sam Dowson
Lighting Designer John Harris
Assistant Director Karima Setohy
Assistant Designer Katy Mills
Characters
Milly
late fifties
Frank
early sixties
Marijke
late teens
Marijke is Dutch, but speaks English with a scarcely perceptible accent. Dutch words, however, including her own name, she pronounces with characteristic Dutch intonation.
Frank and Milly both pronounce her name ‘Marika’, with the same rhythm and short ‘i’ as ‘juniper’.
Passages enclosed between half-brackets thus indicate where Milly and Frank address lines exclusively to each other and to nobody else.
Phrases such as ‘Don’t you Frank’, ‘Isn’t it Frank’, are included in these brackets only when a response is clearly expected.
Long silence.
Milly It’s so quiet here. It was the first thing we noticed, wasn’t it Frank.
Frank What’s that?
Milly The quiet. I say it’s the first thing we noticed. Because we were going out of our minds in the other place. I said to Frank, didn’t I Frank, I said we’re going out of our minds here.
Frank Mill couldn’t stand the aeroplanes.
Milly Nor could you. Nor could Frank. Oh he says he didn’t notice but of course he did. Because I said to him it can’t be good for your nerves, didn’t I Frank, and then we saw a programme and they said it’s a psychological fact that that kind of noise is bad for your nerves. Didn’t they Frank.
Frank Of course that was with rats.
Milly Well yes, I know it was with rats Frank, but still it’s a psychological fact, that’s my point. (Pause.) But when we arrived here the first thing we did was go into the garden, didn’t we Frank, because it was summer and the flowers were glorious then. And Frank took my arm, which is unusual for him, and he said to me listen, didn’t you Frank, listen. And I said what do you mean Frank, listen. And he said, nothing, just listen.
Long silence.
Milly Irene* and Michael liked it straight away, didn’t they.
Frank Mike was very impressed.
Milly And they’re very critical, aren’t they Frank. They have very high standards. Because of course Michael’s done so terribly well for himself. They’ve got an enormous place, haven’t they Frank.
Frank Several acres.
Milly And Irene’s done some wonderful things to the house. She’s very daring, isn’t she Frank, when it comes to colours. Not that I could live with some of her ideas. I’ve said to her, it’s very imaginative Irene, but I couldn’t live with it.
Pause.
Getting in’s such a performance, isn’t it Frank. Because before they’ll open the gates to the drive you have to talk through a loudspeaker, and I hate talking into those things, don’t I Frank.
Frank A microphone, she means.
Milly A what?
Frank You have to ring the bell and speak through a microphone.
Milly That’s not what Irene calls it.
Frank Well that’s what it is.
Milly Well that’s not what she calls it. (Slight pause.) They got it after the break-in. That and the alarm. It means Irene feels a lot safer when she’s on her own. She’s always called it the loudspeaker. Surely she should know. The break-in was a terrible blow.
Frank They were certainly thorough.
Milly It shook them. It really did. It shook Irene.
Frank And the thing was they were away in the Bahamas at the time.
Milly The Canaries he means.
Frank I thought it was the Bahamas.
Milly Well yes they were going to go to the Bahamas, but then if you remember at the last moment something cropped up and they went to the Canaries instead. But as I say it really shook them.
Frank It was definitely the Bahamas.
Milly And the tragedy was they weren’t fully insured, not when it came to the small print. I thought that was very unlike Michael, not to have looked at the small print.
Slight pause.
Frank It was definitely the Bahamas, Mill. And I’ll tell you why: we had a phone call from Miami.
Milly I don’t remember any phone call from Miami.
Frank It was to tell us they’d arrived.
Milly Why would they bother to tell us they’ve arrived in Miami, when they’re going to the Bahamas?
Frank Because they were stopping off to see their friends.
Milly Well if by that you mean Poppy and Max, then they wouldn’t’ve been stopping off in Miami because it’s years since Poppy and Max lived in Miami. If you remember Frank, they’d moved to Tenerife. They’d already bought their villa in Tenerife.
Pause.
Frank It was mainly their appliances. They were very thorough as I say.
Milly And the shock of course.
Frank Because naturally they had all the time in the world.
Milly And then what with Irene losing her baby after.
Frank They’d even been for a spin in the BMW. Mike was very upset about that.
Milly Losing her baby and only back home three days.
Frank He says it still makes his blood bo
il to think of them joyriding in his BMW.
Pause.
I don’t know why you’re looking at me like that because of course it was tragic but I’ve said to Mill we can’t be certain the break-in was the cause. (Slight pause.) My own theory is the plane.
Milly Of course I went straight down to be with her. Michael had to go off with the firm.
Frank Something to do with the pressure.
Milly It broke his heart naturally, but his position was at stake, wasn’t it Frank.
Frank Something to do with the pressurisation of the cabin, that’s my theory.
Milly Because when you’re in that sort of business there are always people only too willing to step into your shoes at a moment’s notice. Irene says the pressure can be quite frightening, doesn’t she Frank.
Frank Because I’ve been into it in some detail, and although the cabin is pressurised as of course it would have to be at that altitude, the fact of the matter is there’s a significant differential between the atmospheric pressure at sea level and the pressure in a jumbo say flying at forty thousand feet.
Milly Frank’s been into it all. In the library.
