by Martin Crimp
I mean you’ve probably never seen the skin here, have you – Madeleine’s skin – here – between her armpit and her breast – you’ve never seen it like I have, not felt with your own fingertips have you Tom the horrid rash she gets here when she considers your marriage. You’ve probably never run your hand like I have along the inside of her thigh have you Tom where hard lumps erupt between her legs when she considers your marriage.
It disgusts her, Tom. I’m sorry. I can’t not say it. She insists I say it. It’s the love. It’s the long long terrifying years of love. I am instructed to tell you that those long years of love have burnt up – yes, this is right – have burnt up all the oxygen and what’s left is a vacuum. They don’t even hear my voice – she says – because there’s no air left for it to travel through. House – job – school – kids – family – they don’t even hear my voice – and their ready-made opinions switch on like the security lights protecting their property and illuminate the same blank space … (He loses the thread.) The same blank space … blank space … the same / blank space …
Dad You should calm down, Bobby boy. Have a drink – come on – it’s Christmas / – relax.
Uncle Bob … illuminate the same blank space and yes – that’s right – if you will let me finish – wants to take your head, Sandra, between her two hands and bang it against a wall – horrid, horrid – yes bang my own sister’s head – fact – repeatedly against a wall until what she calls your your your your teeth – yes – break in your mouth. Now – as for the two girls – hmm – as for the two girls … (He loses the thread.)
Debbie Uncle Bob?
Uncle Bob As for the two girls …
Hazel (to Debbie) This is all your / fault.
Uncle Bob As for the two girls …
Debbie (to Hazel) How is it mine / bitch?
Uncle Bob As for the two girls …
Debbie Uncle Bob – tell her it’s not / my fault.
Uncle Bob As for the two – what?
Debbie Tell her this isn’t / my fault.
Hazel Oh no nothing’s ever your fault – little Miss ‘I’m so pregnant / buy me a car’.
Uncle Bob As for the two girls … hmm …
Debbie I need to drive – tell her, Uncle Bob.
Uncle Bob What?
Debbie Tell her I need a car.
Uncle Bob What?
Debbie Tell Hazel I need to drive.
Granny Mums these days do need to drive a car, Robert – / Debbie’s right.
Uncle Bob (inward) … but it’s deeper than that, it’s deeper than that, the whole thing / goes much deeper than that …
Grandad Not all of them failed, Peg – why did he say the space-rocket / thing failed?
Uncle Bob (still more soft and intense) Why were you ever born, Deborah?
Hazel Ha! – good question.
Uncle Bob She says: why were those two girls of theirs ever even born? – Horrid. – Wasn’t there a test? she says. Why couldn’t your sister screen them out? – Isn’t that just the most horrible thing to say? – And when Madeleine thinks of your dividing and dividing cells glued to my sister’s uterus, each with the same protein at its heart and now that same code of protein repeated and repeated inside young Debbie’s mucus-plugged womb, she shakes me awake. Yes she shakes your poor Uncle Bob awake, girls, and bites right into me – can you imagine? And when I say bites I mean bites hard – draws blood. Then she passes her hand like this, girls, over my face – in the dark in bed, girls – like this – over your poor poor uncle’s eyes and lips. And what she whispers is: that family – why were those girls of theirs ever even born? What’re they supposed to find here on this earth? Trees? A cool stream? Do they really expect pear blossom to appear in spring? And now in wintertime – she says – when they have torn the wax strips from their legs in front of the crackling log fire – are they still expecting to hear the cheerful robin?
A long silence while he and the girls stare at each other. Finally:
Hazel Where does she bite you, Uncle Bob?
Mum Will somebody help me please with Grandad.
Uncle Bob (reaching into pocket) Ah – sorry – sorry – excuse me …
Two scenes develop at the same time: in the background, the family quietly and tenderly deal with Grandad, who has swallowed something the wrong way and started to cough. In the foreground, Uncle Bob answers his mobile phone while Hazel watches him.
Uncle Bob Yes hello?
Everything okay?
In the house – I’m still in the house.
I’m telling them now. It takes time, sweetheart.
I said it takes time – I’m not a machine.
I’m just saying I’m a human being not a machine: I can’t can’t – can’t – whatever – I can’t just –
I know when the plane leaves. I am fully aware of when the plane leaves, sweetheart – but we budgeted for that – don’t you worry – the whole thing here is is is it’s under control.
I’m sorry?
Why’s that?
The bathroom? No. Listen to me: you can’t –
You cannot come in here and use the bathroom, Madeleine. No.
(Shit. Fuck.)
Nothing – nothing – okay – whatever.
Love you too.
Mum That’s it, Terry – just keep on coughing.
Dad What do we do, Mum – pat him on the back?
Granny You can try. Not too hard, though.
Dad Come on, Dad. Spit it out.
Granny Not too hard, Tom.
Mum Let’s get him to stand up. Yes she’s right: you’re going to hurt him. Don’t.
Debbie Come on, Grandad. We need you to stand up.
Granny If he’s choking, he’s choking – it won’t make a difference standing him up.
Debbie (getting him up) That’s it, Grandad. Cough it out. Are you better now? Maybe you want the bathroom?
Dad Would you like to use the bathroom, Dad? D’you want someone to wash your face?
Grandad starts to walk towards Uncle Bob.
Debbie You’re going the wrong way, Grandad.
Uncle Bob ends call to find Grandad coming towards him. During the following, the light fades.
Uncle Bob Alright there, Terry?
Grandad I like hearing a man speak – but that’s quite some mouth you’ve got.
Uncle Bob Oh?
Grandad Yes quite some mouth. (With increasing authority and vehemence.) I didn’t spend the best years of my life in prison just so you can come here now today with that mouth of yours and poison me – and poison this family.
Proteins? I have them in my urine – so what? I choke on a piece of meat – sure – does that make me stupid? I exported to China. I exported to Vietnam. Steel. Rice. I felled whole forests and I dined with ambassadors. I dealt in antiquities. I mined for cobalt. I wore hand-made leather-soled boots and I paid for the laces in hard cash.
Flood-damaged carpet? Go to hell, Bobby boy. You don’t smell so squeaky clean yourself.
A noise. Everyone except Grandad turns to look. Madeleine has entered and tripped over something on the floor. She looks like an ordinary and unassuming woman and carries a big soft bag.
Madeleine Bit dark in here.
Lost a shoe. (She pulls her shoe back on.)
Okay if I use the bathroom?
Mum Of course, Madeleine. You know where it is.
Madeleine Thanks.
Mum Lovely to see you.
Madeleine goes off with the bag. Pause.
(Faint laugh.) When did it get so dark?
What time is it, Tommy?
Dad I’m sorry, my love?
Mum The time: what time is it?
Dad The time?
Granny He’s not switched on. Are you switched on, Tom?
Debbie Daddy?
Dad What?
Debbie What time is it?
Dad He’s dropped his pills.
Granny Five past six, Sandra.
Dad You’ve dr
opped your pills, Dad. Help him please, Debbie.
Debbie Which ones are which?
Dad I’ve no idea. Just help him, would you.
Debbie kneels on the floor and starts collecting Grandad’s pills.
Mum D’you think we should put the lights on? Someone’s going to hurt themselves.
Dad We’ve got the tree.
Mum The tree’s not very bright, Tom. I think we should get the bulbs out. Please? Can we?
Dad Okay.
Mum and Dad open a cardboard box with light bulbs packed in newspaper. They put them in various light fittings and switch them on.
Mum (laughs) Don’t be so rude, Peggy.
Dad (to Deb) Careful with those: they’re for his memory.
Mum What time’s your flight, Robert?
Granny Has Madeleine put on weight?
Bob Don’t think so, Peg. Why?
Granny She looks bulkier than I remember her.
Hazel Bulkier?
Granny Quite fat, yes.
Bob Madeleine’s lost weight, as a matter of fact.
Hazel Do I look bulky, Uncle Bob?
Bob Mmm?
Hazel Have I got bulky thighs?
Bob I couldn’t possibly comment, sweetheart.
Hazel (to Debbie) What am I doing?
Granny You know quite well what you’re doing.
Bob (to Mum) Sorry?
Debbie goes on collecting Grandad’s pills.
Debbie What’re the pink ones for?
Grandad Can’t remember. Sorry.
Debbie Can you stop her doing that, Mum.
Debbie (to Hazel) Flirting. It’s horrible.
Mum I thought you were on your way to the airport.
(To Deb.) I cannot control your sister.
Hazel (to Debbie) You can talk.
Bob Yes we are – we’re on our way to the airport right now.
Debbie Tell her to stop, Mum.
General pause as Mum and Dad light more lamps.
Dad Dad – just shut up now.
Grandad (genial) What if it’s stillborn, Debs?
Debbie Please don’t say that, Grandad.
Grandad Keep your hair on. It’s a legitimate question.
General pause as Mum and Dad light more lamps.
Mum Does Madeleine not have a family?
I said: does Madeleine not have –
– exactly.
Bob What’s that?
Hazel She asked if Madeleine’s got a family.
Debbie That’s all of them, Grandad.
Dad (to Mum) Pass me another forty [watt bulb] would you.
Bob All of what?
Granny (smiles) Looking quite bright now.
(To Bob.) His pills.
General pause as Mum and Dad complete final lamps.
Mum You still haven’t answered my question.
Fine. Just ignore me then.
Hazel Uncle Bob?
Bob What?
Hazel Mum asked you a question.
Grandad We had pears, didn’t we Peg – and we had robins – we had a number of robins – we gave them all names and kept them in a shoebox.
Debbie Why did you keep / robins in a shoebox, Grandad?
Talking uninterruptedly from the moment she appears – and totally transformed – Madeleine comes back in. She has changed into a beautiful haute couture dress and radiates charm, charisma, conviction, power.
Madeleine I do do do simply do not believe it! All these lights just for me? How wonderful! What wonderful lights! Tom! Thank you! Thank you! Oh – oh – oh – but the looks on your faces! Whatever has Robbie been telling you?! What’ve you said to them, Robbie? I hope you haven’t been being indiscreet? Because this brother of yours, Sandra – and listen thank you so much for letting me use your bathroom – can be horribly indiscreet. He cannot keep a single confidence to himself. Plus sexually too – well can you, Robbie?
Uncle Bob Where’s the bag, sweetheart?
Madeleine Where’s the bag? Where’s the bag? I’m talking about your indiscretion, (Takes his hand.) I’m not talking about luggage – yes sexually he’s all over the place, he’s simply not continent – not that I care – it’s his nature – I expect it – I encourage it – he needs the release – just you try stopping him! – isn’t that right, girls? (Approaching Hazel.) I’ll bet he’s had this one already – did it hurt? – did he leave marks? – only takes him a couple of minutes – the bathroom? – or was it that sweet little bed with the heart-shaped pillow? – yes – yes – I can see it in her eyes – was it her first time, Robbie? – or can’t you remember? – he never remembers, sweetheart – nothing to do with you – (Approaching Debbie.) And oh – oh – oh – oh – this must be the one who got pregnant – that’s so sad – that is so pitiful and sad – but oh my God I suddenly realised where am I going to change?!
Not in an airport toilet.
No way in some shit-filled motorway service-station.
Into a sheath like this? How?
What d’you think, girls? Good fit?
I can’t tell you how warm and flexible it is – feels like I’m zipped into my own vagina. Pure silk. You can touch it if you like.
Mum Keep away from my children, Madeleine.
Madeleine Oh?
Mum Yes. Keep away. Keep away from my family.
Madeleine Keep away from your children? Why?
Mum Talk to her, Tom. Say / something.
Madeleine I thought I was a friend. I thought I was a friend of your children, a friend of your family. But okay okay okay –
(With new focus.) Listen, Sandra, I realise I don’t go deep. Neither of us goes deep like all of you. Do we, Robbie?
Uncle Bob I try. I have in fact been trying / here today.
Madeleine Robbie tries – but I don’t even attempt it. Go deep? Why? No. And I will repeat that. No. Because this new life of ours – what will it be? Come on, Robbie – I said what will our new life be?
Uncle Bob mumbles.
What?
Uncle Bob mumbles.
What? SAY IT!
Uncle Bob Like a pane of glass.
Madeleine Thin – Tom – Sandra – girls – Terry – Peg – as a pane of glass. But of course he’s told you all that. Haven’t you.
Uncle Bob Yes, I’ve told them all that. Please – let’s fetch the / bag now.
Madeleine Hard. Clear. Sharp. Clean.
And if any one of you so much as touches it, you’ll be cut right through – right through to the bone.
They can keep the bag. Kiss, Robbie. (Slight pause.) I said kiss.
Uncle Bob cautiously kisses her lips. Finding she accepts this, he attempts to make the kiss deeper and more sexual. Madeleine lets this progress, then tactfully pushes him back, and looks at the others in triumph.
And music!
She sings:
I don’t need a woman to unzip my zip
or a man with a white arse cracking the whip
or some kind of what? fixed human relationship?
Some people you lose
Some people you keep:
yes I’m a family friend
but I don’t go deep
(no I never go deep)
I sit out in my car and I want to scream –
my skin erupts – I’m rubbing in cream –
oh why can’t the world be hard, sharp and clean?
Yes I’m often in pain
there are days I weep
like a nymph by a stream –
but it doesn’t go deep
(no it never goes deep)
As a family friend it’s my duty to say
I’m leaving you now – yes – I’m going away –
but if I was tempted to come back some day –
went into the room
where your kids were asleep
and pushed pins in their eyes –
then I wouldn’t go deep
(really – trust me – I never go deep)
But listen: I’m
not some kind of inhuman thing –
you’re not to imagine I don’t want to sing
when pear-blossom garlands the pear-tree in spring
that I’ve got no soul
that my heart can’t leap
when the bud unfolds –
just it doesn’t go deep
(no it never goes deep)
I’ve booked my ticket: I’m flying first class
to a cool place thin as a pane of glass
where I just have to swipe a security pass
to swim in the milk of thick white stars.
It’s a new kind of world
and it doesn’t come cheap
and you’ll only survive
if you don’t go deep
(so I never
no I never
no I never go deep)
* There is no crackling log fire.
THE FIVE ESSENTIAL FREEDOMS OF THE INDIVIDUAL
1 THE FREEDOM TO WRITE THE SCRIPT OF MY OWN LIFE
2 THE FREEDOM TO SEPARATE MY LEGS (IT’S NOTHING POLITICAL)
3 THE FREEDOM TO EXPERIENCE HORRID TRAUMA
4 THE FREEDOM TO PUT IT ALL BEHIND ME AND MOVE ON
5 THE FREEDOM TO LOOK GOOD & LIVE FOR EVER
1
THE FREEDOM TO WRITE THE SCRIPT OF MY OWN LIFE
— I write the script of my own life. I make myself what I am. This is my unique face – and this is my unique voice. Nobody – listen – speaks the way I do now. Nobody looks like me and nobody – I said listen – nobody can imitate this way of speaking.
— I am the one.
— I am the one.
— I am the one – yes – writing the script.
— I am the one – yes – writing the script of my own life now.
Pause.
I said I am the one writing the script. Nobody looks like me. Nobody speaks the way I do now. Nobody can imitate this way of speaking.
— No way.
— No way can anyone speak like I do. I make myself what I am: I’m free – okay? – to invent myself as I go along.
