by Martin Crimp
— Because now –
— Yes but now –
— Yes now –
— Because what I am saying is that now when I go into the fish shop there’s fish – there is fish – mullet and the red snapper – fresh crab.
— There is – yes – mullet in the fish shop and ripe plums at the fruiterer’s plus if I want those ropesoled boating loafers in the shoe shop then I’ll buy them. I will buy the loafers. I will boat in them.
— I will boat – fact – in the rope-soled loafers – bob on the ocean – dive from the varnished deck.
— I jump from the deck – fact. Dive – swim – smash up spray.
— I smash up spray.
— I like to smash up spray a lot! Look how I bob – look how I float in the hot white light.
— I float in the hot white sunlight near the boat a lot! Then climb a rope. Then sip on a cold drink, bite on a hot snack.
— I climb on my hot friend on the boat. I bite on my friend’s lip. I’m snacking on fresh fish.
— I’m snacking on fish. I’m fucking my good friend.
— I’m biting. I’m biting my friend’s mouth now. I sip on my friend’s blood. I’m wetting my lips with blood plus snacking on fresh crab.
— I’m snacking on fresh crab a lot! I’m biting a lot! I’m biting down hard. I’m snacking on blood a lot! Look at my wet lips. Look at my stiff cock.
— I said my wet lips. I said my stiff cock.
— I said bright eyes, smooth skin. I said my slippery vagina.
— I said thick hair.
— I said flat belly and good fuck.
— I said my bike.
— I said I will live for ever – look at me.
— Yes.
— Look at me.
— Yes.
— I said I will live for ever – look at me.
Pause.
You’re looking?
— Yes.
— Because my personal wealth and own privately acquired horizons are growing day by day – and day by day I am becoming more and more reasonable and more – yes you heard what I said – more so totally understanding of my own enormous capabilities that I can feel – yes can feel the time coming when thanks to the indefinite extension of my life I will be in a position to realise the potential not just of my boat, not just of my bike and arse and smiling eyes – not just of my sharp teeth – but of the whole expanding spinning constellation of my intelligence – don’t you see? I said to you: don’t you see?
Pause.
I check my vegetable. I’m checking my blood for lumps. I’m looking good.
*
My body’s toned and you’ve probably seen
me running right past on my running machine
and my brain is alert and my bloodstream’s clean –
You won’t see me die –
it’s not that kind of show –
I cling on to life
and I don’t let go
(no I never let go)
I’ll always look good and I’ll always have fun
plus I’ll always have sex and repeatedly come
and I’ll look in the mirror and always be young –
With my sharp white teeth
in a long clean row
I bite into life
and I don’t let go
(no I never let go)
I’m checking my chocolate – yes my chocolate’s still there
plus I’ve got this new way now of doing my hair
so it kind’ve sticks up – look, like this – in the air –
which is kind’ve unique –
yes I think you should know
I’ve a right to life
and I’m not letting go
(no I never let go)
Yes I’m looking good – there’s my hair – there’s my eyes –
there’s my firm round calves and scissoring thighs –
my expanding brain – it’s incredible (just take a look at it) size –
plus a mouth full of crab –
but even so
I bite down hard
and I don’t let go
(no I never let go)
Yes I’ll always look good and I’ll always be fun
and use my machine to run run run –
I’ll have strong frequent sex and I’ll violently come
till my blood streams hot and my mind turns numb –
Yes I’ll set my teeth
in a long clean row
bite down hard
and never let go
(no I’ll never
no I’ll never
no I’ll never let go)
IN THE REPUBLIC OF HAPPINESS
Tu non se’ in terra, sì come tu credi
Paradiso, I, 91
An enormous room. Daylight. Large windows suggest a green landscape – but the landscape is indistinct.
The room is completely empty – except, perhaps, for what looks like an abandoned office-type desk.
Uncle Bob is alone. He listens.
Uncle Bob Maddy?
Maddy?
Madeleine?
He listens.
Maddy?
Madeleine enters in the haute couture dress. She smiles.
Madeleine What?
Uncle Bob Where were you?
Madeleine I was having a sandwich.
Uncle Bob Was it nice?
Madeleine Yes. It was chicken. I enjoyed it.
Uncle Bob Where did you find it?
Madeleine Find it? I made it. I made it with chicken.
Uncle Bob Oh?
Madeleine Yes.
Uncle Bob Where did you find the chicken?
Madeleine Where did I find the chicken? Well it was in the sandwich. It was delicious. I enjoyed it. Would you like one?
Uncle Bob Would I …?
Madeleine Yes – like a sandwich.
Uncle Bob No.
Madeleine Are you sure?
Uncle Bob No.
Madeleine Not with chicken?
Uncle Bob No. Thank you.
Pause.
Madeleine So?
Uncle Bob So?
Madeleine Are you ready?
Uncle Bob Am I ready for what?
Madeleine How many times do I have to ask you?
Uncle Bob Have to ask me what?
Madeleine Robbie?
Uncle Bob What? Have to ask me what?
Pause.
Madeleine Is something the matter?
Uncle Bob Is it?
Madeleine No – I’m asking you.
Uncle Bob You’re asking me what?
Madeleine You – you – is something the matter with you?
Uncle Bob (with humour) Like what? No. Bitch. Of course not.
Madeleine (laughing) Bitch?
Uncle Bob Mmm?
Madeleine (laughing) Did you just call me a bitch, Robbie?
Uncle Bob When?
Madeleine In this conversation.
Uncle Bob I can’t remember.
Madeleine But you just said it.
Pause. He stares at her.
What is it you’re staring at? Have I got crumbs?
Uncle Bob Mmm?
Madeleine Have I got crumbs round my mouth? Am I all smeared with chicken? Do I look sweet? I said: do I look sweet, Robbie?
She wipes her mouth with her fingers.
Well? What is it?
Uncle Bob (smiling) I have so much to remember.
Madeleine No you don’t. What d’you mean? Remember what?
Uncle Bob The things you’ve said I’m to say.
Madeleine I haven’t said to say anything.
Uncle Bob No. [Not true.]
Madeleine I haven’t said you’re to say anything: you can say what you like.
Uncle Bob No.
Madeleine Yes you can, Robbie – you know you can – whatever you like. You can call me bitch, you can say I look sweet, you can say just whatever you like. Go on. Say it.
>
What’s wrong?
Uncle Bob (lowers his eyes) Help me.
Madeleine Is that what you’re saying?
Uncle Bob Help me.
Madeleine Is that what you’re actually saying or do you mean help you to say something else?
Uncle Bob What?
Madeleine I said: is ‘help me’ what you’re actually saying or do / you mean –?
Uncle Bob I don’t know. You said I could say anything.
Madeleine Provided it makes sense – it has to make sense, Robbie – don’t you see how important that is? There have to be rules.
Uncle Bob Whose rules?
Madeleine Well my rules, of course – don’t you see how important that is?
Pause. He reflects.
What?
Uncle Bob Don’t leave me, Madeleine.
Madeleine (faint laugh) Leave you? Why would I leave you?
Uncle Bob I know you.
Madeleine Oh?
Uncle Bob Yes I know what you’re like.
Madeleine What am I like, Robbie?
I said what am I like?
Uncle Bob mumbles.
What?
Uncle Bob mumbles.
What did you say? Speak up.
Uncle Bob I said: I cannot remember what you’re like.
Madeleine But I’m here, Robbie. I’m right here in front of you. You can see what I’m like. I’m like this.
Uncle Bob No.
Madeleine Yes I am, Robbie. Look at me. I said don’t turn away like that look at me.
He looks.
Now. Tell me what I’m like – don’t say you can’t remember.
Uncle Bob Ah – ah – how beautiful you are.
Madeleine Beautiful – yes – and? Come on.
Uncle Bob Cruel? Are you cruel?
Madeleine Yes of course I’m cruel – but in what way?
Uncle Bob Mmm?
Madeleine In what way – Robbie – am I cruel? Is it I kill or is it I don’t fuck?
Uncle Bob Mmm?
Madeleine I said is it I kill or is it I don’t fuck?
Uncle Bob I don’t know.
Madeleine Or both? Is it both? Tell me.
Uncle Bob I don’t know. Kill who?
Madeleine Or is it my mind?
Uncle Bob Is it?
Madeleine Tell me about my mind – come on.
Uncle Bob I can’t.
Madeleine Tell me.
Uncle Bob I don’t know. Is it blank?
Madeleine Blank?
Uncle Bob Yes – empty – blank.
Madeleine Is my mind empty? Is that what you think?
Uncle Bob I don’t know what to say to you!
Madeleine Her mind is blank – is that what you tell our citizens?
Uncle Bob What citizens?
Madeleine In your lectures – I’m talking about the lectures you give to our citizens, Robbie – I’m talking about your job – I’m talking about / the song.
Uncle Bob But why won’t you let me sleep?
Madeleine I’m sorry?
Uncle Bob Why won’t you let me sleep? – Why ’re you always shaking me awake?
Madeleine Well I just want to see if you’re happy.
Uncle Bob But you know how happy I am. You don’t need to shake me awake.
Madeleine Oh?
Uncle Bob You don’t need to bite me.
Madeleine I bite you to wake you up. I want you to see the tree. I want you to see the white flowers. And oh – oh – Robbie – the clean spring air! – and each blade of grass like a green razor! I need you to wake up for me and smile.
Uncle Bob Don’t I smile in my sleep?
Madeleine No – never – you thrash – you grind your teeth – you thrash and you reach for between my legs.
Uncle Bob That’s not true.
Madeleine Yes you reach for between my legs like you’re not happy. Because have you forgotten?
Uncle Bob Forgotten what? I don’t know.
Madeleine You see this is what frightens me.
Uncle Bob Forgotten what, Madeleine?
Madeleine I think you’ve forgotten how happy you really are. I think you’re starting to forget how happy this world really makes you – grinding your teeth – grabbing – thrashing. Because what do you want? What have you not got?
Pause. Uncle Bob struggles to think.
Uncle Bob Listen, sweetheart –
Madeleine Oh?
Uncle Bob Yes listen to what I am going to say.
Madeleine Oh?
Uncle Bob Yes.
Madeleine And what are you going to say?
Uncle Bob Yes.
Madeleine I said what are you going to say?
Uncle Bob What?
Madeleine I said to you what are you / going to say?
Uncle Bob I don’t know – I don’t know till I’ve said it – but listen – listen – you you you say to me ‘the tree’ – but I don’t see it – plus you say to me ‘oh the white blossom’ – but where – yes – where is the branch that carries it? And when you say to me – say to me – ‘clean spring air’ why don’t I feel it moving across my face? Why do I only feel your hand? Or your sharp teeth.
What lectures? Where are the citizens? Why aren’t they thronging the staircase? Or using small plastic cups to drink coffee? Why can’t I hear the small plastic cups crackle? Is it I’m going deaf?
You talk about the world but I listen and listen and I still can’t hear it. Where has the world gone? What is it we’ve done? – did we select it and click? – mmm? Have we deleted it by mistake? Because I look out of that window and I don’t know what I’m seeing just like I’m opening my mouth now, sweetheart – look at it – look – opening it now – here – my mouth – now – look at it – and I don’t know what’s coming out – is this what I’m saying or is this what you’ve said I’m to say? How do I know? When will I ever remember? And of course I’m happy but I feel like I’m one of those characters Madeleine crossing a bridge and the bridge is collapsing behind me slat by slat by slat but I’m still running on – why? What’s holding me up?
Madeleine Robbie?
Uncle Bob (inward) But it’s deeper than that, it’s deeper than that, the whole thing goes much / deeper than that.
Madeleine Robbie?
Uncle Bob What?
Madeleine Pay attention.
Uncle Bob Pay attention to what?
Madeleine Please don’t shout. Why is it you always get like this?
Uncle Bob I always get like this.
Madeleine Yes but why do you always get like this? What’re our citizens going to think – mmm? Because you need to command their respect.
Uncle Bob I do command their respect.
Madeleine Because when you’re standing in front of them and those hundreds of faces are lifted towards you and those hundreds and hundreds of gleaming eyes are locked – and they will be, Robbie – locked on to yours, and those – what? – what? – must be billions – must be so many billions of malleable human cells are being moulded, Robbie – yes moulded by me through you inside each skull by the sound of each thrilling syllable of our hundred-per-cent happy song – then you need to command their respect. I said: then you need to command their respect.
Uncle Bob I do command their respect, Madeleine.
Madeleine Then say it.
Uncle Bob I do command their respect.
Madeleine With each thrilling syllable.
Uncle Bob Yes. What?
Madeleine With each thrilling / syllable.
Uncle Bob With each thrilling syllable of our song.
Pause.
Madeleine (smiles) I can take you.
Uncle Bob Where?
Madeleine I can take you to see the tree.
Uncle Bob Yes?
Madeleine What would you like me to show you? the tree? or what? something else? shall I show you the stream? or what? the stars? or what?
Uncle Bob I do command their respect.
M
adeleine Yes but I’m talking about something else now – about taking a trip.
Uncle Bob Yes.
Madeleine Am I not?
Uncle Bob Yes – to the stream.
Madeleine To the stream – to the tree – we could drive.
Uncle Bob We could go in a boat.
Madeleine We could drive – we could go in a nice boat.
Uncle Bob Could we fly?
Madeleine We can do whatever we like.
Uncle Bob We could go in a boat.
Madeleine If you like.
Uncle Bob We could go in a boat.
Madeleine Yes – if you like.
Uncle Bob We could go in a nice boat.
Madeleine Yes of course we could go in a nice boat but we’d need to smarten you up a bit first, wouldn’t we. (Smiles.) Look at you.
Uncle Bob Oh?
Madeleine Yes: look at you.
She goes over to him and affectionately adjusts his clothes. It’s the first time they’ve been physically close.
Why d’you always dress like this?
Uncle Bob I always dress like this.
Madeleine Yes but why?
And your eyes.
Uncle Bob And my eyes what?
Madeleine In the night.
When you shut them.
When you breathe.
When you thrash.
When you grab like that with your hand.
When I bite.
When I’m touching your face.
Don’t you like me touching your face?
Kiss, Robbie.
Uncle Bob What?
Madeleine I said kiss.
Very cautiously, he kisses her lips.
She smiles and is about to turn away when he grips her and kisses her much harder. She struggles to get free – a long and intense silent struggle – until he finally gets pushed away.
No, Robbie – stop – what is wrong with you?
Pause. They recover their breath.
Uncle Bob Don’t leave me, Madeleine.
Madeleine Why would I leave you?
Uncle Bob I know you. I know what you’re like.
Madeleine Then you know I won’t leave you.
Pause. She walks out.
Uncle Bob Maddy?
